Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The 81st Oscars - through the eyes of The Colonel

I've not watched the Oscars in some time and there was nothing in particular I wanted to see, but I said I'd check out Hugh Jackman's presentation as he seemed like such an odd choice to front the greatest event in Hollywood [I had no idea he had a background in stage musicals and even has a Tony for it - up to now I thought he was Wolverine, Van Helsing and a hacker that can break encryption in seconds while getting blown].

I wasn't disappointed. It seemed like a more intimate setting and there was none of the fake cash splashing visuals that turned previous years presentations into a plasticky [for want of a better word] borefest. I had no idea Jackman could sing and dance like that he seemed very comfortable up on stage with Anne Hathaway in the beginning and Beyoncé in the mid-programme show.

Some of the ceremony's highlights included:

+ Jackman's opening song with fabricated recession-inspired trash representing some of the movies up for awards and ending in his proclamation that he's WOLVERINE!!!! Inspired.

+ Steve Martin and Tina Fey's hilarious presentation of screenwriting awards especially their Scientology gag.

+ Ben Stiller appearing [and remaining in character] as a Ben Stiller who announced he was retiring from being a funnyman to take up cinematography - complete with sunglasses and a big beard, chewing gum akin to the recent appearance of Joaquin Phoenix and making a half-assed attempt at presenting a cinematography award with Natalie Portman. Portman, ever the true actor, managed to go along with this fairly straight-faced for over two minutes before beginning to laugh as Stiller had by then, "wandered off" in the background away from the podium admiring the show set pieces in stoned-like wonder.

+ Jackman's mid-show tribute to the resurgence of the musical with Beyoncé created by Baz Luhrmann [despite there being ABBA parts from that tripe Mama Mia].

+ and finally Queen Letifah's moving rendition of "I'll Be Seeing You" to movie clips of all the recently deceased stars and crew [including Stan Winston] and finishing with Paul Newman.

But it can't all be good. The 81st Oscars were marred by people like Bill Maher who presented the documentry Oscars - as if the category wasn't fuckin' depressing enough already than having that moron on stage for them. Naturally I fast forwarded through him...

- Mama Mia! was mentioned several times in a positive light.

- Ben Kingsley is still being introduced as "Sir Ben Kingsley". Anthony Hopkins stood on the stage beside him and despite their Queen also bestowing the title upon him as well, he doesn't "vehemently insist" on being introduced as "Sir Anthony Hopkins", but "Sir Ben" as he must be called, demands it.

- Sean Penn getting an award. I fuckin' hate Sean Penn, a class-1 wanker and his shoehorning of his misguided political agendas into award speeches. His death can never be too soon.

Now while I was pleased with the actual show, most of the awards themselves were as usual bestowed on some of the most torturous boring crap produced of all time. Who really gives a crap about the story of Benjamin Button, Harvey Milk, some Indian laddie who won a million rupies or a conspiracy within the catholic clergy or whatever Doubt is about [I honestly couldn't even be bothered to find out]. If the answer is you? Then you're on the wrong blog. But if you want so see proper recognition for The Dark Knight along with the likes of Iron Man, Aliens Vs. Predator 2, Rambo, The Incredible Hulk, Taken, Max Payne and other movies far more deserving than the tosh you saw at the 81st Oscars - then tune in here at the weekend for the nominations for the 4th Annual WHOPPER AWARDS!!!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Human Target to return?

Remaking '70's & '80's TV shows is O.K. because it brings the stories to a new generation 30 years later as most of the original audiences have matured outside the demographic [or have become die-hard fans who just won't let go]. However, If you're going to remake a '90's TV show - it would have to have been one so good as to withstand another helping of it so soon.

