Paltrow is Pepper Potts

Jon Favreau has cast none other than Gwyneth Paltrow as Virginia "Pepper" Potts, Tony Stark's executive assistant in Iron Man. Paltrow's only previous foray into this genre was the abysmal Sky Captain and the World Of Tomorrow in which she was tragically cast as Polly Perkins (I'm undoubatly the only one tittering at the fact she's going from Polly Perkins to Pepper Potts).

I was happier with Rachel McAdams whom the original rumour for her appearence broke on 2IGTV and I can't say I'm overly thrilled by the idea of Paltrow but I hope it's just because the mental scarring of Sky Captain hasn't fully healed yet and I'm associating her with that. Still however, she's on equal footing with Robert Downey Jr. and Terrence Howard as she's also been nominated for an Oscar at some point.

Corporal Jason Dunham, Medal Of Honour

On April 14, 2004, in Iraq near the Syrian border, Corporal Jason Dunham from 3rd Battalion, 7th Marines, used his helmet and his body to smother an exploding Mills Bomb let loose by a raging insurgent whom he and two other Marines tried to subdue. The explosion dazed and wounded Lance Cpl. William Hampton and Pfc. Kelly Miller. The insurgent stood up after the blast and was immediately killed by Marine small-arms fire.

Dunham lay face down with a shard the size of a dress-shirt button lodged in his head. The hard, molded mesh that was his Kevlar helmet was now scattered yards around into clods and shredded fabric. Dunham never regained consciousness and died eight days later at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland, with his mother and father at his bedside.

Dunham’s commanding officers, investigated his actions and nominated him for the Medal of Honor. After two years and seven months making its way to the White House, the nomination had the necessary approval from the president who presented posthumous award of the United States highest military decoration, to Marine Cpl. Jason Dunham of Scio, N.Y. His parents accepted it in a ceremony in the ornate East Room of the White House.

“The public now knows what Jason did,” said his folks. “We still have a loss, but the gift that Jason gave helps us go on.

President Bush said “We remember that the Marine who so freely gave his life was your beloved son. We ask a loving God to comfort you for a loss that can never be replaced, As long as we have Marines like Cpl. Dunham, America will never fear for her liberty.”

Before Dunham, the last Marine actions to earn the medal happened May 8, 1970, in Vietnam, according to Marine Corps History Division records. A Medal of Honor citation details Lance Cpl. Miguel Keith’s machine-gun charge that inspired a platoon facing nearly overwhelming odds: Wounded, Keith ran into “fire-swept terrain.” Wounded again by a grenade, he still attacked, taking out enemies in the forward rush. Keith fought until mortally wounded; his platoon came out on top despite being heavily outnumbered.

The last Marine to receive the Medal of Honor was Maj. Gen. James L. Day, who distinguished himself as a corporal in the Battle of Okinawa in 1945. On Jan. 20, 1998, more than half a century later, President Bill Clinton presented the medal to Day, who passed away that year.

(Left: The US Navy & Marine Corps version of the Medal Of Honor)

Since the Long War began, the president has presented one Medal of Honor. On April 4, 2003, during Operation Iraqi Freedom, Army Sgt. 1st Class Paul R. Smith posthumously earned the medal for organizing a defense that held off a company-sized attack on more than 100 vulnerable coalition soldiers. In the defense, Smith manned a .50 caliber machine gun in an exposed position until he was mortally wounded.

These recent awards have fueled arguments from veterans affairs groups to the effect that with the changing face of war today in comparison to WWII, Korea or Vietnam; the award criteria for medals for valour should be ammended to reflect this change. With more than 3000 dead and thousands more wounded life is still as sacred as it was in previous conflicts and there are now different acts of heroism being performed today that are not recognised. This has apparently sparked discussion by the top-brass in Washington who will be reviewing criteria before 2009.

2IGTV Episode 33

Angelina Jolie for Tomb Raider III? Ryan Reynolds is The Flash (DC Comics hero) but who will be the new Flash Gordon? Spielberg gives in to Lucas and Ford hops on for Indy 4.
Are you wierd enough to be rolling in money after Christmas? We have the goods on the Apple iPhone and Apple TV. We inform you that the lines have been drawn in the Blu-Ray vs HD-DVD war: winner to be decided soon.
Finally, an in depth discussion on the future of Battlestar Galactica.

Get it all here.

The Whopper Awards 2006 - Part 10 - The Finale

In this last instalment of The Whopper Awards I award "special" Whoppers for productions that should be noted on other merits.

The Most Pants-Wetting Motion Picture Of 2006 was:
Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby
To be honest the comedy offerings this year were abysmal and only a few brought joy. Will Ferell excels at being funny and while this film did not come close to making me as physically sick as Anchorman it was still the best of the year. "Shake & Bake"!

