If you ever hear the phrase more than the sum of it’s parts, from now on add “…just like The Avengers!”

Ever since Nick Fury emerged from the shadows of Tony Stark’s mansion after the end credits of the original Iron Man in 2008, we were presented with the reality that The Avengers were coming to town and would appear on screen for the first time. It took six more years, an origin movie for both Thor and Captain America, plus another Iron Man and Hulk movie to set the tone and establish a linear momentum of hype. And boy did it pay off!

When you look at the individual movies, you can see that they were quite extraordinary undertakings. Marvel’s big screen treatment of their beloved comic-book heroes are practically flawless examples of how to treat the superhero genre properly, not in the deplorable fashion that DC Comics has with their movie projects since Batman Forever [Nolan’s sublime Batman efforts excluded of course]. Each Marvel/Paramount movie introduced and/or expanded The Avengers splendidly and wove in a backbone with Nick Fury, Agent Coulson and/or S.H.I.E.L.D. to keep the movies - while separate extraordinary adventures in their own right – part of a glorious cohesive universe much like their source material.

 Chris Evans played his Steve Rogers brilliantly as a man from the past, understanding little about the time he now resides but comes into his own when the going gets tough because the language of war has changed little. Chris Hemsworth turns in a much more serious performance than he did under Brannagh, evoking the responsibility he feels for his younger brother Loki and the Tesseract, unleashing such devastation on an unprepared world. While sadly The Incredible Hulk’s Edward Norton could not reprise his role as Bruce Banner, no one had had anything bad to say about Mark Ruffalo, once presumed to be the weakest link in The Avengers’ chain but who delivered a provocative and sublime performance as a man controlling constant anger, unleashing it only… to SMASH! However, there must be one star that shines above all else and that firmly belonged to Robert Downey Jr. who is now so comfortable in Tony Stark’s shoes it’s difficult to know where Downey ends and Stark begins.

The clandestine extra-governmental security agency S.H.I.E.L.D. were a major part of the movie and provided an array of great supporting characters to the big four. Samuel L. Jackson’s Nick Fury opened the movie leading the now familiar Agent Coulson [Clark Gregg], Clint “Hawkeye” Barton [the intense Jeremy Renner] from Thor and the stunning Scarlet Johansson as Natalia “Black Widow” Romanoff. Stellan Skarsgard returns as Professor Selvig from Thor and Gwyneth Paltrow reprises her role as Pepper Potts as does Paul Bettany as the voice of Jarvis. Joining them for the first time is Cobie Smulders as Agent Maria Hill, S.H.I.E.L.D.’s XO. The exquisitely sinister Tom Hiddleston returns from Thor as Loki but it's soon made clear he's only part of the real threat.

Despite all his groundwork being laid and the usual superhero origin baggage already jettisoned, The Avengers director/screenwriter Joss Whedon’s job was not without obstacles. He had to co-write a tale with such scope as to not only encompass the ideals and personalities of the heroic Avengers but make a epic spectacle worthy of them as a whole. He flawlessly crafted the movie to take advantage of each individual characters personality, power, charm and ethos in such a way that allowed them to amalgamate as one, while retaining what makes each character unique. It's not without merit to say that the greatest worry of fans worldwide was that this could not be accomplished. I do not believe that any character overshadowed another and a fan of any of the characters would be well pleased by the offering here, continuing their adventure and expanding their horizon beyond the realm of what could be expected even by the most ardent fan. Many had their doubts that this could be pulled off in an adequate fashion and that Whedon’s true magic could only be woven on the small screen, but by the time the final credits rolled the nay-sayers were put in their place and few can argue against his phenomenal accomplishment.

This magnificent celluloid spectacle is flawless in every way and I take great pleasure in naming it one of the greatest movies I've ever seen.

Colonel Creedon rating: EXEMPTION GRANTED

The frogs' new boss

As they have precious little to be proud of, the french people today made the best of a rare moment of pride to usher in the 7th president of the Fifth Republic, Francois Hollande. He arrived this morning at the 18th-century Elysee Palace where he was greeted by outgoing president Nicolas Sarkozy and they held a 40-minute private meeting. This meeting is of course to facilitate the transfer of france's nuclear codes and where a representative of UNETIDA would provide him with "The Blue Book".

After taking his oath, Hollande received the insignia of the Grand Croix from Gen. Jean-Louis Georgelin, Great Chancellor of the national order of the Legion of Honour and the necklace of the Great Master of the Order of the Legion of Honor. Each linked medallion of the necklace bears the name of a president, with Hollande's name recently added.

In his first speech, Hollande vowed to fight financial speculation but acknowledged that he inherits huge government debt. He opposes austerity measures championed by Germany in favour of government stimulus. "My mandate is to bring france back to justice, open up a new way in Europe, contribute to world peace and preserve the planet," Mr Hollande said.

Hollande also pledged to bring "dignity" to the presidential role — something voters felt that Sarkozy did not always do. Voters were disappointed over Sarkozy's handling of france's economy — which has high unemployment and low growth — and recoiled at his aggressive personality [and for france - that was saying something!]

After his inauguration, Mr Hollande stood before a military band as it played the french national anthem, La Marseillaise. As with tradition, 21 gun shots were fired above the Invalides that holds Napoleon's tomb. He shook hands with the people before reviewing troops in the palace gardens. Trailed by dozens of Republican Guardsmen on horseback and motorcycle, Hollande's hybrid Citroen DS5 rode up the center of the Champs-Elysees heading for the Arc de Triomphe, and its monument to the unknown soldier.

