Everything’s going to be alright

The Disney Corporation has had very few successful original ideas in the past 20 years. They fail epically when left to their own devices, but when dealing with the established franchises created by the likes of Pixar and Marvel, who both retain a measure of creative control, it’s obvious that great magic can be woven.

Case in point, The Avengers was languishing in limbo for years but it must be acknowledged that it was under Disney’s banner that Marvel were finally able to bring to fruition what everyone hoped The Avengers movie would be – one of the greatest movies in cinema history.

Star Wars may be in a completely different ballpark to anything Disney have dealt with before but that doesn’t mean they can’t handle it. Sure, many people know Buzz Lightyear and can probably name a Marvel superhero [if they're told Batman and Superman are not Marvel superheroes] but Star Wars is bigger than all that - it's arguably as big as Disney itself!

Every living being on the planet knows something about Star Wars. It is not just a lucrative franchise, it is an international phenomenon, a way of life, a religion, and yes - at it's core - a cash cow that will never run dry - it is an empire and one that it's creator and emperor has sought to house somewhere where he believes it will flourish before he relinguishes his crown. As he is infallible, we must abide by his decision.

Disney should put everything they have now into Star Wars [but leave some energy for Marvel sequels and new character-movies, we still want them too] and forget all of the shit they make with Nicholas Cage and any more Pirates of the Caribbean sequels etc. - no one wants to see more of them.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me during this crisis, I have drawn strength from your own positivity and I will bring you all further developments in this wondrous new chapter in the world's history as I have them.

Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?

Didn't Disney already try to make Star Wars?

Yes they did, quite recently in fact! And look how that turned out!

  

ARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL SOMEONE!!!!!!!!!!

Disney to aquire Lucasfilm

NOOOOOOOOOOO! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!!!!

Disney chief Robert Iger, left, and Star Wars creator George Lucas handle some paperwork.
Photo courtesy The Walt Disney Company

They can't make Episode VII.

This isn't real.

This isn't happening!

Marine stars rise as Army stars fall

President Obama has nominated Marine Gen. John Allen, commander of U.S. Forces and NATO International Security Assistance Forces in Afghanistan to succeed Navy Adm. Jim Stavridis as the next Supreme Allied Commander Europe and commander of U.S. European Command in the spring. “For more than a year, General Allen has served with distinction … seeing us through a critical period in our military efforts and in Afghanistan’s transition,” the president said in a statement. “I have personally relied on his counsel and am grateful for his devotion to our national security and to the safety of the men and women with whom he serves. Under General Allen’s command, we have made important progress towards our core goal of defeating al Qaida and ensuring they can never return to a sovereign Afghanistan. Working with our Afghan partners and international civilians, the forces under General Allen’s command have moved forward with a transition to Afghan Security Forces, who will take the lead for security across the country next year.”

General Allen [L], SecDef Panetta [C] and General Dunford [R]

The president also nominated a successor for Allen, the current Assistant Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Joseph Dunford. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta said Dunford “…is combat-tested. He believes in ISAF, and if confirmed, will be an extraordinary leader of it. … and will lead our forces through key milestones in our effort that will allow us to bring the war to a close responsibly as Afghanistan takes full responsibility for its security.” “Fighting Joe” Dunford led Regimental Combat Team 5 during the initial invasion of Iraq in 2003, I MEF at Pendleton and MARCENT before being elevated to the USMC’s #2 officer in 2010. While he has not served a combat tour in Afghanistan, he tracked combat operations while commanding MARCENT and is described by colleagues as intelligent, decisive and someone who can get the job done.

While Allen has been approved by NATO already, both his and Dunford’s nominations must be confirmed by the Senate to take effect. Lieutenant Generals John Paxton, George Flynn and Robert Schmidle are rumoured to be in the running to succeed General Dunford.

In contrast there is less fortunate news reported for some U.S. Army generals this month; General William “Kip” Ward former head of U.S. Africa Command is accused of spending tens of thousands of taxpayer dollars on lavish travel and other expenses according to an Inspector General’s report. The report found that Ward used military vehicles to shuttle his wife on shopping trips and to a spa and billed the government for a refuelling stop overnight in Bermuda, where the couple stayed in a $750 suite. The report detailed lengthy stays at lavish hotels for the 4-Star, his wife and his staff members, and the use of five-vehicle motorcades when he travelled to Washington. It also said Ward and his wife accepted dinner and Broadway show tickets from a government contractor during a trip during which he went backstage to meet actor Denzel Washington. The couple and several staff members also spent two nights at the Waldorf Astoria hotel. Officials have argued that the allegations made against Ward in report were very serious and that senior officers need to be held accountable. Panetta's options regarding Ward are limited however, he can only demote Ward and force him to retire as a three-star lieutenant general costing Ward nearly $30,000 a year in retirement pay.

General Ward [L] and Brigadider General Sinclair [R]

Elsewhere, Army Brigadier General Jeffrey Sinclair, former 82nd Airborne Division's deputy commanding general for support in southern Afghanistan, stands accused of forcible sodomy, wrongful sexual conduct, attempted violation of an order, wrongfully engaging in inappropriate relationships, misusing a government travel charge card, violating general orders by possessing alcohol and pornography while deployed, mistreating subordinates, filing fraudulent claims, engaging in conduct unbecoming an officer and a gentleman, and engaging in conduct prejudicial to good order and discipline. Under military law, he may be able to ask the secretary of the Army for permission to retire rather than face possible court-martial. “Often, leadership elects to punish an officer outside of a court-martial,” said Lt.Col. Victor Hansen, a retired JAG lawyer said, “but the announcement of the charges against Sinclair shows investigators are taking this case seriously.”

