Thursday, September 30, 2010

Changing gay policy "a distraction"

During the Senate Armed Services Committee's grilling of General Jim Amos, President Obama's nominee to succeed General James Conway as Commandant of the U.S. Marine Corps; it emerged that Amos was opposed repeal of the law that bans gays from openly serving in the military.

Gen. Amos' comments came in a written statement provided to the panel the day the Senate was gearing up for a make-or-break vote that could force the Pentagon to lift the gay ban before a DOD-led study on the repeal is complete. Amos told the Committee that he worried changing the policy would serve as a "distraction" to Marines fighting in Afghanistan.

"My primary concern with proposed repeal is the potential disruption to cohesion that may be caused by significant change during a period of extended combat operations," Amos wrote. During one exchange with Sen. Pete Sessions, R-Ala., Amos said he would “stand to” and implement any changes in the law on gay service made by Congress. He said the Marine Corps would rely on discipline and leadership to ensure order, but that he didn't envision a gag order on troops who disagreed with revoking the ban.

Some Republicans have suggested they fear troops who openly oppose gay service would be punished for speaking out. "I don't see this as a racist issue," Amos said. "I see this as an anxious issue ... because we don't have the answers yet."

Source: / AP

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


"PBS is worried about her tits???... Sesame Street is aimed at an age group whose most recent experience with tits is feeding from them!!!" - Colonel "Whopper" Creedon, Saturday, September 25, 2010.

Little did I know that the legendary comedic talent Maya McGruber Rudolph would echo my prophetic words on Saturday Night Live's season 36 premiere with "Who cares if kids are looking at boobs? Boobs feed babies," proving that I have literally tapped into the zeitgeist of the insnity sorrounding Elmogate!

In case you haven't heard, the latest episode of children's Television series Sesame Street featured an apparence by Ms. Katy Perry. She appeared in a song with the little red muppet monster Elmo but was outfitted in a dress that some stuck-in-the-mud prudish parents deemed "unfitting" for childrens Television. Her video was promptly removed from the show. But thanks to Bruce Russell's link you can see it here.

The public outcry has been pheonomenal and was the centerpiece of Perry's apparence on SNL with guest host Amy Poehler in which Perry appeared as young Bronx girl who "developed" to extraordinary proportions over the summer. "Looks like today's show is brought to you by the number 38 and the letter double D," quipped Poehler. In defiance Perry wore an Elmo T-shirt that was rendered "distorted" by her bosom.

But what of Elmo himself? Well he appeared in an interview with George Stephanopoulos on his Good Morning America show, Friday, along with the PBS children’s show’s executive producer, Carol-Lynn Parente who had been shocked at the negative responce the video had recieved. “Elmo loves Miss Katy,” the muppett said, using his customary third-person reference. “We had a good time. So we’ll have another play date.” The blue furred Grover was a little more sarcastic “How do you like my new outfit, huh?” he asked Stephanopoulos. “It is not too revealing, is it?”

Resident Evil: Afterlife

The Resident Evil movies have been successively worse since the original but not at a factor that mimics most franchises that get a 3rd sequel by which time more often than not Generic Movie 4 has none of the original cast and is little but a poor "homage" to the original.

We've come from the perfect masterpiece of the original *****+ rated Resident Evil to a still impressive ****1/2 2nd sequel Resident Evil: Extinction losing literally only one whole star on the way and that rarely happens in Hollywood. But what of number 4? Yes the 3rd sequel is often the "turd sequel", Batman & Robin, Superman 4, Lethal Weapon 4, Highlander 4 and many more that have been relegated to Direct to DVD oblivion and I'd probably call turd on Resident Evil: Afterlife and brand it as the most nonsensical piece of plot-hole filled garbage I've seen in the cinema this year - except this is crap filmed in James Cameron's version of 3D!

Afterlife is no Avatar, the canvas moves from white and clinical to bleak and urban and back again, but it feals as real as Avatar although I doubt that there'll be cults of people who'd desire to live in this world of Paul W.S. Anderson's creation [even if multiple Milla Jovovich's were made "available" to you]. While the entire plot is complete rubbish that makes no sense whatsoever and has more holes than the zombies, this movie must be rated for it's "proper" use of the Fusion Camera System 3D technology pioneered by James Cameron. Edged weapons, shuriken, bullets and lots of blood spatters are sent hurtling towards the screen and almost onto your lap. I almost headbutted the person next to me while instinctively avoiding the opening volley of fire as a result of my elite special forces training. This is truly one of the most marvelous visceral technical achievements known to mankind. A pity the movie was shit. The movie has made upwards of $205m on a budget of $60m ensuring that it's cliffhanger ending will mostcertainly be continued.

