Technolotics; the Colonel as you've never seen him before...

... and for all you ladies expecting to see me naked, I must dissapoint, but delight you in other ways by telling you that I appear (with Mark offscreen) in Episode 40 of Irelands first independant Vidcast: "Technolotics", a lighthearted look at the world of Technology and Politics.

Picture: Me and Francis from the Technolotics crew.

Naturally we upset the somewhat left-wing socialist viewpoint of the show, but even the show's producer felt things needed to be shanken up a bit, so how bad?

It's almost a 50 minute long video so be patient. You can get it at the 2IGTV website now!

The Colonel In Dublin

I had the misfortune of having to go to Dublin today. I do so hate that hole, but it was a necessary measure to continue my quest for fame (but more on that later). I noticed that the spike or spire, that ridiculous monstrosity that claims to be art that even the Dubs themselves are ashamed of, is leaning. I mean Jesus lads... do something about it. It's going to fuckin' fall!!!







Picture: Mark

The North Korean Menace

In the past 24 hours, North Korea has launched 7 missiles into the Sea of Japan. One of their largest and most far-reaching the Taepodong-2 is capable of reaching the US mainland, but apparently failed 40 seconds into its launch.
While I'm readying for possible military action against Iran, I did monitor the launches from the bunker. Non-military people have been asking me all day, what's going on? Is it WWIII? Them I can only assure that North Korea's technology is 10 years behind that of the US and no match for the impressive anti-missile defense system in place by both the US and Japan.

Taepodong in Korean means "a kind of penis" and it appears that for the moment the penis is somewhat flaccid.

Goodbye Charlie

While some focus on the negative aspects of his life, one cannot deny the value of the achievements that Charles J. Haughey made to the state during his many tumultuous years in office. The Succession Act, The Extradition Act, The reactivation Special Criminal Court, the end to the IRA's border campaign and free travel and subsidised electricity for OAP's and tax exemptions for artists and the disabled. His budget cutting measures after 1987 transformed the economy and paved the way for an unprecedented decade of economic boom and the Celtic Tiger era of the late 1990s and he was also responsible for one of the greatest economic benefits to the country, the International Financial Services Centre.

On Friday June 16th 2006 the country said goodbye to one of it's most loved and famous political figures in a state funeral attended by thousands of mourners. I myself mourned the passing of a man, to whom the invasion of Northern Ireland by the Irish Army was his proposed solution to the Northern troubles in the late 1960's.

Goodbye Charlie.

Got 'im!

Was a bit busy yesterday. Target neutralized.

French are drinking piss

California wines have trounced Bordeaux in an epic rematch of a historic blind taste test credited with reshaping the wine world.

The US triumph came exactly 30 years after an historic tasting session in Paris when French judges voted New World wines better than those from their own country.

The event became known as the Judgment Of Paris and was a pivotal moment in the industry's history - until then US wines had been considered inferior.

I myself don't like French wine, admittadly mainly due to the fact that it comes from France as opposed to tasting rotten. I prefer any Spanish rosé or a South African white to anthing excreted by France, but now even the yanks (who can't really lay claim to any original idea) have beaten the frogs too. Well done.

NOT 2IGTV Episode 17???!!!

Although I was completly opposed to it: Mark insisted on "The Colonel Creedon Experience". You have my personal assurance that this will not be happening again.

Listen now to find out about Die Hard 4, Flyboys, Dallas, Transformers, The latest disaster made-for-TV movie from ABC, and why Sir Mick Jagger has made himself Colonel Creedon Enemy #1!


Tune in now! iTunes Feed / mp3

Pope Is A Man Of iPod (so is The Colonel)

The Ex-Nazi Pope Benedict XVI has an iPod. He got one as gift by staff at Vatican Radio. Officials have loaded it with his favourite tracks, mostly religious music, plus pieces by Beethoven, Mozart and Chopin. The pontiff has even been spotted around the Vatican using his iPod and distinctive white earphones. "He is very pleased with the iPod," a spokesman said. "The Holy Father likes to unwind listening to it and is of the opinion that this sort of technology is the future."