Hollande plans to leave shortly on his first diplomatic foray — to Berlin, where he is meeting German Chancellor Angela Merkel for a critical meeting on austerity and growth in Europe.

Movie Mini-Reviews - 15-05-12

Cabin In The Woods

Joss Whedon's fan-service film is an interesting take on the "Slasher movie" genre by injecting it with science-fiction. For anyone else this would not work but Whedon manages to pull it off quite successfully. I don't think the mindless simpletons who love horror movies will be too impressed by this though, its far to clever an idea and too well written for them to fully comprehend.

Starring: Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Jessie Williams, Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford; Whedon weaves a tale by where the staple eerie deserted cabin in the middle of nowhere is actually on top of a huge secret government-sanctioned facility with a somewhat nefarious purpose.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ***1/2

Lockout

Once you leave most of your brain at home, this is a very enjoyable B-movie starring Guy L.A. Confidential Pierce as Snow a former CIA Agent sent into an orbital maximum security prison where the inmates are running amok to both clear his name for a crime he didn't commit and to rescue the President's daughter Emilie [Maggie Taken Grace].

When you consider that this movie [with the aid of Luc Besson] was written and directed by two Irish fellas who studied in Dun Laoghaire and never directed a feature film before then you have to be fuckin' impressed. Stephen St. Leger and James Mather previously directed the most incredible short film I've ever seen - Prey Alone and this movie is an extension of the extraordinary budget-conscious ideas they explored in that. I hope to see more from them.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ****

Safe

I respectfully request that a new genre be created henceforth, known as 'The Statham'. 

This will be a sub-genre of the staple action movie but specifically characterised by:

1. starring Jason Statham

and one or more of the caveats:

2. shooting [normally while running and/or jumping]

3. running [normally while shooting]

4. driving [probably while shooting]

Safe will be the most recent offering of the genre which should be retroactively applied to The Transporter [and sequels], Crank and War to name but a few. Provisions should also be made for identifying dual genre Stathams like The Mechanic and Blitz  [Statham/Thriller] and also where there may be elements of superior traditional action not necessarily encompassed by the Statham, such as The Expendables [Statham/Action].

Safe is an excellent Statham.

Colonel Creedon Verdict: ****1/2

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

I did not initially want to see this movie, in part because I knew nothing about it and Mel Gibson's public bigotry is reaching proportions that I'm frankly uncomfortable with. Due to the current level of negative public perception of Gibson in the US, Get The Gringo [as it is known there] is a Video on Demand as opposed to a theatrical release which doesn't inspire confidence. But I guess Gibson's no Roman Polanski or Woody Allen, so when the opportunity to see this came about I said I'd give it a shot. 

It's no secret that Mexico is a practically lawless hellhole [or at least that's the impression I have from watching movies like this and seeing news reports like this] so I was surprised to discover that it even had prisons. After a dramatic chase across the border, Gibson's character finds himself in a unique prison in which the daily life and routine inside is probably better for inmates than people living outside. He befriends the son of another inmate who was killed for his liver, and due to the boy's rare blood type, he too will one day be murdered to prolong the life of the prison's most influential inmate, a Mexican crime boss.

Sadly Gibson is getting far to old to be running and shooting and at 55 is a little unconvincing here. I recall him saying that he didn't want to be a film star anymore and would act only if the script was good enough. Yes, he co-wrote this movie! Nevertheless, this is certainly a different take on the prison-movie genre and was very well paced and judged by first time director Adrian Grunberg who was Gibson's 1stAD on Apocalypto. The action scenes were thankfully unstylised in keeping with a realistic tone and I was well impressed at seeing someones eyeball explode through sunglasses that shattered - I can't recall seeing that before. I doubt this was supported by the Mexican tourist board.

Colonel Creedon Verdict: ***1/2

Happy Lucas Day

Happy Birthday George!

$1000 Scientific Gold could be a potential Alien Threat!

A meteor the size of a minivan exploded over northern California on the morning of April 22nd raining tiny fragments of a rare type of meteorite debris down over the Sierra Nevada towns of Coloma and Lotus. Since then, much like the gold rush that took place there over 150 years ago, people have flocked to the area in the hope of collecting some fragments which on the open market could fetch over $1000!

“People used to pull the gold out of the ground. Now, things fall out of the sky,” NASA research astrophysicist Scott Sandford said. “Lucky place, I guess.” The meteor fragments are the first of their kind to fall to the Earth since the '60's and the particles inside are older than the sun itself so they are of extreme importance to scientists.

CM type carbonaceous chondrite fragment. Photo credit: Earthweek

Robert Ward a 35-year-old professional meteorite hunter and dealer, drove for 16 hours and spotted a dark space pebble in the parking lot where he finally stopped. He immediately recognized it as carbonaceous chondrite, meteorites containing water and carbon — scientific gold to those studying the beginnings of the universe. "I was trembling," Ward said. "It's the rarest of the rare. It's older than the sun. It holds the building blocks of life."