Sources: Stars & Stripes / Military.com / Defense.gov

Looper is loopy

In the 19th century a Danish bloke called Hans Christian Andersen wrote a story about a vain Emperor who hires two weavers that promise him the finest suit of clothes from a fabric invisible to anyone who is hopelessly stupid. The Emperor cannot see the cloth himself, but pretends that he can for fear of appearing unfit for his position. When the swindlers 'finish' the suit, they mime dressing him and the Emperor marches in procession before his subjects, who play along with the pretense, until a child in the crowd, too young to understand, cries out, "But he isn't wearing anything at all!"

Coming out of the movie I felt a bit like the child pointing at the Emperor, not because I'm too young to understand but because I understand all too clearly that this was nonsense. Heading into the long hyped Looper there's a gigantic poster in the cinema with 5-Star 'outstanding' ratings from UK film magazines Total Film and Empire with the former saying that it's "The best sci-fi movie since Moon. The best time-travel yarn since 12 Monkeys. And one of the best films of 2012." Another quote was "This decade's The Matrix." No, Looper is the most ridiculously over-hyped over-rated movie since Avatar [and lacks the astounding spectacle of revolutionary 3D presentation that makes that movie worth it]. It's as big a let down as Prometheus which promised us so much but delivered so little. Total Film had it slightly wrong with that last one - it isn't this decade's The Matrix [that was Inception], Looper is more like this decade's The Matrix: Revolutions.

In Looper, Joeseph Gordon-Levitt plays Joe, a "Looper" a hitman in Kansas in 2044. He's not a great hitman, all he really has to do is shoot blindfolded individuals who are sent back by the mob from 30 years into the future because they can't dispose of bodies then. It's inevitable that one day you will eventually "close your loop" by executing yourself. One day Joe from the future [Bruce Willis] is sent back, young Joe recognises him and hesitates to shoot so old Joe escapes. Young Joe must give chase because the only way for him to be free to live his life is to kill old Joe. Trust me - this is the part of the movie that actually makes sense and is the part I enjoyed. Both Gordon-Levitt and Willis give wonderful performances, especially Gordon-Levitt's movie-long imitation of Willis' mannerisms which must have been difficult to maintain. In fairness however, we could have done without his distracting make up - if we can believe River Phoenix is young Indy in The Last Crusade then imitation is good enough for an audience.

The rest of the cast are extraordinarily well judged. Jeff The Newsroom Daniels, Piper Covert Affairs Perabo and Tracey Death Proof Thomas also star. Sara [Emily The Adjustment Bureau Blunt] is a farmer taking care of her special telekinetic little boy Cid (although it would be better if he was called Damien). It's actually this extraordinary youngfella Pierce Gagnon who surely can't be 10 years old who steals the show and provides some levity in contrast to his purpose in the movie. Movie patrons blessed with memory however will recognise Garret Dillahunt channelling his Chromartie role from Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles as a mob enforcer.

As an action movie is comes across quite well, the chase scenes and stunt work were excellent and the special effects were pretty good for a movie that was made with a paltry [in Hollywood terms] $30m. The design elements of this movie made it feel like some sort of social commentary on the world today. Writer/director Rian Johnson obviously ascribes to the social/economic collapse of the west idea but perhaps it's a design choice that both fits his vision as well as the limitations of his budget. It explains why weapon designs are pretty much 2012's [unlike the daftness of using modern weapons in Total Recall] and why people are driving about in modern vehicles with solar panels. The most bizarre and intriguing notion is reference to The Vagrant Wars which suggest that at some point between now an 2044, hordes of armed vagrants will assist, or perhaps are a result of the economic collapse. Nevertheless, I'm certain it won't keep people awake at night in the same way Star Wars fans speculated on The Clone Wars between 1977 and 2002.

Okay, so what's really wrong with this whole movie and why is it not so great as the misguided critics are shouting from the rooftops? Well it's really the use of science and science-fiction in this movie is what lets it down big time. Basically the concept is sound, tried and tested for years but the execution here is so ludicrous and it blatantly contradicts itself so much and asks so many unanswerable questions that it makes Brannon Braga's most insane Star Trek plots seem perfectly plausible by comparison. I'm not saying that every other example of time-tavel paradox science-fiction is flawless, some if it is far from it, but seriously there was stuff which is created here for the purposes of the story [which is fine] that were blatantly contradicted during the movie [excessively lazy writing].

Sadly I don't think I can cohesively convey all the issues I had with these elements of Looper which 'control' the whole story without spoiling the whole thing which I will not do so I will discuss it in the comments if you so wish - so don't read the comments until you've seen it. Let's lets just say for now that during the course of this grand spectacle of cinema - nothing actually happens. The biggest let down is the ending - I'd honestly have an easier job of being an apologist for the ending of the 2000 Dungeons & Dragons movie or even the ending of the Mass Effect 3 video game this year than I would for this woeful, pointless climax.

Final Verdict: Not without excitement and great performances but devoid of a cohesive plot and contradicts every idea it sets up. The sad truth is that this movie does so much wrong it's distracting from what's right. I regret to tell you that you're better off with the Terminator movies or fuck it even Timecop is better time-travel sci-fi than this.

