Iron Man 3, extreme Extremis

There was never any doubt in the universe that there would be a third outing for my favourite super-hero of all after the success of the previous instalments coupled with the cinematic phenomenon that was The Avengers. With the loss of Jon Favreau however, who favoured Cowboys and Aliens [how did that work out Jon?] over bookending one of the greatest trilogies of cinematic history, it meant the quality was uncertain. Even when Fav’s replacement, Shane Black was announced it was met with excitement and trepidation. Black was a very unlikely left-of-field choice to take over as director of something as rich in super-hero lore as Iron Man. The man wrote Lethal Weapon, the excessively dark original movie where Martin Riggs was mentally unhinged and had suicidal tendencies. Black previously directed Downey Jr. in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang so as potential candidates lined up for the job, Downey pushed for Black to take the reins and got him.

For Iron Man 3, Black took the best 'Armoured Avenger' saga from the 2000’s and seamlessly melded it with Marvel-style humour not seen since the 'Bronze Age' of comic books - and it worked! He managed to prevent everything from appearing silly somehow, especially the ideas that could never work in a live action semi-realistic universe. Even I was apprehensive about how Iron Man’s comic book arch-nemesis The Mandarin would be manifested considering he was both personification of pure evil as well as the wielder of 10 magic alien rings! Favreau had earlier avoided The Mandarin citing that the villain was “too fantastical”. Rather than being dismissive of the character outright, Black found a uniquely unorthodox way of dealing with this and the result is nothing short of pure genius - once you get over the initial shock! Black’s own signature wacky white-guy and straight-laced black-guy team-up even made an appearance here as Stark and Rhodey had a shootout with some bad-guys. For a couple of minutes it was like being in a cross between Lethal Weapon and Black’s other masterpiece The Last Boyscout.

Robert Downey Jr. obviously returns as Tony Stark, becoming the oldest actor to play a superhero in modern times. At 47, Downey showed no signs of slowing up and actually had far more action sans-suit in this instalment than any other. Stark’s debilitating issue this time is not the shrapnel near his heart or his over-fondness of fermented vegetable drinks, but instead nightmares and panic attacks borne from his experiences in The Avengers. Additionally, despite his personal growth, he is still a rich asshole who delivers some tactless home-truths to a young boy who helps him on his way. Once again Downey delivers a superb performance as the perpetually flawed Stark, a man who must now regain that which is so easily lost: confidence in oneself.

Stark is backed up by his ever-suffering girlfriend Pepper Potts [Gwyneth Paltrow] and Don Chedle as Colonel James “Rhodey” Rhodes, no longer the sinister-sounding War Machine but the flag waving, Captain America-inspired Iron Patriot! Guy Pierce, someone who up to recently avoided these types of movies turned in a credible performance as a version of Dr. Killian from the Extremis comic-book storyline but it is Sir Ben Kingsley’s mind-fuck performance as the nefarious Mandarin that should net him his most deserved accolades since Ghandi. Supporting this grand adventure are Jon Favreau returning as Happy Hogan, The Pacific’s James Badge Dale portrays Savin, William Die Hard 2 Sadler appears as the POTUS and Paul Bettany’s vocal tones are once again lent to J.A.R.V.I.S. who certainly has more dialog than before.

The action here is probably more infrequent than in previous instalments, with little of note happening until the end of Act 1. However this paves way for more thoughtful character development which many said was lacking in Iron Man 2 in favour of “brainless action”. On the other hand, while it’s easy to understand some individuals disappointment with slower-paced second Act, I can’t fathom why the finale’s extraordinary finale, a true example of classic spectacular super-hero adventure film-making couldn’t turn the most staunch nay-sayer into a true believer unless… …unless they’re dead inside!

It’s far to say Iron Man 3 is more of a direct sequel to The Avengers even though it’s a bookend to an impressive trilogy of movies that are close to rivalling the sheer perfection of The Dark Knight trilogy. We have been with Tony Stark on his incredible journey and while there will likely be another appearance in The Avengers 2 and speculation is mounting on Iron Man 4 considering the phenomenal box-office success of this movie, the chapter in Iron Man’s book that was opened with the first movie in 2008 is now closed. If a new one is opened it should be something unique but bookended in it’s own right so we’re not left hanging when Downey Jr. finally says “I’m too old for this shit” – a distinct possibility considering how tight he rolls with Black who wrote that line before.

Final Verdict: This is a classic end to an explosive adventure and as a true fan of Iron Man I couldn't be happier with this finale. It is easily best written of the trilogy, certainly the darkest and most dramatic and it has the best score - this time from Brian Tyler. It's sagging second act and lack of Scarlett Johannson prevent it from achieving the rating exemption granted to Iron Man 2 however, but it undoubtedly deserves every star of the highest rating possible.

Colonel Creedon rating: *****+

UFO hearings in Washington nothing but cry for attention

That 100 seconds of madness was brought to you by The Citizen Hearing on Disclosure [CHD], a week-long event that began on April 29th at the National Press Club in Washington D.C. with the aim of gaining traction for a movement demanding that the U.S. government come clean about Extra-Terrestrials. The $600,000 event which was free and open to the public, took the form of a simulated congressional hearing just like those conducted a few blocks away on Capitol Hill. Interestingly the “hearings” were presided over by some who have a wealth of experience - six former members of congress!

Former U.S. Rep. Roscoe Bartlett and five of his former colleagues, former Senator Maurice Gravel and former representatives Lynn  Woolse, Carolyn Kilpatrick, Darlene Hooley and Merill Cook presided over 30 hours of testimony delivered by about 40 individuals associated with the Paradigm Research Group, which works "to advocate in all ways possible for an end to a government imposed truth embargo of the facts surrounding an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race." Bartlett doubts we have Extra Terrestrials among us bet he said he’s keeping an open mind and would consider people quite “arrogant to assume we're the only intelligent life in the universe."

Colonel "Whopper" Creedon, UNETIDA's Director of Intelligence said that the conference initially had concerned his organisation due to the fact that some "witnesses" may be interpreted as credible and the fact that it's location and members may spark "unhealthy" media interest. Creedon lamented the fact that as a UN representative he had to uphold Article 19 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights because often "free speech is more trouble than it's worth".

UNETIDA need not have worried however, for all intents and purposes most major news outlets completely ignored the event with only The New York Times delivering a bland report and British leftist rag The Guardian treating it derisively, paying more attention to the $20k the committee members were paid for their appearances than any of the "evidence". Additionally, Yahoo News all but laughed out loud. What's worse is that even conspiracy-nut haven sites like Ghost Theory were just as dismissive of "the CHD’s futile attempt at legitimizing their mission. They seem disorganized, ill-equipped, and without a clue as to what they really want from the government." 