Some of the other well known iPod users include the Queen, President Bush, Tony Blair and Colonel Creedon himself. Colonel Creedon has this to say about the iPod:

Everyone should have an iPod. Well that statement may not be accurate, let's say instead that "everyone should have an MP3 player", or at least everyone who listens to music regularly. Bottom line is if you don't have an iPod (in any of its incarnations) or a Zen or some portable device in this day and age- than I have news for you- you're nobody.

I think it should be made law that people are forced to get MP3 players and people who don't want them should be dragged out like dogs onto the street and shot. I personally don't understand how some people can live without them- they're quite happy swapping these giant 4.5 inch discs called CD's in and out of their Sony CD players. How archaic and so 20th century of them. Its backward Neanderthals like these that cling to ancient technology that's holding the human race back from conquering the stars. Christ! They make me puke.

Violence and terrorism soar in the Colonel's absence

In retrospect it was probably a bad idea for me to 'advertise' that I was leaving the country for a couple of days...

At midday yesterday in Dublin, rioting broke out in protest to an Orange march through the city, an act which was about as clever as a KKK march through Alabama.

Now while I don't condone the actions of the obviously organised Republicans being joined by the Dublin scumbag elements and smashing in shop fronts and setting cars ablaze; the problem in the first place was the march to have been allowed to go ahead at all.

While I believe in the right to vote, the freedom of speech and the right to go and see crap like Jarhead if you want to, I do not on the other hand agree with people’s right to protest or march in any fashion especially if it would be as offensive as yesterday's attempt. If I had my way these groups of people should be encircled by police and shot with flamethrowers soon as they gather. Elsewhere "Peaceful protestors" who chain themselves to railings should have their chained arms legs or whatever amputated on site with no anaesthetic and their rotting limbs left dangling as a warning to those who would consider supporting their pointless and time-wasting actions. "Sit-down protestors" should just be shot in the ass and that'll solve their anarchical tendencies.

To add to my own ill-conceived broadcasting of my plans it was announced that an al-Qaeda cell had opened in North Cork and recruited Cubaboy. Now I have to mobilise a recon and assault unit to take back Mallow of all places.

Destination: London

I'm off to this area of London in a couple of hours to undertake a special mission. My cover is that I'll be travelling with a group of folk on a mad drinking session.

My code name for the operation will be: Rabid Wombat.

Don't wait up as I may have to get deep into my cover...

Colonel Creedon In Action

This had to happen. Click here to download the video (Mp4@3.1Mb).

(Warnning: Contains scenes of hilarity, the producers of 2IGTV are not responcible for loss of your bladder control while watching this)

Exciting News!

I had this press release all ready to show you, but Mark had the CIA go over it with their black marker and delete any infomation that shouldn't be revealed before you see what the press release was about.
So although I can't tell you, I urge you to come back tomorrow evening to see the latest project from the team that bring you 2IGTV!

Face/Off a reality!

I'll admit I thought this was pretty incredible when I read it: Apparently some French (they might actually be good for somthing) surgeons were watching the John Woo film Face/Off starring John Travolta and Nicholas Cage the other night and one said to the other "Hey mon ami we shurd tryy do dis for ray-al wee?"

And they did. Amazingly they perfomed the worlds first Face Transplant. One of the patients was dead before they started though. They couldn't be expected to be as good as the surgeons in Face/Off (they are only French after all), read about it here.

I can see this being marketed soon enough however and soon we'll be able to buy the face of our celebrity heroes. Me: I've got dibs on Connery!

Joes remember their own on Veterans Day!

