Two UNPASID officers dead

The Military Assistant to the Deputy UN High Commissioner for Paranormal Affairs, Major “Ghast” Giordano has apparently shot two staff assigned to the office of the Deputy Commissioner and then jumped from the 18th floor of the UN HQ in NYC to his death.

Giordano, [left] an Italian Army officer was recently assigned to the Deputy Commissioner after a tour as commander of Paranormal Threat Response Unit – Alpha. He had been with UNPASID for over 5 years. UNPASID Agents are currently investigating and are treating the incident as suspicious after discovering an Ouija board in his office. There are no further details at this time.

The tragic news of Major Giordano came just as news came in from Belgium where the body of Colonel “Svarog” Tarasov, [right] the UNPASID Director of Intelligence and Communications, was pulled from vehicular wreckage in the early hours of the morning near Dilbeek, Brussels. Local authorities say the colonel apparently lost control of his vehicle at 02:30AM local time and collided at high speed with a crash barrier, spun out of control and crashed into an articulated vehicle. It is understood that the Colonel may have been driving under the influence of alcohol. The driver of the other vehicle was uninjured.

Colonel Tarasov, of the Russian Army served in The Kremlin before joining UNPASID where he commanded the UNPASID Sixth Sense Unit [USSU] and later as chief of the UNPASID Recruitment Bureau.

The shocking news comes just 5 days before a Special Investigation Committee is to publish it's full report on the activities of UNPASID and UNETIDA to the UNSC.

Movie Mini-Reviews 23-07-12

Hmmm some of these ain't too 'mini' but what the hell....

The Raid

You may not have heard much about this movie as it’s a foreign offering from unknown Welshman Gareth Evans. It is one of these movies that promised so much from its trailer but it fell more than a little short on the grander scale. The plot is even more simplistic than your average brainless action movie but despite it being sheer nonsense - it’s not really let down by that. No, the problems here are far deeper. 

So you have a group of rookie cops vs. a group of thugs, shooting at and beating the crap out of each other and quite frankly I couldn’t honestly give a flying fuck about either side or really any character. The criminals deserved to die because they were the bad guys, the cops here were so immensely stupid that they themselves were an armed menace to society rather protectors. There was precious little by way of character development which robbed the movie of its humanity and thus any reason to care. To say they were cardboard cut-out action movie characters is an insult to real cardboard cut-out action movie characters.

An even bigger issue is that it had so much potential unrealised, the cops weren’t long running out of bullets and if they didn’t acquire enemy weapons, they resorted to martial arts against thugs armed with machetes! There was an insane amount of machetes. Everyone in the apartment block had a fucking machete! Lucas, there was almost more machetes in this movie than all of The Sudan – but guess how many limbs we saw being severed? Zilch. Unrealised potential and not using the props properly is a pet peeve of mine.

Final Verdict: It’s not for lack of blood and violence elsewhere, it’s easily the most violent and bloody movie I’ve seen all year and I doubt Expendables 2 will top it for that but I’m rating this movie sub-par as it has so much unrealised potential and is bereft of the humanity that made the Asian action movies of John Woo or Takeshi Kitano so enjoyable.

Colonel Creedon Verdict: **

Men In Black 3

Feck didn’t Tommy Lee Jones get really old? I mean sure he's been in dozens of movies since MIB2 but it's not until you see him in the black suit again does it really dawn on you. I’m obviously not the only one to think this as the man was sidelined for most of the movie substituted by Agent K’s past self, a fantastic Josh Brolin effortlessly mimicking Jones as he did George W. Bush in W. I really had one hope for this movie, and that was that it surpass the somewhat disappointing MIB sequel MIB2, and I’m glad to say it did - with bells on.

Barry Sonnenfeld's 2nd sequel wasn't weighted down with nostalgia from the originals [they mention Chief Zed as being dead because of the crazy shit that Rip Torn pulled in real life means he'll unlikely be working for a major movie studio in a kid-friendly production soon] but the array of superfluous characters like the wise-cracking beer-drinking squid-like aliens, the annoying talking pug Frank and even Tony Shalhoub's shady store-owning alien Jeebs were all absent. The result was a tighter adventure and Sonnenfeld firmly focuses on where most of the real magic is now, firmly in Will Smith's capable hands.

That's not to say the supporting cast were of little help, Oscar winning actress Emma Thompson was recruited as Agent O, the new MIB boss with David Sledgehammer Rasche portraying her 1969 counterpart. Will Blades of Glory Arnett was great in his little cameo but Bill Paul Hader was outstanding as Andy Warhol. Sadly there's an enormous drag against the perfection of this movie and that's the acting ability of New Zealand comedian/musician/actor Jemaine Clement. He's so woefully shit you almost wish Lara Flynn-Boyle from MIB2 would appear instead.

As a former student of the works of Brannon Braga, I’m no stranger to time travel and this movie takes the time twisting conundrum and makes it tremendous fun. The franchise is saved. Roll on MIB 4, but get TLJ to just play the grumpy boss as he did so well in Captain America... please - or wait another 10 years and get Will Smith to play the grizzled old guy next to Jaden Smith's new recruit. Fuck that's gold, I should work in Hollywood.

Final Verdict: Look, it's fun. That’s pretty much this movie in a nutshell, it’s just great fun.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ****

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

I do detest revisionist histories. I’m sure there was a lot more vampires in reality.

This is a bizarre yet entertaining movie from the mind of Seth Grahame-Smith who thought of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and started a phenomenon of placing the undead and fantasy elements into accepted history or famous [read: famously intensely boring] works of literature. Here we have Abraham Lincoln’s origin and life to become one of the most influential Presidents of the United States, a life irrevocably linked to the blood-sucking undead.

