Olympic Missiles not UNETIDA's

UNETIDA have denied accusations that the so-called "Olympic Missiles" being planned to be deployed by the British Ministry of Defence in the London area for the Olympics this summer is for defence against an imminent Extra Terrestrial attack.

"Nonsense," said Colonel "Rockets" Thompson, UNETIDA's Missile Defence Commander earlier today. "The tactical high-velocity missiles that the British are going to place on top of populated residential flats would do little against alien tech capable of reaching and attacking the planet."

Colonel Thomson was referring to a story which appeared in the worlds news yesterday where apparently a Higher Velocity Missile system could be placed on a water tower [above] in an East London estate, where 700 people live according to leaflets received by residents from the Ministry of Defence. The MoD says that the missiles will not pose a hazard to residents and "will only be authorised for active use following specific orders from the highest levels of government in response to a confirmed and extreme security threat".

The British Army says the HVM system is "designed to counter threats from very high performance, low-flying aircraft". It says the missile travels at more than three times the speed of sound, using "a system of three dart-like projectiles to allow multiple hits on the target". The missiles can be fired from the shoulder, from a lightweight multiple launcher or from armoured vehicles.

Residents of the gated flats on Bow, East London were wary over the plan according to spokesman Brian Whelan a resident and journalist. "From the few people I've spoken to, and the security we have here, they're not happy about it," he said. "I don't think it needs to be here at all. They say they'll only use them as a last resort, but... you'd shower debris across the east end of London by firing these missiles."

Mr Whelan, who claims to have seen soldiers carrying a crate into the building, said his property management company put up posters and gave out the leaflets [above] on Saturday.

Colonel Thompson assured the press that if UNETIDA had to fire off any of the class of missiles it controls that debris would be "the last thing folks would be worried about".

Read more at BBC News and FOX News.

Vampires attack Indian villages!

For the past few months, the villages of Gundalapatti and Mottangurichi near the Indian town of Dharmapuri have been deserted by 18:00 every day. Villagers are confining themselves indoors and no one goes out after dark for fear of attack from the roaming undead!

As strange as it sounds, the villagers are sure vampires (Ratha Kaatteri) have been attacking their cattle and could harm them as well. For some unknown reason, the cattle have been dying one after the other. Locals have now painted holy "namam" signs outside homes and written messages on doors asking vampires to spare them for the night.

Amused, members of the Indian political party Dravidar Kazhagam have announced 100,000 rupee [almost $2000] reward to anyone catching a vampire in the villages. “It is a big hoax. Anti-socials whose illegal night activities such as bootlegging and liquor brewing have been disturbed are spreading rumours and killing cattle,” said O. Jayaraman, who announced the reward. “Since people are not willing to believe us, we have challenged them with this reward."

The United Nations Paranormal and Supernatural Interdiction Directorate [UNPASID] has condemned the politicians action. "The last thing we need is some amateur Blade or Buffy running around the outskirts of Dharmapuri with silver, garlic, holy water and wooden stakes hoping to bag a leech" said Brigadier “Walrus” Jones, Assistant Director of UNPASID. "This is a job best left to professionals."

Source: IO9 / The DailyTelegraph / The Mail Online / The Deccan Chronicle

Kim Jong-un! More limp-dicked than daddy?

North Korea's latest attempt to launch a long-range rocket has once again ended in a complete failure. The reclusive country's new young leader Kim Jong-un has proved himself as impotent as his father – maybe even more so as in an unprecedented move – he admitted failure!

Embarrassingly, North Korea’s rocket flew for between 1.5 and 2 minutes covering a just over 100km before exploding over the Yellow Sea. This was much less than the last rocket in 2009 that overflew Japan. North Korea said its much hyped long-range rocket launch failed and the state now faces international outrage over the attempt.

The epic fail immediately raised questions over the impoverished nation's reclusive leadership which maintains one of the world's largest standing armies but which cannot feed its people without outside aid, largely from its solitary powerful backer, China. "The failed launch turns speculation toward the ramifications for the leadership in Pyongyang: a fireworks display gone bad on the biggest day of the year," said Scott Snyder of the Council on Foreign Relations.

The uncharacteristic admission of failure by the DPRK to 23 million people watching a state TV broadcast last night is a major discussion point however. "It could be indication of subtle change in the  leadership in how they handle these things, something that may be different from the past," said Baek Seung-joo of the Korea Institute of Defense Analyses. “It would have been unthinkable for them to admit this kind of failure in the past. The decision to have come out with the admission had to come from Kim Jong-un."