Of particular note Ghost Theory also highlighted the testimony of once-esteemed Canadian Defence Minister Paul Hellyer who laid out "a litany of charges including accusing the US Government of harbouring two living ET.s". This was also the man who in 2005 accused President Bush of plotting an "Intergalactic War". "That's utterly ridiculous" added Colonel Creedon who served a tour in the White House as Military Assistant to the Deputy National Security Advisor for Extra-Terrestrial Defence during the Bush Administration "VP Cheney never involved President Bush in the Intergalactic War plans".

Source: Bruce Russell via Huff Post
Additional: The Guardian / The New York Times / Ghost Theory

Spring Action! - Movie Reviews

A Good Day to Die Hard

This is the fifth instalment of the ageing blockbuster franchise that began way back in 1988 and made an action star out of a not-yet-bald Bruce Willis. Here our hero NYPD Lt. John McClane takes a “vacation” to Moscow [it took the Police Academy goons seven movies to get that far I might add] in the hope of reconnecting with his estranged son Jack [Jai Spartacus Courtney]. The younger McClane however is now a CIA agent and has been undercover in Moscow with handler Collins [the underrated always-guaranteed-to-die-early-in-a-movie-where-he’s-not-a-lead-character Cole Pitch Black Hauser]. John is successful in finding his son but naturally gets caught up in an evil terrorist plot threatening to…  ah bollox you get the picture, it’s only important that there’s a lot of shooting, explosions and a fantastic vehicular chase scene – oh and a very silly bit with a helicopter that I can’t spoil.

 

As wonderful as it is as a thoroughly enjoyable action-movie blockbuster, I'm disappointed to say this movie is so far removed in tone, substance and geographical location from it’s progenitor that it doesn’t really deserve to carry the name Die Hard. Willis doesn't bring McClane's trademark wisecracks and appears somewhat jaded in the role that made him. Had this been called: Generic Blockbuster Action Movie 5: Huge Fuckin’ ‘Splosions then I’d be slapping 5-Stars onto the end of this paragraph and proclaiming it as undoubtedly one of the decade’s best action movies. But when a movie carries the Die Hard name, and Bruce adopts the mantle of John McClaine one has a certain expectation that sadly was notably sorely lacking here.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ****

G.I.Joe: Retaliation

Zartan is The President Of The United States and so Cobra have The White House but Cobra Commander and Destro have been captured and incarcerated. If you didn't know all this then you've forgotten G.I.Joe: The Rise of Cobra, but that's OK, I've just recapped it for you. 

Despite the incredibly bizarre release-schedule debacle which delayed the movie for 9 Months after it was finished so it could be converted to 3-D, Retaliation is surprisingly direct sequel considering that less than half the cast returned. The loss of  Dennis Hawk Quaid, Rachel Scarlett Nichols, Sienna The Baroness Miller and Christopher Destro Eccleston was worth it not to have to listen to the "cosmic yelping" of Marlon Ripcord Wayans for another hour or so. Channing Tatum does return as Duke, as does Byung-hun Lee as Storm Shadow, Ray Park as Snake Eyes and Jonathan Pryce as The President but the real magic happens with the new cast.

That's right, this movie [and likely more if the franchise continues] is now a Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson vehicle - and that's a good thing - The Rock with D.J. Cotrona and Adrianne Palicki brought an energy that perfectly balanced the brevity and drama with just the right amount of humour  required to do justice to G.I.Joe and the writers Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick tapped to deliver had success before on the flip side of that precariously balanced formula with Zombieland. Bruce Willis brought more smirking and charm to his cameo as General Colton in 10 minutes than he did in the entire Die Hard movie reviewed above. 

In retrospect, by comparison - while Rise of Cobra did well enough to capture the spirit of G.I.Joe - it was was stuffed with too much cheese and Retaliation corrects most of what went awry before. Retaliation's Joes themselves acted more like a cohesive military unit, the ninja action was lifted directly from the source materiel and flawlessly directed as you'd expect by a man known only for filming dance movies, 33-year-old Jon M. Chu. Thankfully he understood that the general pace and tone for a good G.I.Joe movie should mimic the superior comic book rather than the cheesy cartoon series that Stephen Sommers obviously watched a little too much of.

Colonel Creedon Rating: *****

Olympus Has Fallen

A rogue group of North Korean terrorists take over The White House with the intention of forcing the U.S. to withdraw from South Korea, so that the North can reunify the country - on their terms - as well as detonate the entire U.S Nuclear arsenal so there'll be no interference. "We were very lucky with the timing actually" said Gerard 300 Butler when promoting the movie last week :)

Butler plays former Army Ranger Mike Banning who also once worked on the President's [Aaron The Dark Knight Eckhart] protection detail, now in a shitty desk-job in the Treasury Department. When the rogue North Koreans led by Rick Die Another Day Yune attack it's up to Banning to save the day because director Antoine Training Day Fuqua cast Cole Hauser [see the Die Hard 5 review above] as the head of the White House Secret Service.

It's from this point on that the movie melds so much so with Die Hard and Under Siege it's fucking insane. We have a lone good guy on the "inside" having free communication and feeding intelligence to people on the outside, represented here by Morgan Freeman as the Speaker of the House Trumball, Angela Basset as Jacobs the director of the Secret Service and Robert Forster as the Army Chief of Staff. Banning is as endearing a character as John McClane and in fact does a far better job at being John McClane than Willis did in Die Hard 5 [see above again]. However he's as ruthless as Casey "Fuckin'" Ryback and does practically EVERYTHING Segal does in Under Siege, only again a little better as he appears more human.

Not to be confused with White House Down the bizarrely timed Channing Tatum and Jamie Foxx movie by disaster-movie director Roland Emmerich out later in the summer, Olympus Has Fallen is a no-holes-barred near constant action movie and feels very much like something that should have been made in the 1990's only thankfully wasn't - because it wouldn't have been half as good as this shit! Yes this is shit, but it's so incredibly enjoyable despite being somewhat formulaic, has more plot holes than bullet holes and so utterly predictable that no-one cannot dislike it.

Colonel Creedon Rating: *****+

Protect the Earth? Not with this budget!

"If it's coming in three weeks, pray. I can't do anything in 

the next three weeks because for decades we've put it off.”

The word “can’t” is not a word you’ll commonly find in a Marine’s lexicon especially when reporting to his superiors; so you can imagine the frustration that burned inside NASA director Charles Bolden [below] when congress asked what his agency is doing about the threat of near-Earth asteroids. Florida’s Republican Rep. Bill Posey, had asked the former USMC general what NASA would do if a large asteroid headed on a collision course with Earth was discovered today with only three weeks before impact.

Experts have stressed that February 15th’s meteor strike in Russia's Ural Mountains and the unrelated close asteroid 2012 DA14 flyby on the same day were a coincidence and that the chance of a catastrophic asteroid impact to Earth any time soon is remote. Nevertheless, members of Congress asked NASA, The White House, Air Force officials and even UNETIDA what they're doing to combat the threat of near-Earth asteroids during a hearing on Capitol Hill.