Final Verdict: If you’re a stuck-up history nerd who balks at the idea of altering ‘the classics’ or even documented history then you will detest this ‘outrage’. If the thought of a silver-plated axe-wielding Abraham Lincoln [or anyone] cutting through hordes of vampires excites you on any level then you’re in for a treat.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ****

Killer Joe

 Sweet Lucas, this movie was the fast train to Crazytown, Texas. It’s just so fucked up on so many levels it’s practically impossible to review. Matthew McConaughey, determined to shed his ‘sweet’ image from too many rom-coms, fantastically plays Killer Joe Cooper a local detective who moonlights as a hired killer who likes ‘em young and pure if ya’ll know what I mean? He’s hired by Chris [Emile Speed Racer Hirsh] and Ansel [Thomas Hayden Spider-Man 3 Church], trailer-park redneck trash to kill Chris' mother/Ansel's ex-wife but Joe’s high price tag means they must offer their sister/daughter Dottie [Juno The Dark Knight Rises Temple] to Joe as a retainer, a young and pure retainer.

While this appropriately rated IFCO-18 [US NC-17 / BBFC-18] movie features some pretty intense violence, and one truly grotesque scene involving fried chicken that is easily the single most truly obscene thing I’ve ever seen on the silver screen [several people walked out and I can’t say I blame them], this was overall a thoroughly entertaining and unique movie from the great Oscar-winning director William Friedkin director of classics The Exorcist and The French Connection, far better than the last offering I saw of his - Jade.

Final Verdict: Squeamish? Sensitive? Easily offended? Off you go into Magic Mike or an animated feature instead then and give this wild ride a wide berth.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ***1/2

Deliberately Untitled

Nowadays I try to stay away from commentary on the kinds of atrocities that sick and disturbed individuals commit on groups of unsuspecting innocents such as the tragedy which unfolded in Aurora, Colorado not 48 hours ago.

I'm presuming by now that everyone has seen the usual awful media frenzy that surrounds this type of tragedy and are aware of the events. A young man apparently legally purchased an AR-15 assault rifle, a shotgun and a .40 Cal Glock and hundreds of rounds of ammunition within the last two months. He put on a mask and body armour, called himself "The Joker" and proceeded into a midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises shooting and killing 12 people and wounding almost 60 others.

Normally I'm glad when the perpetrator turns the gun on themselves or is taken down in a permanent fashion by the police. However in this one instance I'm glad he wasn't because he was able to inform the police that his apartment was booby-trapped, possibly averting the deaths of subsequent investigators. I'm also delighted that Colorado has the death penalty, only unfortunately it's a "humane" kind... something that this bastard did not allow his victims.

My condolences go out to the families of the victims of this senseless tragedy, sentiments echoed by many other influential people. The US Department of Defense released a statement yesterday: "...Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims and the families of those impacted by this event. One sailor was injured and one, known to have been at the theatre that evening, is currently unaccounted for.  Two airmen were injured in the incident.  The Navy and the Air Force are working with the families of these service members to ensure they have the care and attention they need." I've since learned that the unaccounted for sailor was one of the victims, Petty Officer John Larimer, 27. 

Chuck Rozanski, President of Mile High Comics of Denver, Colorado [the outlet from which I have purchased much of my considerable Iron Man collection] also expressed condolences, and was relieved that none of his staff, their families or friends were victims of the incident and considers that his choice of local theatre for his midnight viewing was the right one: "I was at a different movie theater last night with my wife, daughter and her fiancé. Had the shooter chosen to instead make the quick drive from Aurora to Boulder, the horror of last night could have easily been ours to bear..." Rozanski however wants to help those less fortunate: "it is clear by the fact that they were willing to attend a midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises that they were, at least by some measure, comics fans. That being the case, I think that it is beholden upon all of us in the comics world to pull together to help them in their time of need. For the families of the dead, we want to help with funeral expenses. For the wounded, we want to help with medical bills." and so 10% of all proceeds from the current Mile High Comics sale will be placed in a fund for them.

As you can imagine, director Christopher Nolan was upset and calling the shooting an appalling crime said: "I believe movies are one of the great American art forms and the shared experience of watching a story unfold on screen is an important and joyful pastime. The movie theater is my home, and the idea that someone would violate that innocent and hopeful place in such an unbearably savage way is devastating to me." Oscar winning composer Hans Zimmer said: "I was going to send a note to Chris [Nolan] ... but I didn't have the words. Suddenly, words become meaningless because it's so beyond anything."

I finish with the words of wisdom... nay - a 'call to arms' from long time contributor and friend Bruce Russell: "Everyone, please go to a movie this weekend. Don't let one lunatic impact your life in a negative way. Go see Amazing Spider-Man, The Dark Knight Rises, Madagascar 3, whatever. Do your bit."

Motley, my drinking buddy makes O-7

Back in 2009, during my unofficial visit to Washington D.C., in a watering hole in the shadow of the Pentagon, I met U.S. Air Force Colonel Jon "Motley" Mott of the Air National Guard [ANG] serving as the Director of Plans and Requirements at the National Guard Bureau to share a few beers in celebration of St. Patricks Day.

Photo credit: C. Paras

Since then Col. Mott, a Command Pilot with 90 combat missions under his belt, more than 4600 flying hours and holder of the record of the most documented flight hours in an A-10 Thunderbolt II, has served as the Special Assistant to the Air National Guard Readiness Center commander, at Andrews AFB.

NG photo by Tech. Sgt. M. Chatham

A few weeks ago at a ceremony at Joint Base Andrews, the ANGRC commander Brigadier General Brian Neal presented Col. Mott with the Legion of Merit first oak leaf cluster for his exceptionally meritorious conduct in the performance of outstanding services and achievements.