The members of Counter Terrorist Group Delta known to most as G.I.Joe: America's daring highly trained special mission force, held their own Veterans Day ceremony at noon yesterday. Presiding over the ceremony was Brigadier General J. Flagg, son of the original G.I.Joe commanding general who lost his life to the evil arms-dealer Destro during a battle in Washington in 1983.

The flag was raised and saluted to remember all the Joes who had fallen in battle with Cobra: A ruthless terrorist organisation determined to rule the world.
(Picture shows left to right:- Chief Warrant Officer 4 Edward W. "Torpedo" Leialoha representing the US Navy, Major Brad J. "Ace" Armbruster of the USAF, Gunnery Sergeant Wendell A. "Leatherneck" Metzger, USMC, First Sergeant Conrad S. "Duke" Hauser representing the US Army, Lieutenant General Clayton M. "Hawk" Abernathy (sitting) US Army, former Commanding Officer of G.I.Joe who was paralysed recently when shot in the back by Cobra Commander, General Joseph B. "G.I.Joe" Colton US Army, Commanding Officer G.I.Joe and Brigadier General James Longstreet Flagg III, US Army, son of the original G.I.Joe commanding general- B.Gen. Lawrence Flagg, who was KIA battling Cobra over 20 years ago. Flag held by Sergeant Major Ettienne R. "Gung-Ho" Lafitte, USMC)

The memorial speech for fallen Joes was given by Colonel "Whopper" Creedon who himself once served as the MOUT Operations Commander for the G.I.Joe team. While Col.Creedon's speech was far too long to reprint here, he did make special mention of the Joes who had recently fallen in battle:

"We must never forget the sacrifices given by our comrades who laid down their lives so that we can continue to enjoy our freedom in a democratic and just society. Since the Global War On Terror began; 8 more brave and courageous men and women from our armed forces who united under our common goal to rid the world of tyranny, terrorism and oppression sadly lost their lives.

Corporal Wilmer S. "Hardball" Duggleby, US Army Infantry
Sergeant First Class Allison R. "Lady Jaye" Faireborn, US Army Intelligence
Petty Officer Second Class Dwane A. "Rampart" Felix, US Navy Coastal Defence
Sergeant Anthony S. "Flash" Gambello, US Army Electronics
Chief Petty Officer Christopher R. "Tracker" Groen, US Navy SEALS
Sergeant First Class Jane "Glenda" Mullighan, US Army Air Corps
Staff Sergeant Blaine L. "Mainframe" Parker, USMC Electronics
and
Sergeant Phillip M. "Chuckles" Provost, US Army CID

Least we not forget their ultimate sacrifice in the name of peace. The death of a friend and colleague may diminish us as a whole, but it will serve only to strengthen our resolve. We will never give up, we're always there, fighting for freedom over land, sea and air".

HAPPY BIRTHDAY USMC

Today is the 230th Birthday of the USMC. I'll just post this message now from the Commandant. Semper Fi!