Colonel Creedon rating:  **1/2

No one is killed softly in Killing Them Softly

There is a multitude of alternative timelines that were created where I did not choose to see this movie and I regret not being in one now. I had nothing else scheduled, a special operation I was on call for had been shelved by some nervous politician ahead of election day in November and I had nothing else planned so I went with it. I just looked up the running time for this and there's no way in hell until I see the DVD/BD time counter for this tediously long-drawn out movie, that I will believe it was only 97 mins. This will remain unresolved in my head because trust me, I'll never chose to watch this ever again. 

Brad Pitt plays Jackie a mob hit man sent in to investigate the robbery of an underground card-came run by Markie [Ray Goodfellas Liotta]. The robbery was masterminded by Johnny [Vincent The Sopranos Curatola] and carried out by Frankie and Russell [Scoot McNairy and Ben Mendelsohn]. Johnny's plan was to frame Markie for robbing his own game because Markie had actually robbed his own game some years back. Jackie's solution is to kill everyone involved but can't kill Johnny because he knows him (and that gets messy) so he gets Micky [James Gandolfini] to fly in to take care of that part. Let's just say things don't go as planned.

Andrew Dominik is a writer/director who has made a couple of movies that I don't know anything about since 2000. It's obvious he idolises both Scorsese and Tarantino but based on this shit he has none of their talent, wit or judgement. He shoved what must have been a 500 page rambling shooting script into the face of such screen gems as Pitt, Gandofini, Liotta and Richard Stepbrothers Jenkins and must have directed them to "say this as if you're just making it up on the spot". Bloody hell, the talking heads, the monologues and anecdotes were fucking endless.

The woefully few action sequences I woke up for were brutal and violent [especially a drive by shooting] earning this movie a star. The other star going to Liotta and Pitt's performances alone as the others were either under utilised [Sam Shepard is worth more than 40 seconds dumb ass] or over exposed [yes that's Gandofini playing yet another jaded gangster again].

The story was good if a little comedy-caper-ish but it worked. Sadly what I found was really the worst part of this was the endless social commentary in the background. Every TV or radio in the movie played select speeches/debates being delivered by presidential candidates Obama and McCain. It's obvious that Dominik had something to say about... politics? banking? corporations? something... but veiling it behind a simplistic mobster story was absolutely the wrong way to do it because it went completely over my head. If you want to be clever Andrew, you have to be clever, and you're not, so try again in another six or seven years.

Final Verdict: Good shootings, but far too much yapping. Good actors but mediocre performances. Good plot but incomprehensible message.

Colonel Creedon Rating: **

Naked Assailant [18] Blown Away on College Campus - Part 20 in my "Shoot First, Questions Never" series!

A University of Alabama Campus police officer shot and killed a naked student early on Saturday morning. The officer had left the police station to investigate a loud banging noise on his window at 01:23 CT when he was confronted by a muscular, nude man who was "acting erratically".

Gilbert Thomas Collar [18], of Wetumpka, Alabama, repeatedly rushed and verbally challenged the officer in a fighting stance. The officer drew his weapon and ordered Collar to halt as he retreated from him in repeated attempts to diffuse the situation. However, Collar continued to press toward the officer in a threatening manner - the college freshman weighed 135lbs and was 5' 7" with a wrestler's build. He knelt for a moment, rose again, and chased the officer who continued to retreat away from the building. After continuously rushing at the officer in a threatening manner and ignoring the repeated commands to stop, the officer discharged his weapon striking "the chest of the assailant," according to a statement from the school. "The individual fell to the ground, but he got up once more and continued to challenge the officer further before collapsing and expiring."

In the Gulf Coast city of Mobile, the student's mother Bonnie said she could not understand how a six-year varsity wrestler and good-natured teenager could have died under such strange and sad circumstances. "He was wearing no clothes and he was obviously not in his right mind," she said. "No one said that he had attacked anybody, and obviously he was not armed. He was completely naked." One of his friends Chris Estes wrote: "Gil was a very 'chill' guy, mellow and easy going... I've never seen aggression in him, especially not towards a cop."

The District Attorney's Office will conduct an external investigation, and the Mobile County Sheriff's Department will assist. The police officer involved in the shooting has been placed on paid administrative leave pending the outcome of internal and external reviews.

Verdict: Not as sure about this as I was last time. Collar was not wielding a weapon [nor could he have had one concealed]. When someone is rushing you like that the easiest solution is to use their own momentum against them. Was the cop alone in the station? Could he not retreated inside the building until backup arrived? Need more details to pass judgement right now.

Source: CNN / Fox

Crikey The Sweeney is the dogs bollocks!

Unlike the success that a TV cop show like Miami Vice enjoyed for years here and in the UK, I'm pretty sure that few people in the U.S. have ever heard of, let alone seen The Sweeney. You're forgiven, like Vice, it's a great for it's time but awful for today. It was a hard-hitting British cop show from the mid 1970's that starred John Inspector Morse Thaw as Jack Regan and Dennis Minder Waterman as George Carter; members of the elite "flying squad" [a police unit that operates with no district boundaries] otherwise known as The Sweeney [rhyming slang calls the flying squad 'Sweeney Todd']. The series featured a plethora of famous guest stars in it's 3 year run including John Hellboy Hurt, Joss Lethal Weapon 2 Ackland, Brian Flash Gordon Blessed, John Lord of the Rings Rhys-Davies, Julian The Empire Strikes Back Glover and even Maureen The Pianist Lipman.