Final Verdict: Avatar may be the 3D testbed for stunning visuals and I'll probably own that movie once I have my own 3D setup, but Resident Evil: Afterlife will be my first 3D Blu-Ray purchase because I will want to relive the first time I saw real bullets come toward me and convince me I've been shot, yet induce no physical pain or result in yet another Purple Heart presentation. One of the wost movies of the year - fantastic fun!

Colonel Creedon Rating: ****

Space-Based Space Surveillance launches

The U.S. Air Force lit up the night sky above California Saturday, with the launch of a new satellite sentinel to keep tabs on other spacecraft and the growing problem of space junk around Earth. The Space-Based Space Surveillance [SBSS] satellite will monitor the orbital environment as part of the U.S. military's evolving Space Surveillance Network.

The satellite blasted off from Vandenberg AFB atop a Minotaur 4 rocket at 21:41 PT. Air Force officials said the rocket reached its intended orbit and deployed the SBSS spacecraft as planned.

"This satellite is going to revolutionize the way we track objects in space by not being constrained by weather, the atmosphere or the time of day," said Col. J.R. Jordan, vice-commander of the Space Superiority Systems Wing at the U.S. Air Force Space and Missile Systems Center, in a prelaunch briefing. "This capability will be essential to our space situational awareness architecture for the near future and beyond." The satellite is essential to keep U.S. space assets safer and more secure, as well as "keeping America at the forefront of space," Jordan added.

The overall cost of the SBSS program is about $858 million, USAF officials have said. There are about 500,000 known pieces of space junk orbiting around our planet. Of those, about 21,000 objects are larger than 4 inches (10.1 cm) in diameter, and are being tracked by the Department of Defense, as part of the Space Surveillance Network. These are items like spent rocket stages and broken satellites.

The SBSS satellite was originally scheduled to launch in Oct. 2009 but was delayed due to technical concerns with its rocket launch vehicle, at least officially. Unofficially it is suspected that UNETIDA delayed the launch in order to add something to the payload. Lt. Colonel “Stargazer” Smith, Deputy Orbital Operations Commander, UNETIDA responded "No comment" to the rumour.

Source: MSNBC

Monday, September 27, 2010

Brian Cowan hits the big time on Jay Leno

Lets make a deal Jay, people here don't call the US leader an inept coon so you don't call the Irish one a drunken moron. Clear? Unfunny big-jawed talentless treacherous little rat!

What's new on TV? Part 1

This past week saw a number of brand new offerings in the world of Television in the U.S. As usual it's a mixed bag of excellent drama and groan worthy crap but all worth a look for yourselves to see what's there for you. Sunday and Monday in particular fielded new show offerings...

Boardwalk Empire [HBO, Sundays @ 9]

Boardwalk Empire was created by Terence The Sopranos Winter and based on the novel Boardwalk Empire: The Birth, High Times and Corruption of Atlantic City by Nelson Johnson. The series begins at the dawn of Prohibition in January, 1920, Enoch "Nucky" Thompson [Steve Buscemi] hatches a scheme to make himself and his associates very rich by bootlegging liquor. Nucky is approached by beautiful and pregnant Margaret Schroeder [Kelly Macdonald], who wants his help finding her husband a job. Jimmy Darmody [Michael Pitt], Nucky's former protégé, returns from fighting in World War I with ambitious ideas about his future and he forges an unlikely allegiance that could have serious consequences for both him and Nucky. The pilot was directed by Martin Scorsese who is an Executive Producer with Winter and Mark Wahlberg.

The Colonel says: Some people think I wouldn't know drama if it came up and punched me in the face. Maybe that's true but HBO's Boardwalk Empire walked up behind me and blew my brains out all over the screen. Oh no, wait, that just happened to one of the characters. I may be safe, but they're not. Interestingly, this show was the highest rated HBO launch since Deadwood six years ago.

Colonel Creedon Rating *****

Hawaii Five-0 [CBS, Monday 10/9c][Bravo UK in October]

A procedural crime drama and a re-imagining of the original 1968–1980 TV series. Like the original version, this one follows an elite task force set up to fight crime in the state of Hawaii. Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci decided to reboot the original concept similar to their work on the 2009 Star Trek film, rather than a sequel to the original series. When Lieutenant Commander Steve McGarrett [Alex O'Loughlin] a Navy S.E.A.L. returns to Hawaii for his father's funeral, the Governor asks him to head a special task force to investigate his father's death because she wants someone outside of the Honolulu PD due to rumors of corruption within the dept. Reluctantly McGarrett agrees; he chooses the HPD detective assigned to investigate his father's murder, newcomer Danny Williams [Scott Caan]. He also recruits Chin Ho Kelly [Daniel Dae Kim], who has recently been ousted from the department but someone his father trusted. To fill out his team, Chin Ho recruits his cousin, Kono Kalakaua [Grace Park], who is still in training and they tackle their first case head on.