ON NOVEMBER 10TH, 1775, THE SECOND CONTINENTAL CONGRESS RESOLVED TO RAISE TWO BATTALIONS OF CONTINENTAL MARINES MARKING THE BIRTH OF OUR UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS. AS MAJOR GENERAL LEJEUNE'S MESSAGE REMINDS US, THE ENSUING GENERATIONS OF
MARINES WOULD COME TO SIGNIFY ALL THAT IS HIGHEST IN WARFIGHTING EXCELLENCE AND MILITARY VIRTUE. EACH NOVEMBER AS MARINES THE WORLD OVER CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF OUR CORPS, WE PAY TRIBUTE TO THAT LONG LINE OF "SOLDIERS OF THE SEA" AND THE ILLUSTRIOUS LEGACY THEY HAVE HANDED DOWN TO US.
THIS PAST YEAR HAS BEEN ONE OF CONTINUOUS COMBAT OPERATIONS OVERSEAS AND DISTINGUISHED SERVICE HERE AT HOME - A YEAR OF CHALLENGES THAT HAVE BROUGHT OUT THE VERY BEST IN OUR CORPS. IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN, MARINE COURAGE AND MASTERY OF COMPLEX AND CHAOTIC ENVIRONMENTS HAVE TRULY MADE A DIFFERENCE IN THE LIVES OF
MILLIONS. MARINE COMPASSION AND FLEXIBILITY PROVIDED HUMANITARIAN ASSISTANCE TO THOUSANDS IN THE WAKE OF THE SOUTH EAST ASIAN TSUNAMI, AND HERE AT HOME, MARINES WITH AAVS, HELICOPTERS, AND SOMETIMES WITH THEIR BARE HANDS SAVED HUNDREDS OF OUR OWN FELLOW AMERICANS IN THE WAKE OF HURRICANES KATRINA AND RITA. ACROSS THE FULL SPECTRUM OF OPERATIONS, YOU HAVE SHOWCASED THAT MARINES CREATE STABILITY IN AN UNSTABLE WORLD, AND HAVE REINFORCED OUR CORPS' REPUTATION FOR SETTING THE STANDARD OF EXCELLENCE.
THE SENSE OF HONOR, COURAGE, AND PATRIOTISM THAT EPITOMIZED THOSE WHO ANSWERED THAT FIRST CALL TO ARMS 230 YEARS AGO IS STILL INDELIBLY IMPRINTED ON OUR RANKS TODAY. IN COMMEMORATING OUR ANNIVERSARY, LET US STRENGTHEN OUR TIES TO THE PAST BY PAYING HOMAGE TO THOSE WHO HAVE GONE BEFORE US. AS WE HONOR THE SACRIFICES OF OUR WOUNDED AND FALLEN COMRADES, OUR COMMITMENT TO ONE ANOTHER REMAINS UNSHAKABLE. WE TAKE SPECIAL PRIDE IN THE ACTIONS OF THE MARINES NOW SERVING IN HARM'S WAY, AND REDEDICATE OURSELVES TO THE SERVICE OF OUR NATION AND OUR CORPS.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARINES, SEMPER FIDELIS, AND KEEP ATTACKING!

M.W.HAGEE, GENERAL, U.S. MARINE CORPS, COMMANDANT OF THE MARINE CORPS.

The Colonel survives frozen iPod scare!

The other day my iPod (named Apollo on VerTecXneT after the god of music) froze. For want of a better word it crashed! It was a terrifying experience, the iPod device has revolutionised the way people listen to music the world over and certainly personally it has negated the need for carrying CD’s and awkward portable CD players which can take up almost 5 times the space of an iPod.
Anyway after I unplugged Apollo from Hyperion recently it neglected to turn over control of its interface to me; i.e. the clickwheel didn’t work. I found this odd, but I was aware of the procedure to automatically reset it, so I wasn’t fazed. I attempted to reset it by pressing the MENU and SELECT buttons simultaneously which is SOP for a frozen iPod. This however did not work. I found this curious, but I persevered and re-attempted the operation, but again nothing. A quick search on the internet revealed that it sometimes only works if you have the unit plugged into a power supply using the AC adaptor as opposed to Hyperion’s powered firewire connection, so I gave that a go, but to no avail.

My distress level was admittedly rising a bit at this point, but I wasn’t about to give up, as a Marine, I’m incapable of surrender. Another option the internet revealed was to open up the iPod and disconnect the battery. As without the battery, the iPod will loose its internal memory and ‘forget’ it was frozen. Now if you’re familiar with an iPod you also know there are no screws or any visible way to get into the internal working of the thing, so before I tell you what I did next I’ll give you a warning:
Opening your iPod will completely invalidate your warranty- you’ll have no recourse. If you send it to Apple after it has been opened by a non-Apple individual they will charge you the price of a new iPod to ‘repair’ it. In reality they just send you a new one.
Also, opening the iPod is quite easy for someone like me whose ego allows him to believe that he’s a technical genius (which I am), and someone who is apprehensive or fearful about tinkering with highly valuable microelectronic components has no business whatsoever in attempting to open one.
I was going to post a link to a website that details how to open an iPod, but then you could come back to me and saw “you said if I followed these instructions I could open my iPod and…” well you get the idea.

