Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The 81st Oscars - through the eyes of The Colonel

I've not watched the Oscars in some time and there was nothing in particular I wanted to see, but I said I'd check out Hugh Jackman's presentation as he seemed like such an odd choice to front the greatest event in Hollywood [I had no idea he had a background in stage musicals and even has a Tony for it - up to now I thought he was Wolverine, Van Helsing and a hacker that can break encryption in seconds while getting blown].

I wasn't disappointed. It seemed like a more intimate setting and there was none of the fake cash splashing visuals that turned previous years presentations into a plasticky [for want of a better word] borefest. I had no idea Jackman could sing and dance like that he seemed very comfortable up on stage with Anne Hathaway in the beginning and Beyoncé in the mid-programme show.

Some of the ceremony's highlights included:

+ Jackman's opening song with fabricated recession-inspired trash representing some of the movies up for awards and ending in his proclamation that he's WOLVERINE!!!! Inspired.

+ Steve Martin and Tina Fey's hilarious presentation of screenwriting awards especially their Scientology gag.

+ Ben Stiller appearing [and remaining in character] as a Ben Stiller who announced he was retiring from being a funnyman to take up cinematography - complete with sunglasses and a big beard, chewing gum akin to the recent appearance of Joaquin Phoenix and making a half-assed attempt at presenting a cinematography award with Natalie Portman. Portman, ever the true actor, managed to go along with this fairly straight-faced for over two minutes before beginning to laugh as Stiller had by then, "wandered off" in the background away from the podium admiring the show set pieces in stoned-like wonder.

+ Jackman's mid-show tribute to the resurgence of the musical with Beyoncé created by Baz Luhrmann [despite there being ABBA parts from that tripe Mama Mia].

+ and finally Queen Letifah's moving rendition of "I'll Be Seeing You" to movie clips of all the recently deceased stars and crew [including Stan Winston] and finishing with Paul Newman.

But it can't all be good. The 81st Oscars were marred by people like Bill Maher who presented the documentry Oscars - as if the category wasn't fuckin' depressing enough already than having that moron on stage for them. Naturally I fast forwarded through him...

- Mama Mia! was mentioned several times in a positive light.

- Ben Kingsley is still being introduced as "Sir Ben Kingsley". Anthony Hopkins stood on the stage beside him and despite their Queen also bestowing the title upon him as well, he doesn't "vehemently insist" on being introduced as "Sir Anthony Hopkins", but "Sir Ben" as he must be called, demands it.

- Sean Penn getting an award. I fuckin' hate Sean Penn, a class-1 wanker and his shoehorning of his misguided political agendas into award speeches. His death can never be too soon.

Now while I was pleased with the actual show, most of the awards themselves were as usual bestowed on some of the most torturous boring crap produced of all time. Who really gives a crap about the story of Benjamin Button, Harvey Milk, some Indian laddie who won a million rupies or a conspiracy within the catholic clergy or whatever Doubt is about [I honestly couldn't even be bothered to find out]. If the answer is you? Then you're on the wrong blog. But if you want so see proper recognition for The Dark Knight along with the likes of Iron Man, Aliens Vs. Predator 2, Rambo, The Incredible Hulk, Taken, Max Payne and other movies far more deserving than the tosh you saw at the 81st Oscars - then tune in here at the weekend for the nominations for the 4th Annual WHOPPER AWARDS!!!


Anonymous said...

Ah yes the Whopper Awards, where everyone is a winner. ;)

Anonymous said...

What do you win if you get a Whopper Award? What is a Whopper Award for? Do real people win them? For example, do commentators win "Most Snarkiest Comment"? Or "Least Understandable"? or "Creativest Furthering of the Colonel Subplot"?

Anonymous said...

(deadpan) oh what a clever way to push the only awards that matter!
The big question is will the Colonel be giving himself an award for his acting talent...will he mention his nomination for Best Comedy Scene in a certain awards ceremony in California last year?

Anonymous said...

Oh Jesus, he didn't!!! Not for the movie where he's the ref??? LOL

As the obliviousness to the mere existence of this 'nomination' should indicate, The Colonel is actually quite a humble man when it comes to his extraordinary art as opposed to his 'militaristic achievements'. A living paradox.

As for the Oscars? Yes. All in all I think we'd be far better off if Chris Penn was with us and Sean was worm-food.

Anonymous said...

As bizzare as it sounds , top Hollywood types (b movie status) thought that sequence comedy genius( I wrote and directed that scene and even I am puzzled by that decision!The only thing is that I can put it down to is the Colonels sheer Magnetic star power!)

Bruce Russell said...

I've known that Jackman was a song-and-dance man for some time. I remember it was kind of a big deal in the media back when he replaced Dougray Scott or whoever as Wolvy during or just before shooting.

As for the deceased celebrities montage, I found it most disappointing that the great Charlton Heston didn't get more of a reaction. I guess those pinko Hollywood-types hold a grudge from his late period as National Review pitchman and NRA President.

I'm thinking Sir Anthony isn't allowed to use the honorific due to his current American citizenship. I don't think Sir Ben has any kind of U.S. tie, other than he makes money appearing in generally sub-par Yankee productions. "The Love Guru," anyone?

Anonymous said...

Actually Bruce it's because Sir Anthony is normal. the term Sir can be used by anyone born in Britain...even if they later take citizenship of another country. Those born outside the United Kingdom are supposed to call themselves "The Honourable" as in the Honourable Bob Geldof but no one really minds those people calling themselves "Sir" they are still after all knights. However Ben Kingsley is a bit of a pain in the ass about it , he insists people call him Sir Ben (Like a feudal Lord) at one point it got so bad he would not talk to people who did not call him by his full title.Eventually David Putnam( Who Produced Ghandi)had to have a talk to him and told him to cop on! Unbelievably Kingsley did what he was told!!!!!!! And Why was Putnam able to do this because Putnam is a Lord and outranks a Knight!!!

Anonymous said...

P.S Bruce

It's funny how those pinko liberals also forgot that Heston put his career on the line back in the Sixties when he was one of Martin Luther Kings strongest supporters in Hollywood and the civil rights movement in a time when to do so would not only end your career but could end up ending your life!

Bruce Russell said...

Preach Vaughan!