Most Glorified Use Of Automatic Weaponry Of 2006:
Ultraviolet
Lots of good automatic weapons fire this year, M:I-III, Underworld Evolution and Miami Vice are good candidates but Ultraviolet expends several hundred thousand rounds of ammunition. I mean, there's a chase sequence with two constantly firing helicopter gunships- nothing else came close.

Most Delightful Use Of Edged Weaponry Of 2006:
BloodRayne
Dismemberment galore. A sea of red.

Best Martial Arts In A Motion Picture Of 2006:
Huo Yuan Jia (Fearless)
Jet Li is still fast. (I thought he was giving up martial arts movies?)

Best Pyrotechnics For 2006:
X-Men: The Last Stand
One thing that can be said for Brett Ratner: Great explosions.

The Best Gore in a Motion Picture In 2006 was in:
Hostel
Even I thought the amount here was unnecessary. I thought Saw was bad.

And now, the ones you've really been waiting for: The Worst of the year.

Special Whopper for Most Nonsensical Use Of "Movie" Technology In 2006:
The scanner hooked up to an iPod in Firewall
I mean Jesus Christ- this can't be done like this trust me.

The Worst Performance of 2006
Kate Bosworth (Superman Returns)
I never thought I'd actually want to see Margot Kidder so badly on screen instead.

The Worst Movie Title of 2006
I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
Yep, it exists and no, I didn't see it, nor do I have any intension to.

And finally, drum roll please:
Even in a year where we had such reprehensible crap as D.O.A., V for Vendetta and Aeon Flux (all movies that have some measure of redemption, and so I may see again) the final Whopper was no contest.

The Biggest Steaming Pile Of Shit of 2006:
was Nacho Libre
Now The Black Dahlia and All The King's Men are exceptionally awful, poorly made and even worse acted considering their calibre of talent on the projects but they still rated one star because, well you can't give less than one star right? Wrong. Jack Black and Jared Hess failed miserably to entertain with Nacho Libre and I declare that unlike the other movies among the worst here, it has no redeeming qualities whatsoever- I even fell asleep watching it. It is truly the most God-awful turgid excrement of the year (And yes I even tried fantasising about the nun, 'cos nuns usually do it for me, but that didn't work either, the film is that off-putting).

Next Whoppers- January 2008!

The Whopper Awards 2006 - Part 9

Today we honour the finished work of those professionals who work in a studio's advertising department to produce fantastic trailers for films, tv shows and games which goad you into choosing their production over anything else. The first category is for full trailers (some of which may have been produced in the preceeding year) for productions released in 2006. The second category is for the shorter teaser trailers (which are released before the main trailers) for productions to be released in 2007.

he Nominees For Best Trailer representing a 2006 release:
Superman Returns
Mission Impossible III
Miami Vice
Casino Royale

The fantastic trailer for Superman Returns was successful in that it fooled us all and brought so many unwitting lambs to the slaughter- me included, sob! The winner however goes to the best produced trailer which most represented the production it was advertising, the full trailer for Miami Vice.

The Nominees For Best Teaser Trailer of 2006:
The Simpsons Movie
Transformers
Hot Fuzz
Spider-Man 3

I've only recently stopped laughing at the Hot Fuzz teasers but the Whopper goes to the Transformers teaser featuring the Beagle was something I had been waiting for for so long, I almost cried with joy.

The Whopper Awards 2006 - Part 8

The Nominations For Best Special Effects Of 2006:
Eragon
X-Men: The Last Stand
Superman Returns
Poseidon

Poseidon wins if only for the fact that it had to be pointed out after watching the movie that the cruise liner wasn't real in the opening shots.

The Nominees For Best DVD Release of 2006:
Police Squad
American Dad Vol.1
Sledge Hammer! Season 2
Red Dwarf VIII

Normally this award would be given to special- edition- directors extended- uncut versions of major motion pictures but there wasn't anything of note this year. Insted I enjoyed the offerings of television in DVD form including the Whopper winner: classic comedy Police Squad- a fantastic effort from Paramount which blended some quality special features with a great DVD transfer of the pre- Naked Gun adventures of Sgt. Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant of Police Squad.

The Whopper Awards 2006 - Part 7

The Nominees for Best Cinematography of 2006:
Dion Beebe (Miami Vice)
Robert Elswit (Syriana)
Emmanuel Lubezki (Children Of Men)
Tom Stern (Flags Of Our Fathers)

From the first shot to the last Miami Vice was an extraordinary film to look it, due in no small part to the excellent photographic direction of one Dion Beebe. The selection of coloured filters, camera angles the way the camera swept over the shiny cars and fast boats even during scenes shot in dim light were extraordinary. Watch his ultimate achievement- the photography involved in the final car-door-as-a-shield-shootout.

