Thursday, December 22, 2011

Dead??? I didn't even know Kim Jong was il

The years most hilarious post-heading aside, it seems that Christmas has come early for the people of North Korea as the evil dictator and long-suspected extra terrestrial Kim Jong-il [pictured left] died earlier in the week.

Despite this great news, we must err on the side of caution. Jong-il's death may not plunge the country into chaos as he had begun grooming his son, Kim Jong-un to succeed him and placed him in a high-ranking position. It remains to be seen however if the young whelp has had sufficient time to consolidate a power base and form the necessary alliances required to rule the troubled country.

Jong-il's death could set back efforts by the west to get Pyongyang to abandon its nuclear weapons ambitions. Concerns are also high that Kim Jong-un may feel he needs to prove himself by precipitating a crisis or displaying his swagger on the international stage.

The "mourners" in N.Korea must pretend to wail at the loss of their "beloved" leader or they'll be shot.

Whatever the future; this was a great time to vacation in North Korea. Pure coincidence I swear...

Thursday, December 08, 2011

Mercury Invaded!

An Extra Terrestrial spacecraft is currently in orbit of the planet Mercury possibly sending in ground forces to establish a permanent staging area from which to launch an assault on Earth.

That was the chilling revelation from Rear Admiral "Smokestack" Henderson Acting Director of UNETIDA speaking from the UN in New York this afternoon. Henderson said he had received actionable intelligence that there could be an imminent threat in our own solar system.

Colonel "Whopper" Creedon Acting Director of Intelligence, UNETIDA revealed images of a gigantic object almost the size of Mercury itself which has appeared on both astronomers and UNETIDA extra-planetary surveillance officers' screens lurking near the planet."The only explanation is that it's a cloaked Extra Terrestrial craft the size of the Death Star from Star Wars" said Colonel Creedon. "I mean what else could it be?"

The Colonel theorizes that the craft secretly is offloading troops and war machines including inter-planetary missile launchers which may deliver payloads loaded with personnel "like in Quake 2" or warheads capable of completely obliterating our planet."If they have the technology to get here and cloak themselves, we have to assume that the −183 °C to 427 °C temperatures won't be much of an issue for them," he added.

Admiral Henderson was at the UN to ask for increased funding to the tune of  US$5.5 Trillion for UNETIDA space defence projects including a number of first strike initiatives designed to prevent attacks on the Earth by eliminating the enemy first. It is assumed Colonel Creedon's trademark "theatrical scaremongering" will secure the much needed budget.

Colonel "Whopper" Creedon reveals a cloaked alien craft near Mercury.

Source: Civilian Overseer / The Daily Mail

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

December 7th 1941, "a date which will live in infamy."

Today marks the 70th Anniversary of the cowardly attack on Pearl Harbor by the Empire of Japan "which awakened a skleeping giant" and broughtthe United States into World War II.

Seven decades later President Barack Obama called for the Stars and Stripes to be flown at half mast on federal buildings across the country, to mark National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day.

"On a serene Sunday morning 70 years ago, the skies above Pearl Harbor were darkened by the bombs of Japanese forces in a surprise attack that tested the resilience of our armed forces and the will of our nation," Obama said in an address.

"In the wake of the bombing of our harbor and the crippling of our Pacific Fleet, there were those who declared the United States had been reduced to a third-class power. But rather than break the spirit of our Nation, the attack brought Americans together and fortified our resolve. Patriots across our country answered the call to defend our way of life at home and abroad."

Obama paid tribute to "the more than 3,500 Americans killed or wounded during that deadly attack and ... to the heroes whose courage ensured our nation would recover from this vicious blow. "As a nation, we look to December 7, 1941, to draw strength from the example set by these patriots and to honor all who have sacrificed for our freedoms."

U.S. Navy vetran David Callahan, one of the few living surviors of the attack will attend a memorial ceremony today. It will be his fist time back at Pearl since then.

Sources AFP / Foz News

EARTH 2 Located! Threat Imminent!

NASA concept artist's impression of Keplar 22b
Defying UNETIDA suggestions, NASA have revealed the discovery of the first ever planet in a habitable zone outside our solar system.

While earlier this year astronomers "confirmed" the first rocky exoplanet to meet key requirements for sustaining life was Kepler-22b, initially glimpsed in 2009, their findings were much dismissed as those astronomers were actually french, and therefore cretins. However now that the US space agency has confirmed the planet, it can be taken as being fact and is emerging in news stories across the globe.

Confirmation means that astronomers have seen it crossing in front of its star three times and that the conditions are right for our form of life and not that they know life actually exists there. It has the right distance from its star to support water, plus a suitable temperature and atmosphere to support life as we know it. "We have now got good planet confirmation with Kepler-22b," said Bill Borucki, Kepler principal investigator at NASA Ames Research Center. "We are certain that it is in the habitable zone and if it has a surface, it ought to have a nice temperature," he told reporters.

"If we can see their planet, then we have to assume they can see ours" declared Colonel "Whopper" Creedon, Acting Director of Intelligence for UNETIDA. "It's naive to believe that they have the same level of technology we have and that somehow being 600 light years away is the same kind of insurmountable obstacle that it is to us presently."

Colonel "Whopper" Creedon during his briefing to the UNSC

The Colonel outlined his "first strike" strategy at a meeting of the UN Security Council this afternoon. Present were representatives of world military research agencies who are now drawing up plans to both conceive of a payload effective against a rocky, gaseous or liquid planet [as Kepler-22b's composition is unknown] and a method of delivering it as quickly as possible.

In the meantime NASA also announced that Kepler has uncovered  more than a thousand other potential target... er planets, twice the number it previously had been tracking, according to research being presented at a conference in California this week.

Read more here