"The odds of a near-Earth object strike causing massive causalities and destruction of infrastructure are very small, but the potential consequences of such an event are so large that it makes sense to take the risk seriously," John Holdren, science advisor to President Barack Obama, told the Science, Space and Technology Committee of the U.S. House of Representatives. Texas’ Republican Rep. Lamar Smith, committee chairman, said that it was "not reassuring" to learn that NASA has so far detected only about 10 percent of the near-Earth objects that are wider than 87 miles across. Holdren estimated that there may be hundreds of thousands of such objects within one-third the distance from Earth to the sun that remain unknown.

In 2005, Congress directed NASA to detect, track and characterize 90% of these space rocks. Bolden said today that NASA was unlikely to meet that deadline given its current budget and that if current budgetary levels were maintained then that number would not be met until 2030. He criticized the lawmakers for limiting NASA’s abilities with budget cuts. "You all told us to do something, and between the administration and the Congress, the bottom line is the funding did not come," Bolden said. Furthermore, he said the goal of finding a way to respond to asteroid threats has been repeatedly put off by lawmakers who cite a lack of money.

Those same budget concerns also hamstring the militarys mandate to monitor near-Earth objects and other space threats, such as orbital debris. Gen. William Shelton, commander, U.S. Air Force Space Command, told the committee that under sequestration they are even less capable than before. He added that any further budget cuts could have dire consequences. "Our dependence on space, not only for our way of life but also for military operations, is very high, so we would sacrifice that."

Lieutenant General “Stomper” Santorno, Director of UNETIDA/UNPASID said that budget cuts by the US and other previously generous nations internationally have “slowly castrated” the emergency protective and defensive service that UNETIDA provided in space. He said that as the United States, once the international leaders in space technology, were now seen as to not be taking the threats from space seriously, it has led other countries to follow suit and divert funding elsewhere. In an outburst before storming out of the meeting Santorno slammed his fist on the table yelling “Asteroids won’t kill us all, our governments will!”

Source: Fox News

The Iron Lady passes. RIP Baroness Thatcher 1925-2013

The only woman to so far achieve the position of Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, The Rt Hon. The Baroness Thatcher, LG, OM, PC, FRS has died peacefully following a stoke in London Monday, she was 87.

Born Margaret Roberts in Linconshire, daughter of a grocer, she studied as a research chemist before entering politics as a member of the Conservitive Party for Finchley in 1958 and became an MP in the following year. She began making a name for herself in 1966 by attacking the Labour Government’s policies which she described as socialist and bordering on Communism.

Thatcher was appointed Secretary of State for Education and Science in 1970 and instituted a number of education reforms but when the Conservatives were later ousted she replaced Edward Heath as leader of the Conservatives in 1975 and thusly became leader of the opposition. As opposition leader she continued her stand against communism and socialism and became the face of the movement opposing the welfare state. Her scathing attack on Russia at a town hall speech earned her the moniker of “The Iron Lady” from the Russians something she gladly adopted.

After a series of devastating labour strikes in the winter before the election of 1979, James Callaghan’s government collapsed and the Conservatives were voted into power with Margaret Thatcher as the UK’s first female Prime Minister. The Conservative Party was re-elected twice leading her to serve as PM until 1990.

Thatcher limited the number of immigrants into the UK, increased interest rates to lower inflation, reduced expenditure on social services and cut higher education spending. Her “Poll tax” reform of local government met widespread condemnation despite leading the British economy into recovery. She reduced the power of trade unions which she thought undermined democracy through their constant strike action. She refused to give into their demands and had dozens of coal mines closed devastating communities and leading to much of her unpopularity.

Thatcher privatised utilities like BT and British Gas and many industries which were previously owned by the government. She encouraged growth in finance and service sectors to reduce reliance on the failing old style manufacturing industry and made the City of London one of the world’s most successful financial centres.

Thatcher took a hard-line stance against convicted hunger-striking IRA terrorists in Northern Ireland who were seeking to be classed as political prisoners. She refused to give into their demands and upon dying the prisoners became martyrs for the Republican cause inciting widespread unrest and an increase in IRA recruitment. The Brighton Hotel bombing was carried out as an assassination attempt on her life in 1984, in defiance she made a galvanising speech at the Conservative Party conference the following day.

Thatcher’s distrust of communism led her to become a staunch political ally of then US President Ronald Reagan and assisted him in bringing an end to the Cold War by accepting reformist USSR leader Mikhail Gorbachev.  She was a prominent supporter of NATO and permitted the US to station 160 cruise missiles at an RAF base. She tripled the UK’s nuclear forces despite opposition from the CND.

In April 1982 Thatcher sent a Royal Naval Task Force to retake the Falkland Islands which had been invaded by Argentina. The resulting Falklands War was the largest British military campaign since WWII and the Naval Officers who took part in the conflict liken her to Churchill such was the respect they had for her resolve. Her decision to have the HMS Conqueror torpedo and sink the cruiser ARA General Belgrano killing more than 400 of her crew was met with controversy but victory came 6 weeks later and the “Falklands Factor” let to Thatcher’s relection in 1983.

Due to the “poll tax” and her stance on the European Exchance Rate Mechanism in 1990, Thatcher’s supporters in government either resigned or dropped support and initiated a leadership challenge. Her cabinet persuader her to withdraw from opposing it and she left Downing Street after an unprecedented 11 and a half years in office.

Thatcher continued to serve as an MP until 1992 when she retired at 66. She wrote memoirs and books, established a foundation and worked as a consultant for a tobacco company. She didn’t shy from public speaking and was vocal against the Serbian assault on Gorazde and Sarajevo in 1992 and criticised the Maastricht Treaty. In recent years she made fewer public appearances due to ailing health and the onset of dementia. In accordance with her wishes she will not receive a state funeral, but will be honoured by a church service at St. Paul's Cathedral in London, where she will be accorded military honours.

Baroness Thatcher along with President Ronald Reagan and An Taoiseach Charles J. Haughey are the three individuals, albeit quite different, who awakened my own political views and with which whom I most politically identify with. While I may not entirely agree 100% with her actual decisions I held nothing but respect for her rejection of the political U-Turn - probably the most reprehensible factor in modern politics.

"The Iron Lady" was also not a practitioner of caving in under political pressure even if to save her own career. I wish for a day where people are in a position to vote for a person with the strength of character as the great Margaret Thatcher and not the spineless corrupt freeloading scumbags we're forced to choose between today.

Cry havoc! and let slip the... oh wait, it's just North Korea... again

On March 7th, new debilitating sanctions were imposed by the UN on the impoverished totalitarian nation of the DPRK [North Korea] in response to yet another condemned underground nuclear test on February 12th, their third since 2006. Since then the bellicose rhetoric from Pyongyang has increased considerably, this time including amateurish video statements detailing the destruction of the United States and her allies.