To shorten this post, let’s just say opened Apollo, located the battery and disconnected it from the motherboard. I left it off for about 20 minutes leaving any residual charge in the components dissipate. When everything was back together, I was filled with anticipation as I awaited the little Apple logo on screen and for it to go back to the main menu, but alas, it didn’t; instead it returned to its previous frozen state.

It appeared I had exhausted all viable options I could locate on the internet. It was time to seek a higher power, the man from whom I learned to do all of this, I speak of Mark. Mark's solution was to update Apollo’s software to the very latest release and wipe the memory entirely- THEN remove the battery and see what happened. When that didn’t work he simply offered his condolences at the ‘loss’ of my iPod and was a bit peeved that I would have to get a new video-capable iPod (as they don’t make my model any more) and thus be technically superior to him.

At this point I felt the need to paraphrase Sherlock Homes “when all other contingencies fail, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the cause.” It wasn’t the software in the iPod, or the hard disk being stuck, so I was forced to conclude that it must have been the click wheel itself was at fault. I was dubious that even my vast experience and knowledge would be enough to able to repair a defective component deep within the inner workings of an iPod, but the only alternative was having to buy a new one, so I reached for my tools one more time and again began to dissect Apollo piece by piece.

It was not until after I had removed the motherboard from the device that I could finally see the issue that had plagued me since this began. Somehow a miniscule metal contact strip leading from the rear of the click wheel assembly has become disconnected from the motherboard. Don’t ask me how. I would understand if it happened AFTER I opened the Apollo, but it obviously had disconnected itself beforehand, leading to the initial problem.

With the help of a tiny tweezers I was able to reseat the metal strip into its home slot on the motherboard, reconnect all the other components and seal Apollo once again. I was overjoyed when switched on again it asked me to choose an operating language (because I had wiped the memory and the device had to be set up all over again) which I was able do with my now-functioning click wheel.

Another crisis averted by Colonel “Whopper” Creedon.

Another African needs my bank account

"princessfatimah kinghumah"

DEAR FRIEND,

Good day and Compliments to you in the name of our creator Almighty Allah, I am princess FATIMAH D.HUMAH, writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of Allah for you to help me and my family, almighty Allah will bless and reward you aboundantly and you would never regret this.

My family and I are true Muslim and worship Allah truthfully.I got your contact during my search for this assistance. I am a female student from University of Burkina Faso, Ouaga. I am 25 yrs old. I'd like any person who can be carring, loving and home oriented. I will love to have a long-term relationship with you and to know more about you.

I would like to build up a solid foundation with you in time coming if you can be able to help me in this transaction. Well,my father died earlier
two months ago and left I and my junior brother behind. He was a king, which our town citizens titled him over sixteen years before his death. I was a
princess to him and I am the only person who can take care of his wealth now because my junior brother is still young and my mother is not
literateenough to know all my father's wealth.

He left the sum of USD 5.5M (Five Million, Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars)in the bank for security reason.This money was annually paid into my late fathers account from SAHEL BURKINA FASO is a Minining Comany operating in our locality for the compensation of youth and community development in our jurisdiction.

I don't know how and what I will do to invest this money somewhere in abroad, so that my father's kindred will not take over what belongs to my father and our family, which they were planning to do without my consent because I am a female as stated by our culture in the town.

Now,I urgently need your humble assistance to move this money from the security company to your bank account, That is why I felt happy when I saw
your contact because I strongly believe that by the grace of Allah, you will help me invest this money wisely. I am ready to pay 30% of the total
amount to you if you help us in this transaction and another 10% interest of Annual After Income to you, for handling this transaction for us,which
you will strongly have absolute control over it.