The Colonel says: I have only vague memories of Jack Lord and the original series but I've always had the ability to hum the theme tune perfectly as with many others from that time. I think anyone that took issue with Bob and Al's work on Star Trek will probably have the same type of issue with this series: It's the same - but different. There was enough action and gunplay here to keep me interested enough for a 2nd episode, nothing to do with Grace Park wearing next to nothing throughout the episode, no, nothing to do with that at all.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ****

The Event [NBC, Monday ][Channel 4 UK in October]

Created by Nick Wauters and produced by Steve Stark, The Event follows Sean Walker [Jason Ritter], a man who, while investigating the mysterious disappearance of his girlfriend, Leila, [Sarah Roemer] begins to discover the biggest cover-up in U.S. history. In the pilot episode, told primarily in flashbacks, Walker and his girlfriend were on a cruise where he planned to propose to her. Before he could get the chance, Walker returned from a snorkeling trip to find her not only missing, but with no evidence he or she had ever boarded the ship. In another flashback Leila's mother was apparently murdered by intruders, and her sister was kidnapped. Walker attempts to hijack a plane, which Leila's father is flying, apparently to prevent him from using it to assassinate President Elias Martinez [Blair Underwood]. The creators have assured audiences that unlike other such mystery shows, there will be less frustrating timeframes between questions and answers.

The Colonel says: It looks like NBC have this year's "mystery show" to fill the void left by the end of LOST and FlashForward on ABC. I consider NBC to be the "death" network now more so than FOX or ABC so it's going to take a lot to keep this on the air. I did have the patience for FlashForward but I doubt I'd have had the same patience for LOST. The pilot to The Event was intriguing and has the potential to be great, but only time will tell if it's worth it.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ***1/2

Two shows I avoided from Monday were NBC's Chase and FOX's Lone Star.

Chase was created by Jennifer Johnson and stars Kelli Giddish and Cole Hauser as a U.S. Marshals fugitive-apprehension team, based out of Houston, Texas. Jerry Bruckheimer and Johnson are executive producers. I avoided this as 1) It was created by a woman, who has created nothing I've seen before. 2) Kelli Giddish isn't attractive enough as a lead character, 3) 90% of Bruckheimer's TV shows are too "bog-standard" for my liking and 4) The series is apparently so "bland" and "harmless" that it has already been picked up by the UK's Living channel. My Mom watches that religiously and she's in her 70's. Case closed.

Lone Star stars James Wolk as Robert Allen, a Texan con-man, who leads a secret double life. As "Bob," he is married to Cat and living in Houston [hell I've really avoided George Bush's state on TV] while working for his oil-tycoon father-in-law. Four hundred miles away in Midland, he is "Robert" in a second life with girlfriend Lindsey. As he schemes to take control of the oil business and finds himself torn between the love of two women, he must fight to keep his web of lies from falling apart. From the ratings I suspect this show will crash, burn and be shitcanned by FOX before the end of October.

More in Part 2

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Colbert in Congress

Comedy Central legend Steven Colbert testified before Congress yesterday to the House Judiciary Subcommittee on Capitol Hill in Washington DC. He was invited to appear before the committee following a one-day stint working on a farm as part of the United Farm Workers' "Take Our Jobs" campaign, which aims to highlight the contribution made by immigrant farm workers.

Colbert of course remained true to the conservative blow-hard persona featured on The Colbert Report. "This is America! I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian," he said.

His antics prompted mixed reactions from those present, with several legislators saying that it had been a mistake to invite Colbert. "I'm asking you to leave the committee room completely and submit your statement instead," said a clearly-irritated John Conyers, a Democratic representative, although he later withdrew his request. Zoe Lofgren, Chairperson of the hearing said that Colbert's appearance would "bring attention to a critically important issue for the good of the nation".

While Colbert did retain his comedic persona throughout most of his appearance, he broke character when asked by a representative why he had chosen to address the issue of migrant workers. "I like talking about people who don't have any power. And it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are migrant workers who come and do our work, but don't have any rights as a result," he said. "And yet we still invite them to come here and at the same time ask them to leave. And that's an interesting contradiction to me... Migrant workers suffer, and have no rights."

Colbert also took a sardonic side-swipe at those who accused him of trivialising Congress's role and the immigration issue. "I trust that, following my testimony, both sides will work together in the best interests of the American people, as you always do," he remarked dryly.

Source: The Spy Report / Daily Beast

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Future of Spartacus in doubt

Spartacus: Blood and Sand was one of those rare shows that improved with every episode. Scenes of graphic sex and violence, the like never seen on TV had audiences hooked right up until the closing credits of it's finale. Then people just wanted more.

A second season of Spartacus was greenlit very early on in the transmission of the first season due to exceptional ratings, but sadly it was thrown into jeopardy due to the fact that main star Andy Whitfield was diagnosed with cancer and would need to undergo immediate treatment and thus delayed the scheduling of a second season.