If you've seen The Sweeney series, you'll be pleased to learn that this re imagining is pretty much like the re-imagining of Miami Vice [a movie that has my favourite mouth shot] insofar as only the names of the characters bear any resemblance to the original. Ray The Departed Winstone [who also had a minor villain role in the original series] took up the mantle of DI Regan while Ben Drew [rapper Plan B] took the role of DC Carter. Damien Homeland Lewis had the role of their ever suffering boss Detective Chief Inspector Frank Haskins.

The movie opens with the flying squad coming down hard [with baseball bats] on a warehouse  robbery in progress. Following their success, albeit with a tremendous amount of collateral damage, the team celebrate. Regan buys off a snout (informant) [the incomparable Alan Snatch Ford] with some of the gold that "went missing" from the warehouse. Internal Investigations officer DCI Ivan Lewis [Steven Underworld: Rise of the Lycans Mackintosh] however mounts an inquiry into the actions of Regan and the squad although it's revealed he has more of a personal vendetta because he knows Regan has been shagging [having sexual relations with] his wife DC Nancy Lewis [Hayley Captain America: The First Avenger Atwell]. Regan doesn't have time to worry about that because he gets a tip-off about a planned robbery on a bank, while a jewellery store robbery leaves £200k of jewellery in the hands of a dangerous criminal, and one otherwise innocent civilian dead.

British crime drama plots are excessively detailed, researched and sometimes convoluted to the point of boredom or distraction and I think The Sweeney's certainly falls into this trap if you happen to concentrate too hard on it. So it may be best not to. Thankfully the action is fast and furious, interrogations are brutal and there's a lot of "excessive force" used, enough to be honest, to distract you from said plot. There's probably a few things you can't suspend disbelief for however and one was the grotesquely ridiculous 'relationship' between a picturesque beauty like Atwell [29] and Ray Winstone [55] who has the physique of Oliver Reed before his death. People were either cringing or snickering in disbelief at their love scene.

I've heard of Nick Love's vigilante movie Outlaw back in 2007 around the time of it's release but The Sweeney is the first of his movies that I've seen. So based on this I think he did a bloody fine job of it all. The man created a quintessentially British, thoroughly enjoyable action crime drama with a budget of £3m which in technical terms is low budget. Both the car chases and foot pursuits are up there with Ronin and Heat and keep you glued fast to the action. Kudos to the director, editor and the DP for such a lavishly shot movie that you don't often see coming from the UK. Dynamic and noteworthy Scottish composer Lorne Ironclad Balfe, one of Hans Zimmer's Remote Control music monkeys provided what I must label as one of the finest scores of the year.

Final Verdict: Despite an overarching plot and a few writing miss-steps, The Sweeney features excellent lead performances in a thoroughly entertaining movie that bears little or no resemblance to it's progenitor. Now, shut it you slags, an' go watch it!

Colonel Creedon Rating: ****1/2

Japan has nothing to worry about

 

The first ever Chinese Aircraft Carrier formally entered service this week, underscoring the nation’s ambitions to be a leading Asian naval power. While the Laoning lacks aircraft and won’t be combat ready for the foreseeable future, the Defence Ministry’s long expected announcement said that the carrier’s commissioning significantly boosted the navy's combat capabilities and its ability to cooperate in responding to natural disasters and other non-traditional threats. A statement said: "It has important significance in effectively safeguarding national sovereignty, security, and development benefits, and advancing world peace and common development."

China has been the only member of the permanent five nations of the UN Security Council not to have an aircraft carrier in service until the launch of the Liaoning. It is understood that the Chinese had a serious case of NPE 'Naval Penis Envy' considering that the U.S. has always maintained an Asian presence with at least one of their 11 gigantic aircraft carriers. In addition, UNETIDA the UN body that is responsible for protecting the planet from Extra Terrestrial threats oft cited China’s deficiency in naval air power as a issue for the defence of Asia in its annual regional defence reports.

President Hu Jintao, presided over the Liaoning’s commissioning ceremony on Tuesday morning at the ship's home port of Dalian, along with Premier Wen Jiabao and top generals and admirals. Hu called on the crew to complete all remaining tasks according to the highest standard. The carrier's political importance was highlighted in Premier Wen's remarks to the ceremony, in which he said it would "arouse national pride and patriotic passion."

The vessel is actually the former Soviet navy's unfinished Varyag, towed from Ukraine in 1998 minus its engines, weaponry and navigation systems. Following years of refurbishment at Dalian it began trial runs in 2011 to test the ship's propulsion, communications and navigation. Launching and recovering aircraft at sea however will be its greatest operational obstacle ahead of the years required to build the proper aircraft, train pilots and to develop a carrier battle group. Ambitiously the Liaoning has also been portrayed as a kind of test platform for the future development of up to five Chinese designed and built carriers.

Source: Fox News

No need to dread Dredd

Unlike the Total Recall remake, this Dredd is not a re-imagining of the 1995 Judge Dredd movie but of the 2000AD comic book source material. Sadly for a lot of people, Sylvester Stallone as Judge Dredd in Danny Cannon’s exceptionally flawed but thoroughly entertaining adaptation of the iconic British comic-book anti-hero is all they know of the character. While the look of the 1995 production was very crisp and it’s comic book origins were clearly obvious in everything from the design of Mega-City One itself to the costumes because they remained faithful to the artistic depiction; Stallone however, slammed a black mark against it by removing Dredd’s helmet about 20 minutes in, irking all fans everywhere. As much as I enjoyed it for a popcorn movie, I was not very upset when I discovered my copy of it succumbed to the otherwise dreaded DVD rot!