NG photo by Tech. Sgt. M. Chatham

Mott had previously been selected as the next Assistant Adjutant General - Air for the ANG in the state of Connecticut a position which warranted his promotion to the grade of Brigadier General. Col. Mott's new rank was pinned on by members of his family and the newly minted Brigadier General was presented with his first personal flag which will be placed in his office at his new command this month.

NG photo by Tech. Sgt. M. Chatham

"It's very important to build relationships between the state, the ANG, active duty, and Capitol Hill because they are all interrelated," said Mott. "I will miss the ANGRC, but I plan to continue building relationships and improving upon processes as the Connecticut Air Adjutant General."

I wish Brigadier General Mott all the best in his new assignment.

Ernest Borgnine 1917-2012

For 60 years, Ernest Borgnine graced both our small and big screens in a variety of memorable roles as both villains and heroes and was loved and appreciated by young and old. Sadly Borgnine died on Sunday aged 95.

Born Ermes Effron Borgnino in 1917 in Connecticut to Italian parents. He enlisted in the U.S. Navy in 1935 after graduation from high school. He served during WWII reaching Gunners Mate 1st Class and earned the Navy Good Conduct Medal and numerous WWII campaign awards.

In 1951, Borgnine moved to Los Angeles to pursue an acting career and received his big break in 1953 playing the sadistic Sergeant "Fatso" Judson alongside Frank Sinatra in From Here to Eternity. Borgnine built a reputation as a character actor and appeared in early film roles as villains, before starring as a warm-hearted butcher in Marty, a role which gained him an Academy Award for Best Actor over nominees Sinatra, Dean, Tracy and Cagney.

Borgnine's film career flourished after this achievement and it continued successfully through the years and included roles in The Flight of the Phoenix [‘65], The Dirty Dozen [‘67], The Poseidon Adventure [‘72], Convoy [‘78], The Black Hole [‘79], Escape from New York [‘81], Gattaca [‘97] and Red [2010]. One of his most famous roles became that of Dutch, a member of The Wild Bunch in the 1969 Western classic from director Sam Peckinpah.

Borgnine was no stranger to the small screen with part in many TV shows of the ‘50s and 60’s. His Naval service served him well in providing a fertile atmosphere to portray Lt. Cmdr. Quinton McHale in the ‘62–‘66 series McHale's Navy, a World War II sitcom. He later appeared in episodes of The Love Boat, Highway to Heaven, Murder, She Wrote, Walker: Texas Ranger, JAG and many more. Based on one appearance on Magnum P.I., producer Donald Bellasario made him a co-star in Airwolf where he played helicopter pilot Dominic Santini from ’84-‘86.

In 2007, 90-year-old Borgnine starred in the Hallmark original film A Grandpa for Christmas. For this he received a Golden Globe nomination for Best Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture made for Television. At 90, he was the oldest Golden Globe nominee ever. Two years later, he earned an Emmy nomination for his performances in the final two episodes of the long-running NBC medical series ER.

Borgnine lent his voice to Kip Killigan in Small Soldiers in 1998 and to his own characterture once on The Simpsons but he was more known for his role as Mermaid Man in SpongeBob SquarePants and even voiced the character in a video game. He expressed much affection for the role as it was popular with children.

In addition to his Academy Award for Marty in 1955 he was also awarded a BAFTA, Gloden Globe NBR and NYFCC for same. He was nominated for three Emmys, won his second Gloden Globe in 2007 and in 2009 received a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Rhode Island International Film Festival. He was honored with the Screen Actors Guild Life Achievement Award at the 17th annual SAG Awards, 2011. For his contribution to the motion picture industry, Ernest Borgnine has received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame at 6324 Hollywood Blvd.

Outside of acting, Borgnine served one year as the Chairman of the National Salute to Hospitalized Veterans, visiting patients in many Department of Veterans Affairs medical centers. He had volunteered to be Stories of Service National spokesman, urging his fellow World War II vets to come forward and share their stories. He still corresponded with some of his old Navy pals, and as an honorary flight leader of the Blue Angels, he often took the team to dinner when they flew into NAS Point Mugu, California. He received the honorary rating of chief petty officer in October 2004 from Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy Terry D. Scott for Borgnine's support of the Navy and naval families worldwide.

Borgnine married five times. To Rhoda Kemins (1949–1958), Katy Jurado (1959–1963), Ethel Merman (1964), Donna Rancourt (1965–1972) and finally to Tova Traesnaes (1973-his death) and he had four children along the way. Borgnine died of renal failure on July 8, 2012, at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, California. His wife and children were at his side.

 

Borgnine had a couple of secrets to staying young, in 2007 he said: "I just want to do more work. Every time I step in front of a camera I feel young again. I really do. It keeps your mind active and it keeps you going." In 2008, during an interviewed on Fox News he was asked about the secret to his longevity. Laughingly, he responded "I don't dare tell you", then leaned over to whisper into the ear of Steve Doocy, the whisper being caught by the microphone, "I masturbate a lot."
 

RIP Ernie. Fair winds and following seas to the hereafter.

WIPO sends tech to rogue states

The U.S. State Department has been investigating a shipment of computers and technical equipment to North Korea and Iran by way of an obscure United Nations agency, the Geneva-based World Intellectual Property Organization [WIPO]. Despite ongoing U.N. and U.S. sanctions against both governments aimed at blocking their development of nuclear weapons, WIPO sent 20 Hewlett-Packard Compaq desktop computers to Iran and more sophisticated computers and data-storage servers to North Korea in late 2011 and early 2012.