The Nominees For Best Score of 2006:
John Powell (X-Men: The Last Stand)
David Arnold (Casino Royale)
Hans Zimmer (Pirates Of The Carribean: Dead Man's Chest)
John Ottman (Superman Returns)

There is a remarkable trend in movies that sometimes even the worst of films can have the best music. My own collection of film scores have work from countless crap and most forgettable films like First Knight, National Treasure, Robocop 3, Sky Captain and the World Of Tomorrow, Spy Kids, The Devil's Own and even Waterworld. With the exception of the most excellent Casino Royale the remaining nominations this year follow the trend and are for scores of movies which were otherwise a total let down (to me if not the Box-office). I'm delighted to reveal that Hans Zimmer has retained the Whopper award which he co-recieved last year with James Newton Howard. Zimmer wrote the themes for the original Pirates Of The Carribean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl but due to prior contracts he was unable to score the film instead giving it to perhaps his most able current collaborator and student Klaus Badelt. For the sequel however Zimmer was able to take the helm and score the entire film giving us the best score of the year (if nothing unique).

The Whopper Awards 2006 - Part 6

The Nominees For Best Director of 2006:
J.J. Abrams (Mission: Impossible III)
Michael Mann (Miami Vice)
Martin Scorsese (The Departed)
Steven Speilberg (Munich)

As Mike Bay had no film this year the decision of best director was somewhat difficult. J.J. Abrams proves he's at the top of his game with M:I III, Mike Mann resurrected Crockett and Tubbs for the big screen and made it work in the 21st century and Martin Scorcese brought a solid cast for his tale of the Irish mafia vs the law in Boston. However this year, forgiven for the turgid shit that was War Of The Worlds; Steven Speilberg deserves the award for his perfectly crafted vision of the story of what happened after Black September, the murder of the Israeli athletes at the 1972 Olympics.

The Nominees For Best Writing of 2006:
Zach Helm (Stranger than Fiction)
William Monaghan (The Departed)
Richard Linklater (A Scanner Darkly)
Russell Gewirtz (Inside Man)

Story and dialogue I'll admit aren't the main reasons I watch movies. If I was to rate what element of production is least interesting in it would probably be writing. No one ever remembers who writes a film, no one upon finding out that a film is being made asks "who's writing that?". The only recognition a writer gets is if something says: "from the writer of Such and Such". A book needs writing but a movie just needs producing, direction, acting, special effects, score and a poster. However some movies are better than others if they have all these things but are also well written. The Nominees here are just 4 examples from this year's productions. Zach Helm is a writer whose name may be forgotten once you read the next award but nontheless the winner of this years Whopper for crafting a unique, slightly-surreal mixture of comedy and tragedy with Stranger Than Fiction.

The Whopper Awards 2006 - Part 5

The Nominees For Best Television Show of 2006:
Battlestar Galactica
Heroes
NCIS
The Unit

David Mamet's CBS series, The Unit pipped Sci-Fi's Stargate: Atlantis to the post for Whopper nominations this year and while CBS' NCIS continues to deliver, it's under stiff competition from newcomer Heroes at NBC. Sci-Fi's Battlestar Galactica however retains the Whopper award for Best TV Show for the 2nd year running.

The Nominees for Best Video Game Of 2006:
Call Of Duty 2
Dungeons & Dragons Online: Stormreach
F.E.A.R
SiN Episodes: Emergence

I'm far more selective about what games I play nowadays, and this lot are the four I've played this year. Call Of Duty 2 is a worthy sequel to the exceptional original and kicks the Medal Of Honor franchise on is arse. F.E.A.R. and SiN Episodes are near future FPSs each with exceptional graphics, good plot (for FPSs anyway) and their own unique gimmicks but like COD2 they don't bring much evolution to their respective genres. DDO: Stormreach, despite it's numerous technical faults, was easily the best gaming experience I've had in a long time. Joining some of my friends online and leading them (as the mighty Paladin Karadon) into battle, killing hordes of Kobolds in the name of justice was exhilarating. A pity time would not allow me to continue on and become a king or somesuch...

*Note on Video Game Whopper Award criteria: I will now make nominations based on games released within the Fiscal Year of the awards as opposed to the calander year. This is because video game marketing is geared towards a Christmas release and thus does not allow enough time to evaluate. The Fiscal Year of one year begins on Oct 1st of the preceeding calender year, so FY '06 began on October 1st 2005.

The Whopper Awards 2006 - Part 4

I've split the best picture categories between Drama and Action this year as one type of movie can't be compared to the other.

The Nominees For Best Dramatic Motion Picture of 2006:
Children Of Men
The Departed
Flags Of Our Fathers
Miami Vice

Martin Scorsese’s The Departed easily wins this award hands down. Easily one of the best movies to come out of Hollywood this century. A top notch ensamble cast with Jack Nicholson, Matt Damon, Mark Walberg, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin and anything that makes you want to watch Leo DiCaprio on screen has to be good.

The Nominees For Best Action Movie of 2006:
Casino Royale
Crank
Mission Impossible III
Underworld Evolution

Snakes On A Plane was next to this four but the winner this year is Crank. It’s like going to the movies and ending up on a rollercoaster. Crank puts Jason Statham in the position of a retiring assassin who has been poisoned and must use his remaining time to exact revenge and if possible find a cure. It’s an explosive, gun-toting, car-chasing thrill ride. Should be used as an example for first-time directors everywhere.