South Korea and the Unites States began their annual joint military exercises as planned on March 11th and this led to additional threats from the DPRK stating that it has "abolished"the Korean War armistice [the UN has stated that such a pact cannot be unilaterally scrapped] and has a right to a "pre-emptive strike" on the US. In response to the US flying B-2 Spirit bombers over the Korean peninsula, North Korea cut the the military hotline between it and South Korea and in the past 24 hours has declared that it is in "a state of war" with them.

If this was any other nation, say Iran, then it would be quite serious. However due to the simple fact that this is a pretty common occurrence in Korea and almost certainly there'll be nothing major to come from it, the latest news concerning North Korea is making headlines, but is not a major concern for the world. A cursory glance at the main news headlines from Fox News this Sunday morning has the latest from Kim Jong-un in 6th place. The polar opposite of Fox, MSNBC carries a similarly urgently placed story also in 6th place with additional analysis in 7th. One needs to dig further down in Sky News or BBC news to find what's going on with the DPRK. But don't let media apathy alone set your mind at rest. While the media itself should be praised for not making a mountain out of a molehill in this case; it would be foolish to completely ignore the events of the past few weeks. 

Before a Colonel is nominated to receive his first star he has to write a lot about the political concerns and military threats globally. Despite my requests for assignment to South Korea, admittedly for dubious reasons, being declined at every stage, I have studied their patterns at length and I would like to assure all that everything will be copacetic and that there is little to worry about.

Traditionally, North Korea often creates some class of military provocation, aggressive rhetoric or show of strength around the time of US/South Korea military exercises and especially during the initial four months of a new South Korean president's tenure [Park Geun-hye became the first female president of the Republic on February 25th] as if to test them. As it is now and has been for some time, just words.

Kim Jong-un is a relatively untested leader. The sanctions and the establishment of a UN commission to investigate human rights abuse in his country have damaged his reputation and he may see the threat of war as a way to both rally the people behind him and also boost his military credentials.

North Korea is faced with two choices: either "go ballistic" and reap the whirlwind of destruction or abandon it's nuclear plans and negotiate it's way out of international isolation. While they do not have the technology to carry out most of it's aggressive threats, they do have enough conventional weapons near the South Korean border to kill thousands in Seoul. Both Koreas now have relatively untested leaders and the hope is that that a mis-step by one of them would not lead to conflict.

Zero Dark Thirty

This is the last Oscar-bait movie I had to see this year making it four in total after Argo, Django and Lincoln. It was 2010 when first last elected to see 4 Oscar nominated movies but this is the first time since that I enjoyed all four.

I had very mixed feelings about this particular movie being made as I felt that not enough time had passed since May 1st 2011 and there were certain aspects of the movie which are not only false but could certainly be detrimental to counter-terrorism efforts. As for reviewing the movie itself, it provided an additional conflict as I was ████ ██████ ███████ ███████ ████ ███████ █████ ██ ██████ ███████ █████ ████ and because of that I suspect that some of this review will need to be redacted.

Kathryn Bigelow directed the somewhat silly Point Break and the intense K-19: The Widowmaker before her fame was cemented in 2010 when her movie about a U.S. Army E.O.D. team during the Iraq War, The Hurt Locker, earned 6 Academy Awards including Best Picture, Best Director and Best Screenplay thanks to Mark Boal. Therefore when Boal and Bigelow announced a team up and that they were creating a movie about the hunt for Osama Bin Laden and the Battle of Tora Bora. I was personally thrilled because in Dec '01 I was the commander of  ████ ██ ████ ███████ ███████ ████ ███████ █████ ██ ██████ ███████ █████ ████ and it would be "fun" to have seen me being played on screen by Liev Schreiber or someone.

However just as they were about to start filming when Bin Laden was killed and they felt that the  movie they had planned would no longer be viable, so they scrapped the whole thing and created Zero Dark Thirty - the story of the intelligence operation which began tracking Bin Laden to his Pakistani hideout in Abbatobad and the raid which which ended the life of the world's most wanted man.

Bigelow created Maya, a young CIA officer whose single-minded determination for the capture/killing of Bin Laden drove her to success. Despite it being wonderful drama, redheaded actress Jessica Chastain being easy on the eye and the obvious fabrications that a director without military public affairs support had to create I felt that her choices differed too much from the reality of  ██████ ████ ███████ █████ ██ ██████ ███████ █████ █████ ████ ████ ███████ █████ ██ ██████ ██ ██████ █  ████████ █████████ ██ ████ ██████ █ █ █████ █████ █████████ ████ ███████ █████ █ █ ██████ ██████████ █████████ █ █ ███████ █████ ███████ ███████ █████ ███ and this made it difficult for me to accept on screen.

There was a bottom-heavy "action-imbalance" to the movie as a result of Bigelow's choices or Boal's writing which made it a difficult movie to watch. The first 75% of the movie was dedicated to Maya's hunting, tracking and sifting through intelligence reports. This is how intelligence work is done in reality of course but take it from me, the "action-imbalance" is 97% against the 3% where we take them out with a drone or strike team. But this is a movie and civilians don't want to see this, they want their action. We should have had Abattobad confirmed at most 45mins in, then the planning and an obligatory training montage for the SEALs before the actual raid, which I'll concede was filmed brilliantly.

It's a shame that she couldn't include ██████ █████ ██ ██████ ███████ █████ █████████ ████ ███████ █████ ██ ██████ ███████ █████ █████████ ████ ███████ █████ ██ ██████ █████ because that would have been great to see on screen but I doubt anyone knows about it yet.

Final Verdict: A wonderfully directed and technically competent movie but enshewed the drama of the true reality which would have made it truly great.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ***1/2

No Pied Piper of Tehran

Despite it's recent move to block "unauthorised" VPNs, further curtailing citizens freedom of speech and information - media reports about giant mutated rats running amok on Tehran are real.

Apparently melting snow has raised the underground water level and flushed huge rodents, some reportedly weighing 11 pounds, from their nests. Authorities have imported approximately 45 tons of rat poison and set up information tents to help deal with the plague running rampant in 26 districts in the Iranian capital.

The International Business Times quoted Tehran city council environment adviser Ismail Kahram, that the rats "seem to have had a genetic mutation, probably as a result of radiations and the chemical used on them." Speaking to Iranian news website Qudsonline.ir, he said "They are now bigger and look different. These are changes that normally take millions of years of evolution. They have jumped from 60 grams to five kilos, and cats are now smaller than them."

UNPASID officials in consultation with Dr. David Baker, laboratory animal veterinarian at LSU, have debunked Kahram's claim. "Like many in their government, he's obviously a fucking fruitcake," diplomatically said Colonel "Whopper" Creedon, the UNPASID/UNETIDA Director of Intelligence. Dr. Baker added that it's unlikely the rats got super-sized as the result of a mutation. "genetic mutations are [usually] harmful and a disadvantage rather than an advantage." However, he explained that there are species of "giant" rats found around the world that can achieve the sizes described by Kahram. "During the Middle Ages, black rats in Europe reportedly grew large enough to carry off small babies. Those had to have been some big rats," Baker wrote.