In order to keep audiences bloodlust sated, producers Starz commissioned a 6-part prequel miniseries that would centre on a previously unknown gladiator seeking to become the "Champion of Capua". As it's a prequel, John Hannah and Lucy Lawless could return from the dead with both Peter Mensah [Doctore] and Manu Bennett [Crixus] also appearing. Whitfield will make a cameo appearance as Spartacus as during the summer he was given a clean bill of health.

The miniseries Spartacus: Gods of the Arena will be transmitted in January 2011 and was intended to bridge a gap between Blood and Sand's seasons for audiences until Whitfield could return to film a second season which was to begin filming now. Sadly Whitfield has had a relapse which will require aggressive therapy and thus he will not be able to continue with the series at all.

This statement was released by Starz:

Hopefully they will be able to continue in some form - Crixus: Blood and Sand anyone?

Source: Barry / Vaughan / The Examiner / Deadline Hollywood

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Nigerian "Industry" still going strong!

One of my more memorable posts from way back when in October '05 when the first coat of polish had barley worn off this new "blog thingy" was a rebuttal letter to Princess Fatimah of Burkina Faso who would apparently "like any person who can be carring, loving and home oriented. I will love to have a long-term relationship with you" in return for a handsome reward of course. Sound to good to be true? Well of course it was. It was a thinly veiled 419 Fraud as Sith Apologist educated us on in the original post's comments.

Well they havn't gone away and this is still a big industry in Nigeria but also operated all over the world. I heard of one where the scammer created a little U.S. military identity for himself, claims his unit found some of Saddam's bullion and wants your help on getting it out of the country, if you'll take it on the other end, or variations thereof. Now this pissed me right off to no end. First it portrays my brethren in Iraq as money grabbing thieves and secondly, rips off Three Kings, an astoundingly shit movie that portrays my brethren in Iraq as money grabbing thieves. Thankfully I didn't actually get one, that is until I was emptying out my spam box and found this:

Sender: Sgt David
Sub: From: Sgt.David King.

Good day and compliments, I know this letter will definitely come to you as a
huge surprise, but I implore you to take the time to go through it carefully as the decision you make will go off a long way to determine my future and continued existence.

Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Sgt.David King, a US Marine Sgt.
serving in the 3rd Battalion, 25th Marine Regiment that Patrols the An bar province, Iraq. I am desperately in need of assistance and I have summoned up courage to contact you. I am presently in Iraq and I found your contact particulars in an address journal.

I am seeking your assistance to evacuate the sum of Nine Hundred Thousand US
Dollars (Nine Hundred thousand USD) to the States or any safe country; as far as I can be assured that it will be safe in
your care until I complete my service here. This is no stolen money and there are no dangers involved.


Some money in various currencies was discovered and concealed in barrels with
piles of weapons and ammunition at a location near one of Saddam Hussein's old
Presidential Palaces during a rescue operation and it was agreed by all party present that the money be shared amongst us.

Click this link

This might appear as an illegal thing to do but I tell you what?

No compensation can make up for the risks we have taken with our lives in this
hellhole. The above figure was given to me as my share and to conceal this kind of money became a problem for me, so with the help of a British contact working with the UN here (his office enjoys some immunity)

I was able to get the package out to a safe location entirely out of trouble
spot. He
does not know the real contents of the package as he believes that it belongs to an American who died in an air raid, who before giving up trusted me to hand over the package to his close relative. I have now found a secured way of getting the package out of Iraq for you to pick

up. I do not know for how long I will remain here, as I have been lucky to
survive 2 suicide bomb attacks by Pure Divine intervention.

This and other reasons put into consideration have prompted me to reach out for
help. If it might be of interest to you then Endeavor to contact me and we would work out the necessary

formalities but I pray that you are discreet about this mutually benefiting

Sgt.David King,
United States Marine Corps. IRAQ.

Naturally, I won't be responding to Sgt. King, but I will include what I would be sending to him here.

From: Colonel "Whopper" Creedon USMC, Special Operations Commander, UNETIDA
Sub: RE: From: Sgt.David King.

Sgt. King,

I am in receipt of your correspondence dated Wednesday 15th last. I enjoy receiving E-mail from the NCOs of our beloved Corps.

I'm a bit disturbed that you're telling me you needed to summon up the courage to send me an E-mail? Hellshit! I may be both a legend and a tyrant and at a guess you dream of me at night when the darkness and nightmares come, but didn't your D.I.s tell you that Marines shit and piss courage on a daily basis they got so much inside? If they ain't teaching that anymore then I'll have to have a word with General Fox at TECOM and I'm sure he'll see to it that it's no longer neglected.