More awards next week.

The Whopper Awards 2006 - Part 3

Today it's the turn of the supporting performers whom without, a production would be nothing.

The Nominees For Best Supporting Actor:
Michael Caine (Children Of Men)
Willem DaFoe (Inside Man)
Robert Downey Jr. (A Scanner Darkly)
Michael Hogan (Battlestar Galactica)

While Sir Michael Caine should be mentioned as he delivers the best rendition of the old “Pull my finger” gag in Children Of Men, the winner is Michael Hogan who gave the performance of his life in the current season of Battlestar Galactica as Colonel Saul Tigh who looses his eye, his wife and his very dignity after galvanising the resistance movement against the “Toaster”’s occupation of New Caprica before returning to the drunken state he’s grown all too used to. Magnificent work.

The Nominees For Best Supporting Actress:
Valeria Golino (36)
Michelle Monaghan (Mission: Impossible III)
Scarlett Johansson (The Prestige)
Pauley Perrette (NCIS)

The winner is Michelle Monaghan a Whopper winner last year who shines again, albeit in a different category. This year in Mission Impossible III, she convinced us that she could do much more than look good by portraying Julia, Ethan Hunt’s feisty fiancée whom we assume will convince him to leave the spy business for good and pave way for a superior actor for the Mission Impossible franchise :)

Next up: Best Movies...

President Ford laid to rest.

The 38th President of The United States of America, Gerald R. Ford was remembered on Tuesday for what he didn't have — pretensions, a scheming agenda, a great golf game and the small-town authenticity he brought to the presidency.

The state funeral moved from Washington to Grand Rapids, Ford's final homecoming. The marching band from the University of Michigan, where he played football, greeted the White House jet carrying his casket, members of his family and others in the funeral party.

An elaborate service at the Washington National Cathedral unfolded in the spirit of one of its musical selections — "Fanfare for the Common Man" — as powerful people celebrated the modesty and humility of a leader propelled to the presidency by the Watergate crisis that drove his predecessor Richard Nixon from office.

"In President Ford, the world saw the best of America and America found a man whose character and leadership would bring calm and healing to one of the most divisive moments in our nation's history," President Bush said in his eulogy.

Marine Lieutenant Colonel "Whopper" Creedon said, "I'm always saddened by the loss of a President, well the Republican ones anyway".

The Whopper Awards 2006 - Part 2

Today it's the turn of the best actresses.

The Nominees for Best Actress In A Dramatic Role:
Claire-Hope Ashitey (Children Of Men)
Maggie Gyllenhaal (Stranger Than Fiction)
Mary McCormack (Right At Your Door)
Anna Mouglalis (Romanzo criminale)

The winner is Mary McCormack who delivers an excellent and thoroughly convincing performance as Lexi, a woman stranded outside her home as the victim of a terrorist dirty bomb in Los Angles in the thriller Right At Your Door.

The Nominees For Best Actress For Just Being Hot:
Kate Bekinsale (Underworld: Evolution)
Milla Jovovich (Ultraviolet)
Kristanna Loken (Bloodrayne)
Jill Wagner (Blade: The Series)

This was probably the toughest decision to make overall. I had to drop the likes of Eva Green Charlize Theron and Keira Knightly from the nominations to get the final four. The winner however is Kate Bekinsale who sets the screen alight once more in the sequel to Underworld as Selene with her P99's and her body-hugging leather which clings to every supple curv... erm, well you get the idea.

Tomorrow, the supporting cast...

The Whopper Awards 2006 - Part 1

You've all waited a year for these. Now the wait is over. Here begins the 2nd Annual Whopper Awards for the productions of 2006. I've made some refinements to the categories since last year, but time constraints mean I will need to spread them out until Thursday Jan 11th at the earliest.

Now without further ado:

The Nominees for Best Actor In A Dramatic Role:
Eric Bana (Munich)
Will Ferell - (Stranger Than Fiction)
Kiefer Sutherland (24)
Bruce Willis (16 Blocks)

And the winner is: Will Ferell who proves he’s not just an idiot-funnyman in Stranger Than Fiction, an extraordinary film in which he expertly plays Harold Crick a man who can hear a narrator’s voice in his head who tells him he’s going to die – and I thought I was the only one who suffered from that :) While I hope that Ferell continues in his comedy endevours, it’s nice to know that that he can out-act the best of them elsewhere.

The Nominees for Best Actor In An Action Role:
David Belle (District B13)
Daniel Craig (Casino Royale)
Samuel L. Jackson (Snakes On A Plane)
Jason Stratham (Crank)

Being French doesn’t disclude free-runner David Belle from a nomination, but I doubt anyone will argue with the winner: Daniel Craig who reigns suprememe over Sam Jackson or 2005’s Whopper Jason Stratham. Craig re-invented Bond and made him his own- he’s nothing like anyone you’ve ever seen as a 007 before, sometimes even to the point where you are questioning if you’re actually watching Bond at all. He's come a long way since his appearences in Young Indiana Jones, I hope he keeps it up.

