Saturday, December 31, 2005

2005! The Year In Review

Just a recap of 2005 while I'm waiting for the party to start.

2005 was a year that opened in the wake of a Tsunami which devastated Southeast Asia, speaking of disasters; George W. Bush was sworn in for a second term. Tom Cruise jumped a couch to profess love, Anakin became Vader, and Jackson was acquitted. Bird Flu warnings were issued, Bastards bombed the Brits, Discovery launches and thankfully lands as well. Katrina devastated New Orleans, Kate had coke, and an earthquake rocked Kashmir, France explodes (no-one cares) but Hemel exploded too and created much hullabaloo. We remember 241 US Marines lost their lives, as did George Best, Peter Jennings Richard Pryor and Pope John Paul. 2005 forever changed the word as 2IGTV began podcasting and this website came online.

For now, have a Happy New Year and enjoy the party!

Colonel "Whopper" Creedon

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Merry Christmas

Dear readers, Please accept with no obligation, implied or expressed, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the holiday* of your choice on or about the winter solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all, and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped to make Ireland great (not to imply that Ireland is greater than any other country or is the only "Ireland" in the western hemisphere) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. Notice, Disclaimer and Conditions of Greeting: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable, provided there is no alteration to the original greeting, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. There is no promise by the wisher, express or implied, to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

*As used herein, "holiday" is limited to its secular meaning, without regard to its English language derivation from the words "holy day".

Just in case all that went over your head: Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from Col. Ciaran "Whopper" Creedon!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Eminem's music so bad- it's used to torture!

You've seen it in movies: "Ve have ways of making you talk", the shining light, punch in the face, threatening loved ones, head in a toilet and if all else fails- and the movie is in any way a comedy then the person will be threatened with being forced to listen to James Last, Bette Midler or another unpopular artist of the day.

Well it's actually now being adopted by real CIA itself. Allegedly (as with everything in the CIA) Rapper Eminem's songs have been used to torture detainees.

Piss-ant peaceniks "Human Rights Watch" (of a similar vein to those Amnesty Internationl wasters) claims U.S. forces operated a secret prison near Afghanistan last year and says music by Eminem (above) and Dr Dre was used to make detainees suffer. The group, in a report, quotes an Ethiopia-born prisoner who says he was kept in a pitch-black prison and forced to listen to their music for 20 days.

The bastards! I'm almost ashamed to be associated with this horrendously dispicable course of action. I actually approved of what went on in Abu Ghraib in 2003, I agree with the US using and landing unmarked, or falsly marked aircraft in Shannon to transport terrorist 'suspects' to countries who condone torture, I think the Geneva Convention should not apply to the 'animals' associated with Al Qaeda, but this: .. no, this goes to far, even to protect the world I would never subject ANYONE to Eminem.

Next stop: Pluto

NASA today revealed plans to land a space vessel on the planet Pluto. The planet is so far away from Earth not even the Hubble can spot details on its surface. The mission is planning for lift-off no earlier than January 17, 2006 from the Kennedy Space Centre.
Scientists hope to discover details of the planet's surface and atmospheres after launching aboard an Atlas V plane, the spaceship will cross the entire span of the solar system and reach Pluto in 2015. More on this in 10 years time then...

Monday, December 19, 2005

X3 unleashes trailer

I've been so drunk and/or tired for the past few days I missed the fact that Fox has uploaded the announcement teaser trailer for X-Men 3. It's most impressive for a teaser really, all I was expecting was a logo but we get some idea what the film is about instead- fancy that eh? Well in it we see that Jean Grey has returned from the dead (they obviously don't see that as a shock if it's in the teaser) and has become Phoenix, which you'd have to be blind, deaf and stupid not to have figured out at the end of the last installment. I also saw The Beast played by Kelsey "Fraiser" Grammer (above) and Angel in it so it looks like the mutant count is up again, but evidence of Shadowcat, Collossus, Juggernaut, Callisto and Jubilee to name but a few make me think that there may just be a bit too many characters for non-comic book fans to keep track of.
I'm even more worried however, mainly due to the fact that Bryan Singer will not be helming this installment as he's busy with Superman. Instead we have Brett Ratner who made the god-awful Rush Hour films so my hopes ain't too high this time around.

