Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Zombies are here. Be prepared!

One of the finest news-sources on the planet "The Onion", has just released an article detailing the inadequate defences in the city of Pittsburgh, which indicates that the city could easily succumb to a devastating zombie attack. It provides from some sobering reading here.

I myself am a veteran of many attempts by the undead to walk the earth but usually these incursions are on a small scale limited to secret underground military installations. The true danger nowadays is that they could surface during the day and learn to use weapons armour or even vehicles or some freaky shit like that.

The end of this month is a prime time for them to 'surface' and feed off the living so I'd suggest arming yourself with something deadly, anything that could remove a head would be good, but a few well judged whacks with a hurley should do the job too.

Be aware as well of young zombies posing as "Trick or Treaters". I came accross one poor fucker who got his arm bitten off by a group of them one year before my team arrived to liquidate the little shits! So if they do call to your door this year I'd suggest crowning them with a hurley before they do their thing- if it does turn out to be a genuine kid: just think of the fortune you save the parents in the future on schooling and college fees.


Anonymous said...

I'm always concerned about the possibility of a Zombie attack. In the absence of lightsabers for self preservation, you have to go a long way to match the Katana/Baseball bat combination (as firearms are technically illegal for non-military and chainsaws are a bugger to wield one-handed).

Unknown said...

I believe I work with several zombies. That dull glazed look, the constant stench of rotting cabbage, the inability to make coherent sense or logical judgement. I call them "management" and it is my job to battle the forces of "management" to the death. First I shall attack them with exploding piss bombs as zombies are allergic to human man piss. Them a swift counter attack of scour grenades up the jacksee and away we go. Oh and as for Trick or treaters, or as I like to call them, beggars, what daft cunt thought of that, a catholic priest living in Wexford??? Sending a bunch a kiddies dressed in lingerie anround to strangers houses??? What??? Other kids didn't wear lingerie??? Well that may explain it!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

First prize goes for the coolest way of dispatching a zombie, its gotta be the lp in Shaun of the Dead