A new Judge Dredd movie concept had been bandied about for a while, once it was clear that there’d by no sequel to Cannon/Stallone’s effort. Eventually details emerged which cast Karl Doom/Star Trek Urban as the futuristic lawman but interestingly in a low-budget independent British production to be shot in South Africa. This intrigued everyone of course; people want Dredd on screen more than most other comic book characters - but surely not without the detailed neon and grime filled futuristic setting of Mega City One enabled only by several hundred million dollars today? If we had to lose that then there would have to be a story of such exceptional quality, strong characters and/or excessive violence for us to ignore the low budget shortcomings. Did we get that? No, but close. I do think we got was a thematically superior movie that certainly sated the lust for violence all true Dredd fans have.

 

The plot to this movie is exceedingly simple: street judge veteran Judge Dredd and his new psychic 'mutie' young rookie partner Anderson [Olivia Thirlby] are sent to investigate a triple-homicide in the lovely sounding 'Peach Tree' block, a 200-floor tower filled with normal everyday citizens and naturally a generous helping of depraved scum and villainy. After arresting a suspect, the block's criminal overlord Ma-Ma initiates a lock down of the building until the judges are captured or killed prompting everyone in the building with a weapon to hunt them down. The judges, without much hope of rescue must play a game of cat and mouse survival to obtain their freedom. 

Urban delivers a near-perfect representation of Dredd from the comic books. His voice is pretty much what can be expected, Urban's own variation of Eastwood much in the same vein as Bale did Batman. He managed to make "I'm the law" a more character defining statement than Stallone's "I am the Law" which, while is the more correct phrase, was delivered as a laughable punchline in comparison to Urban's gravitas. Urban was emphatic about keeping Dredd's helmet on and fans will be pleased to know that it's never taken off. This lead the actor to have the unenviable task of acting the entire movie with just his mouth and vocal inflections. The fact that Dredd has never been one for smiling, laughing or positive emotion for that matter - meant that Urban had pretty much to portray the character with a half dozen different types of scowl.

 

Dredd also starred Lena Game of Thrones Heady who delivers a terrific performance as the criminal master-mind Ma-Ma, a former prostitute who was disfigured by her pimp before she killed him and took control of her own empire. Thirlby who has been doing movies I've only vaguely heard of since 2006 was a great Cassandra Anderson, eager to prove herself to her mentor Dredd. Doctor Who and Holby City's Rakie Ayola turns in a cameo as a Chief Judge. 

Alex 28 Days Later Garland began writing Dredd in 2006, over two years before the movie's announcement. Pete Vantage Point Travis who is also well regarded as the director of the acclaimed 1994 TV movie Omagh, took the helm of Dredd and brought a very different style to the project that one would have expected. His work on Endgame in South Africa in 2008 obviously prompted him to perceive a new vision for MC1 which he has now brought to the screen. Design wise however I must level my most major criticism with this movie. Mega City One unfortunately did not seem all that "mega". I knew that due to the small budget we'd not see anything close to a faithful representation of MC1 from the strip but it is such a central core element of Dredd that I feel that there is something huge missing from the movie. I don't think an orchestral score would have fit this at all, so no Alan Silvestri, but felt Paul Leonard Limitless Morgan's choice of representing the score with industrialised sequencing was poor.

 

There are glaringly obvious similarities between this movie and this year's earlier video-game-like killing fest The Raid. While The Raid may have been released first, development and principal photography of Dredd predates it. There's also no doubt that The Raid was a woefully disappointing mess at least to people who know what they're talking about, while Dredd has actual character development, a plot, real acting, cohesive direction and has Gatling guns.

Final Verdict: Extremely violent and faithful take on a day in the life of Judge Dredd.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ****

No quarter for a quartered man - Part 19 in my "Shoot First, Questions Never" series!

After a hiatus of over two years since the ultra-controversial Part 18 I've finally found a story to top it!

On Saturday, Houston police officer Matthew Jacob Marin shot and killed Brian Claunch, an aggressive pen-wielding wheelchair-bound one-armed, one-legged man in a group home.

 

Police said the double amputee [left] threatened a police officer and belligerently brandished a metal object about. While in his wheelchair, Claunch confronted and cornered the officer and made threats. He came "within inches to a foot" of the officer and did not follow instructions to calm down and remain still. When Claunch produced a metal object and began to make stabbing motions at the officer, Officer Marin, the officer's partner discharged his weapon and fatally shot the suspect.

 

At the time, the officer did not know what the metal object was that the man was waving, a police spokesperson said. The object was later revealed to be a ballpoint pen.

 

The officers had been called to the home after a caretaker there called and reported that Claunch was causing a disturbance. He had a history of mental illness, several previous drug-related convictions and he lost a leg above the knee and all of one arm when he was hit by a train. "He sometimes would go off a bit, but you just ignore it," group home owner John Garcia told the press.

 

Officer Marin, is a five-year veteran of the department. In 2009 he also fatally shot a suspect when he came upon a man stabbing his neighbour to death at an apartment complex and opened fire when the suspect refused to drop the knife.

 

Verdict: Righteous Kill! While a lot of them are jolly folk and have mentally accepted their disability, I've encountered plenty of 'disgruntled' wheelchair users who think they have some sense of 'entitlement' to a walkway by crashing into your ankles or worse - those that don't thank you for accommodating them by stepping out of the way, opening doors etc. I was raised to excuse myself out of pity for these "poor unfortunates" even if I'm not actually in the wrong - and believe me: I'm NEVER in the wrong. Naturally my true never-realised desire has been to put a nine-mil slug through their heads as they wheel away so I'm glad I can live vicariously through the actions of Matt "Trigger-happy" Marin. 