FOX News reported during the week that WIPO has “has not yet been fully open” to the inquiries, and the State Department is now “working with like-minded countries” to press WIPO’s director general, Francis Gurry, to “conduct an independent, external fact-finding exercise into past WIPO projects in countries under UNSC sanctions” presumably to discover if there are further unpleasant surprises in store, and also to “ensure future development projects are properly reviewed prior to being approved and implemented.”

The broadening inquiry raises new concerns about the ways in which U.N. agencies have managed to sidestep restrictions that the world body expects the rest of the world to obey in halting the spread of sensitive technologies to nuclear-ambitious pariah regimes. It also calls into question how much U.N. member states know about the activities of agencies they supposedly approve and supervise.

Elsewhere in the U.N., a Special Investigation Committee appointed by the Office of Internal Oversight Services has been probing “irregularities” within UNPASID and UNETIDA, the U.N. bodies that police and guard the earth against paranormal and extra-terrestrial threats respectively. After a nine month long investigation the committee say they will be releasing their findings to the UNSC before the end of July.

Source: FOX News

"No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found!"

The National Ocean Service, a subdivision of the US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration [NOAA] was forced to issue an official public statement denying the existence of Mermaids on it's website last week.

Apparently, Discovery Channel presented a special on Mermaids as part of their Animal Planet: Monster Week and the results were somewhat convincing to the US public to raise inquiries concerning the creatures. The BBC reported that the NOA received written requests for information and that Discovery has acknowledged that "the programme was a work of fiction but its wink-and-nod format apparently led some viewers to believe it was a science education show."

In secret, UN officials have cited the incident as a "major blunder" by the paranormal watchdog agency UNPASID who "obviously have failed in their duty to monitor public infomation concerning Merfolk" said William Turner the Deputy UN High Commissioner for Paranormal Affairs. "The last thing we need now is curious fishermen starting a war with Atlantis... ...AGAIN!"

When questioned by press on the subject of Mermaids as a naval activities specialist; Captain "Harpoon" Dutton, KBE, Commander, UNETIDA Naval Tactical Support only enigmatically said "You’ll agree we need to be aware of this."

USA: Liberty, Freedom and Fireworks since 1776

RIP Richard Lynch, the man we loved to hate.

Veteran TV and B-movie villain actor Richard Lynch passed away on Tuesday at his home in Palm Springs, California at 76. Alas Lynch's name may not have been a household one, but his face is instantly recognisable to anyone who watched TV shows in the 80's. His trademarked scarred appearance was as a result of an in LSD incident 1976 when he set himself on fire. After studying at the Actor's Studio he turned his burn scars to his advantage by carving out a prolific career by portraying memorable nemeses of great on-screen heroes. 

The nefarious plans of his villainous characters have been thwarted at one time or another by The A-Team, T.J. Hooker, Matt Houston, Starsky and Hutch, The Fall Guy, Frank Buck, Charlie's Angels, Manimal, Automan, Stringfellow Hawke, Scarecrow and Mrs. King, Jessica Fletcher, Jake and the Fatman and even Chuck Norris himself in the 1985 movie Invasion: USA.

Throughout his career Lynch appeared in more than a whopping 160 movies and television programs. He is well regarded in cult science-fiction circles for portraying Wolfe in the two-part Battlestar Galactica episode "Gun on Ice Planet Zero" (1978), later he was Velosi on Buck Rogers in '79 and later returned to Galactica as Xavier on Galactica '80. In 1993 he starred as antagonist to Captain Picard as Baran in the Star Trek: The Next Generation two-parter "Gambit". He was also no stranger to the fantasy genre and one of his most lauded roles was as the evil King Cromwell in The Sword and the Sorcerer [1982] for which he won a Saturn Award for Best Supporting Actor.

Before acting, Lynch was one of the few and the proud serving in the United States Marine Corps from 1956-1960. He was also a musician and played the saxophone, guitar, piano, and flute. He enjoyed fishing, poetry, and architecture. He held Irish citizenship through his Irish born parents and was a frequent visitor to Ireland. Lynch is survived by his brother Barry and his wife Lily.

Sources: IMDB /Wikipedia

Squid fucks area woman's mouth!

The Journal of Parasitology recently published Penetration of the oral mucosa by parasite-like sperm bags of squid, a scientific paper detailing the ordeal of a 63-year-old Korean woman who "experienced severe pain in her oral cavity immediately after eating a portion of parboiled squid with its internal organs”. Despite expelling the food from her mouth, she still had a "pricking and foreign-body sensation" in her oral cavity. When she was hospitalised, surgeons removed a dozen "small, white spindle-shaped, bug-like organisms stuck in the mucous membrane of the tongue, cheek, and gums." In English - the dead squid's spermatophores were still active, and they'd inseminated the woman's mouth!

Squid a Day’s Danna Staaf explains further: “Each spermatophore includes an ejaculatory apparatus, which can expel the sperm mass quite forcefully, and a cement body for attachment. Of course, neither of those is a needle or a knife—the sort of thing you'd expect to need for actual implantation (into either a female squid or a human mouth).” As no one is quite sure how spermatophores implant themselves into skin, Staaf reveals that “it’s happened to humans more than once.” Staff insists there’s no cause for alarm in Western civilisation as there, squid preparations typically remove the internal organs from squid and leave only the muscle — so no one in the west is in any danger of accidentally ingesting spermatophores. Also, they're not dangerous unless they make contact with a mucous membrane.