“Oh they hold life alright!” said Dr. “Quantum” Pataal, Director of UNETIDA Research and Development “but not the kind we want living here!” But if UNETIDA know that the fragments could be potentially dangerous, then why allow them to be picked up and traded by civilians? “We used to have the budget for media warnings where we would claim that meteorites were ‘highly irradiated’ and have collection teams scan the area to pick them up,” said  Colonel “Whopper” Creedon, Acting Director of Intelligence for UNETIDA. Sadly in a clear sign that military funding for propaganda campaigns and scientific research was running dry; Creedon revealed that UNETIDA are basically using the civilian gatherers as potential bait for alien spores that are suspected to be inside the fragments. Creedon offered that instead of trying to collect all the meteorites themselves, it’s much easier for UNETIDA to hunt down whatever the alien spores transform the meteorite collectors into, as well as being “a lot more fun!”

Sources: CNN / L.A. Times / BBC News

Joel Goldsmith 1957-2012

It's with regret that I must announce the passing of  Joel Goldsmith, TV, Film and Video Game music composer and eldest son of the legendary Jerry Goldsmith. Goldsmith [54] died of cancer on Sunday, at his home in Hidden Hills, California.

Goldsmith's early work was deep into the electronic range of the late 70's early 80's and he earned his mark as an arranger for composer Richard Band before scoring The Man With Two Brains in '83. His father had him produce Jerry's first electronic score Runaway in '84. Their collaboration included some 20 minutes of additional music for Jerry's sublime score to Star Trek: First Contact in 1996. Among the other movies which benefit from his work are Moon 44 from 1990 which was his first symphonic score and Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence ['93] but Kull the Conqurer ['97] with a big, bold symphonic score is probably his best known movie work.

He was one of the first well known movie and TV composers to make the jump to video games when they began to cease using 16-bit audio when he scored the TCN News reports for the cutscenes for Tom Clancy's SSN for Simon and Schuster Interactive. He later scored Call of Duty 3 in 2006.

Later in his career Joel turned to TV scoring having dabbled with The Untouchables series from 1993 and The Outer Limits in 1997. He found his niche and international fame when he supplemented David Arnold's Stargate theme for the Stargate: SG-1 TV series pilot in 1997 and was kept on for 10 seasons scoring 217 episodes between 1997 and 2007. He also composed the theme and episodic music for both Stargate: Atlantis, Stargate: Universe and the Stargate: SG-1 DTV movies.

Joel Goldsmith sadly needed more time to leave the mark his father did on music as a whole but his life was tragically cut short before he could get there. If any of you heard his deeply emotional and atmospheric music from Stargate: Universe you will know he was at a turning point in his creativity and was on the road to true brilliance. Nonetheless he can rest rest in peace knowing that his contributions, especially to science fiction fans will live on. We don't forget people easily.

Olympic Missiles not UNETIDA's

UNETIDA have denied accusations that the so-called "Olympic Missiles" being planned to be deployed by the British Ministry of Defence in the London area for the Olympics this summer is for defence against an imminent Extra Terrestrial attack.

"Nonsense," said Colonel "Rockets" Thompson, UNETIDA's Missile Defence Commander earlier today. "The tactical high-velocity missiles that the British are going to place on top of populated residential flats would do little against alien tech capable of reaching and attacking the planet."

Colonel Thomson was referring to a story which appeared in the worlds news yesterday where apparently a Higher Velocity Missile system could be placed on a water tower [above] in an East London estate, where 700 people live according to leaflets received by residents from the Ministry of Defence. The MoD says that the missiles will not pose a hazard to residents and "will only be authorised for active use following specific orders from the highest levels of government in response to a confirmed and extreme security threat".

The British Army says the HVM system is "designed to counter threats from very high performance, low-flying aircraft". It says the missile travels at more than three times the speed of sound, using "a system of three dart-like projectiles to allow multiple hits on the target". The missiles can be fired from the shoulder, from a lightweight multiple launcher or from armoured vehicles.

Residents of the gated flats on Bow, East London were wary over the plan according to spokesman Brian Whelan a resident and journalist. "From the few people I've spoken to, and the security we have here, they're not happy about it," he said. "I don't think it needs to be here at all. They say they'll only use them as a last resort, but... you'd shower debris across the east end of London by firing these missiles."

Mr Whelan, who claims to have seen soldiers carrying a crate into the building, said his property management company put up posters and gave out the leaflets [above] on Saturday.

Colonel Thompson assured the press that if UNETIDA had to fire off any of the class of missiles it controls that debris would be "the last thing folks would be worried about".

Read more at BBC News and FOX News.

Vampires attack Indian villages!

For the past few months, the villages of Gundalapatti and Mottangurichi near the Indian town of Dharmapuri have been deserted by 18:00 every day. Villagers are confining themselves indoors and no one goes out after dark for fear of attack from the roaming undead!

As strange as it sounds, the villagers are sure vampires (Ratha Kaatteri) have been attacking their cattle and could harm them as well. For some unknown reason, the cattle have been dying one after the other. Locals have now painted holy "namam" signs outside homes and written messages on doors asking vampires to spare them for the night.

Amused, members of the Indian political party Dravidar Kazhagam have announced 100,000 rupee [almost $2000] reward to anyone catching a vampire in the villages. “It is a big hoax. Anti-socials whose illegal night activities such as bootlegging and liquor brewing have been disturbed are spreading rumours and killing cattle,” said O. Jayaraman, who announced the reward. “Since people are not willing to believe us, we have challenged them with this reward."