The truly awful Human Target is not one of those that spring to mind. It was was an extremely short lived 1990 adaptation of a DC comic book of the same name, staring rock star Rick Springfield. Springfield starred as Christopher Chance, a former Special Forces operative turned decoy-for-hire who impersonated endangered people ("whether you're a busboy or the king of England"). Chris' clients lived in the safety and comfort of the Blackwing his stealth-like black aircraft until the assignment was completed. The ship's multi-levels housed facilities including worldwide television reception and advanced audio and visual communications systems. It's crew included the other characters, Vietnam veteran pilot Jeff Carlyle; computer whiz Libby Page; and makeup dude Philo Marsden who transformed the appearance of Chance via computer-generated masks for each assignment. According to the show's producer Steve Hattman "This was a man who, at a very young age, went to war in Vietnam. He was in Special Forces. He was, in fact, an assassin. He did what he felt was his duty. It affected him. "At one point he took life, but now he finds life sacred. This is a character who's on a redemptive trek through his like and that's why he chose to become 'The Human Target' - to protect lives in danger, stop murders."

Other than some impressive effects, it was fantastically shit. ABC thought so too, and after just 6 episodes, they pulled the plug.

Fast forward 19 years and Fox now seem to have the rights and have just tapped Mark Fringe Valley for the lead role in a new pilot for Human Target, from WBTV, DC Comics and McG's Wonderland - according to The Hollywood Reporter. Sigh, Valley is far superior to Springfield but I'm not convinced that this will work again, certainly not on Fox.

Source: Hollywood Reporter / TVacres / Wikipedia

Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Expendables expands

Director Sylvester Stallone has been expanding the cast of his wonderful sounding action movie in the making - The Expendables; a film which follows a team of mercenaries who head to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator.

It looks now like the rumoured Ben Kingsley is out [which is fine by me because he's completly vanished up his arse] but the rumoured Mickey Rourke is in [and he passed on Iron Man 2 as well]. I'm also delighted to tell you that everyone's favourite evil Mexican dude Danny Trejo is in as is Eric Roberts, so I think we know who the bad-guys are :)

So all those fantastic actors join Stallone himself, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Forrest Whittiker and Arnold Schwarzenegger in one of the greatest en.... Hang on!!!! ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER!!?? Holy Mother of the sweet good Lord God in Skywalker Ranch!!! Yes! Arnold himself has signed up! The Governor of California will take a day out of his shedule to play... ...Gov. Schwarzenegger! This is the most incredible casting in.... ever. No, nothing has everr come close to how awesome this is...* My fuckin' hands are shaking. It's becomning difgicult to tyope...

The Expendables begins shooting next month for a 2010 release.

*If nothing else this movie will be automatically be given a Whopper Award for best ensemble cast in 2011.

Source: AICN, ISEB, Rotton Tomatoes

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Details of new "V"

Everyone remembers "V", lizard aliens come to steal our water and eat our pets, the very thing UNETIDA was founded to prevent. And of course Diana [right] played by Jane Badler generated a somewhat forbidden lust because she was beautiful but evil [and ate this].

Well as previously reported in 2IGTV Episode 61, V is being remade. ABC has given the go-ahead for a V pilot, The 4400 co-creator/exec producer Scott Peters' attempt to revive the 1980's franchise. The new version will be set in the same V universe and follow a Homeland Security agent Erica Evans, a single mother with one teenaged son. Erica is with the FBI's Counter-Terrorism Division, and is based in Los Angeles. Currently on the trail of a sleeper cell that has forged suspiciously accurate documents, she finds her life interrupted when alien motherships appear over 29 major cities of the world. Assuaged when the humanoid inhabitants appears to be completely friendly, Erica shifts her focus back to her job and her troubled son and in so doing uncovers a shocking and massive conspiracy.

Other characters include Fr. Jack Lowrey, a Catholic priest of a parish that has seen its ranks of followers dwindle to almost nothing and is unimpressed by the surge of hope and devotion that follows the arrival of the Visitors fearing his parishioners are relating to the aliens as god-substitutes. Chad Decker, an amoral newscaster intent on getting to the top of his profession in a big hurry. Tyler Evans, Erica's son, deep in a state of teen angst, gets into trouble again and again, trying to crash parties where he is unwanted, and winding up in an ER. Tyler thinks that the aliens just might fill the empty hole in his life.