“This has easily been one of the more bizarre Extra Terrestrial attacks to cover up” said Colonel “Whopper” Creedon, Acting Director of Intelligence for UNETIDA. “At first UNPASID investigated because as the squid was physically and legally dead,” explained the Colonel, because apparently the fact that it was able to perform functions would normally classify it as undead. The Colonel went on to describe that “… a species of amphibious aliens had found a way to take control of some of the planet’s marine life and have on a number of occasions attempted to impregnate humans, no doubt to create a hybrid man-squid race to take control of the planet.” Colonel Creedon did not disclose exactly how many attacks or attempted impregnations there have been, but he warned that anyone was at risk as cooking the alien-possessed squid would not kill them as they’re suspected to thrive in heated water.

UNETIDA has asked that you contact them on 555-ORALFUKFISH if you believed that a squid may have inseminated your mouth. Please note that the official UNETIDA warning poster was far too grotesque to present here.

Zombies "nothing to worry about"

Major General “Skullcrusher” Shaw, Director of the United Nations Paranormal and Supernatural Interdiction Directorate [UNPASID] in a rare public address at UNHQ New York says that the recent so-called 'flashpoints' being reported in US news media are "Nothing to worry about" and not a sign of either the so-called "Zombie Apocalypse" or "the end of times".

The director recounted the Miami Causeway Cannibal, the worldwide reported attack on Miami, Florida homeless man Ronald Potto by an enraged and naked Rudy Eugene on May 26th as not a case of zombification. The allusions by the media as to being so are considered to be "without merit" and instead the result of the abuse of a synthetic LSD known as "bath-salts".

In Baltimore, Maryland the case where one Alexander Kinyua killed his housemate Kujoe Bonsafo Agyei-Kodie, then ate some of his organs - is being treated as classic cannibalism as opposed to zombification according to General Shaw. On May 31st, in police custody, Kinyua admitted to killing Kodie, cutting him up with a knife and further stated that he consumed Kodie's internal organs -- specifically his heart and portions of his brain.

General Shaw also dismissed reports that Wayne Carter, the 33 year old man who stabbed himself and threw pieces of his skin and intestines at police officers trying to subdue him was a victim of Zombification. He was doing harm to himself, not others "so we haven't even investigated," said Shaw.

The director was very critical of news media irresponsibly reporting older stories with similar gruesome incidents as current events in order to fuel hysteria. One such story, Otty Sanchez's brutal and gruesome murder and dismemberment of her one-month old boy in San Antonio, Texas back in 2009 is being implied as being a recent event by an Associated Press article in circulation to many news outlets worldwide.

It's widely speculated that UNPASID fund zombie and horror movies as UNETIDA do science-fiction media in an effort to subliminally prepare and educate people. To this end, Shaw asked that members of the public exercise common sense in an age where everyone is aware of the threat proposed by a zombie-apocalypse from watching TV shows like The Walking Dead, movies like Zombieland and the Resident Evil series and playing video games like Left 4 Dead. "Quite frankly" said the general, "we do not want you to do fucking stupid shit" like Vitaly Zdorovetskiy who was almost shot for his grossly immature and ill-conceived plan to chase a number of African Americans about dressed as a zombie.

UNPASID's primary role with regard to zombies is of course containment, nullification and eradication. The Centers for Disease Control [CDC] still remains the US Government's arm for preparing the populace for the eventual outbreak. In 2011 the CDC began using using the "apocalypse" in its emergency preparedness blog. It was a success, attracting younger people who ordinarily wouldn't have read the agency's guidance on planning evacuation routes and storing supplies. However last Friday in response to public hysteria, CDC spokesman David Daigle sent an email to the press saying "CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead," he wrote, adding: "(or one that would present zombie-like symptoms.)"

Source: CNN / ABC / FOX News / NSNBC / Ghana Nation / i09

Prometheus: Great 3D, but little else

Mental Health Warning: Prometheus could damage your perception of science fiction in general if not just the Alien franchise. If you must see Prometheus then please wear protective eye wear supplied by the theatre [because if it wasn’t for the 3D this would be a complete waste of effort].

 

Yes indeed, it took him over 30 years but Ridley Scott finally returned to science fiction where he fashioned what many regard as his greatest achievements; Blade Runner and Alien, two very different but equally genre defining and important works in motion picture history. Blade Runner has cinematically remained sequel-less, Scott has on more than one occasion returned to ‘tweak’ it to almost Lucas proportions and it was only in 2007 did he declare it truly complete. It stands today [to the misguided cretins who reject Star Wars] as highest on the list of the the greatest science fiction movies of all time. Alien is on that list too but as a genre-straddling sci-fi/horror movie. Personally I think Alien is a crock of shite. It’s too dark, too slow, there’s not enough interesting dialogue for it’s two-hour runtime and defiantly not enough action. It’s too lopsided on the horror and less on the sci-fi. I dislike ‘survival horror’ in general because it lacks the vision of using superior military firepower to counter a single containable threat.

 

While Blade Runner has remained sequel-less [although that could change], thankfully James Cameron came along in 1986 and corrected Scott’s mistakes with Aliens; creating what would be used as the mould from which an Alien franchise would spawn. Sadly two subsequent sequels Alien 3 and Alien: Resurrection in the 1990's were even worse than the original and regarded as some of the worst movies ever made but we won’t talk about them. 

 

What was most disappointing, was that all the previous groundwork Scott laid and all the stuff  Cameron brought to the table, was either ignored or deliberately shit upon by Scott in Prometheus. In doing so, he has alienated [no pun intended] those that truly follow and admire the franchise by creating a thoroughly incomprehensible "origin" tale which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. It came as no surprise when I learned afterwards that the movie's writer [or is that re-writer?] was Damien Lindelof, one of those "responsible" for lost, and when I say "responsible" I mean as in for a crime against drama not someone who should be receiving accolades for it! The entire plot is such obvious completely idiotic nonsense that even a small child would question it, were it old enough to see this. 