2IGTV Episode 10

Well this is the last episode for this year and I'm sure everyone will be impressed. I am. While I had a cool idea to turn the show into a fun and interesting awards show, Mark shot that down with anti-aircraft fire so I'll present those in the form of a post here later.
In the meantime you can hear some of my best-of-2005 choices for the year. Also in this episode you hear about King Kong, why Mike Bay has room for us at any party he throws, that we could have a Nick Cage free year, the Italian Job sequel and much more.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Hemel Hampstead Explodes!

Because of my “real” Job, I have a somewhat unique perspective on a place that has been in the news this week: Hemel Hampstead. I know exactly where it is; which is more than I can say about places north of a line between Dublin and Kerry here. I’m intimately familiar with names of areas, major roads and even some of the newer housing estates that have been built over the past 5 years. I see it almost every day represented in a monotone 2 dimensional 1:500 scale. It’s easy to forget that each building in each estate on every road in every area of Hemel Hampstead is someone’s home, school or place of work.

Well everyone in that little place in Hertfordshire, understood the meaning of fear on Sunday as part of the Buncefield oil depot exploded. It became one of the hottest (get it?) news items everywhere and was quickly declared the largest peacetime fire in Europe, which is pretty scary. No doubt the poor folk with a HP2 address probably thought that al-Quaida had abandoned plans to destroy London and had turned on them instead.

I was disappointed that there wasn’t more looting after the evacuation though. I would have liked to have seen the good ‘ol Tommies of the British Army or even the Royal Marine’s (fully clothed this time) being deployed to “take care” of looters. Hey and if Blair didn’t want blood on his hands he could have called me. I could think of nothing better to do than to lead a tank column up St Alban’s Road or drop with paratroopers into Hemel Hampstead FC’s grounds under the cover of the black plume of smoke that can be seen 40km away in the centre of London.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Narnia- yay or nay!

To be honest this is something I'm not going to see it due to it's non-violent nature and the fact that it's billed as a kids film, I doubt there'll be anything in it for me.
I'll admit to watching almost every episode of the 80's TV series as a lad and I enjoyed it- then, but I'm not going out to buy the DVD boxset tomorrow- some things must stay buried in the past for fear of destroying their memory.
It seems that the film critics love it! But then again I never listen to people who are paid to have an opinion about entertainment- I listen to peers, people I know, people who give an honest opinion because they're not paid (or brown-enveloped by movie-studios) to tell us what we want to know.

So what are people saying about it? Four out of the five people I know whom have told me they saw it seemed to be most disappointed. Mark wants everyone to avoid it. Pearlgurl has frankly said the film is "the biggest load of bollox ever". I asked a poor soul at work what they thought of it and they started crying. There was one advocate however (there's always one) whom I won't name for fear of retaliation against him- but he seemed impressed with it, after being forced to listen to his account of the film I finally asked him, knowing what I like, was there anything in the film for me? He conceded that there wasn't.

Unlike Star Wars or Harry Potter who's franchises have more adult than children followers, Narnia is firmly grounded into the under 12's age group and I'm sure it'll be as fondly remembered by them in the future as we remember "The Neverending Story" or somesuch.

I wouldn't be a Colonel unless I barked orders so I order you all not to go and see this film! Kong is out this week and I'm sure it'll be forgotten about anyway.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Mission Impossible 3