The United Nations Paranormal and Supernatural Interdiction Directorate [UNPASID] has condemned the politicians action. "The last thing we need is some amateur Blade or Buffy running around the outskirts of Dharmapuri with silver, garlic, holy water and wooden stakes hoping to bag a leech" said Brigadier “Walrus” Jones, Assistant Director of UNPASID. "This is a job best left to professionals."

Source: IO9 / The DailyTelegraph / The Mail Online / The Deccan Chronicle

Kim Jong-un! More limp-dicked than daddy?

North Korea's latest attempt to launch a long-range rocket has once again ended in a complete failure. The reclusive country's new young leader Kim Jong-un has proved himself as impotent as his father – maybe even more so as in an unprecedented move – he admitted failure!

Embarrassingly, North Korea’s rocket flew for between 1.5 and 2 minutes covering a just over 100km before exploding over the Yellow Sea. This was much less than the last rocket in 2009 that overflew Japan. North Korea said its much hyped long-range rocket launch failed and the state now faces international outrage over the attempt.

The epic fail immediately raised questions over the impoverished nation's reclusive leadership which maintains one of the world's largest standing armies but which cannot feed its people without outside aid, largely from its solitary powerful backer, China. "The failed launch turns speculation toward the ramifications for the leadership in Pyongyang: a fireworks display gone bad on the biggest day of the year," said Scott Snyder of the Council on Foreign Relations.

The uncharacteristic admission of failure by the DPRK to 23 million people watching a state TV broadcast last night is a major discussion point however. "It could be indication of subtle change in the  leadership in how they handle these things, something that may be different from the past," said Baek Seung-joo of the Korea Institute of Defense Analyses. “It would have been unthinkable for them to admit this kind of failure in the past. The decision to have come out with the admission had to come from Kim Jong-un."

More importantly the launch is in breach of United Nations Security Council resolution 1874 and drew condemnation from the United States, Russia, Japan and South Korea and threats to tighten the already harsh sanctions aimed at stopping Pyongyang developing nuclear weapons. The concern is that they’re using launches to perfect the technology that would enable them to construct a warhead delivery system capable of striking the United States. North Korea has repeatedly defended its right to launch rockets for what it says are peaceful purposes and may have invested hundreds of millions of dollars in this latest failed attempt.

UNETIDA, who some conspiracy theorists believe prevented N.Korea’s previous launches has denied using their orbital “Skyshield” laser to destroy the North Korean rocket. “We were monitoring the situation closely and while we do have some broad-ranging powers to use Skyshield to defend and protect our trans-atmospheric technological infrastructure, we did not need take any preventative action against the feeble attempts of North Korea to make an orbital launch” said Colonel “Rockets” Thompson UNETIDA’s Missile Defence Commander. “Seriously, they’d have more luck trying to launch a satellite using a hot air balloon!”

The North American Aerospace Defense Command, NORAD, said the first stage rocket broke up in mid-flight inside the Earth's atmosphere and fell into the sea west of South Korea, and the remainder was deemed to have failed. "No debris fell on land," NORAD said. "At no time were the missile or the resultant debris a threat. The White House released a statement condemning the launch, saying: "Despite the failure of its attempted missile launch, North Korea's provocative action threatens regional security, violates international law and contravenes its own recent commitments." In response to the launch, Washington announced it was suspending plans to contribute food aid to the North in exchange for a rollback of its nuclear programs.

Source: Reuters / FOX News

John Carter of Waterworld

John Carter of Mars, a worthy tome from Edgar Rice Burroghs which Disney sought to be converted into a science fiction blockbuster so people with an aversion to the picture less written word could enjoy the tale as it was meant to be - in glorious 3D. Sadly a wealth of production issues which saw not one, but two reshoots - brought this enormous turkey to our cinema screens and forced the entire Disney corporation to declare a loss this quarter. That’s what you get for giving the best part of a quarter of a billion dollars to Andrew Stanton the animation director who brought us Wall-E for his first live action attempt. Stanton’s defence “I’m not going to get it right first time!” and he’s right, but I’d find it unbelievably to think he’ll be given a second chance.

Assuming that signing the contract was his first, Stanton's second mistake was Taylor Kitsch a more notable TV actor who played Gambit in Wolverine, in other words not someone you'd take a $250m risk on. I won’t say Kitsch was wooden as much as he was vanilla flavoured coke – you can’t judge it until you’ve tried it and now I’m worried about Battleship knowing he’s the lead because vanilla coke is something I've had to spit out. Something that may have contributed to the movie's hefty price tag was a smorgasbord of well-known supporting cast members. Dominic Centurion West and Mark Sherlock Holmes Strong served as dual villains, Willem Defoe and Samantha Morton lent their voice talents to the Thrakks with Ciaran Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy Hinds and James Ironclad Purefoy rounding off the cast. The best work was done by composer Michael Giacchino who produced more "perfume for a turd" as he did so wonderfully with Land of the Lost and Speed Racer.

Another problem was that the marketing for this movie was as anemic as Lionsgate had for Conan The Barbarian. Practically non-existent exposure and attempting to convince people at every turn that John Carter wasn't a science fiction epic [to the degree that they removed "of Mars" from its title] didn't help the movie at all. Did they know they had produced something to rival Waterworld as the biggest disgrace on celluloid? It would seem so. It is now confirmed as the biggest box-office bomb in movie history.