Mohammad Hadi Heydarzadeh, a top environmental official, said Iran has the biggest issue with Norwegian rats. They "entered Iran from abroad by cargo ships." Though it's unclear if the rats come with paperwork, a search of ratbehavior.org shows that that particular kind of rat can grow 16 inches long. And they are very aggressive, "fighting, chasing, biting and boxing." As the rats are fed poison by day, 40 teams of army snipers now hunt the rats by night, using rifles equipped with infrared scopes. It has been reported that 2,205 rats have been killed so far.

UNPASID said despite its mandate to control or destroy "unnatural" forms of life on earth, it has no authorisation from the UN to respond to requests for assistance from Iran's government in the unlikely event should they be made.

Source: Reuters / CNN / Fox

Crowe captures UFO picture!

UNETIDA and UNPASID have to deal with approximately 25,000 hoaxes for every valid piece of intel they receive. Anything from a weather balloon to a Halloween costume in the wrong light can send a normally perfectly rational human into a state of blind panic screaming 'Aliens' or 'Zombies' depending on the stimuli.

Thankfully unless a jaded reporter gets hold of the reported sighting and thinks there could be a story in it most of these cases are never even heard of. Occasionally however one hits the media and we need to create a counter-intelligence operation in order to convince people that there's nothing to fear and there's a perfectly rational explanation for what they saw.

Rarer still is the situation where UNETIDA/UNPASID don't even need to comment, let alone investigate a claim despite it gathering international media attention just like this one that an obviously deranged Russell Crowe attempted last week.

Apparently Crowe posted this video on Youtube claiming it to be a UFO:

He tweeted: "UFO? Time Lapse Photos Outside RC's Woolloomooloo Office (THESE ARE REAL!)"

"A friend and i set camera to capture fruit bats rising from Botanic Gardens,this was a big surprise"

"Canon 5D, No Flash, can't be a lens flare because it moves , camera is fixed"

Naturally, celebrity gossip sites and film buffs jumped on it. However it later came to light that the photos are taken using a telephoto lens centered on trees in a park separated by a body of water in the harbour through which yachts pass regularly and the red 'streak' is simply the safety light on a mast or other rigging as it would appear if the shutter on the camera was open for longer than normal.

It's clear from the opinions of the Internet that not a single person believes poor old Russell. General consensus is while the photos were taken 4 years ago, this "evidence" of UFO activity over Sydney is only coming to light now because the Aussie star's latest movie Broken City is a pile of shit and tanking badly.

Source: The Telegraph / Russel Crowe / Yahoo

Allen to retire instead of taking NATO

Earlier in the week, exonerated Marine General John R. Allen who until recently commanded the International Security Assistance Force and US Forces Afghanistan has submitted his notice to President Obama of his intention to retire.

On February 10th, Allen relinquished command to another Marine 4-Star General Joseph F. Dunford who is expected to be the last commander of the U.S.-led international military coalition. In October last, General Allen was nominated to lead NATO forces as Supreme Allied Commander Europe but this nomination was put on hold in November due to the Pentagon investigation of questionable email exchanges with Jill Kelley, a Florida socialite linked to the sex scandal that led CIA Director David Petraeus to resign.

Allen was completely exonerated of any wrongdoing but there still remained a question whether the While House would re-nominate him for the NATO appointment.

Defence Secretary Leon Panetta wrote: “Gen. Allen’s selfless dedication to our troops and to their mission was a source of inspiration to those who served with him, as well as to those of us here at home.  He has earned the lasting thanks of this nation for carrying the heavy burden of leadership with utmost professionalism and courage.  I wish him and his entire family all the best in the next chapter of their lives.” 

Allen said retiring from the military was “the only choice I could make.” Although he did not explain his reasons in detail, he said “my primary concern is for the health of my wife, who had sacrificed so much for so long.” He served 38 years in the Marine Corps.

U.S. Army General Carter Ham, currently Commander, U.S. Africa Command was speculated this week to be nominated in Allen's place but the Washington Post claims U.S. Air Force General Philip Breedlove, Commander, U.S. Air Forces in Europe will get the nod.

It's a trying time for the Obama administration who are still embattled with the senate on it's nomination of Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defence and John Brennan as CIA Director.

Meteorite Strikes Russia

On February 15th, a 10-tonne meteorite streaked across the sky and exploded over central Russia, sending fireballs crashing to earth which shattered windows and damaged buildings, injuring more than 1,200 people.

The meteor strike halted traffic in Chelyabinsk,an industrial city as residents poured out on the streets to watch the cosmic show before sreaming in panic as a sonic boom shattered glass and set off car alarms. Emergencies Minister Vladimir Puchkov stressed that no fragments had been discovered anywhere in the region so far despite some 20,000 rescuers and recovery workers being dispatched there.

While NASA's eyes were on 2012 DA 14, an asteroid which whizzed safely past Earth at the unprecedented distance of 27,000 kilometers, UNETIDA were tasked with handling the object that would actually collide with the planet. "We were damn lucky with how this turned out" said Colonel "Whopper"Creedon speaking personally from the point of impact at Lake Chebarkul, 80 kilometers west of Chelyabinsk. "If this had actually hit a city there'd be a lot more than a thosand folks doing a lot more than picking shards of class ot of their faces." The Colonel added "It's not really our mandate to do this kind of work, a more permanent solution is needed."

NASA scientists estimated that the energy released from impact with the atmosphere was about 30 times greater than the force of the nuclear bomb dropped on Hiroshima. "We would expect an event of this magnitude to occur once every 100 years on average,” said Paul Chodas of NASA's Near-Earth Object Program Office.

“Instead of fighting on Earth, people should be creating a joint system of asteroid defence,” wrote Alexei Pushkov, Russian parliament’s foreign affairs committee chief  and close ally of President Putin. "Instead of creating a (military) European space defence system, the United States should join us and China in creating the AADS – the Anti-Asteroid Defence System.”

Source: Dawn.com / BBC / FOX News

Bullet to the Head - and a couple through the centre of mass

I find it unlikely that Sylvester Stallone has had either an elocution lesson or a speech-therapy session in his life, and if he has, then I dread to think what he sounded like before. His indistinct sometimes incomprehensible slurred speech during Bullet to the Head is more pronounced by the fact that HE'S THE NARRATOR! It's difficult enough when you can SEE him talking but when he's a disembodied voice... ...well good luck to you. Stallone is 65 years old. You get free public transportation for that milestone here and Medicare where Stallone is. It was a little noticeable in Rambo IV alright, not so much in The Expendables or its recent sequel because there are so many other screen-gods present but when you see the big man in this movie you just have to admit, and he probably should too, that he's just too fucking old for this shit!