Please understand I'm not going down the road of nitpicking the whole improbable chance of sentient human evolution from a suicidal alien who is basically human in shape as that's a pre-supposition from everything in science fiction, case closed. I'm also not asking why otherwise intelligent characters, would not just run in a 90 degree direction away from the path of a crashing spaceship as opposed to running in the path inertia is obviously going to take it in, because movie characters often do monumentally stupid things. No I just want to know what the whole fucking point of this shit movie was. It's explored tongue in cheek here if you want it spoiled for you.

Is everything in this completely worthless? No, Micheal Fassbender is magic, he did the very best he had with such complete tripe and delivered such a deliciously creepy performance despite being hamstrung by a scriptwriter who obviously didn't know what he was doing, and a director who has smoked one too many cigars. Wheather it was intentional or not Fassbender's android David has more soul than the other bland human characters including protagonist Elizabeth Shaw [Noomi Rapace]. The only thing Scott did right here was the 3D. It wasn't a demonstration of tech like Avatar or it wasn't subdued like Disney's flawed efforts, it was used to a perfect extent to convey true depth and immersion at points where you could appreciate it as being such. A pity it was wasted on such nonsensical tripe.

Final Verdict: What the fuck!? Worst movie of the year is not John Carter.

Colonel Creedon Rating: *

UPDATED: It seems that a suspicion I had was correct. Lindelof came on board Prometheus to change Jon Spaihts screenplay at Scott's demand to remove all the things that made it too Alien-ey, you know all the familiar stuff like facehuggers, chestbursters, eggs, xenomorphs, basically ALL THE STUFF WE FUCKING WANTED, ASSHOLE!!!

Time to kill more bugs!

UNETIDA and UNPASID are investigating either an invasion of extra-terrestrial arachnids or a  dastardly genetic engineering/cloning experiment gone awry in remote remote northeast India.

For the past few weeks, swarms of large jumping and biting venomous spiders have caused panic in  the town of Sadiya in Assam state. On the evening of May 8, as townspeople were celebrating a Hindu festival, swarms of spiders suddenly appeared and attacked them.

Local man Purnakanta Buragohain and an unnamed school boy died after being bitten by the spiders over the following few days. It may be that the victims died after witch doctors used razor blades to drain the wounds and it has not yet been confirmed that the deaths are from from spider poison or from the attempted treatment as the bodies were cremated before autopsies could be done.

Scores more people turned up at the town's hospital with spider bites and another seven bite victims have been treated with antibiotics against infection after they also tried themselves to drain their wounds, said Dr. Anil Phapowali at the local Sadiya town hospital. Local resident Jintu Gogoi spent a day in the hospital complaining of excruciating pain and nausea after being bitten.

Locals say the most terrifying aspect is that spiders appear in swarms and their behavior is highly aggressive. "It leaps at anything that comes close. Some of the victims claimed the spider latched on to them after biting. If that is so, it needs to be dealt with carefully. The chelicerae and fangs of this critter are quite powerful," head of the department of life sciences at Dibrugarh University Dr. L.R. Saikia said. "It looks like a new species. We haven't been able to identify it."

As the spiders were certainly not native to the area and as there is no record of venomous spiders in the region, science and eradication teams from UNETIDA and UNPASID were immediately dispatched to investigate the incidents but have yet to prepare a public report. Brigade General "Boogyman" Rojas, UNPASID Director of Operations has confirmed that his teams of specialists are working with UNETIDA in containing the arachnid threat.

Meanwhile, villagers are keeping lamps on at night and standing guard against spiders entering their mud-and-thatch huts.

Sources: AFP / FOX News

If you ever hear the phrase more than the sum of it’s parts, from now on add “…just like The Avengers!”

Ever since Nick Fury emerged from the shadows of Tony Stark’s mansion after the end credits of the original Iron Man in 2008, we were presented with the reality that The Avengers were coming to town and would appear on screen for the first time. It took six more years, an origin movie for both Thor and Captain America, plus another Iron Man and Hulk movie to set the tone and establish a linear momentum of hype. And boy did it pay off!

When you look at the individual movies, you can see that they were quite extraordinary undertakings. Marvel’s big screen treatment of their beloved comic-book heroes are practically flawless examples of how to treat the superhero genre properly, not in the deplorable fashion that DC Comics has with their movie projects since Batman Forever [Nolan’s sublime Batman efforts excluded of course]. Each Marvel/Paramount movie introduced and/or expanded The Avengers splendidly and wove in a backbone with Nick Fury, Agent Coulson and/or S.H.I.E.L.D. to keep the movies - while separate extraordinary adventures in their own right – part of a glorious cohesive universe much like their source material.

 Chris Evans played his Steve Rogers brilliantly as a man from the past, understanding little about the time he now resides but comes into his own when the going gets tough because the language of war has changed little. Chris Hemsworth turns in a much more serious performance than he did under Brannagh, evoking the responsibility he feels for his younger brother Loki and the Tesseract, unleashing such devastation on an unprepared world. While sadly The Incredible Hulk’s Edward Norton could not reprise his role as Bruce Banner, no one had had anything bad to say about Mark Ruffalo, once presumed to be the weakest link in The Avengers’ chain but who delivered a provocative and sublime performance as a man controlling constant anger, unleashing it only… to SMASH! However, there must be one star that shines above all else and that firmly belonged to Robert Downey Jr. who is now so comfortable in Tony Stark’s shoes it’s difficult to know where Downey ends and Stark begins.