I’d have to regard the movie as “mildly entertaining” in so far as I’ve often wondered what it would be like if you could try to meld Star Wars and Flash Gordon together. The hero rescuing a princess that as it turns out can take care of herself was straight out of Star Wars, and the Thrakk arena not only looked like Geonosis from Attack of the Clones but it pitted man against beast in much the same way and ends with one of the main antagonists getting beheaded as fairly lively as Jango Fett; we’ve seen it all before and obviously done much better. The Thrakk were basically Flash Gordon’s Hawkmen who arrive at the last minute to turn the tide of battle and... and... bloody hell this movie was shit… I don’t need to write anymore, just accept it…

Colonel Creedon Rating: *

Movie Mini-Reviews - 27-03-12

Underworld: Awakening

No need for any kind of elaboration here:

Kate Bekinsale dons her tight leather and reprises her role as Selene after her absence in the lacklustre prequel previous to this installment. There was excellent use of 3D much like it was in Resident Evil 4 and the gore quotient increased exponentially this time round securing a future place in my Blue Ray collection.

Win

Colonel Creedon Rating: ****1/2

Chronicle

NBC’s Heroes [more importantly its first season] dealt with how some ordinary people discovered some extraordinary powers after a solar eclipse. It was well written, directed, acted and produced and lasted four years because of it.

Chronicle is the result of someone watching Heroes and thinking: “How do I make this into a movie for the Youtube-obsessed crowd? – I know we’ll get three unknown [but very good] actors that we can pay in peanuts and shoot them in a dizzyingly distracting way focussing on how they deal with tremendous power while leaving the question of who/why they get their powers unanswered”.

Many went to see it but only the Youtube crowd could enjoy it. Ironic that the word "Chronic" is in the title.

Colonel Creedon Rating: *1/2

Safe House

Low-ranking CIA agent Matt Weston [Ryan Reynolds] wishes for a promotion out of his dead-end posting to Cape Town, but his mentor Barlow [Brendan Gleeson] is happy to keep him there a little while longer. When notorious ex-CIA double agent Tobin Frost [Denzel Washington], on the run from some nefarious individuals, surrenders himself to the US Embassy – he is sent to Weston's “Safe House” a secure facility where Frost can be held and waterboarded before he enters the US judicial system. Agent Linklater [Vera Farmiga] sends a CIA team to protect Frost led by Kiefer [Robert Patrick] which fails to prevent an attack by the people who really want him and so young agent Weston grabs his “house guest” and flees.

What follows is a well paced action/chase thriller with some excellent performances from it's star-studded cast including a surprise appearance from Ruben Blades as the counterfeiter Villar and Sam Shephard in an equally rare appearance as CIA director Whitford. The action is tight and was realistic right up until the last 5-10 minutes when the characters seem to adopt a level of Hollywood invincibility in an ending that has me suspect that it wasn’t filmed as originally written but it thankfully does not detract too much from the value production as a whole.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ****

Contraband

Mark Whalberg, Ben Foster and Kate Bekinsale [no leather this time] star in this by-the-numbers thriller which while is exciting at times - is so utterly predictable it takes some of the cine-magic away. More entertaining than the baseline bog-standard but not as good as Wahlberg’s previous movie in this vein – The Italian Job. Worth watching for J.K. Simmons’ performance as the antagonising freighter captain.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ***

Armageddon One test successful

UNETIDA have revealed to the UN Security Council that their test of the most powerful tactical nuclear strike device has been successful on the surface of Mars. "Normally we blow stuff up on the far side of the moon but this was going to be so big we had to put it out further" said Dr. "Quantum" Pataal, Director of UNETIDA Research and Development.

The Armageddon One warhead delivery platform entered orbit of Mars earlier in the month and launched the most powerful nuclear device ever conceived at the surface of the Red Planet. "This was one of UNETIDA's greatest achievements" Pataal said as nuclear scientists from the U.S., India and China came together "to create something of such raw destructive power - it can only be described as beautiful."

Amateur astronomers had been wondering about a "towering cloud" this week captured in a photograph by Wayne Jaeschke who knew it was something unusual. He posted the photo on the site Cloudy Nights, explaining that sources had suggested it was a high-altitude water-ice cloud over Mars' Acidalia region.

Colonel "Whopper" Creedon, Acting Director of Intelligence of UNETIDA offered that the sources Mr. Jaeschke referred to were under UNETIDA control. "We obviously have to cover this up," he reported to the council "and it's easy when you have a back door into the operations of NASA's Mars Odyssey orbiter." Creedon outlined that any images from Thermal Emission Imaging System, or THEMIS, which is one of the instruments on the orbiter can be "doctored" in almost real-time to give the impression of a naturally occurring phenomena to the observers at The Mars Space Flight Facility at Arizona State University.

Despite some setbacks of Soyuz launches in 2011, Russia accepted responsibility for propelling Armageddon One to Mars and the rocket "Спокойствие" [Tranquility] was understood to have been launched from the Baikonur Cosmodrome in late September.

Earth assaulted by a solar storm...

…but hey how come we’re all still using the Internet!!!