Tomorrow: The Best Actresses...

2006! The Year In Review

We now say farewell to 2006. A year where we discovered....

that Dutch cartoons could possibly start World War III, Iran and North Korea don't want to play nice with the rest of the world, Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer (accidentally?), Pope Benedict and Mike Richards "come out" as racists, The Brits get medieval on terrorist ass - ban Cherry Coke on airlines, The Zidane headbutt, with no Rings, Harry Pothead or Star Wars- Pirates storms the box office, John Kerry insinuates that all US Servicemen are retarded imbiciles, Russia still in the assassination game, Democrats take control and Rumsfeld resigns.

We lost: James Brown, Mickey Spillane, Joe Rosenthal, Basil Poledouris, Peter Boyle, Charlie Haughey, Steve Irwin, Shirley Walker, Aaron Spelling, Jack Palance, Jack Warden, Gerald Ford, Chris Penn and in the Global War On Terror- 246 good Marines.

But what about all the good things in 2006: Top of the Pops finally ends, Slobodan Milošević is found dead in his cell, the world is given the Wii, Saddam Hussein is executed, common users generate more internet content than ever before, a new Bond, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is righteously killed, we get Heroes, Robert Altman dies and best of all: France doesn't win the World Cup.

Now: prepare for the 1st major event of 2007: the 2nd Annual Whopper Awards!

Death of a Tyrant - Happy New Year

I think this is a splendid way to end the year- the glorious execution of Saddam Hussein. A man to be remembered alongside Adolf Hitler as a nutter who tried to defy the might of the USA.

As a parting gift for 2006 - I spent a while looking on the net for a video of his actual death- i.e. hearing his neck snap and hopefully the emptying of his bowels as he died. Sadly this dark and grainy footage taken by an individual present at the "festivities" with a camera phone is all I have of the moment where life leaves this sick and twisted individual.

Delight with me in hearing the cheers of people, free people- delivered from opression to freedom who were present to wish him well (or rather make sure he went) as he took the express elevator to hell. No doubt the man will take up the type of role depicted in South Park where he's Satan's gay bitch for eternity.

Merry Christmas

Folks, let me just get to the point and wish all who read this- a very Merry Christmas. My one-man campaign against supplies of Jack Daniel's begins now. Have a good one.

Someone else who wishes you a Merry Christmas...

Iron Man Teaser Site Live

Jon Favreau just told me about this...

http://www.ironmanmovie.com/

Sith Apologist Wins iPod

Sith Apologist, a dark lord of the Sith, is the new owner of the iPod which had actually been won by Former Grunt last evening.

In a bizzare turn of events, Former Grunt stated that he was getting a new iPod with video and in fact doubted the would get the opportunity to sell on Apollo after my death as he had suggested in his winning tiebreaker because he knew I would "never be killed by alien bugs anyway because you're too good a Marine and are practically invincible".

Sith Apologist's own tiebreaker (which was ranked 2nd in total results from all three judges) to- I want an iPod engraved with the name of my hero: Colonel Creedon because ___ was: "I need a constant reminder of how alcohol and court martials result in demotion and handing out freebies to freeloaders."

Congratulations Sith Apologist.

New Transformers Trailer

Get the Transformers Trailer Here

Former Grunt Wins iPod

Former Grunt, who served with me in special ops in Panama and the Gulf War, has won Apollo, my iPod recently offered up as the prize in a competition here in Whopper's Bunker.

He sucessfully answered American Dad as my new animated comedy fix. A panel of three judges voted that he completed the tie-breaker: I want an iPod engraved with the name of my hero: Colonel Creedon because- with "After he's eaten by alien bugs on a distant world, I'll be able to flog it for a mint!" as the best of the lot. But it was a close race.

In addition to the iPod, Former Grunt also gets countless* hours of entertainment preloaded in the form of episodes of 2IGTV and free technical support from VerTecX21.

Join me in congratulating Former Grunt on his win and thanks to all who participated.

*Can actually be counted

2IGTV Episode 32

Mark has no Wii (Sorry I just had to use that - What the fuck were Nintendo thinking?). Snipes is arrested! Damon would be Kirk. New Star Trek animated series? Raimi wants a Shadow! Eragon: Try to cross Star Wars with Lord Of The Rings and you get a pile of steaming shit.
We also discuss The Punisher 2 and the dangers of Wii (snigger!). We also completly spoil the latest episodes of Battlestar Galactica for those that haven't seen it yet and tell you what we are (and are not) looking forward to in 2007.



Download it now!

This time: they even shot the dog. - Part 4 in my "Shoot First, Questions Never" series!