The clandestine extra-governmental security agency S.H.I.E.L.D. were a major part of the movie and provided an array of great supporting characters to the big four. Samuel L. Jackson’s Nick Fury opened the movie leading the now familiar Agent Coulson [Clark Gregg], Clint “Hawkeye” Barton [the intense Jeremy Renner] from Thor and the stunning Scarlet Johansson as Natalia “Black Widow” Romanoff. Stellan Skarsgard returns as Professor Selvig from Thor and Gwyneth Paltrow reprises her role as Pepper Potts as does Paul Bettany as the voice of Jarvis. Joining them for the first time is Cobie Smulders as Agent Maria Hill, S.H.I.E.L.D.’s XO. The exquisitely sinister Tom Hiddleston returns from Thor as Loki but it's soon made clear he's only part of the real threat.

Despite all his groundwork being laid and the usual superhero origin baggage already jettisoned, The Avengers director/screenwriter Joss Whedon’s job was not without obstacles. He had to co-write a tale with such scope as to not only encompass the ideals and personalities of the heroic Avengers but make a epic spectacle worthy of them as a whole. He flawlessly crafted the movie to take advantage of each individual characters personality, power, charm and ethos in such a way that allowed them to amalgamate as one, while retaining what makes each character unique. It's not without merit to say that the greatest worry of fans worldwide was that this could not be accomplished. I do not believe that any character overshadowed another and a fan of any of the characters would be well pleased by the offering here, continuing their adventure and expanding their horizon beyond the realm of what could be expected even by the most ardent fan. Many had their doubts that this could be pulled off in an adequate fashion and that Whedon’s true magic could only be woven on the small screen, but by the time the final credits rolled the nay-sayers were put in their place and few can argue against his phenomenal accomplishment.

This magnificent celluloid spectacle is flawless in every way and I take great pleasure in naming it one of the greatest movies I've ever seen.

Colonel Creedon rating: EXEMPTION GRANTED

The frogs' new boss

As they have precious little to be proud of, the french people today made the best of a rare moment of pride to usher in the 7th president of the Fifth Republic, Francois Hollande. He arrived this morning at the 18th-century Elysee Palace where he was greeted by outgoing president Nicolas Sarkozy and they held a 40-minute private meeting. This meeting is of course to facilitate the transfer of france's nuclear codes and where a representative of UNETIDA would provide him with "The Blue Book".

After taking his oath, Hollande received the insignia of the Grand Croix from Gen. Jean-Louis Georgelin, Great Chancellor of the national order of the Legion of Honour and the necklace of the Great Master of the Order of the Legion of Honor. Each linked medallion of the necklace bears the name of a president, with Hollande's name recently added.

In his first speech, Hollande vowed to fight financial speculation but acknowledged that he inherits huge government debt. He opposes austerity measures championed by Germany in favour of government stimulus. "My mandate is to bring france back to justice, open up a new way in Europe, contribute to world peace and preserve the planet," Mr Hollande said.

Hollande also pledged to bring "dignity" to the presidential role — something voters felt that Sarkozy did not always do. Voters were disappointed over Sarkozy's handling of france's economy — which has high unemployment and low growth — and recoiled at his aggressive personality [and for france - that was saying something!]

After his inauguration, Mr Hollande stood before a military band as it played the french national anthem, La Marseillaise. As with tradition, 21 gun shots were fired above the Invalides that holds Napoleon's tomb. He shook hands with the people before reviewing troops in the palace gardens. Trailed by dozens of Republican Guardsmen on horseback and motorcycle, Hollande's hybrid Citroen DS5 rode up the center of the Champs-Elysees heading for the Arc de Triomphe, and its monument to the unknown soldier.

Hollande plans to leave shortly on his first diplomatic foray — to Berlin, where he is meeting German Chancellor Angela Merkel for a critical meeting on austerity and growth in Europe.

Movie Mini-Reviews - 15-05-12

Cabin In The Woods

Joss Whedon's fan-service film is an interesting take on the "Slasher movie" genre by injecting it with science-fiction. For anyone else this would not work but Whedon manages to pull it off quite successfully. I don't think the mindless simpletons who love horror movies will be too impressed by this though, its far to clever an idea and too well written for them to fully comprehend.

Starring: Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Jessie Williams, Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford; Whedon weaves a tale by where the staple eerie deserted cabin in the middle of nowhere is actually on top of a huge secret government-sanctioned facility with a somewhat nefarious purpose.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ***1/2

Lockout

Once you leave most of your brain at home, this is a very enjoyable B-movie starring Guy L.A. Confidential Pierce as Snow a former CIA Agent sent into an orbital maximum security prison where the inmates are running amok to both clear his name for a crime he didn't commit and to rescue the President's daughter Emilie [Maggie Taken Grace].

When you consider that this movie [with the aid of Luc Besson] was written and directed by two Irish fellas who studied in Dun Laoghaire and never directed a feature film before then you have to be fuckin' impressed. Stephen St. Leger and James Mather previously directed the most incredible short film I've ever seen - Prey Alone and this movie is an extension of the extraordinary budget-conscious ideas they explored in that. I hope to see more from them.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ****

Safe

I respectfully request that a new genre be created henceforth, known as 'The Statham'. 

This will be a sub-genre of the staple action movie but specifically characterised by:

1. starring Jason Statham

and one or more of the caveats:

2. shooting [normally while running and/or jumping]

3. running [normally while shooting]

4. driving [probably while shooting]

Safe will be the most recent offering of the genre which should be retroactively applied to The Transporter [and sequels], Crank and War to name but a few. Provisions should also be made for identifying dual genre Stathams like The Mechanic and Blitz  [Statham/Thriller] and also where there may be elements of superior traditional action not necessarily encompassed by the Statham, such as The Expendables [Statham/Action].