Bullet to the Head pairs Stallone playing aging New Orleans hit man Jimmy Bobo with Det. Taylor Kwon (Sung Kang of the Fast and the Furious franchise) a D.C. dickhead cop out of his jurisdiction. Now this is supposed to be the movie's main hook. Director Walter Hill has come out of a 10 year exile to deliver a formula for which he has had pretty memorable success - he previously paired Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte in 48 Hours as well as James Belushi and Arnold Schwarzenegger in Red Heat. However his winning formula has diluted somewhat since he last used it and it's some very weak sauce now.

The "banter" between hi-tech goody-two-shoes nerd Kwon and grizzled old anti-social hit man Bobo is some of the most forced camaraderie I've ever witnessed, it does not work and in fact fails spectacularly. To be honest with Stallone, you know what you're getting. It's not his fault, it's not like you have a muscled version of Alan Rickman delivering dialog as if nominated for an Oscar, it's just Stallone and his angry/sad/happy expressions are distinguishable only by the length of his side lip droop at the time. Kang however is irredeemably shit. Kwon is the absolute worst movie cop in the history of useless movie cops. He's an uncharismatic dickead devoid of any charm or likability and you know that if he was the recipient of the movie's title early on, you'd not shed a tear.

Sadly, the protagonists are paired for the whole movie, one seeking to solve a case and bring perpetrators to justice, the other wants to exact revenge for being set up and having his partner killed. This leads them down a woefully pathetic and flimsy plot path [it's an adaptation of a french graphic novel, go figure] to Morel, a dime-store villain, land developer (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) whose dealings are being covered up by snivelling lawyer Baptiste [Christian "Hey everyone! I'm back doing movies" Slater] and guarded by 6' 4" of blunt force trauma in the form South African mercenary Keegan [Jason Conan The Barbarian Momoa]. It's actually Momoa who steals the show when he's on screen regardless of whoever else is there and his final showdown with Stallone is unique in so far as they throw down their guns in favour of an impressive melee with large fireman's axes.

Final Verdict: Fuck-it, this is complete and utter shit but I thoroughly enjoyed this very aptly titled movie.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ***1/2

Boy saves world but rewarded with suspension

In Loveland, Colorado there was little love shown to Captain Alex Evans, U.S. Army Special Forces who single headedly saved the entire world and the future of mankind by lobbing a MK140 High Explosive Fragmentation Grenade with flawless military precision into Pandora's Box itself! His costly mistake however was to do so on school property putting the lives of civilians and schoolchildren at risk.

At least this is how it may look to poor little Alex Evans if he could even understand why he was being suspended from school. But because you're SEVEN YEARS OLD you can't fathom why you'd be punished for being a hero!

Confused? Let me elaborate. Evans is a 2nd grader at Mary Blair Elementary School and he was suspended from the school because he violated the school's insane rules against the use of weapons - either real or imaginary. That's right - imaginary. The boy was playing a game during recess and threw an imaginary grenade into a make-believe box with pretend 'evil forces' inside.

 

Evans explained to FOX31 “It’s called ‘Rescue the World,’ I pretended the box, there’s something shaking in it, and I go ‘pshhh.’" as the boy widens his arms as if to simulate an explosion “So nothing can get out and destroy the world. I was trying to save people and I just can’t believe I got dispended,” he added, obviously not even able to pronounce his punishment - something that the school should probably be more concerned with than trying to act as totalitarian 'thought police' restricting imagination.

Mary Blair Elementary lists “absolutes” designed to keep a safe environment. The list includes absolutely no fighting, real or imaginary; no weapons, real or imaginary. Alex Evans did not even throw a physical object [like the dangerous weapon carried to school by Melody Valentin] or make any threats against anyone [like the 5-year old terrorist did in Pennsylvania] but the Orwellian school authorities insist he broke a key rule during his pretend play.

But Mary Blair Elementary isn't the only institution to have a ridiculous knee-jerk reaction in the wake of the Sandy Hook tragedy. Other school authorities all over the U.S. have made some similarly unfathomable decisions recently and have gone too far:

6 year old suspended for pointing a finger like a gun.

Pair of 1st graders suspended for playing cops & robbers with finger guns.

5 year old makes gun gesture and says "bang" = 2 day suspension.

5 year old threatened with suspension for making gun shapes with Legos.

I was really hoping at least one of these stories linked to The Onion, but no, all real.

If I had been subject to these 'laws' when I was at school, I'd have been expelled as opposed to suspended as I'm sure a lot of folk reading this would be. I'm not unaware that some children of these ages are capable of crime and can wield dangerous weapons. I also acknowledge that every school is within it's rights and certainly even has a responsibility to ensure that it's teachers or students can't be in a position to cause harm or be harmed by one another. 

It's perfectly reasonable for school authorities to act and punish if physical harm is done to faculty, students or property but the act of prohibiting the development of simple thought and imagination is the most disturbing thing I've read in quite a while [and I read ramblings by Glen Beck earlier in the week!]. The fact that these rules are being enforced on 5-7 year olds in learning institutions in the 21st century is unfathomable and would only be conceivable to me in a Dystopian science fiction movie.

The world is a dangerous place. Educate the little brats on what to do if they encounter a real weapon and they just might listen. Yes there must indeed be measures in place to protect children but they must not come at the cost of their childhood.

Cock-Up has EAS warn of Zombie attacks!

An internal investigation began Monday concerning a serious and embarrassing malfunction of UNPASID’s control of the United States’ Emergency Alert System [EAS] which would in theory be used only in the event of a Zompocalypse.

On Monday afternoon, a CBS affiliate KRTV in Great Falls, Montana, which was broadcasting the Steve Wilkos talk show, had it’s sound temporarily replaced by the EAS. The audio signal alerted: "Civil authorities in your area have reported that the bodies of the dead are rising from the grave and attacking the living." And warned not "to approach or apprehend these bodies as they are extremely dangerous."

The incident is suspected to have arisen due to an effort to merge the UNPASID control with the UNETIDA control of the EAS which would be deployed in a similar manner should local authorities be unable to contain a sudden Extra Terrestrial landing before the arrival of UNETIDA.

A UNETIDA/UNPASID Counterintelligence team quickly fabricated a convincing story about a group of hackers attacking TV stations to post “hoax messages” about a zombie scare. “We have ways of convincing people of anything we need to to avoid revealing the truth,” said Colonel “Whopper” Creedon, Director of Intelligence, UNETIDA/UNPASID. “Hackers are in the public conscience and there are thousands of nerdy fanboys with access to the Internet and watching stuff like The Walking Dead on TV, Zombieland in the cinema and playing Left for Dead on their games machines. So it’s very easy to implicate them in something like this as they’re well known for their mischief.”

Most news outlets in the areas affected carried stories concerning what is, due to UNETIDA/ UNPASID’s actions, now considered a hoax which, as one law enforcement officer who received a 911 call put it, "Gave us a chuckle".