A leeching student accused of robbing a man of two new Playstation 3s on the day of release of the console was killed by police sent to arrest him earlier in the month.

Peyton Strickland, 18, was killed at a house he shared with three roommates. "If this boy would've come to the door, opened the door, we probably wouldn't be talking," New Hanover County Sheriff Sid Causey said.

Roommate Mike Rhoton said Strickland was unarmed, but was likely holding a video game controller in a threatening manner when he went to the door as it was breached by officers.

Asked if the deputies felt their lives were threatened, Causey said that anytime you have a high-risk entry like that, you feel that your life is in danger. He declined to say what made the arrest high risk.

The sheriff said the robbery victim had waited three days in line to buy two Playstation 3 units for $641 each at a Wal-Mart. He was unloading the units at his campus apartment when one man beat him to the ground while another took the PlayStations, Causey said.

Strickland's dog, a German shepherd, also was shot to death. That is however more of a loss than the waster student as many German shepards can be productive in military, police and security occupations.

Police seek robber disguised as Commander-In-Chief

They'll never suspect it was me.

Yet another insane reality TV show

Erik Estrada and other lesser celebrities have apparently been sworn in as reserve officers of the city police department in Muncie, Indiana, allowing them to carry badges and guns as part of a reality television series.

About 200 people were packed into a Muncie City Hall auditorium for the Tuesday ceremony to swear in the former CHiPs star, along with La Toya Jackson (lesser known sister of Michael and Janet), Jack Osbourne (scruffy offspring of The Lord Of Darkness), Wee Man (of Jackass antics) and Trish Stratus (a WWE bimbo).

"Roll call is at 6 o'clock," Muncie Police Chief Joe Winkle told the celebrities. "Do not be late."

The CBS show, Armed and Famous, being filmed in this east-central Indiana city, population 66,000, follows the celebrities as they enforce the laws alongside city police officers.

Estrada joked with the crowd that people may not recognize him as an officer because he would not be wearing his toupee. He pulled up the back inch of his hairpiece and wiggled it, drawing laughter from the crowd.

WIN! The Colonel's iPod!

As was recently detailed: A sentence of my recent Court-Martial was that I offer my old iPod (which I named Apollo, after the Greek/Roman god of music) up to you lot.

Apollo is a 4th Generation iPod (with no video functionality) and it is well outside the warranty date, it survived this procedure which invalidated the warranty anyway and but has worked flawlessly since then. There are some nicks and dents and the rear mirrored panel is scratched from use as visible in the photo below. I only replaced my iPod due to 20Gb being insufficient storage for my music. Battery life is still a good 6 hours or more on standard settings. The engraving on the rear of Apollo reads:

Colonel Creedon
Apollo - VerTecXneT

iPods operate in two modes. Audio mode is the normal operation of an iPod where you listen to music/ podcasts/ audio-books on it through headphones. Disc mode allows the iPod to act as an external hard drive and allows data to be stored on it. You can only transfer audio files to listen to in audio mode to an iPod through the iTunes application on your computer. You can transfer data in disc mode to and from an iPod from any compatible computer with or without iTunes.

Included with Apollo are:
-a USB data transfer/power cable (you must have a powered USB 2.0 port on your computer to charge, put audio on or transfer data to and from the iPod).
-the original software disc with a version of the iTunes application which I recommend be updated via a broadband connection as soon as possible.
-the instruction manual in which I've crossed out some sections as they are no longer applicable.

Not included with Apollo (but were included originally):
-a firewire cable and mains power adapter. As Apple no longer supplies these as standard, I didn't get one with Corellon (my new iPod), so you'll have to charge Apollo with the USB 2.0 cable supplied. Alternatively you can get a mains power adapter here.
-the famous "white headphones". Er yeah! You want my earphones after they were in my ears for a couple of years? That's right they ain't white anymore baby! The good news is any standard headphones will work with an iPod but if you want to complete the iPod experience you can get your own pair here.
-the warranty card. Now useless.

Pre-loaded on Apollo will be recent episodes of 2IGTV ready to listen to in audio-mode (and will also be loaded in disc-mode in case you erase the episodes from music-mode).

In accordance with the rules set by the convening authority of the Court-martial and suggestions by yourselves I have created a competition so that one of you; my loyal readers can win Apollo itself.

The rules are simple:
1. You must answer the following question:
What relatively new animated comedy series has The Colonel recently "discovered" and is busy watching the boxed DVD set? Hint: The answer is "discussed" in the latest episode of 2IGTV.

2. Complete the following tie-breaker using less than 20 additional words:
I want an iPod engraved with the name of my hero: Colonel Creedon because _____________.

Answers must be E-mailed to colonel.creedon(a)yahoo.com [where (a) = @] to arrive no later than December 18th at 00:00 GMT. At that time, once the answer to the question is verified as correct and you meet the requirements listed below; your tie-breaker will be E-mailed to the judges who will deliberate and select using a numerical point system the tie-breakers in order of their preference from the list. The tie-breaker with the maximum votes, including my own, will be the winner.