More importantly the launch is in breach of United Nations Security Council resolution 1874 and drew condemnation from the United States, Russia, Japan and South Korea and threats to tighten the already harsh sanctions aimed at stopping Pyongyang developing nuclear weapons. The concern is that they’re using launches to perfect the technology that would enable them to construct a warhead delivery system capable of striking the United States. North Korea has repeatedly defended its right to launch rockets for what it says are peaceful purposes and may have invested hundreds of millions of dollars in this latest failed attempt.

UNETIDA, who some conspiracy theorists believe prevented N.Korea’s previous launches has denied using their orbital “Skyshield” laser to destroy the North Korean rocket. “We were monitoring the situation closely and while we do have some broad-ranging powers to use Skyshield to defend and protect our trans-atmospheric technological infrastructure, we did not need take any preventative action against the feeble attempts of North Korea to make an orbital launch” said Colonel “Rockets” Thompson UNETIDA’s Missile Defence Commander. “Seriously, they’d have more luck trying to launch a satellite using a hot air balloon!”

The North American Aerospace Defense Command, NORAD, said the first stage rocket broke up in mid-flight inside the Earth's atmosphere and fell into the sea west of South Korea, and the remainder was deemed to have failed. "No debris fell on land," NORAD said. "At no time were the missile or the resultant debris a threat. The White House released a statement condemning the launch, saying: "Despite the failure of its attempted missile launch, North Korea's provocative action threatens regional security, violates international law and contravenes its own recent commitments." In response to the launch, Washington announced it was suspending plans to contribute food aid to the North in exchange for a rollback of its nuclear programs.

Source: Reuters / FOX News

John Carter of Waterworld

John Carter of Mars, a worthy tome from Edgar Rice Burroghs which Disney sought to be converted into a science fiction blockbuster so people with an aversion to the picture less written word could enjoy the tale as it was meant to be - in glorious 3D. Sadly a wealth of production issues which saw not one, but two reshoots - brought this enormous turkey to our cinema screens and forced the entire Disney corporation to declare a loss this quarter. That’s what you get for giving the best part of a quarter of a billion dollars to Andrew Stanton the animation director who brought us Wall-E for his first live action attempt. Stanton’s defence “I’m not going to get it right first time!” and he’s right, but I’d find it unbelievably to think he’ll be given a second chance.

Assuming that signing the contract was his first, Stanton's second mistake was Taylor Kitsch a more notable TV actor who played Gambit in Wolverine, in other words not someone you'd take a $250m risk on. I won’t say Kitsch was wooden as much as he was vanilla flavoured coke – you can’t judge it until you’ve tried it and now I’m worried about Battleship knowing he’s the lead because vanilla coke is something I've had to spit out. Something that may have contributed to the movie's hefty price tag was a smorgasbord of well-known supporting cast members. Dominic Centurion West and Mark Sherlock Holmes Strong served as dual villains, Willem Defoe and Samantha Morton lent their voice talents to the Thrakks with Ciaran Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy Hinds and James Ironclad Purefoy rounding off the cast. The best work was done by composer Michael Giacchino who produced more "perfume for a turd" as he did so wonderfully with Land of the Lost and Speed Racer.

Another problem was that the marketing for this movie was as anemic as Lionsgate had for Conan The Barbarian. Practically non-existent exposure and attempting to convince people at every turn that John Carter wasn't a science fiction epic [to the degree that they removed "of Mars" from its title] didn't help the movie at all. Did they know they had produced something to rival Waterworld as the biggest disgrace on celluloid? It would seem so. It is now confirmed as the biggest box-office bomb in movie history.

I’d have to regard the movie as “mildly entertaining” in so far as I’ve often wondered what it would be like if you could try to meld Star Wars and Flash Gordon together. The hero rescuing a princess that as it turns out can take care of herself was straight out of Star Wars, and the Thrakk arena not only looked like Geonosis from Attack of the Clones but it pitted man against beast in much the same way and ends with one of the main antagonists getting beheaded as fairly lively as Jango Fett; we’ve seen it all before and obviously done much better. The Thrakk were basically Flash Gordon’s Hawkmen who arrive at the last minute to turn the tide of battle and... and... bloody hell this movie was shit… I don’t need to write anymore, just accept it…

Colonel Creedon Rating: *