Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Another African needs my bank account

"princessfatimah kinghumah"


Good day and Compliments to you in the name of our creator Almighty Allah, I am princess FATIMAH D.HUMAH, writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of Allah for you to help me and my family, almighty Allah will bless and reward you aboundantly and you would never regret this.

My family and I are true Muslim and worship Allah truthfully.I got your contact during my search for this assistance. I am a female student from University of Burkina Faso, Ouaga. I am 25 yrs old. I'd like any person who can be carring, loving and home oriented. I will love to have a long-term relationship with you and to know more about you.

I would like to build up a solid foundation with you in time coming if you can be able to help me in this transaction. Well,my father died earlier
two months ago and left I and my junior brother behind. He was a king, which our town citizens titled him over sixteen years before his death. I was a
princess to him and I am the only person who can take care of his wealth now because my junior brother is still young and my mother is not
literateenough to know all my father's wealth.

He left the sum of USD 5.5M (Five Million, Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars)in the bank for security reason.This money was annually paid into my late fathers account from SAHEL BURKINA FASO is a Minining Comany operating in our locality for the compensation of youth and community development in our jurisdiction.

I don't know how and what I will do to invest this money somewhere in abroad, so that my father's kindred will not take over what belongs to my father and our family, which they were planning to do without my consent because I am a female as stated by our culture in the town.

Now,I urgently need your humble assistance to move this money from the security company to your bank account, That is why I felt happy when I saw
your contact because I strongly believe that by the grace of Allah, you will help me invest this money wisely. I am ready to pay 30% of the total
amount to you if you help us in this transaction and another 10% interest of Annual After Income to you, for handling this transaction for us,which
you will strongly have absolute control over it.

If you can handle this project sincerely and also willing to assist me in lifting this fund, kindly reach me.Please, note that this transaction
is 100% risk free and I hope to commence the transaction as quick as possible,I will send you my picture as soon as I hear from you for recognition.

Yours sincerely,

Okay, I'll have to admit, I've never been as tempted to respond to a hoax since some fuckers rang my house one day pretending to be Satanists and wondering if my local church would mind hosting a satanic mass- 20 minutes later he hung up believing I was a minister of the Eucharist and secretly a member of the Order of the Demonic Horde.

But getting back to Princess Fatimah: As responding in any way shape or form would be as useless as a handle on a snowball, I've decided instead to post my "reply" here for all to see...

Dear Princess Fatimah,

I am in receipt of your E-mail dated Tue, Oct 18th 2005. You have presented an eloquent, convincing and compelling case for my aid. Before I can set things in motion however, there are a few points in your E-mail that I feel I must address before we begin our "long term relationship".

1) Where in the name of "Almighty Allah" did you get my "contact"? You did a search for assistance!? What kind of assistance? What did you enter into the search engine? "I need a hero"? That would have brought you to Bonnie Tyler lyrics. It came to my Personal private E-mail account, known only to me, my friends and organisations which whom I conduct private business with. I'm very careful to tick the box that does not allow the company to send my E-mail address to every clusterfuck wanting to sell me \/1@Gr/\ or improve my sex-life by adding girth to what is already alluded to as being a most impressive "weapon" by envious male readers of my Blog. So please enlighten me.

2) Do I sound caring, loving or home-oriented to you? Did wherever you got my E-mail address make me sound that way? Tell me so that I can sue for defamation. I find it unlikely that someone would have described ME like that, and I certainly would write up myself to sound like such a pussy. For the most authentic profile of me: EYES RIGHT BITCH!

3) You want a long term relationship with me and to know more about me? in that order?... did you read the profile?

4) Okay this bit, I love: your father's estate is $5.5M? How did he die again? Oh you didn't say did you? Right, anyway, now this money was annually paid into his account from SAHEL BURKINA FASO a mining company which is operating in your locality in return for contributions to youth and community development in your area? So why were they paying your father as well? Was the money just resting in his account before he delivered it to the youth and the community? No, sorry dear the company was probably paying your father off to keep him quiet while they were using the poor youth and community as slave labour in the mines. Now they they've dried up your father had to have an accident when he was enraged that his source of income had dried up too- how's that for a theory? It may also be of intrest for you to know that I have here a list of all 31 legitimate gold-mining companies in your country and guess what? There is no SAHEL BURKINA FASO mining company in operation there at all!!! Isn't that weird?