Entrants must be physically (as few will be mentally) over 18 years of age as of 10th Dec 2006. Only entrants who have posted a comment (using whatever handle) to the Colonel's Eagle, Whopper's Bunker or 2IGTV blogs between December 9th 2005 and December 9th 2006 are eligible. Only one entry per person regardless of multiple personalities. Entries from those with known ties to the U.S. Democratic party, those from people representing any liberal media, paying members of "peace activist"or "environmental tree-huggers" or any of Afghan, Iranian, North Korean or especially French origin will be automatically printed out on soft toilet tissue and "used" personally by the Colonel (i.e; they will not be considered).

So listen to 2IGTV and complete your tie-breakers now, you only have a week, get cracking, that's an order!

2IGTV Episode 31

In this episode we discover David Eick (not the one that's the son of God) will develop Them! and Ron More is to remake the remake of The Thing. Peter Jackson will do The Hobbit, oh no wait; he's not going to, he is, he's not.... ahem!
Is Eccleston a Hero? Why are Paramount banking on Eddie Murphy? and Gibson is a vain cunt- but he's right!
In technology: Thousands of British iPod "criminals" will soon be transformed into law-abiding citizens - find out how.
Finally find out what new animated television comedy the Colonel is watching- it could win you his old iPod, and discover who Jon Fraveau has exclusively given the Iron Man script to play Pepper Potts.

All this and (not) much more in 2IGTV Episode 31 available here now!

Complete Twat is Biggest Bond Fan

A James Bond fanatic has changed his name by deed poll to match his hero's - and has ridiculously used the title of all 21 films as his middle names. David Fearn is now known as:

James Dr No From Russia With Love Goldfinger Thunderball You Only Live Twice On Her Majesty's Secret Service Diamonds Are Forever Live And Let Die The Man With The Golden Gun The Spy Who Loved Me Moonraker For Your Eyes Only Octopussy A View To A Kill The Living Daylights Licence To Kill Golden Eye Tomorrow Never Dies The World Is Not Enough Die Another Day Casino Royale Bond.

The 23-year-old council worker told The Daily Mirror he wanted to prove he was one of the world's biggest Bond fans, but in my opinion, has only proved he's one of the world's biggest tossers.

"I can't wait for the first time somebody asks what my name is," he said. Well I wish I was around him for the 515th time someone asks him his name and he looses the plot or simply gets fed up and shortens it to James Octopussy Bond or maybe just Pussy.

"You wanna live forever?"

That's a question I scream at new recruits as I push them out of an aircraft on their first solo jump.

Casper Van Dien, the star of the original Starship Troopers, will be returning to head up Starship Troopers 3, which will be directed by series writer Edward Neumeier, writer of Robocop.

Plans are apparently afoot to shoot next year. Van Dien will return, now as Colonel John Rico. There'll be some new bugs, draft riots and religion will all play a part in what will undoubtedly be an irrelevant "plot". Oh and "the Federation has a new weapon."

Hopefully it'll be a sequel to the original and not Hero Of The Federation (Yes there was a Starship Troopers 2).

Production is scheduled to begin next March.

Obituary: Shirley Walker

Another great musical talent has been extinguished. Shirley Walker, composer of much of the music from Batman's animated adventures, the Final Destination movies has died of an aneurysm at age 61.

Walker was the first woman to receive sole composing credit on a Hollywood studio picture, on Memoirs of an Invisible Man in 1992 and won a Daytime Emmy for her work on the animated Batman series.

Once a piano soloist with the San Francisco Symphony, Walker's first credit was as a synthesizer player on Apocalypse Now. She went on to work as a conductor and orchestrator for Danny Elfman and Hans Zimmer, working on such features as Days Of Thunder, Batman, Dick Tracy and Backdraft.

She wrote robust themes for sci-fi, action and superhero series, including Batman Beyond, Spawn and Space: Above and Beyond. In 1996, she scored John Carpenter's futuristic action film Escape From L.A. and a year later, Robert Butler's Turbulance.

For me, Walker will be best known for one of the greatest scores to an animated motion picture- Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm where she rewrote Batman's theme and created a whole language for her choir to sing:- their own names and the names of Warner Bros. executives backwards.

Ryan Keaveney has an excellent resource including sound clips for Shirley Walker here.

Batty Old Biddy Shot Dead - Part 3 in my "Shoot First, Ask Questions Never" series!

Narcotics officers in Atlanta were justified in returning fire on a 92-year-old woman they shot to death as they tried to serve a warrant at her house. Neighbours and relatives (most-likely drug-pushers) said it was a case of mistaken identity. But police said the woman, identified as Kathryn Johnston, was the only resident in the house at the time and had lived there for about 17 years.

Assistant Chief Alan Dreher said the officers had a legal search warrant and announced themselves but a shootout erupted when they were refused entry and broke down the front door. He said they were looking for a man who sold drugs to undercover agents at her home earlier that day and were justified in shooting as they were fired upon.