Thank you officer, I hope the FBI investigation is quickly brushed over and you're back on streets soon.

Source: FOX News

UNETIDA: "We shot nothing down"

Colonel "Whopper" Creedon, Deputy Director for Intelligence UNETIDA/UNPASID gave a statement to the press on Saturday citing that on Friday September 21st, "a calibration test of Annihilator Five one of our secret orbital defence platforms may have accidentally initiated a misfire."

"This is not uncommon," offered Creedon. "However we assure you that during all calibration, the weapons are facing away from the planet and the moon. We can safely say that we shot nothing down, no satellite, space junk or space craft."

Creedon continued, "Concerning the recent media reports in the news media about a 'Yellow and orange ball'; we are quite sure this was just old space junk in a slowly decaying orbit that was just then finally coming to a planet fall. It's pure coincidence that this just happened at the same time as our calibration."

Creedon offered no explanation to reports of a flotilla of UNETIDA naval assets leaving port from HMNB Clyde under the command of Captain "Harpoon" Dutton, KBE seen heading out to sea in the direction of the 'trail of light' seen on Friday.

Let us re-imagine - Total Recall

I about as much wanted to see this remade as I did another of Paul Verhoeven’s movies - Robocop, but for different reasons. Robocop is the singular greatest movie of all time and it should never be remade because nothing can be better than it period. Total Recall [1990] on the other hand is a guilty pleasure of sheer nonsense that entertains more because it’s indeed so daft it’s great and why try to do better than it as Phillip K. Dick’s original story was just as daft?

Colin Farell is our brain-fucked hero this time around and seems like a sad and pathetic character which keeps him more in line with Dick’s source material. He works at a factory in London making robot soldiers without questioning the need for millions of them like a good little boy. However he lives in Australia and instead of the nightmare that is today’s air travel he has a comfy “Fall” a sort of vertical bullet train that takes him from London [part of the United Federation of Britain] to The Colony which seems to be the entire Australian continent. These are also the only inhabited regions of the planet, the others having fallen to the ravages of nuclear war during the century. Fed up with the nature of his boring and predictable existence he goes to Rekall to have a more exciting memory implanted but unbeknown to him he already has exciting memories – those of his real life – or is it?

Underworld’s Len Wiseman does a terrific casting job with the ladies by adding his wife Kate Bekinsale as well as Jessica Biel who are suitably distracting from the many holes in this hokey plot. On the other hand Brian Cranston with a ridiculous hairpiece is easily the hammiest I’ve ever seen him as the UFB Chancellor Cohaagen who wears his body armour over his suit and leads from the front, literally. I also question Bill Nighy as the master rebel genius, whose appearance was foreshadowed throughout the whole movie to the point where the audience was "huh?" when he appeared. I must also mention Harry Gregson-Williams superb score that hopefully will lead him on to impress us all with a bit more varied set of projects now that his career with Tony Scott is sadly over.

While the design of the movies set pieces are quite extraordinary, a sight to behold, sadly the movie’s physics are even more laughable than your average sy-fy channel movie. Even when you try to fathom what could possibly survive long enough to build the Fall’s ‘track’ that close to the Earth’s flaming core [let alone drill thousands of kilometers from both ends and assuming that the different tectonic places the exit points are situated would never move again!] you would assume that knowing that halfway through the journey you experience weightlessness and a subsequent complete gravity reversal - wouldn’t it be prudent to wear magnetic boots or at least adhere yourself to a solid surface? Sorry I love sci-fi but that treats people like idiots.

Final Verdict: This new 2012 version while deeply flawed, still is almost as entertaining as it’s progenitor. It’s a convincing chase movie with dazzling special effects, daring stunts and solid performances from it’s leads. However it lacked the charm and the wit which made the original, while dated now, what it was. Total Recall 2012 will be forgotten in 20 years but even then we will still be saying “Get your ass to Mars!”

Colonel Creedon Rating: ***

There is only one RoboCop

Yes I've seen the photo. If you haven't seen it, then you will have to look elsewhere for it because I will not be throwing any kind of support behind this new "RoboCop".

Paul Starship Troopers Verhoeven crafted a outstandingly violent tale of a man who became a robotic Judge Dredd melded with Dirty Harry and armed only with a simple set of 3 rules and a machine pistol redefined justice for cinema goers in 1987 and it cannot be remade.

To think that a violent science-fiction movie is all RoboCop is however then you've either not seen it enough or it's been to long since you've seen it [the third option - that you've not seen it is literally a crime around here]. You see - RoboCop is set in Detroit for a reason - the same reason that the city is not thought of in glamorous terms even today, a place of little prosperity, high unemployment and urban crime. The movie explores the gamut of humanity; emotion, immortality, greed but most importantly - identity.

RoboCop was also a satirical look at some elements of Reaganomics but especially the rise of media that can all too easily be used to sway or even change public opinion. A brewing World War III is mentioned briefly by a newscaster on a channel that later uses 60 seconds of airtime to advertise a family oriented nuclear destruction themed board game.

RoboCop is my favourite movie of all time. I've helped fund the statue they're erecting in Detroit and I own three different DVD copies [above] containing different cuts, different qualities and presentations in different aspect ratios just to experience everything in different ways and analyse it even more than I have done so with my religion - Star Wars. The reason for this is because I know that each time I look upon something so undeniably perfect in every way I find answers to many of my own questions.