I see you're in the 3/25, what an awesome bunch. I've always liked their motto: "Find a way or make one". I'll admit I'm a bit confused as you your statements about being currently in Iraq. This confusion stems from the fact that I know your unit rotated out of Iraq almost 5 years ago and was later deactivated in early 2006 as it's a reserve infantry battalion. Furthermore, you say you were present at the inception point of an agreement made by you and some others to share out a sum of money you found. But your own link to the article says the money was found in April 2003; a whole two years before 3/25 actually arrived in Iraq in March 2005? No, I must assume that the suicide bomb attacks you mentioned you survived may have left you somewhat disoriented and you've misinterpreted the name of your own unit.

You've said: "No compensation can make up for the risks we have taken with our lives in this hellhole." Oh your Goddamn right about that son, but isn't that why we wear the uniform? For the glorious riches? Get a grip Sergeant! No one makes money from being a Marine and your compensation from being in that "hellhole" is the knowledge that people are safe at home and those hadji's are free of Saddam because of your blood, your sweat and your tears have washed over that land like a wave of avenging angels cleansing all that was unholy and just plain fucked up. Now you can die with a smile on your face tomorrow knowing that your bodily excretions literally are freedom!

In light of you confusing the name of the unit you've no doubt served proudly in for months on end and confusing our beloved Corps with a great way to make money, I must ask you to report to your Corpsman for a medical checkup as you're most likely suffering from a concussion. Further proof of this concussion is evidenced by the fact that you've for some reason, perhaps even unknowingly E-mailed an O-6 and did attempt [Art.80] to commit conspiracy [Art.81] to violate Art.103 [Captured or Abandoned Property] and/or Art.121 [Larceny and Wrongful Appropriation] of the UCMJ and would be subject to both NCIS interrogation and a JAG Article 32 investigation.

So you better hope you've got one motherfucker of a headache son.

Semper Fi

Col. "Whopper" Creedon

Folks, it doesn't take someone as clever and wise as me to see through these ridiculous scams, you're capable of it yourselves too. Be warned, these people are out there and they want your bank details. Here is a page with some variations of the U.S. Military Serviceman theme.

Remember: Education Beats Ignorance.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Chef Vader

Source: SyFy - Blastr

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Television Returns

Some beloved TV shows are teturning to U.S. screens in the next few weeks.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network) returns Sept. 17th. NBC's Chuck returns next Monday 20th. NCIS and spin-off NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS) are set for next Tuesday Sept. 21st. Next Thursday, September 23rd is the return date for Fox's Fringe as well as NBC's comedies The Office and 30 Rock.

Smallville returns to the CW network in it's traditional Friday slot for it's final 10th season on Sept. 24th and the weekend hosts the 36th season of Saturday Night Live on NBC on Sept. 25th and Family Guy on Sunday Sept. 26th with American Dad's season premiere to be screened the following week on Oct. 3 both on Fox.

Stargate Universe makes a return on an extreamly bizzare Tuesday on Syfy on Sept. 28th and the following week on October 5th it will be joined by Caprica - I don't know what's going on there. Are they afraid of Smallville or perhaps Fox's Human Target returning to Friday from Oct. 1st?
Holler if I've missed something that I should be watching out for, but I'll cover new shows soon.

Monday, September 13, 2010

A Salted Pilgrim?

Much play catch-up with my movie reviews. This double bill should bring them almost up to date now...


Every so often a spy thriller will come along that will expand the boundaries of storytelling and present a tale with such twists and turns that you are completely swept along not knowing what to expect. Sadly, Salt is not one of those movies, it’s nonsensical rubbish. It’s almost impossible to describe just how seriously stupid and insane the plot is and unlike basic action movies, a thriller must have a plot. There are elements so insane here, you’re more likely to believe the plot of Eagle Eye, hardly the pinnacle of creative writing. Those of you who have seen it may not be surprised that Salt was penned by Kurt Wimmer, known for directing two under-rated but enjoyably silly sci-fi action movies Ultraviolet and Equilibrium. I enjoyed Wimmer's last foray into the whole CIA spy genre with The Recruit, but it appears he lost his spy-mojo along the way and there's no evidence of the carefully paced plot he wrote for Law Abiding Citizen last year.

I’m giving this move a rating based on some interesting stunts, the scene where Salt [Angelina Jolie] gets medieval on the Russkies and the fact it has Angelina Jolie, whom I believe was a far greater choice than Tom Cruise. I honestly don’t know, what moron was pushing Tom Cruise for this, but I’m certainly glad whomever decided against him had the idea of Jolie. Don’t get me wrong, Cruise is good in Minority Report, The Last Samurai and the Mission: Impossible franchise but Salt was such a turd he’d not have “distracted” me from the stench whereas Jolie is perfectly “equipped” to provide that distraction. Alas, unlike her previous nonsense that I love Wanted, the Tomb Raiders and Mr. & Mrs. Smith, she was enough to drag this movie from ‘shit’ to ‘meh’ but not enough to ‘good’. Director Phillip Noyce, responsible for two gems in my DVD collection Patriot Games and Clear and Present Danger adapted from Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan franchise has clearly lost touch with "excitment" and should stick to "Oscar chasing" movies like The Quiet American in his later years.