And of course - Anna - the leader of the Visitors, and she's not only humanoid, she has flawless looks and a gorgeous figure. A woman who presents herself as a benevolent deity, with a soft-spoken tone of voice that is warm and soothing (but with a strangely harmonic tone), Anna is the front person for the aliens, and she's remarkably knowledgeable -- about human culture, human languages, and media manipulation. Expert at wrapping pundits around her little finger, she decides that newscaster Chad Decker is the perfect careerist to carry her message of peace and prosperity to a wider world.

If done well, this V remake could be something to look forward to. Done poorly, we're looking at another Knight Rider, watched only as you would watch a train wreck - because you're compelled to see disaster.

Source: TV.Com, Variety

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

UNDERWORLD: Rise of the Lycans

The origins of the Underworld story are deep in the dark ages, hundreds of years before the tale of Selene and Micheal. Underworld's back story detailed Lucien's [Michael Sheen] Lycan uprising against Viktor [Bill Nighy] who, as a proud vampire had his own daughter Sonja put to death for consorting with Lucien. Underworld: Evolution furthered the tale by delving back further and giving us a glimpse into the story of the first immortal Alexander and his two sons - Markus the first Vampire and William the first Lycan. Both back stories were told through a series of flashbacks which I believe served the viewer well enough in explaining why things were the way they were and why things came to be.

Underworld: Evolution's present day story ended with all the elders - both Vampire and Lycan dead and presumed an ensuing chaos which, once contained, would have book ended the trilogy. However at some point it was decided to take the back story of Lucien, flesh it out and make a multi-million dollar movie with it as a the central plot and release it as a prequel. Why? This is pointless - we know what happens, we know how the feud between Lycans and Vampires came to be and we understand Lucien and Viktor's mutual hatred, so there was really no need for this.

Nevertheless I watched it, as it is a canonical part of the franchise and the characters appearing here were all played by the original actors save whomever played Sonja in the Underworld flashbacks; she was replaced by the delectable Rhona Mitra [who will never be as hot as Kate Bekinsale]. Suffice to say, it was certainly not the acting department that flawed this movie. Sheen was excellent, and if this whole movie was created just to showcase his physical talent on a broader scale then the first movies, then this isn't a problem. The man has been Tony Blair and David Frost recently, so why shouldn't he do something more fun. Bill Nighy showed a range of emotions here that before now would have been out of place for obvious reasons and through the performance of both leads- the story of their mutual loathing is cemented. I was also glad to hear Paul Haslinger, the ex-Tangerine Dream musician who after scoring the original Underworld returned to provide the musical accompaniment to this prequel.

Sadly a lot of the remainder of this movie, is what lets it down. It's plainly obvious that first time French director Patrick Tatopoulos tries to emulate Len Wiseman behind the camera but Michael Bay in the editing room; the result is a horrid mess. Tatopoulos shot everything is such darkness, one would think there was a single candle on set. Then he decided to use one of Len's coloured filters throughout - his dark blue one - on an already darkened set! I imagine people exiting the movie after an afternoon matinee that have a similar reaction to the daylight as the Vampires do here.

There are only two or three major action scenes - and while they are visceral, feature multiple dismemberments and some splendid impalings [provided your eyes have grown accustomed to the bleak darkness]- Tatopoulos' quick cuts prevents the camera from lingering on blood sprays or watching headless bodies fall lifeless to the ground. There's nothing like the magic of the preceding movie's flashback scene during which we witnessed multiple Vampires against a pack of Lycans where you'll remember the slow-motion dismemberment and the unforgettable moment where a Lycan devours a Vampires face through his helmet - there's none of that here, and it's a wasted opportunity for a "reinvention" of gore.

Final Verdict: Pointless prequel with some superb acting and some bloody action scenes [but obviously directed by a special effects artist] let down by a lack of slow-motion and a necessity to have eaten a good helping of carrots to improve your night vision before watching.