Many consider the events of the past few of days to have been blown out of proportion by the media as much as they did with the Y2K bug in 1999 when we were given visions of aircraft suddenly falling out of the sky and nuclear reactor cooling towers going offline. Solar flares expending from the Sun last week triggered a storm of charged particles known as a coronal mass ejection which on Thursday battered the Earth’s magnetic field which protects the planet from harmful solar radiation. Scientists warned that this could have disrupted power grids, satellite navigation and plane routes but there was no significant impact other than the NOAA declaring a R3 level radio blackout and some aircraft routes diverted from the polar regions.

So why wasn’t there significant power surges or major disruptions to worldwide communications? Could it be that the storms above our atmosphere weren’t powerful enough to significantly shake our magnetic field or had the boffins just been over-cautious in their analysis? In truth it was neither and in a closed session of the UN General Assembly in NYC on Saturday morning, the truth was revealed…

“Worse case scenario was of course that the storm could have depolarised the magnetic field and irradiated every living thing on the planet” warned Dr. “Cloudburst” Hunt, UNETIDA's representative to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. “I’m sure that’s one way that the universe will reset the balance between man and nature but the magnitude of current solar activity is only threatening to unleash the same devastation as a planet wide EMP pulse.” Hunt added that while losing all our technological achievements since the invention of electricity would be a devastating blow to modern civilisation - it wasn’t as if we had no warning or were powerless to stop it.

“We always have a plan!” said Dr. “Quantum” Paatal, Director of UNETIDA Research and Development. “It just sometimes depends if we have the technology to implement it.” Pataal explained that within the past five years UNETIDA researchers discovered that a race of powerful aliens visited the Mediterranean Basin some 5000 years ago and "influenced" the Egyptian, Greek and Roman civilisations throughout their history. "We discovered that the 'keys' to our own survival had been given to us in the hope we would work together and combine them to protect ourselves from the Sun. "Sadly" said Pataal "The world does not work like that and with time running out we had to violate a few conventions."

"The Earth is not going down on my watch!" bellowed Colonel "Whopper" Creedon, Acting Director of Intelligence for UNETIDA. The Colonel revealed that he released powerful Extra-Terrestrial technology to thwart the Sun's plans influence the course of our existence. "It's all very complicated and no one will understand, let alone believe me if I explained"  he said. Creedon informed the assembly that last year he recovered an ancient Egyptian key, "liberated" from a plundered museum during Arab Spring and that last month he had dispatched UNETIDA Special Operators posing as thieves to retrieve a similar artifact from Greece's Ancient Olympia museum. The Colonel stopped sort of detailing what form the keys themselves took - for reasons of planetary security - but he did say that they were placed in a type of lock that was recently unearthed at excavations at Palatine Hill in Rome, one of the earliest sites of Roman civilisation.

“I must stress that while the timing of Arab Spring and the collapse of the Greek Economy were fortunate to have occurred at the most opportune times for our retrieval operations," continued Creedon. "I must make it abundantly clear that UNETIDA categorically denies involvement in suspected engineering of those events, we only used them as cover for our clandestine operations necessary to protect member states from threats outside the boundaries of international law in accordance with our mandate.” The was said presumably because Russia currently suspects that Arab Spring was started by the United States and Europe in an attempt to exert more control in the region.

A member of the UN assembly asked the UNETIDA contingent if the alien technology deployment that saved the planet was a permanent solution to our woes from solar storms in the future. Neither Dr. Pataal or Dr. Hunt could affirmatively reassure the delagate it was so. Creedon only offered: "We are not gods! - But we're the closest thing you have!"

SETI is crowdsourcing

Crowdsourcing [basically getting a whole load of enthusiastic interested people to do your testing for you] as a method of obtaining data has proved to be a very useful tool for scientists in a range of disciplines. For years the Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence has been using the computers of willing participants to analyse their information, but now they are looking for a more active "human" element.

At the TED (Technology, Entertainment and Design) conference in Los Angeles last week, SETI announced that they will begin streaming radio frequencies that are transmitted from the Allen Telescope Array through a new website Setilive.org. Users of the site will be asked to search for signs of unusual activity within the frequencies as it is hoped that the human brain can discover something the automated system may not catch.

Seti Live is the latest stage SETI's quest "to empower Earthlings everywhere to become active participants in the ultimate search for cosmic company". Dr Jillian Tarter, Director of the SETI Institute's Center for SETI Research has devoted her career to the search and is head of the new initiative. "There are frequencies that our automated signal detection systems now ignore, because there are too many signals there," she said. "Most are created by Earth's communication and entertainment technologies, but buried within this noise there may be a signal from a distant technology. I'm hoping that an army of volunteers can help us deal with these crowded frequency bands that confuse our machines. By doing this in real time, we will have an opportunity to follow up immediately on what our volunteers discover."

Colonel "Whopper" Creedon, Acting Director of Intelligence for UNETIDA, condemned SETI's work as a "nuisance" and called Seti Live "dangerous and irresponsible" as he warned that the program participants may inadvertently hasten an attempted invasion by an almost certainly belligerent alien race that could cause unprecedented damage to our way of life. It is believed that the Colonel will have UNETIDA Information & Communications introduce a "rogue" signal into the Allen Array to keep Seti Live enthusiasts baffled and out of his hair for years.

R.I.P. Ralph McQuarrie 1929 - 2012

Legendary concept artist Ralph McQuarrie, credited with creating the look of many Star Wars characters, planets and spacecraft for George Lucas has died at his home in Berkeley, California aged 82.