One final word to the criminally underrated Liev Schreiber “FIRE YOUR FUCKING AGENT MAN!”, that is all.

Colonel Creedon Rating: **1/2

Scott Pilgrim vs The World

Scott Pilgrim vs The World was for the most part, a heap of grossly misjudged trash. It’s target audience was clearly a demographic far younger than myself or perhaps even more immature. It seemed to be created by a twenty-something whose only film experience was making the latest CGI neon-flashy MTV video by day and played far too many stupid Beat ‘Em Up videogames on his XPlayBoxWiiStation thingy at night – but it wasn’t - this was Edgar Wright’s baby, yes the man who brought you Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz - the man is my age. If anything this is an essay on how important Simon Pegg is to Wright’s success – integral!

The majority of the characters in this movie were reprehensible, selfish and/or just plain dumb. Even worse than your typical modern-day apathetic Emo teen mopers. There was so very much not to like about them so it was difficult to empathise with their serious self created “issues” and baggage they all insisted they carried. The protagonist, Scott Pilgrim was portrayed by Michael Superbad Cera who has quite literally played that same type of character in everything else he’s been in. If he keeps accepting roles that lock him into this personality he’ll be Hollywood’s sad 40-year-old Emo tween moping nerd before too long. Scott’s object or desire, Ramona [Mary Elizabeth Die Hard 4.0 Winstead] was given such an awful look that she came across as a reformed drug-abuser and failed Goth rolled into one. The fact that Scott chose her with her ultimately annoying hair and mind-changing fickle attitude when he previously rejected Kim, the far cuter freckled redheaded drummer only goes to prove what a loser this guy was.

It wasn’t all bad to be fair. Chris The Losers Evans was brilliant on screen playing an egotistical, self absorbed action-movie star. His performance was flawless and brought a much needed break from the “depressing humour” of the rest of the movie. In top form too was Brandon Superman Returns/Chuck Routh portraying a rock drummer, convinced he was superior to all due to his ultimate commitment to veganism. But out of all the cameos and personalities on display it was has-been Macaulay Culkin’s far more talented younger brother Kieran who easily stole the show as Scott’s homosexual room-mate Wallace who seemed to be the only character who wanted to change or improve his pathetic life and therefore the only one deserving of any respect. Lucas! How bad is a movie where I think the gay comedy relief is the best thing!!!

Edgar Wright, this isn't your bag, it's Kevin Smith's. Kudos for tyring something without Pegg, in a universe that you had no hand in creating but this is Epic Fail dude. But not to worry, the source material is only 6 years old and not too many people give a shit about something that new. Heh, it's not as if you're adapting a 50 year-old character created by legendary comic book creators - - Eh? what's that? Something coming in over the Internet - Edgar Wright to adapt Jack Kirby and Stan Lee's Ant Man, one of Marvel Comics' Avengers, for a movie to be released on the 50th anniversary of the character? - Aw shiiiiiiiiiit!!!!!

Final Verdict: Some very flashy special effects prevented me from falling asleep and it has it moments, some of them were genuinely funny, but not enough of them to be too impressed. More often then not I felt exactly like doing what Kim the drummer did on several occasions - put a gun to my temple and blow my head off.

Colonel Creedon Verdict: *1/2

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Whopper's Bunker - Fifth Anniversary

On September 9th in the year 1000. The King of Norway had his fleet sunk by Svein Forkbeard, Olaf Eiriksson, and Eirik Hakonarson. 11 ships vs. 70. Olaf threw himself into the sea rather than being captured (and then killed). As a result, Norway then became a fief of Denmark and Sweden.

Just as dramatically, 1005 years later, on Friday, September 9th 2005, I created and posted for the first time on this blog. Yes indeed, five years has gone by. My first post was a very simple affair, no pomp, ceremony, dancing girls, cannons or fireworks - just this post really. It was suggested by Mark after he observed my "show notes" for one of the early episodes of 2IGTV. There was enough material to record a 4 1/2 hour show each week but it had to be cut down for the sake of sanity [both Mark's and the listeners] and so I transferred some of those "extra thoughts" here.

First entitled "The Colonel's Eagle" after the insignia of a full-bird colonel, the name of the blog was changed in November 2006 to "Whoppers Bunker" following my temporary demotion and it stuck. It took a good while for me to get my sea-legs when I deployed with the 22nd MAU in '82 and gathering my blogging legs was not much different but took a lot longer. Looking back on some of those early postings would almost be enough to embarrass me, but I've allowed them to remain there as a reminder of how far I've come as a master blogging artist.