If you can handle this project sincerely and also willing to assist me in lifting this fund, kindly reach me.Please, note that this transaction
is 100% risk free and I hope to commence the transaction as quick as possible,I will send you my picture as soon as I hear from you for recognition.

Yours sincerely,
PRINCESS FATIMAH HUMAH.(MIS).



Okay, I'll have to admit, I've never been as tempted to respond to a hoax since some fuckers rang my house one day pretending to be Satanists and wondering if my local church would mind hosting a satanic mass- 20 minutes later he hung up believing I was a minister of the Eucharist and secretly a member of the Order of the Demonic Horde.

But getting back to Princess Fatimah: As responding in any way shape or form would be as useless as a handle on a snowball, I've decided instead to post my "reply" here for all to see...


Dear Princess Fatimah,

I am in receipt of your E-mail dated Tue, Oct 18th 2005. You have presented an eloquent, convincing and compelling case for my aid. Before I can set things in motion however, there are a few points in your E-mail that I feel I must address before we begin our "long term relationship".

1) Where in the name of "Almighty Allah" did you get my "contact"? You did a search for assistance!? What kind of assistance? What did you enter into the search engine? "I need a hero"? That would have brought you to Bonnie Tyler lyrics. It came to my Personal private E-mail account, known only to me, my friends and organisations which whom I conduct private business with. I'm very careful to tick the box that does not allow the company to send my E-mail address to every clusterfuck wanting to sell me \/1@Gr/\ or improve my sex-life by adding girth to what is already alluded to as being a most impressive "weapon" by envious male readers of my Blog. So please enlighten me.

2) Do I sound caring, loving or home-oriented to you? Did wherever you got my E-mail address make me sound that way? Tell me so that I can sue for defamation. I find it unlikely that someone would have described ME like that, and I certainly would write up myself to sound like such a pussy. For the most authentic profile of me: EYES RIGHT BITCH!

3) You want a long term relationship with me and to know more about me? in that order?... did you read the profile?

4) Okay this bit, I love: your father's estate is $5.5M? How did he die again? Oh you didn't say did you? Right, anyway, now this money was annually paid into his account from SAHEL BURKINA FASO a mining company which is operating in your locality in return for contributions to youth and community development in your area? So why were they paying your father as well? Was the money just resting in his account before he delivered it to the youth and the community? No, sorry dear the company was probably paying your father off to keep him quiet while they were using the poor youth and community as slave labour in the mines. Now they they've dried up your father had to have an accident when he was enraged that his source of income had dried up too- how's that for a theory? It may also be of intrest for you to know that I have here a list of all 31 legitimate gold-mining companies in your country and guess what? There is no SAHEL BURKINA FASO mining company in operation there at all!!! Isn't that weird?

5) So you want to invest the money abroad, that's great: Removing $5.5m from the coffers of one of the poorest countries in the world where half the population are below the poverty line without some sort of plan is fucking nuts lady.

Also considering that bacterial diarrhoea, hepatitis A, typhoid fever, malaria, schistosomiasis, meningococcal meningitis and of course HIV are in such a high abundance there, I can safely say that I'll never choose of my own free will to be within 10 meters near any of you without a HAZMAT suit, never mind a "long-term relationship".

Here's the most major problem however, you're not that long having become independent from France, you all still speak French, and no one likes the French, so don't expect too much help.

The mighty Allah can't help you now!

Regards,

Colonel "Whopper" Creedon

Charlesfort

It was a lovely day in Charlesfort this afternoon, where I went to see a group of re-enactors shoot each other with blanks. Here we see the United Irishmen give a pasting to the British :)
The Irish Lebanon Veterans were also there with their UN equipment, which you see behind me. Am I cool or what?

New Telly Set Up

Cool! I managed to set up my telly in time to see Cork beat Galway in the All-Ireland.