"I am deeply saddened by the passing of such a visionary artist and such a humble man," Lucas said in a statement at the weekend. "Ralph McQuarrie was the first person I hired to help me envision Star Wars. His genial contribution, in the form of unequalled production paintings, propelled and inspired all of the cast and crew of the original Star Wars trilogy. When words could not convey my ideas, I could always point to one of Ralph's fabulous illustrations and say, 'Do it like this.'" In fact, the Samurai-inspired black helmet and caped-outfit worn by arch nemesis Darth Vader was McQuarrie's work. It was his idea to put a breathing apparatus on Vader’s mask, so that he could survive in the vacuum of space and which led to the villain’s raspy voice in the films.

Even after the unprecedented success of American Graffiti, United Artists and Universal Pictures made the greatest mistakes in the history of errors when they each rejected the science fiction idea of a young George Lucas in the early ‘70’s, dismissing it as box office poison. Had the fledgling deity walked into his early meetings with 20th Century Fox in 1975 without what he did bring to explain his fantastical and ingenious imaginings, it may never have happened that Star Wars would become the phenomenon, religion and way of life it is today. Lucas enlisted Ralph McQuarrie to show Fox executives his story. Using Lucas’ visionary script for inspiration, McQuarrie drew scenes of epic space battles and warriors brandishing swords made of laser light. Armed with some two dozen such images, Lucas won funding from Fox and thusly McQuarrie is widely credited with shaping Lucas’ galaxy far, far away.

The original Star Wars characters: Han Solo, Starkiller Hero, Chewbacca, C3PO and R2D2

Born Ralph Angus McQuarrie on June 13, 1929, in Gary, Indiana, he grew up on a farm outside Billings, Montana. As a youngster he constructed model aircraft and was fascinated by space exploration throughout his life. He saw combat with the U.S. Army in Korea and survived a bullet to the head. The round punctured his helmet, bloodying his skull. After the war he attended what is now known as the Art Center College of Design in Pasadena. He began worked as an illustrator for a dental business drawing teeth and dentist’s tools before becoming a technical artist for Boeing in the ‘60’s and drew diagrams for the 747 construction manual. Later he was an illustrator for CBS and created animation sequences of the Apollo missions. Following his work for CBS he came into contact with Hal Barwood and Matthew Robbins, who had worked with Lucas on THX-1138, about designing a science fiction film. Through their work Lucas met with McQuarrie and asked him to design what ultimately became Star Wars.

McQuarrie served as an artist for all three episodes of the original Star Wars trilogy, and many of the illustrations which served as a base for what would evolve into the final character or spacecraft of the saga are known and revered by both casual and dedicated fans alike. Star Wars prequel illustrator Iain McCaig, called McQuarrie a pioneer of film conceptual art and before him, few directors called on artists to help visualize their projects. “He didn’t just draw a picture of Darth standing in a neutral pose,” McCaig said, “he did a scene of Darth lashing out at Luke Skywalker. You could feel the power and the pathos going on in that moment. He did more than just design costumes - He helped capture the the story-telling moments in really dazzling pictures.”

In The Empire Strikes Back, McQuarrie makes a cameo appearance in a scene inside the hanger during the Battle of Hoth. As part of Hasbro’s efforts to reproduce each and every character who has ever appeared in the saga: his character General Pharl McQuarrie was released as an action figure during the 30th Anniversary celebration of the movie. McQuarrie’s vibrant artwork also brought dramatic scenery and lifelike characters to realisation in such classics as Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Raiders of the Lost Ark and E.T. He was part of a team that won the 1985 Academy Award for best visual effects for his work on Cocoon. He also worked on the original Battlestar Galactica TV series, Back to the Future, Total Recall and the project that was to become Star Trek:The Motion Picture. His survivors include Joan, his wife of 29 years.

Sources: CNN, BBC, The Washington Post

WOW past its prime

On Wednesday Blizzard Entertainment announced it was to axe 600 staff worldwide from their Internet game development unit, primarily World of Warcraft. The blinker-wearing idiots that wouldn't admit that WOW was on a never-ending spiralling downfall will hopefully understand the true implications of these job losses, 200 of which will be in their Cork facility.

Blizzard opened its complex in Cork, Ireland as a European customer support centre in '07 and employment soared from an initial projection of just 100 jobs. Supported by the IDA in '09 then-Taoiseach Brian Cowen launched a massive 500 job expansion bringing the total Irish employment to almost 900. Over 12 million people worldwide subscribed to World of Warcraft - their largest game - and the Cork centre was able to provide support, advice and product information in 25 European languages.

Wednesday's news shocked both the Government and the IDA given that the computer games industry is globally enjoying booming sales. Blizzard claims that about 10% of these redundancies will come directly from game development, while the majority of redundancies affecting other areas of the business. "Constant evaluation of teams and processes is necessary for the long-term health of any business," Blizzard chief executive and co-founder Mike Morhaime said.

“Their subscriber base for World of Warcraft is getting smaller, so they are adjusting their cost structure for that decline” said Sterne Agee analyst Arvind Bhatia although I do believe some of the blame can be laid squarely at my own feet. Despite enjoying the RTS WarCraft series, I never endorsed World of Warcraft myself, dismissing it as too "gaudy" for a fantasy setting and that its animation was much to "stylised" for my liking, throwing my hat in with Turbine's Dungeons and Dragons Online instead. My non-public shunning of StarCraft 2's piecemeal release and my equally unvoiced declaration that - while I loved the Diablo series - I would not support Diablo 3 as it does not feature a Paladin [or any kind of divine-powered heavily armoured large sword-wielding hero archetype] may also account for Blizzard's decline if someone got wind of it.