Source: USA Today / Youtube /  I09

Lincoln

I do my best to allow myself to see one beard-stroking non-violent movie per year if only to prove to myself that I’m not completely mentally lost in a sea of endless pain and suffering while haunted by the screams of the men I’ve sent or led to their deaths. So this year I went to see Lincoln, Senior Spielbergo’s epic biopic of a man troubled by nightmares and haunted by the screams of the men he sent to their deaths. Thankfully for my own mental state perhaps, Steve focused his sight on the internal political wrangling of January 1865 as Abraham Lincoln tried to get the House of Representatives to ratify the 13^th amendment to the constitution, abolishing slavery as well as bringing an end to a terrible civil war and reunifying the troubled nation.

This is a talking film. There’s a lot of talking, posturing, arguing, storytelling and speech-making. One copy of the script could be used instead of log or two on the fire for the evening. There must be at over 60 speaking roles from start to finish. The most ‘exciting’ moment in the movie is where they go through the entire House of Representatives individually getting them to vote by saying 'yay' or 'nay', which some do more colourfully than others, but even this is still more talking! All that aside, what they are actually saying on whole is worth listening to and you’ll be glad you heard it.

Daniel Day Lewis gives us the performance of his career as the man himself and without hesitation I’d hand him the Oscar for his warm, kindly yet deeply intelligent portrayal of a truly troubled man. Tommy Lee Jones gets as much screen time as Republican Congressional leader Thaddeus Stevens who rallied his people to the cause. An ageing Sally Field, without a single dollop of make-up for the role, portrayed Mary Todd-Lincoln, broken-hearted wife, daily coping with the loss of one of their sons. There's far too many other roles to detail here but I will commend Jared Harris as General Grant, James Spader as William Bilbo and Bruce McGill as Secretary Edwin Stanton.

If there is any fault with this movie it's that Spielberg is literally reaching out and demanding Oscars. It's very interesting to compare this to the last movie that seemed to do the same thing - The Kings Speech. The main difference is that the British are much nicer about making their demands, insofar as you can practically hear them saying 'please' and 'thank you' after making them. Spielberg doesn't have the same manners and it's borderline vulgar. I'm by no means saying Lincoln is not deserving of it's accolades but I think audiences who elect to see this are intelligent enough to know it's worthy without a speech or John Williams reminding us every five minutes.

Final Verdict: It's unlikely anyone could 'enjoy' this more than Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter but it's seemingly a little more historically accurate if that's your thing. I can at least acknowledge that the acting overall is far better in this movie which truly humanizes a man of legendary status.

Colonel Creedon rating: ****

Finally!

POPE BENEDICT XVI RESIGNS!!!

German born Joeseph Ratzinger, formerly of the Hitler Youth who ascended to the papacy in 2005 following the death of his predecessor Pope John Paul II, has become the first pope in 600 years to resign his office.

In his letter of resignation Pope Benedict cited a 'lack of strength' and 'ill health'. However as all popes since Pope Gregory XII in 1415 have grown old, fallen ill and died in office it seems prudent to assume that his hand was forced somehow by someone influential, for reasons which may never be revealed...

Django 'Unhinged'

Quentin Tarintino’s latest offering is Django Unchained, the story of a slave [Jamie Foxx] who is freed by Dr. King Schultz [Christoph Waltz] a bounty hunter, himself on the trail of a group of thugs whom only Django Freeman can identify. Schultz offers Django both freedom and money in return for his assistance but also trains him in his art of bounty hunting - skills that Django wishes to use to free his wife Broomhilda Von Shaft [Kerry Washington] from her own slavemasters at Candieland, a famously reprehensible slave plantation.

If you had no problem with the Inglorious Basterds shooting Adolf Hitler in the face with machine guns then the anachronistic events of Django [which is certainly even more loosely based on its period in history] won’t even faze you. I mentally accepted this element before taking my seat and I enjoyed the movie’s offering as a result. The violence quotient on screen was somewhat typical of Tarantino’s direction and many scenes left torrents of blood everywhere. Actually, some scenes were, I’m surprised to say - a little too over-the top even for Tarintino – I guess you can actually go too far with violence when it physically distracts you from telling the story. The movie is easily at least half an hour too long and the final half-hour drags the movie into the territory where you start looking at your watch. There is an incredible shoot out scene about -30:00 from the end and if the movie’s final “explosive” scene was tacked on there instead we’d have a more cohesive and satisfactory presentation [without an ‘Australian’ Tarintino! – don’t ask].

Then there is of course the script. Tarintino is an excellent writer, he’s proved it many times but what he does here, while thematically brilliant, falls short in execution. When a small child discovers a new curse-word, depending on the reaction of its supervisors, it may continue to populate it’s speech with said word. While Django’s script is great for the most part [practically everything written for Waltz and Leonardo DiCaprio is gold], it’s really as if little Quentin had just discovered the n-word and he obviously got the reaction that drove the infantile portion of his mind to repeat the word over 100 times in the script. I’m sorry, but if you’re going to claim that the constant use of the n-word is appropriate for the time, citing a desire to stay true to historical accuracy, then don’t say it about a movie set in 1858 where the protagonists are using Sharps Model 1874 Buffalo rifles and Dynamite which was invented in 1867!! Using the n-word in the manner he did is totally understandable and even expected from him at this stage but using it in the sheer amounts he did per minute was excessive and attention-seeking and deserves admonishing rather than a Golden Globe win or the Oscar nomination.

Foxx may be an Oscar winner in his own right but even as the title character, he’s nothing more than a rank amateur when acting alongside Waltz. The German actor steals the show and deserved the admiration of not only the audience but every award that he’s eligible for, he’s that good. Blood Diamond, Inception and The Departed mean that DiCaprio is no longer considered to be a fucking twerp and his turn as the eccentric slave-owner Calvin Candie is excellent but unlike Waltz his performance isn’t worthy of award. Of Samuel L. Jackson’s character Steven, I can only ask “What the fuck?” There are some interesting appearances by Don Johnson, Walton Goggins and Tom Wopat but sadly a criminal under use of Bruce Dern as well as an audience-insulting [mis]use of James Remar playing two different characters.

Final Verdict: While it should never have been considered for most of the accolades it’s earned; Django Unchained this generation’s answer to Blazing Saddles in so far as it should be taken just as seriously but just as thoroughly enjoyed.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ****

Walmart Shoplifter Plugged by Deputy Sheriff - Part 21 in my "Shoot First, Questions Never" series!

27 year old Shelly Frey, mother-of-two, was shot and killed by an off-duty sheriff’s deputy at a Walmart in Texas.

Louis Campbell, a 26-year veteran of the Harris County Sheriff’s Office, is employed as a security guard at Walmart. He was notified by store security that Frey and two accomplices had placed some items in their purses while shopping.

As there were exiting the store Campbell who was in his uniform, stopped the women and identified himself as a law-enforcement official but the trio fled to their vehicle. Campbell gave chase and opened Frey’s car door, ordering her to exit the vehicle, an order she refused to comply with. Tisa Andrews, another of the suspects, then put the vehicle in reverse while Deputy Campbell was standing between the open door and the driver’s seat.