5) So you want to invest the money abroad, that's great: Removing $5.5m from the coffers of one of the poorest countries in the world where half the population are below the poverty line without some sort of plan is fucking nuts lady.

Also considering that bacterial diarrhoea, hepatitis A, typhoid fever, malaria, schistosomiasis, meningococcal meningitis and of course HIV are in such a high abundance there, I can safely say that I'll never choose of my own free will to be within 10 meters near any of you without a HAZMAT suit, never mind a "long-term relationship".

Here's the most major problem however, you're not that long having become independent from France, you all still speak French, and no one likes the French, so don't expect too much help.

The mighty Allah can't help you now!


Colonel "Whopper" Creedon


Anonymous said...

You should have sent it, really you should - I'm laughing as I picture the look of dumd amazement on some bints face. I hate bloody mails like that, I take delight in banishing them to the Trash where they belong.
Such shite usually tends to originate from Nigeria, more information available here

Major General Creedon said...

Naw, the first rule is NEVER respond. By now the E-mail address would have been shut down anyway. I do like the sound of the "US Secret Service 419 Task Force" established to deal with this problem, and I'm appalled that this scam is actually the 3rd-5th largest industry in Nigeria- Jesus!

Anonymous said...

But remember, according to the PC brigade, its wrong to mention corruption in African nations :)

Anonymous said...

We got plenty of corruption back home to deal with first, saw a great show on Project Columbia last night, fantastic, the US armed forces equiped, trained and fought alongside the Columbian army against various Drug cartels for five years to cut the production of CoCa by 51%!, Then the US forces got in on the Drug Trafficking act!

Anonymous said...

I gotta admire the Colonel's dedication to safe sex, I would never have consider the use of a Hazmat suit in a long term relationship.

Anonymous said...

Maybe he could use the 'long rifle' or the prosthetic in this relationship!

Major General Creedon said...

Ah the wondeful PC brigade. You gotta love 'em. I was teaching some cadets how to strip down an M4 the other day and I described the fore handle as having a male socket and the forward rest as having the female socket. One of the chicks says "Red-Light Sir" which is an indication of sexual harassment! Hellshit! I've seen good men have an Article 32 conviened for less than that.

Anonymous said...

You should have turned and pointed to her saying "Gentlemen, this one's a Code Red for later".
Seeing how I know you approve of Code Reds.

Major General Creedon said...

I categorically deny approving of or authorising any such peer-punishment.

I will add however that having served under Colonel Nathan R. Jessop was one of the finest experiences of my life and so see him railroaded by a snotty nosed Jag was devestating.

Still I hope Jessop's replacement in Gitmo nowadays is delivering the same brand of friendliness to those imprisoned there...

Anonymous said...

Still I hope Jessop's replacement in Gitmo nowadays is delivering the same brand of friendliness to those imprisoned there...

Wait a miunte!, is that an official recognition by the military of the status of the Camp X-ray detainees as prisoners of war with all rights and priviledges due to them under the Geneva Convention?

I will add however that having served under Colonel Nathan R. Jessop was one of the finest experiences of my life

Major General Creedon said...

What? No of course not. The detainees have no such rights as they are illegal combatants, not the recognised military of a foreign nation.

Anonymous said...

Shame the militants don't have the sense to issue all their men with Iraqi army uniforms :-)

And thats also why so many of them poor buggers were machine-gunned at the end of the great escape, as technically they weren't in uniform.

Major General Creedon said...

No, No uniforms. Then they'll have rights, freedoms and privileges and it'll get too expensive and bogged down in paperwork.

Anonymous said...

The good thing is they haven't realised this. As illegal foreign fighters, they can go and rot.