Thursday, June 14, 2012

Zombies "nothing to worry about"

Major General “Skullcrusher” Shaw, Director of the United Nations Paranormal and Supernatural Interdiction Directorate [UNPASID] in a rare public address at UNHQ New York says that the recent so-called 'flashpoints' being reported in US news media are "Nothing to worry about" and not a sign of either the so-called "Zombie Apocalypse" or "the end of times".

The director recounted the Miami Causeway Cannibal, the worldwide reported attack on Miami, Florida homeless man Ronald Potto by an enraged and naked Rudy Eugene on May 26th as not a case of zombification. The allusions by the media as to being so are considered to be "without merit" and instead the result of the abuse of a synthetic LSD known as "bath-salts".

In Baltimore, Maryland the case where one Alexander Kinyua killed his housemate Kujoe Bonsafo Agyei-Kodie, then ate some of his organs - is being treated as classic cannibalism as opposed to zombification according to General Shaw. On May 31st, in police custody, Kinyua admitted to killing Kodie, cutting him up with a knife and further stated that he consumed Kodie's internal organs -- specifically his heart and portions of his brain.

General Shaw also dismissed reports that Wayne Carter, the 33 year old man who stabbed himself and threw pieces of his skin and intestines at police officers trying to subdue him was a victim of Zombification. He was doing harm to himself, not others "so we haven't even investigated," said Shaw.

The director was very critical of news media irresponsibly reporting older stories with similar gruesome incidents as current events in order to fuel hysteria. One such story, Otty Sanchez's brutal and gruesome murder and dismemberment of her one-month old boy in San Antonio, Texas back in 2009 is being implied as being a recent event by an Associated Press article in circulation to many news outlets worldwide.

It's widely speculated that UNPASID fund zombie and horror movies as UNETIDA do science-fiction media in an effort to subliminally prepare and educate people. To this end, Shaw asked that members of the public exercise common sense in an age where everyone is aware of the threat proposed by a zombie-apocalypse from watching TV shows like The Walking Dead, movies like Zombieland and the Resident Evil series and playing video games like Left 4 Dead. "Quite frankly" said the general, "we do not want you to do fucking stupid shit" like Vitaly Zdorovetskiy who was almost shot for his grossly immature and ill-conceived plan to chase a number of African Americans about dressed as a zombie.

UNPASID's primary role with regard to zombies is of course containment, nullification and eradication. The Centers for Disease Control [CDC] still remains the US Government's arm for preparing the populace for the eventual outbreak. In 2011 the CDC began using using the "apocalypse" in its emergency preparedness blog. It was a success, attracting younger people who ordinarily wouldn't have read the agency's guidance on planning evacuation routes and storing supplies. However last Friday in response to public hysteria, CDC spokesman David Daigle sent an email to the press saying "CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead," he wrote, adding: "(or one that would present zombie-like symptoms.)"

Source: CNN / ABC / FOX News / NSNBC / Ghana Nation / i09


Declan said...

Well they would say that wouldn't they, as they weld the doors of the bunker shut behind them

Civilian Overseer said...

Deco, has Resident Evil taught you nothing?, being sealed inside a bunker during a zombie attack is the last thing any sane person should want. shakes head in bewilderment

Master Guns said...

You guys are doing a crap job of claiming Zombies ain't real. Hell there's some kind of training for the Zompocalypse happening in Maine!