Mission Impossible was a good film. I was a fan of the 'updated' series in 1988 with Phil Morris and Peter Graves and I felt that it was a faithful representation of the changes in the world since then. M:I-2 was not a faithful representation, but it became one of my favourite movies of all time. I have an M:I-2 cardboard standee from the foyer of the Capitol , one side of which is framed in my office and I even got a gift last Christmas of one of Tom Cruise's spent 9mm cartridges encased in resin from the Biocyte shootout scene.
But enough about Mission Impossible 2, because Mission Impossible 3 is almost upon us. The third installment in the Tom Cruise action film series takes the franchise in a new direction... this time it's personal. The trailer hints at a story that's clearly centered more around the character of Ethan Hunt than the previous movies.
Alex Kurtman and Roberto Orci the screenwriters have really fleshed out Cruises' character this time around. "The fun of Mission: Impossible for us is finding out how to make a movie that was really an exploration of that character in a way that the previous two movies have not done, aside from some unbelievable action sequences," Kurtzman says.
M:I:III stars Tom Cruise, Ving Rhames, Laurence Fishburne, Keri Russell, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Michelle Monaghan, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Simon Pegg, (yes I said Simon Pegg- don't ask)!
Director J.J. Abrams (Alias), is currently lensing in Shanghai. It'll also film in United States and Italy and it's set for a May 5, 2006 release.

Mark gets a Dalek & Cubaboy doesn't offend

One sign of the apocolypse in the day is frightening but I've seen two today.

1. My friend and 2IGTV co-host Mark has bought a radio-controlled Dalek. If you have'nt figured out from listening to him, Mark does not under any circumstances buy someing that serves no useful purpose. He own's nothing that does not perform a specific function which benefits the operation of his life. He owns no works of art, ornaments, religious iconry or childhood treasures. But when he saw a radio controlled Dalek the other day he just had to go and buy it. Apperently it was so bereft of reason or point to buy- that in itself- was a reason!

2. Cubaboy has written non-filth infested,
worthwhile observation on the most recent waste of Hollywood money "War Of The Worlds", and... and... Christ- I agree with every word he says!!!
I'd also go as far as saying that I doubt anyone (even Speilberg) could sue him for this peice either!

Friday, December 09, 2005

"CHiPs" ride again!

And this time it's not a case where they dig up Larry Wilcox and Eric Estrada to do a TV movie as in "CHiPs 99". No, this is a fully modernised movie much like they're doing at the moment with Miami Vice. The only casting at the moment is Wilmer Valderrama as Poncherillo but I'll have more soon no doubt.

It begs the question what's the next wonderful childhood memory to be raped by the power of Hollywood unoriginality?

Answers in the comments below...

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Bourne revealed!

The trilogy of Bourne spy films attempts to answer the question: Who is Jason Bourne? The final installment – The Bourne Ultimatum – should answer that once and for all.

Jason Bourne embarks on a mission to get to the bottom of things – the Treadstone project, and the conspiracy among those who would like to eliminate the evidence. Along the way, he discovers his pre-Treadstone past in the military, his mother, and his real name.

Locations will range from London to Paris to Gibraltar to New York but this will be a big one so don't expect it next year.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Indy 4 is God's next job

Lucas is now devoting himself full-time to writing and producing "Indiana Jones 4." Steven Spielberg, of course, will direct. Lucas said at the King Kong premiere that he's got a script now from Jeff Nathanson, and he's tweaking it. That won't go on forever, he assured, and filming will occur before Harrison Ford goes into a nursing home. LOL.

Ads in your games? Whatever next?

You've seen them so many times in movies and TV. Carefully placed products and logos scattered seemingly innocently around the scene, a can of Coke here, a bottle of Heinekin, Bud or whatever somewhere else, a car passing the golden arches of McDonalds. It happens now with such frequency that those of us who aren't slaves to advertising like myself probably ignore them- I don't even remember Will's car in I-Robot (above) had an Audi logo- maybe it was because the movie was a load of shit?

However I didn't ignore some advertising the other day; Sam Fisher, the Ex Navy S.E.A.L. you play in Splinter Cell 3: Chaos Theory is preparing for a mission on board an Osprey, he opens a pack of chewing gum and pops one in his mouth. He sets it down and the camera pans downwards to focus on it- a pack of Airwaves! It was the most blatent advertising, I'd ever seen in a game. Okay I've seen the advertising in a virtual football field and billboards in driving games but never in something like this and certainly not something as blatent.