“She threw it in reverse and tried to run over the deputy,” said Harris County Sheriff’s Office spokesperson Deputy Thomas Gilliland. “He confronted the suspects at exit of the store before they left. One female wouldn’t stop, struck the deputy with her purse, ran off.” He added, “I think it knocked him off balance and, in fear of his life and being ran over, he discharged his weapon at that point.”

Even with Frey wounded in the neck, the women still fled, but they stopped on Greens Parkway. Frey was pronounced dead at the scene when paramedics arrived. “Shelly was the perfect mom, perfect friend, perfect daughter,” said her father, Shelton Frey. “Why couldn’t you just shoot the tire, shoot the window?” said her mother Sharon Wilkerson. “Was it that serious?”

Verdict: RIGHTEOUS KILL! That's right! Although the crime itself was certainly not one to be answered with a bullet to the neck. The trifecta of Assaulting a Police Officer, Evading/Resisting Arrest and Attempted Vehicular Manslaughter means you deserve to get dropped. The real question is why was there only one shot fired? You're unlikely to take down three perps with one shot Campbell! More training for you!

Gangster Squad doesn't shoot straight

Gangster Squad is the story of a group of the toughest cops in L.A. who dispensed justice without their badges on and fought to keep East Coast Mafia types out of Los Angeles in the 1940s and 50s. It was to have been released in September, but Warner Bros. decided against releasing film with an explosive cinema shootout/massacre just a couple of months after the Aurora, Colorado shootings and there was some frantic reshoots and editing required to deliver a finished product.

The performances from Josh Brolin as dedicated squad leader Sgt. John O'Mara and Emma Stone as sultry Grace Faraday, moll to crime boss Micky Cohen were above their average. Sean Penn [Cohen] seemed to relish in his slightly over the top villain and despite the fact I despise Penn himself, his performance was faultless despite his distracting make up. Ryan Gosling however perplexed us with an extraordinarily effeminate whiny voice for his Jerry Wooters that did not sound convincing whatsoever and while Robert Patrick may be getting on a bit alright he’s not old enough to be playing Max Kennard a role that would have better suited Sam Elliot 10 years ago. I was also left wondering how many of the people in the audience would have even recognised the once great Nick Nolte playing legendary LAPD chief William H. Parker?

I really wish I could have seen the original cut because I think I'd be here singing Gangster Squads praises in a longer, better review than I can write about this. I think what we got has the makings of a masterpiece that would sit on a shelf just beneath L.A. Confidential and The Departed but the changes made literally castrated the film. As it stands now, it’s fair to good rather than the excellence it exudes from its best moments. Sadly now there’s as much wind in my sails about it as I assumed was in Ruben Zombieland Fleischer's as he signed off on the final deeply flawed cut. 

It’s easy to see where the movie was altered from the multitude of glaring plot holes that manifested themselves in the last 40 minutes or so with characters apparently developing both powers of deduction and psychic abilities not out of place in a superhero flick. I'm unsure if it was due to these changes the made it seem like the Gangster Squad was basically running about without a cohesive operational plan or what the O'Mara/Wooters friendship didn't seem to be in any way genuine, but I guess we'll never know.

Final Verdict: It’s a cinematic tragedy that this felt like a 4.5/5-Star movie that had to be butchered down to 3. As such Gangster Squad deserves to be listed as one of those wounded in the Colorado shooting.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ***

SETI targets belligerent aliens with scanning beams!

The Green Bank Telescope [Image CMU.EDU]

UNETIDA today blasted SETI for the institute's instance on performing targeted searches on inhabitable solar systems in deep space. Apparently the reckless organisation has been using the Green Bank Telescope in West Virginia to scan 86 different stars, chosen because Kepler data indicated they host potentially habitable planets by our standards.

SETI surveyed each star for 5 minutes by searching radio bands in the 1-2 GHz range for alien cell phones and Television signals as well as the spectrum beneath 5Hz which can't be produced by anything in nature. However, due to the vast distances involved in the scanning, the only signals that could have been detected were those that were intentionally aimed in our direction — which would be a deliberate effort by ETIs to signal their presence.

Unsurprisingly, the researchers noted that no signals of extraterrestrial origin were found. Despite this they remain hopeful for the future. SETI intend to expand the list of signatures they will scan for to include laser pulses and to consider civilisations on different levels of the Kardashev scale.

UNETIDA are opposed to SETI's efforts and Colonel "Whopper" Creedon, Director of Intelligence was quick to admonish the recklessness of the SETI researchers. "Goddamn fools is what they are! Sure it's infinitesimally remote that there will be some kind of signal from these places back and they are at least 1000 light years away but we've got our own issues to deal with before we start inviting ET over for coffee!"

UNETIDA resources are believed to be stretched wafer thin following a major military and scientific highly classified operation which prevented the destruction of the planet on December 21st last. At the most recent UN General Assembly, the Security Council was encouraged to put steps into motion that would see the permanent merge of UNETIDA and it's sister service UNPASID which had it's command staff wiped out in a series of unfortunate events last year. Looming U.S. defence budget cuts will likely have a detrimental effect on future operations and it's believed that unlike in the past, UNETIDA will not be able to fund operations to prevent SETI or independent researchers from their misguided and irresponsible efforts.

Source:  io9

Reaching for Jack

One of the world’s finest actors, wacky Scientologist Tom Cruise, adopts the mantle of literary character Jack Reacher in Christopher McQuarrie's adaptation of One Shot by Lee Child. A former major in the U.S. Army Military Police Corps, Reacher has since bizarrely eschewed an identity, permanent address, drivers licence and now only seems to own only the clothes he’s wearing. Despite his eccentricities however, he’s also a highly skilled investigator and when another former soldier whom Reacher failed to convict years earlier, becomes prime suspect in a multiple homicide - he demands Reacher himself assists his lawyer in investigating his case.

Cruise is joined on screen by Rosamund Surrogates Pike, Richard Killing Them Softly Jenkins, Jai Spartacus Courtney and the legendary Robert Duvall. The latter puts in the most convincing performance an an old-timer US Marine who won't walk away from a fight and relishes the chance to open fire on human beings again. And then there's Werner Herzog, the villain of the piece to which I can only bury my face in my hands in disbelief. The man is one of the worlds most prolific documentary filmmakers but he's no actor. For his [thankfully] few scenes he does nothing but sit in a chair sprouting sheer nonsense in his trademark emotionless monotone.

McQuarrie [who wrote The Usual Suspects and will helm M:I-5] has the movie play out bizarrely like a common 80’s thriller. It’s a mishmash between a bog-standard conspiracy tale at its best and a predictable Steven Segal movie at its worst. Despite the sheer nonsense of this combination, when melded with the absurdity of the Jack Reacher character and Cruise’s professional performance as well as Duvall's, this has far more a credible pedigree of an action-thriller than most movies that make such a claim these days and in fact the end result is thoroughly entertaining.

Final Verdict: They don’t make them like this anymore. Not sure of that's a good or a bad thing yet.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ***1/2