While I enjoyed the Brazilian move Tropa De Elite which he directed, I do not believe that José Padilha has the talent to make little more than a shadow of the the original RoboCop as even The Empire Strikes Back director Irvin Kershner himself could not make even a passingly good sequel to the original in 1990. It is because of this that I will not see this 'remake', so I care nothing about the Dark Knight-esque, G.I.Joe 'accelerator suit' inspired new RoboCop design, nor do I care to be informed about the latest Robo-rumours from your favourite websites.

I choose not to comment further on RoboCop [2013] because for me it will be as if it doesn't exist.

Links from IGN

The Bourne Legacy? No, The Bourne Miscalculation

Once director Paul Greengrass and therefore Matt Damon stepped away from this otherwise brilliant franchise which had a rare consistency of excellence from the first to the third movie, my serious interest waned. It picked up slightly when I discovered the usually splendid [if not tad too over-exposed right now] Jeremy Renner would be stepping forward not as Jason Bourne, but as Aaron Cross another “creation” of the secret government project that created Bourne. Pair him with a cast including fellow Oscar-worthy actors Rachel Weisz and Edward Norton and this just might be something to see.

Sadly no. This was a failure. While I felt the action scenes were somewhat adequate, well timed and choreographed and I was pleased by the level of automatic gunfire and loud noises; I felt overall that the movie was devoid of the tension and suspense that made the previous entries in the franchise what they were. Performances from the aforementioned Oscar-class cast were ho-hum at best for which I lay the blame firmly at the feet of director Tony Gilroy who proved he should really just stick to writing as he's damn good at that instead. 

Gilroy probably had a greater understanding of the whole somewhat meandering plot of the series since he actually wrote everything! Sadly he just wasn't able to coherently let the rest of us mortals watching know just what the hell he was trying to do. The plot device that this was a different perspective on some of the same events, a greater clandestine level behind the scenes of the already clandestine world created in the original trilogy was utter shit. It was so convoluted that it lacked the cohesion to be entertaining when the action started and at that point vanished up it’s own arse.

At some point along the way I think they knew they had actually lost their way and it seemed like an afterthought to add certain elements of the previous trilogy including mentioning Jason Bourne and showing photographs of Matt Damon to “remind” people what they were watching. Some movies do this in an effortless way that makes perfect sense, but this movie was hitting you over the head with them as if to say – “but look here is what happened then, only now it’s now, do you see what we’re trying to do?” – yes I could eventually I guess but at that point I was beyond caring. I woke up when the flaccid and unconvincing “evil super-agent” introduced only 20 minutes before the ending died wonderfully ridiculously along with my enthusiasm for more of this.

Final Verdict: Avoid it, watch the other three instead for proper entertainment – THAT’s Bourne’s legacy, not this nonsense.

 Colonel Creedon rating: **

The Expendables explode again in The Expendables 2

You’ll all remember my rave review of the original The Expendables in 2010. The brainchild of Sylvester Stallone, the movie brought some down on their luck 80’s/90’s action stars together with a few new friends like Jason Statham to kick ass on a made-up tropical island. The movie was to say the least, absolutely fucking fantastic but criticisms were Stallone's skewed direction and that while  that it should have been a tongue-in-cheek cheesy action movie - parts of it took itself a bit too seriously. One scene that was totally out of place was an attempt to introduce a serious emotional depth to Tool, Mickey Rourke’s character while was flawlessly delivered by Oscar nominee Rourke, it had no place in a movie that should have essentially been a balls-out auctioneer where the only dialogue that should have been spoken would use gunfire and explosions as punctuation.

If you’re a misguided individual who thought that the element I described, was what made the movie, you missed the point of the movie itself. The majority of criticism levied against Stallone’s effort was because of that. Thankfully Sly listened to my criticism and got Simon Con Air / The Mechanic West to helm. West proceeded to dispense with any cohesive message like Rourke’s “loss of humanity and atonement” speech replacing the void with a mortality lesson and even more testosterone into the cast just to blow shit up with far less yapping - and naturally it worked.

While the dialog is a regurgitation of all the stars previous roles put together by a group of trained monkeys and at best it’s basic plot makes the A-Team seem as deep as Inception, the sheer goose-bump inducing awesomeness of seeing so many screen-heroes together at once lets you ignore that. I laughed and cried tears of pure joy at the sight of Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Willis waltzing through an airport on screen together literally shooting the heads off bad-guys as they make their way to exact retribution on evil Jean Claude Van Damme while delivering dry one-liners as Chuck Norris supports them from above like some bearded guardian-angel ninja . That is a truly most wonderful moment in cinematic history and the movie itself, one of the most enjoyable I’ve ever seen.

The opening scene of The Expendables 2 was a protracted tantric orgasm of incredible action, death, destruction, dismemberment, vaporisation, guns, rockets, armoured vehicles and of course ridiculous one-liners and the movie rolls like that until the end taking only a few small breathers for exposition but really it was just so your own heart rate would go back to normal or so that you'd not die of adrenaline poisoning. The level of clichéd utterly predictable trademark Hollywood violence, scored once again by Brian Tyler, combined with the sheer nonsense surrounding various action stars appearance [and disappearance] and melded with the artistic beauty that Simon West previously showed us in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider was a recipe for true celluloid magic.

Final Verdict: Oh joyful perfection

Colonel Creedon Rating: EXEMPTION GRANTED

Seven years?

I guess that if this was my first post back then today is a seventh Birthday of sorts for Whopper's Bunker. 

I'm reliably informed by many people, people who've either had or read blogs regularly that seven years is a long time to maintain one when looking at average blog lifespans. While I can't obviously say I post every day or even with the frequency that I used to, I guarantee that while it may be slow, there is no intention of wrapping things up on my part.