It turns out however that this new practice works just as well as The Force on the weak-minded according to a study that was highlighted on Sci Fi Wire today.

Monday, December 05, 2005

The Mummy III: Dear God no!

It would have been daft not to make a sequel to the original 1999 The Mummy film. So they did; but it was shit! However for some bizarre reason the studio has greenlighted at least a script for a third Mummy film and it appears that the new Mummy villain will be Chinese.

The desiccated remains of China's first uber-Emperor Qin Shihuang… Wang wants to take over the world by releasing his army of warriors who were cursed and turned into terracotta statues a few millennia ago."

Stephen Sommers is not writing apparently, it'll be Alfred Gough and Miles Millar, the creators of Smallville. There's no confirmation that Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz are involved with the film, but their parts are written.

Sizemore not jailed... yet!

Actor Tom Sizemore ain't going to jail after his lawyers convinced an L.A. judge that prescribed medication made him fail a drugs test. The actor, 44, was deemed to have violated conditions of his probation, which dates back to a 2004 drugs offence, when a routine test discovered amphetamines in his urine.
Sizemore has already spent three months in a rehabilitation clinic for his addictions, and the court has declined the prosecution's request to jail the star - if he can provide a prescription to prove his claims. Sizemore is currently on bail, pending his appeal over his conviction for domestic violence against former lover, Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss.
Hell if normal people in work can get a doctors note to prevent them being fired, I'm sure a Hollywood actor can get a prescription written up for a Judge ya?

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Picard NOT boldly gone...

Patrick Stewart has said in a recent press conference promoting his new series Eleventh Hour that there have been "talks" with Paramount executives of his possible return to Star Trek. Stewart considers the talks "serious", but as he's contracted to the Royal Shakespeare Company for the next 16 months nothing will happen before then.

So I'll be back with more news of this in March 2007.

The rise and fall of Ang Lee

Before the turn of the century I was privileged to see a film with Toby Maguire set in the old west called Ride with the Devil it. I can't say it was a remarkable film and it never made it to my DVD list, but if it ever came on telly, I probably wouldn't turn it off.

I wasn't too long after that that I went to see Wo hu cang long or "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" to those of you who are uncultured. I found it quite remarkable. It was interesting to see Chow Yun Fat not diving across a room in slow motion firing dual berettas with pigeons flying everywhere. Crouching Tiger, was beautifully shot, wonderfully acted and superbly directed.

It was interesting for me to find out at this time that the director of both films was Ang Lee a filmmaker from Taiwan. I was actually looking forward to the next film directed by this man.

Unfortunately it was the godamn Hulk. But I'm not going to talk about that, it's too painful.

His next film is Brokeback Mountain starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger as two cowboys. It's billed as a love-story so I knew it wouldn't be my cup of tea, but love stories don't hurt director’s careers do they? But then my friend told me that the two stars play fag- pardon me, Homosexual Cowboys.

Bye bye Ang.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

DOOM review

Movie reviews are not something I'm going to do a lot of, I prefer to discuss them with Mark during 2IGTV, but this is one I must do. I've barely have had enough time to recover from an extraordinary experience last night; I played one of my trademark PC games in a packed cinema with no need to reload, quicksave or get cramps which turn the palm of my hand into the shape of a Logitech wheel mouse.

Yes, DOOM opened here yesterday to a packed house, full of male video-game nerds who no doubt, like me, were at some point in their lives; Galactic Space Marines who travelled to Phobos, Deimos, the surface Mars and to Hell itself to kill demons in the most influential (now ripped off by everyone) game in western civilisation to date: DOOM.

I doubt a single one of them was disappointed. With only a few major changes to the story of the DOOM games, in which the Demons invade mars through a portal from Hell, in the movie they’re a product of the usual genetic research gone awry as in Resident Evil and propagate like Aliens. These changes accepted however, you're in for some treat. Fantastic set pieces, great use of automatic weaponry, many references to the game, a senseless amount of gore and violence and of course Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson make for one terrific movie.

See it today. That’s an order!

Colonel Creedon Rating: *****