Colonel Creedon Verdict: ***

Monday, February 16, 2009

Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen - Full Trailer

Latest panic caused by yet another meteor

Picture the sheer terror as a fireball blazed across the daylight Texas sky at the weekend, prompting numerous 911 calls to law enforcement agencies citing terror attacks, missile strikes and naturally invaders from other worlds.

Most reported mysterious debris that was said to look like a meteor or fireball in the sky. The event was captured on film over Austin, TX by a TV crew filming a marathon at the time. The footage, also shown in slow motion, coincides with numerous sightings of falling debris in the area. In Central Texas, the Williamson County sheriff's office received so many emergency calls that it sent a helicopter out to look for debris from a plane crash. See for yourself:

The Federal Aviation Administration concluded that the fireball was caused by falling debris from colliding satellites plummeting into earth's atmosphere but the United States Strategic Command said there was no connection with the debris from collision of a US and a Russian satellites last Tuesday - but alarmingly declined to confirm what it was.

Early Monday morning the FAA backed off it's satellite collision debris theory, confirming the event as a natural phenomenon. A North Texas astronomer said that it was probably a pickup truck-sized meteor with the consistency of concrete. Commander William "Wild Bill" Sackton, UNETIDA liaison stationed at USSTRATCOM, Offutt AFB in Nebraska assured the press that "this happens all the time" and was "nothing to worry about".

Sources: Vaughan / BBC World News / Sky News / Fox News

Joaquin Phoenix is off the deep end

Joaquin Phoenix is apparently quitting acting and becoming a Hip-Hop artist [I don't make up these posts]. I have a youtube clip of an interview he did last Wednesday on The Late Show with David Letterman. It's very painful interview to watch. It's hilarious but tinged with sadness.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Punisher: War Zone - Insane Violence!

A heartwarming drama centering on the poignant tale of a troubled man, bereft of love since those he cherished were forever taken from him on a warm Summers day. His subtle actions are an expression of a tormented soul as he... - Ah Bollocks to that! Punisher: War Zone is the loudest, most insane no-holes barred, brainless action movie of the decade!!! It eclipses Equilibrium and even Shoot 'Em Up not for sheer body count but for a glorious variety of personal kills that almost reaches Rambo on a scale of death and mayhem.

The movie opens with a prominent mob-boss hosting a party. Frank Castle aka The Punisher now played by Ray Rome Stevenson, crashes in laying waste to the obviously criminal guests in attendance. Castle, always showcasing a multitude of methods to assist the cold hand of death; dispatches a guard by breaking his back with his knee, decapitates the mob boss and his wife with a blade, breaks another's neck with his legs, shoves a chair leg through a man's skull and shoots about 25 other nefarious people too. This is in the first 4 minutes!!! This is not for the feint of heart.

If you're looking for any semblance of plot or even vaguely competent acting in this movie you're going to be seriously disappointed. There's far less of either here than in the 2004 Punisher movie when Tom Jane played the vicious vigilante. Stevenson was the only guy working on screen, remaining faithful to the more modern adult depiction of The Punisher of this decade. While I think Jane is a great action star - Ray Stevenson is a better Punisher by far, he has both look and the edge to portray the character faultlessly. Now only if they had gotten Garth Ennis to write the story - then this would have been a masterpiece.

Dominic West and Doug Hutchinson (right) play the villains of the piece, Jigsaw and Looney Bin Jim respectively. It's a shame that that such credible actors would sign themselves up for this and proceed to sidestep the talent that has earned them a half dozen major acting award nominations between them. Both of them ham it up in an almost laughable fashion; their performances [sans gore] would have been better off portraying villains in a more family-oriented super-hero movie - not in the dark, adult themed word that is home to The Punisher.

Final Verdict: Despite being a badly acted, plotless mess with some bizarre and somewhat laughable sequences verging on the ridiculousness of the original 1989 Punisher movie with Dolph Lundgren; it has always been assumed to be firmly in the the realm of brainless ultra-violent action movies where more ammo is used than lines of dialog are spoken and Punisher: War Zone delivers - with a full mag!