- Left: Kathryn Johnston in happier times before the righteous kill.

As the plainclothes officers approached the house, a woman inside started shooting with an old rusty pistol (apparently in perfect working order), striking each of them, said Officer Joe Cobb. One was hit in the arm, another in a thigh and the third in a shoulder. The officers were taken to a hospital for treatment, and all three were thankfully conscious and alert.

Sarah Dozier, the woman's niece, said that there were never any drugs at the house. "My aunt was in good health. I'm sure she panicked when they kicked that door down," Dozier said. "There was no reason they had to go in there and shoot her down like a dog."

I disagree.

Sources: Cnews, Fox News

The Invincible Iron Man

Next January, Marvel Studios and Lionsgate will release the feature-length animated adventure The Invincible Iron Man on DVD. Following the style set by the recent Ultimate Avengers DVD movies, Iron Man will follow the exploits of Tony Stark as he fights against the Mandarin, a resurrected Chinese emperor.

Special features announced are: An Alternate Opening Sequence, "The Origin of Iron Man" featurette, "The Hall of Iron Man Armor" featurette, A Look at upcoming Marvel Animated Feature Dr. Strange and a Trailer Gallery.

According to the Lionsgate press release: "Past and present collide in this epic adventure that reveals the origin of Iron Man. While raising the ruins of a long buried Chinese kingdom, billionaire inventor Tony Stark digs up far more than he bargained for. He unleashes an age-old prophecy that foretells the resurrection of the Mandarin, the emperor of China's darkest and most violent dynasty. In order to confront the destructive force, Tony creates an armored suit infused with high-tech weaponry. To stop the evil that he himself has raised from the earth, Tony must become his greatest invention ever—Iron Man!

"The newly born champion must travel to the four corners of the earth to battle the Mandarin's henchmen, the Elementals—four magical warriors who harness the power of the elements—earth, water, wind, and fire—with deadly chemistry. But is the Iron Knight, as he his known in the prophecy, strong enough to defy fate and turn back the malevolent forces hell-bent on earth's destruction. "

OK, so it's not faithful to the accepted origin of ol' Shellhead but it might be what people need to eradicate the memory of the Marvel Action Hour Iron Man :)

The Colonel In Crisis: The Aftermath

The officer formerly known as Captain Rabb (tee hee) has kindly posted the entire transcript of my recent court-martial. So now you can see for yourselves the wonderful US Military justice system at work.

Thanks to all who supported me during the stressful and emotional time during the trial- you will not be forgotten. And to all those who did not support me and even aided the good Captain: You certainly won't be forgotten either, mark my words.

As for me- unfortunately my previous SOCOM assignment was set by statute as an O-6 billet, and therefore I had to relinquish that to a full colonel. However I've a new billet with SOCEUR that I can't tell anyone here about- but I'm okay with it. The UN Security Council are less strict thankfully and have asked that I also remain as Special Operations Director of UNETIDA which means I still have access to an impressive array of modern weapons, vehicles and technology funded by all the UN member states so we can protect them from the threats posed by aliens.

Pat Kenny is an insufferable arsehole and a piece of shit!

Well at least according to this "gentleman" making a modern-legendary performance on last Friday night's Late Late Show...



... It wouldn't have happened in Gay Byrne's day (according to Gay Byrne himself the next day rather churlishly).

Paris Pukes Rather Than Sing Own Song

What a headline eh? It's true!* Apperently at some rap performance by Shawn 'Jay-Z' Carter, she shocked the Las Vegas nightclub revellers when she got up to perform but ended up vomiting on stage instead.

Joshua Radin was among the guests who went to a nightclub... "Paris Hilton was sitting next to me the whole night. She must have pulled a compact out of her bag every six minutes to stare at herself and pose..."

Radin continued that Hilton had been imbibing straight vodka for hours. When Jay-Z left the stage, she got up on stage prepared to lip sync two of her "songs", vomited on stage and then just left.

Sheer class.

*May not be true. Dont sue me.

2IGTV Episode 30

So important an issue; Mark doesn't even bother to report that the Microsoft Zune was released. Instead he uses his amazing mind powers to guess what the Colonel's topics are in this hour-long 30th episode and succeeds in guessing that Ron Moore (left) thinks Star Trek would benefit from a BSG-style reboot. The non-existent rumour that Sin City 2 is not going to happen is eliminated. Bryan Singer eyeing Wolverine. Hugh Jackman eyeing The Amateur. Discover what Heath Leger's been reading and who's been cast as the new Bloodrayne, Sarah Conner and Officer Poncherillo in their respective productions. Christopher Walken in you'll-never-guess-who-he's-portraying-now shocker! We report on why the PS3 is extremely bad for your health. Robert Downey Jr. on Iron Man and our respective views on Casino Royale: The Best Bond Ever. (And much more because I know I've left a few things out!).

Get it here.