Thursday, June 21, 2012

Squid fucks area woman's mouth!

The Journal of Parasitology recently published Penetration of the oral mucosa by parasite-like sperm bags of squid, a scientific paper detailing the ordeal of a 63-year-old Korean woman who "experienced severe pain in her oral cavity immediately after eating a portion of parboiled squid with its internal organs”. Despite expelling the food from her mouth, she still had a "pricking and foreign-body sensation" in her oral cavity. When she was hospitalised, surgeons removed a dozen "small, white spindle-shaped, bug-like organisms stuck in the mucous membrane of the tongue, cheek, and gums." In English - the dead squid's spermatophores were still active, and they'd inseminated the woman's mouth!

Squid a Day’s Danna Staaf explains further: “Each spermatophore includes an ejaculatory apparatus, which can expel the sperm mass quite forcefully, and a cement body for attachment. Of course, neither of those is a needle or a knife—the sort of thing you'd expect to need for actual implantation (into either a female squid or a human mouth).” As no one is quite sure how spermatophores implant themselves into skin, Staaf reveals that “it’s happened to humans more than once.” Staff insists there’s no cause for alarm in Western civilisation as there, squid preparations typically remove the internal organs from squid and leave only the muscle — so no one in the west is in any danger of accidentally ingesting spermatophores. Also, they're not dangerous unless they make contact with a mucous membrane.

“This has easily been one of the more bizarre Extra Terrestrial attacks to cover up” said Colonel “Whopper” Creedon, Acting Director of Intelligence for UNETIDA. “At first UNPASID investigated because as the squid was physically and legally dead,” explained the Colonel, because apparently the fact that it was able to perform functions would normally classify it as undead. The Colonel went on to describe that “… a species of amphibious aliens had found a way to take control of some of the planet’s marine life and have on a number of occasions attempted to impregnate humans, no doubt to create a hybrid man-squid race to take control of the planet.” Colonel Creedon did not disclose exactly how many attacks or attempted impregnations there have been, but he warned that anyone was at risk as cooking the alien-possessed squid would not kill them as they’re suspected to thrive in heated water.

UNETIDA has asked that you contact them on 555-ORALFUKFISH if you believed that a squid may have inseminated your mouth. Please note that the official UNETIDA warning poster was far too grotesque to present here.

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