Colonel Creedon Verdict: *****

IMDB / Wikipedia / Official Site / Body-Count Information @ ReelzChannel / List of Firearms @ The Internet Movie Firearms Database / The Punisher @ Marvel Comics

Sunday, February 08, 2009

G.I.Joe: The Rise Of Cobra Update

Well by now you've all see the Superbowl promo and are waiting in breathless anticipation for G.I.Joe this summer.

I'm delighted to announce that bog-standard 'coming soon' title card has been removed and the official site has been given a massive update since Sunday.

Also, images of the G.I.Joe: Rise Of Cobra Action Figures have surfaced [and quickly removed at the request of Hasbro] but I have one of Breaker. I'd imagine from the pictures of the figures that there will be one version of the G.I.Joe team in their gray-camo BDUs and another in the Delta Accelerator Suits they've been wearing in the promo posters. I also suspect [knowing Hasbro] that they'll produce characters that have 10 seconds of screen time or one line of dialog [if any].

In an associated lighthearted story: Sienna Miller had been circulating a story that Director Steven Sommers had her wear rubber breasts to be The Baroness. Sommers in interviews later rejected this notion - "I'm gonna be honest, I like girls with big boobs... Everybody here laughed because they know I would NEVER say that to an actress. I guess the costume department gave her a tight fitting bra, but no one gave her rubber breasts or whatever. It is 100 percent Sienna Miller."

Sommers also describes his vision for G.I.Joe was partly inspired by the Sean Connery-era James Bond movies. "I always loved the old Bonds," he says. "It's funny now how Bond wants to be Bourne. I loved Quantum of Solace, but it was like, man, this is a completely different movie to the Bonds I grew up with. In a very contemporary way, G.I. Joe is inspired by the memory of the kind of movies I saw when I was younger. I remember being in the theater for Thunderball and the big underwater battle at the end of that movie just blew my socks off. In G.I. Joe, there's an underwater battle under the polar icecap that's Thunderball times 10!"

Source: Hollywood Insider, ISEB, Hisstank

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Bale Goes Fucking Nuts!!!! ***UPDATED***

I guess now we know his poor mother was telling the truth?


After a week of people like me drawing attention to his shortcomings, unprecedented press coverage and especially Steven Colbert himself using Steve Martin to launch his own spoof-attack parody; Christian Bale has had enough and now apologised:

“It’s been a miserable week for me. I was out of order beyond belief, I was way out of order. I am embarrassed by it and I regret it. And I ask everybody to sit down and ask themselves, ‘Have they ever had a bad day and have they ever lost their temper and really regretted it immensely?”

Full Text and Links to Audio on ISEB

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

2IGTV Episode 64 - Last In Series

The end has come. Since July 2005 we've brought you more than 57 hours of constant nonsense, hilarity, entertainment and delivered news from our varied and skewed perspective.

But everything must come to an end. We've gone on much longer than either of us had expected and we've both had a blast bringing world of entertainment and technology directly into your eardrums for the past 3 1/2 years.

Grieve not and remember us...

But enough of that crap! It's business as usual in the world of TV, Movies, Comic Books, Video Games and Technology for the 64th and final time!

Get it here.
Discuss or lament in our forums

Go And Get Yourself Something Nice?

I had an interesting Yahoo News headline on my earlier about a wreck containing gold in the English Channel. What really caught my eye was the linked search for scuba gear. Just what are Yahoo implying you should do?

Before you ask, yes I am ignoring the headline Farmer uses 'gun-toting cow' to kill rabbits no matter how loudly it's calling to me.

Monday, February 02, 2009


I love the Superbowl. I may never have watched a football game in my life, but I still love the Superbowl. Why? Because the networks pull out all the stops and put their best shows and especially we see new TV-Spots for upcoming movies like these:

Star Trek

G.I.Joe: The Rise Of Cobra

Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen

Fast & Furious

Land Of The Lost

Sometimes these trailers are removed, do a search on YouTube to find mirrors.