Thank you to all those who have contributed ideas for content and read and commented this year. More to come.

Colonel "Whopper" Creedon

The Dark Knight has Risen

 

Batman, The Dark Knight of Gotham is here for this third and final outing under the direction of Christopher Nolan. The wait was long, punctuated by the usually glossy hype that surrounds a movie of this calibre. With the first two instalments of Nolan’s Batman trilogy being heralded as being among the greatest movies of all time, the pressure was certainly on the British director to deliver a fitting end to such an amazing saga, a trifecta of intellectual depth, superb action and astounding technical achievement. Thankfully Nolan delivered all, in spades.

Uniquely, The Dark Knight Rises is as much a sequel to Batman Begins as it is to The Dark Knight before it with a multitude of threads in this intricate celluloid tapestry being woven together in one spectacular whole. Here Bruce Wayne must now face his mortality in a way that he hadn’t faced it before and must regain the physical and spiritual connection with Gotham City he possessed before his fall from grace. This fall of course itself a lie borne by his greatest ally Jim Gordon, but not for much longer. Now a haggard and limping social recluse, Wayne has all but forgotten the Batman as Gotham has achieved an almost Utopian level of lawfulness. However a new threat seeks to raise an army to wrest control of the city to a truly nefarious end. The Dark Knight Rises explores many themes but chief among them is that “anyone can be Batman” something that has been cemented throughout the trilogy.

Christian Bale’s performance is as good as he’s been giving throughout the series which sadly means he hasn’t evolved a great deal himself. This is a pity as The Fighter proved what an incredible actor he can be. Bale was outdone once again by Gary Oldman who portrayed a much older Gordon now wrestling with his conscience at the terrible burden of lies he bore. Joseph Gordon Levitt shone as Blake, a streetwise cop whom Gordon makes a detective and to whom he transfers much of the footwork he’s unable to do himself. Anne Hathaway, initially regarded as a strange choice for Catwoman, without even so much as a purr made us all but forget Michelle Pfeiffer’s shiny PVC catsuit from Batman Returns. In fact she nailed it so delectably perfectly that there have been numerous calls for her to take her character into her own movie [undoubtedly to fare better than Halle Berry’s misguided crime against film]. Tom Hardy bulked up for his role as the imposing Bane, the menacing anarchist. Despite sometimes being somewhat difficult to understand he lent a powerful performance to the legendary “Knightfall” saga Batman villain, “the man who broke the bat”.

Supporting them, another Inception alumni, Marion Collitard whom I genuinely dislike as an actress, yet wasn’t too put off from her admittedly ‘above standard’ performance here. Matthew Modine, another actor I care quite little for portrays Foley, Gotham’s chief of Detectives and while his character is not one we should be impressed with, I have to say kudos for Modine for a great interpretation. Returning for his final time, Morgan Freeman as Lucius Fox, Batman’s answer to “Q” from James Bond, lending credence to the oft asked “Where does he get those wonderful toys?” and provides The Dark Knight with his most impressive vehicle yet, The Bat. However it was Michael Caine who really stepped it up this time around as Alfred and delivered something no less than Oscar-worthy proving that unlike some of the latest efforts from peers Anthony Hopkins and Ben Kingsley it is Caine that truly deserves to be called a “Sir”.

While sadly due to the London Olympics, I was denied a comfortable chance at witnessing Rises in Imax, but it was easy to spot at which points Nolan chose to switch to the extraordinary format adding to the immersion of the world he created as he did with Inception before it. There was some extraordinary CGI work done for a movie that while fantastical, is fused with the modern reality. The camera glided over Gotham and the scale of the troubled city was clearly established, albeit with some reality bending CGI [those exploded bridges aren’t really that long according to Constance]. 

To aid in the crafting of Gotham and to aid in a cohesion of design quality, Nathan Crowley returned from the previous two movies to lend his production design talents transforming Pittsburgh into a modern and realistic Gotham City. While he had collaborated with the excellent James Newton Howard for the previous instalments, Hans Zimmer was left to his own devices for the final instalment and it shows. Unleashed and solo, Zimmer has a tendency to go off the musical rails and while an excellent score in its own right, it lacks a cohesion that Newton Howard obviously brought to the fore.

It’s often the case in Hollywood where the third movie of a franchise isn’t as good as the others but this movie series has had the benefit of the same production value and creative team for all of them and it shows that there was no creative expense spared for the grand finale of this spectacular saga. If I was to level any criticism at it, I would have to say that it did indeed run a little too long at 165 mins, The Dark Knight had it right at about 150 mins, still epic but that quarter of an hour can make all the difference and there's a few bits that could have been shaved from the middle. It may hold true that when compared with the others in other ways, that Rises is not the best of the three but when you’re talking about movies that are as close in quality as these three Batman movies then it is still a sublime manifestation of an extraordinary creative effort made whole and produced a true genre-defining movie that transcends everything one hoped.

 

Final Verdict: Stay away from this if you don’t like epic movies over 2.5 hours long and want your super-heroes to ever seem real, because this is what this movie actually does.

Colonel Creedon Rating: *****

RIP Neil Armstrong 1930-2012

There are important men, great men and then there are men who define history for the rest of man. On July 20th 1969 NASA Astronaut Neil Armstrong became one such man when he set foot on the moon. His "one small step" is considered by many to be the most notable event in human history.

Godspeed on your final journey Neil... ...and thank you.