I did seem to have a lot more free time back then as opposed to now - well there are more alien threats now than before - and I used to blog about literally anything that came to my attention - well anything non-classified... ...more or less - including the latest news in entertainment as well as military technology and appointments. Admittedly some of my more cringeworthy early posts centered on my love for Ollie North and Tom Sizemore as well as my deep hatred for Micheal Jackson and Paris Hilton.

I broke dozens of hot news stories about upcoming movies, TV and video games but I didn't actually review any movies until December 2005. This was due to the fact that I did most of my movie reviewing on 2IGTV which ran concurrently at the time. Once that show ran it's course my reviews soon became the last word in most peoples decision making process on whether they see a movie or not, or perhaps wait for the DVD.

Did you know that my reviews are actually more authentic than Empire magazine's? Apparently the reviewer does not actually assign a movie it's stars, it's done by staffers! What a fraud!

Some people have asked what I think my best blog posting was and I honestly can't answer. There are some that are very quick affairs but others that take much as they require more research and so they may spend days in draft before being good enough to publish. My favourite posts however are those where a "circle is complete". Completing a circle is one of the tenants of my religion; There is to anything - 1. inception, 2. creation and 3. the final experience, so I think that any blog posts or series of blog postings that complete the circle are most important to me. Writing about them designing and constructing The National Museum of the Marine Corps in April 2003 and then actually visiting the completed complex in Quantico, Virginia 3 years later stands out as probably the prime example but it also includes breaking the news about what I hoped will be a fantastic movie like Iron Man and being able to see my hopes fulfilled and write a review of it 2 1/2 years later.

As great as I am and as much as I love the "sound of me", I'll admit I probably wouldn't have bothered keeping this up for 5 years if it wasn't for the love and support that you, both apathetic casual readers and devoted fanatical fans have shown me since day one. Chief among you:
Mark who said "Make your own Blog!"
Vaughan who calls me several times a month to tell me some famous person is dead and only an obituary written by me will grant them eternal peace.
Sith Master [formerly Sith Apologist] who teaches me to beware of corners, especially dark corners.
Civilian Overseer for whom I'm reminded not to leave a gaping hole in the plot for.
Constance whom has spent hundreds of hours correcting spelling and creating extraordinary examples of sexual innuendo for her commentary.
Former Grunt for being my yes-man.
Bruce Russell the funniest lawyer on the planet.
Cubaboy for being a reprehensible sick fucking foulmouth bastard.
and lastly
Master Guns for being a true nemesis, worthy of a hero of my stature.
Special thanks also to:
The Whitehouse, Declan, Pint Of, Dahar Master, PF, Douglas Castle, Harmon Rabb Jr., Aaron, Darth Harrington, Alro, Barry and what must be hundreds more that unfortunately I can't possibly list here, but thanks to each and everyone that has posted comments or contributed information over the years.

Additionally, I decided that after 5 years it was time for a major redesign to make things a bit more professional looking. I enlisted the services of VerTecX21 who recreated the blog as you see it before you. There are still a few extra bits to be tacked on but they should appear soon enough, so bear with me.

The Bunker will continue.

Monday, September 06, 2010

Smoke'em if you got 'em, Duke Nukem Forever lives!!!

At the Penny Arcade Expo at the Washington State Convention Center, Seattle, WA, U.S.A. on September 3, 2010, Gearbox Software CEO Randy Pitchford revealed a demo of


I shit you not people. Pitchford, who had worked on DNF before he left to found Gearbox in 1999, felt that "Duke can't die", and began work on the game in 2009 in conjunction with newly created outfit Triptych Games.

Apparently when 3DRealms ceased production in DNF due to funding and the now-legendaty legal wrangling with publishers Take Two Interactive, Gearbox Software and Triptych Games continued the game for them through all of 2009 and into 2010. According to George Broussard, 3DRealms head honcho: "Triptych is made up of 9 3DR employees who refused to let the game go and we found a way through the legal maze to keep them working on the game and to keep the game alive. They have been the development force for the last year that's made the game possible. What you see coming from PAX right now is what we originally made at 3DR with polish and additional work by Triptych and assistance from Gearbox."

According to a press release available at, Duke Nukem Forever is currently in development for Xbox 360, PlayStation 3 and Windows PC. New publisher 2K Games has the exclusive, long-term publishing rights to the game. has a hands on description of the demo which reveals that Duke will be able to drive vehicles an hopefully do other things just like most FPS characters can do nowadays but fears that the game may have been toned down were abated when it was revealed that Duke still urinates and even obtains a blowjob from two young ladies dressed as schoolgirls. Shacknews picks the demo apart with complaints about the engine looking dated and only 3 or 4 enemies are fighting Duke at once but John St. John, the legendary voice of Duke, still sounds great.

Remember, there is no demo, movie or oficially released screenshot yet. Screenshots here are from peoples mobile phones.