Safe is an excellent Statham.

Colonel Creedon Verdict: ****1/2

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

I did not initially want to see this movie, in part because I knew nothing about it and Mel Gibson's public bigotry is reaching proportions that I'm frankly uncomfortable with. Due to the current level of negative public perception of Gibson in the US, Get The Gringo [as it is known there] is a Video on Demand as opposed to a theatrical release which doesn't inspire confidence. But I guess Gibson's no Roman Polanski or Woody Allen, so when the opportunity to see this came about I said I'd give it a shot. 

It's no secret that Mexico is a practically lawless hellhole [or at least that's the impression I have from watching movies like this and seeing news reports like this] so I was surprised to discover that it even had prisons. After a dramatic chase across the border, Gibson's character finds himself in a unique prison in which the daily life and routine inside is probably better for inmates than people living outside. He befriends the son of another inmate who was killed for his liver, and due to the boy's rare blood type, he too will one day be murdered to prolong the life of the prison's most influential inmate, a Mexican crime boss.

Sadly Gibson is getting far to old to be running and shooting and at 55 is a little unconvincing here. I recall him saying that he didn't want to be a film star anymore and would act only if the script was good enough. Yes, he co-wrote this movie! Nevertheless, this is certainly a different take on the prison-movie genre and was very well paced and judged by first time director Adrian Grunberg who was Gibson's 1stAD on Apocalypto. The action scenes were thankfully unstylised in keeping with a realistic tone and I was well impressed at seeing someones eyeball explode through sunglasses that shattered - I can't recall seeing that before. I doubt this was supported by the Mexican tourist board.

Colonel Creedon Verdict: ***1/2

Happy Lucas Day

Happy Birthday George!

$1000 Scientific Gold could be a potential Alien Threat!

A meteor the size of a minivan exploded over northern California on the morning of April 22nd raining tiny fragments of a rare type of meteorite debris down over the Sierra Nevada towns of Coloma and Lotus. Since then, much like the gold rush that took place there over 150 years ago, people have flocked to the area in the hope of collecting some fragments which on the open market could fetch over $1000!

“People used to pull the gold out of the ground. Now, things fall out of the sky,” NASA research astrophysicist Scott Sandford said. “Lucky place, I guess.” The meteor fragments are the first of their kind to fall to the Earth since the '60's and the particles inside are older than the sun itself so they are of extreme importance to scientists.

CM type carbonaceous chondrite fragment. Photo credit: Earthweek

Robert Ward a 35-year-old professional meteorite hunter and dealer, drove for 16 hours and spotted a dark space pebble in the parking lot where he finally stopped. He immediately recognized it as carbonaceous chondrite, meteorites containing water and carbon — scientific gold to those studying the beginnings of the universe. "I was trembling," Ward said. "It's the rarest of the rare. It's older than the sun. It holds the building blocks of life."

“Oh they hold life alright!” said Dr. “Quantum” Pataal, Director of UNETIDA Research and Development “but not the kind we want living here!” But if UNETIDA know that the fragments could be potentially dangerous, then why allow them to be picked up and traded by civilians? “We used to have the budget for media warnings where we would claim that meteorites were ‘highly irradiated’ and have collection teams scan the area to pick them up,” said  Colonel “Whopper” Creedon, Acting Director of Intelligence for UNETIDA. Sadly in a clear sign that military funding for propaganda campaigns and scientific research was running dry; Creedon revealed that UNETIDA are basically using the civilian gatherers as potential bait for alien spores that are suspected to be inside the fragments. Creedon offered that instead of trying to collect all the meteorites themselves, it’s much easier for UNETIDA to hunt down whatever the alien spores transform the meteorite collectors into, as well as being “a lot more fun!”

Sources: CNN / L.A. Times / BBC News

Joel Goldsmith 1957-2012

It's with regret that I must announce the passing of  Joel Goldsmith, TV, Film and Video Game music composer and eldest son of the legendary Jerry Goldsmith. Goldsmith [54] died of cancer on Sunday, at his home in Hidden Hills, California.

Goldsmith's early work was deep into the electronic range of the late 70's early 80's and he earned his mark as an arranger for composer Richard Band before scoring The Man With Two Brains in '83. His father had him produce Jerry's first electronic score Runaway in '84. Their collaboration included some 20 minutes of additional music for Jerry's sublime score to Star Trek: First Contact in 1996. Among the other movies which benefit from his work are Moon 44 from 1990 which was his first symphonic score and Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence ['93] but Kull the Conqurer ['97] with a big, bold symphonic score is probably his best known movie work.

He was one of the first well known movie and TV composers to make the jump to video games when they began to cease using 16-bit audio when he scored the TCN News reports for the cutscenes for Tom Clancy's SSN for Simon and Schuster Interactive. He later scored Call of Duty 3 in 2006.

Later in his career Joel turned to TV scoring having dabbled with The Untouchables series from 1993 and The Outer Limits in 1997. He found his niche and international fame when he supplemented David Arnold's Stargate theme for the Stargate: SG-1 TV series pilot in 1997 and was kept on for 10 seasons scoring 217 episodes between 1997 and 2007. He also composed the theme and episodic music for both Stargate: Atlantis, Stargate: Universe and the Stargate: SG-1 DTV movies.

Joel Goldsmith sadly needed more time to leave the mark his father did on music as a whole but his life was tragically cut short before he could get there. If any of you heard his deeply emotional and atmospheric music from Stargate: Universe you will know he was at a turning point in his creativity and was on the road to true brilliance. Nonetheless he can rest rest in peace knowing that his contributions, especially to science fiction fans will live on. We don't forget people easily.