More news at:

My friends, Pigs have flown.

Sources: Civilian Overseer / Wired / Shacknews / Gearbox / Tryptych

Friday, September 03, 2010

The Death of PC Zone

It is Christmas in 1996. My first PC, a Pentium 133 16Mb RAM with 1.2GB HD was barely 90 days old and I had fervently played Duke Nukem 3D, Warcraft 2, Diablo, Quake and my favourites - X-Wing and Tie-Fighter since the day Mark set it up for me.

In a newsagent, I my eyes were drawn to some flashy words emblazoned across the cover of a PC gaming magazine called PC Zone...

X-Wing Vs. Tie Fighter!

"My God! An X-Wing and Tie-Fighter game in one!" I thought. I had to have it. PC Zone issue 47 cost me £6.56*, which was astoundingly expensive but it had a CD-ROM disc, which were cool because I knew only 3 other people beyond myself with CD-ROMs.

The CD-ROM aside, the main purpose to get this was for the X-Wing game info. Gleefully I brought the magazine home to see what wondrous preview would be spread throughout the pages. I quickly flicked through the pages watching out for huge Star Wars spacecraft pictures, or the telltale signature of the green Death Star laser or something equally Star Warsesque. But I didn't find any. "What the hell? Hang on a sec.." so I began to look through a second time, being far more careful now then the reckless abandon I excitedly employed previously. The fruits of my more observant labour paid off and I discovered in the middle of page 26, with one paragraph and 4 tiny thumbnail screenshots [literally thumbnail, that's my thumb covering one in the picture!] was the "exclusive first look".

What a fucking ripoff. I'd have been extremely miffed at being cheated if only for the fact that -The CD-ROM was awesome, it had a demo for the Terminator: Skynet game and loads of other stuff and the magazine itself was brilliant.

One thing stood out within it's pages - a preview of 3D accelerated gaming co-written by Charlie Brooker [yes the Charlie Brooker] which included the first look a new little game called Resident Evil - it's conceivable that Brooker's "love-affair" with zombies began here and led him to create Dead Cert for Channel 4.

I won't say I purchased every issue since then but I have enough issues from the past 14 years to fill a few boxes and I witnessed PC Zone go from a PC gaming comedy magazine written by people with more comedy genius than practical games experience to a magazine written by some quite hilarious characters with a bit more genuine games knowledge. The comedy was always part of the magazine's charm, but sometimes it was it's downfall and created some controversy when Brooker created a comic strip which invited you to go to a zoo to kill animals like Lara Croft, featuring a young boy beating a monkey round the head with a claw hammer. Another faux pas had a picture of a nun stroking a gaming joystick, testing it for "phallusicity".

The magazine kind of grew up with it's readers. The old writers like Brooker and David McCandless left for the "real world" and they were replaced by writers with less adolescent toilet-humour and a bit of a more adult satirical approach. In 2004 the magazine was shockingly sold to Future Publishing, the outfit which also published PC Gamer a rival publication with twice the 'Zone readership. Future imposed stricter budgetary controls, brought in new staff and redesigned the magazine. I think from that point on the writing was on the wall but it was extraordinary that it lasted another 6 years.

In a statement in July, Future Publishing said they were consulting with the four staff members on PC Zone."The team have done a great job in producing a quality magazine over the years, so it's been a difficult decision to make this proposal," the statement read."However, our strategy is to focus on the market leader, PC Gamer, in the PC gaming category."

It's an extraordinary pity because with a decline in the amount of releases of PC games per month and therefore less reviews of games, PC games journalists have begun to do some proper journalism. They speak to more developers about ideas and upcoming games, they invite philosophical debate on the merits of one FPS weapon over another or how much you really want the AI to grow. There was also serious reporting on the latest efforts of games publishers like Activision who screwed over the developer Infinity Ward which imploded and took the future success of Modern Warfare 3 with them in a titanic legal battle. There is discussions on the invasive and disturbing trend Ubisoft have created with their new Digital Rights Management which is preventing me from purchasing and playing Splinter Cell: Conviction. These articles are why people are buying PC magazines now, but sadly a magazine that looks inside and makes you think about games rather than just suggest if you play them or not was obviously not what people wanted in PC Zone as they turned away in droves to seek review scores and download demos from the Internet for free instead. Sad, but understandable in the current climate.

I've just purchased Issue 244, the final issue. It will be an emotional read. I'll read it while on the bog. The final word goes to Brooker...

"PC Zone was a cross between Viz and Which? magazine. It never took anything too seriously, least of all itself. It was also where I learned to write, so if you hate my flippant, manic-depressive 'style', blame PC Zone.

More on this story from The Guardian, BBC News and New Statesmen

Using the historical exchange rate for December 1996 - £6.56 Irish Pounds was £6.61GBP / $10.92USD / €8.64EUR