Chances are, they'll need to hire again when the mindless sheep flock to this TITAN!

The 84th Academy Awards

Never before have I had so little invested in the Oscars. A phenomenally poor line up of overrated nonsense was being praised by the world’s most self-congratulatory group of attention-seekers. My interest was only piqued when Meryl Streep once again added to her collection for her portrayal of the great Margaret Thatcher. Naturally I frowned in disgust as Transformers: Dark of the Moon’s most deserving technical awards were shunned in favour of something unworthy. Best Picture went to an oh-so-original black and white silent movie and I think in an age of THX and Real 3D it was if the Academy was declaring a big “Fuck You!” to the world's audiences – pathetic. Kudos though to the wonderful Christopher Plummer, who is almost as old as Oscar, for Best Supporting Actor and the legendary James Earl Jones who received an honorary award.

There were a few interesting presentations to say the least, Ben Stiller played it straight for once against Emma Stone’s overly enthusiastic “new girl” while Will Farrell caused some racket with Zach Galifianakis they bashed cymbals together with their trademark brand of humorous antics. Sadly however Angelina Jolie proved that no matter how much leg she showed on stage, she’ll never upstage the delicate elegance of Natalie Portman who was by far the most resplendent of the evening even in her understated  gown. I was also surprised to have missed the memo where it was declared that Chris Rock would no longer be funny as he crashed and burned with some lame attempts at humour but Robert Downey Jr. didn’t disappoint by having his own personal camera crew with him filming a “Live Documentary” as he presented with Iron Man co-star Gwyneth Paltrow.

Despite the vacuously boring subject matter nominated this year, the production as a whole was saved by two major entertaining elements. These were the magnificent compositions of the prince of film composition himself - Hans Zimmer who scored the event splendidly and composed the greatest theme ever for any awards ceremony of all time and the hilarious presentation from Billy Crystal whose performance makes you wonder what muppet decides on giving the job to the likes of Anne Hathaway and James Franco. All I can say was thanks be to Lucas that Brett Ratner is a bigot and his antics caused the has-been Eddie Murphy to bow out gracefully. I won’t go so far as to say that it was Crystal’s best performance yet, but he stole the show with his trademark jokes without descending into Ricky Gervais territory, because Crystal doesn’t need to: “And now may I present a reoccurring fantasy of mine, Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz!” – and when introducting Christian Bale he warned the audience to "stay out of his eyeline!" - gold.

More next year.

When fame is confused with worth

I read a quite frankly ridiculous comment earlier somewhere from someone who wrote that America was "diminished" due to the loss of Whitney Houston at the weekend. I've heard some pretty nonsensical drivel from people on this here Internet [I'll admit to even adding to it], but that one was a doozy.

People, America is not diminished in any way because "one of her most talent daughters" [that was another one] was gone. I'm not saying she wasn't talented, she had a great voice, but America [and the world in fact] lost this talent years ago already when Houston choose drugs and alcohol over her career and descended into the abyss of excess and addiction. This weekend only saw the passing of a sad and pathetic forgotten shadow of a once great talent.

How I long for a day when the media acknowledges true heroes with the same zeal they use to glorify idiotic junkies. Sadly the same media machine like most other days fails to properly acknowledge the losses that truly diminish America - her patriots and defenders who perish in the sands of a distant land as they give their lives to bring freedom, democracy and a better way of life to those less fortunate.

Let us acknowledge the death of US Marine Lance Corporal Osbrany Montes De Oca, 20, from North Arlington, New Jersey, with the 2nd Marine Division, who was killed in action on Friday during an ambush by enemy forces in Helmand province and US Army Private 1st Class Cesar Cortez, 24, with the 32nd Army Air and Missile Defense Command from Oceanside, California, who died in a motor vehicle accident on Saturday in Bahrain supporting Operation Enduring Freedom.

You see, anyone with any kind of voice can sing but some are just better than others and society would have us believe that those are to be held in greater esteem. However, a precious few will volunteer to pick up a weapon and fight for what they believe in. Houston, De Oca and Cortez choose dangerous paths that could have - and did lead to their deaths. It's just annoying that the one idiot amongst them will be mourned by the most people.

Victory? - Webisode 1

The colonel plays a Ministry officer in "Victory?"

For years I have remained at my post vigilantly guarding against the alien menace. Unknown to the vast majority of Earth patriots, UNETIDA protect planetary citizens on a daily basis. While my unit and I maintain the highest level of alert readiness, our actions are highly classified and blissful ignorance reigns amongst the citizenry. But what would a world be like without UNETIDA? What would happen if we failed? I was approached by filmmaker John Vaughan to act as a military consultant on a fictional account of this terrifying idea. Joined on screen by some of Ireland's finest actors including Dave Split Second Duffy and Jonathan Patriot Games Ryan, it is my great honour to finally be able to provide for you shocking televised entertainment that paints the truest portrait of the threat we oppose.

For a chilling glimpse into this (luckily) fictional world, visit this link, watch Webisode 1 of Victory? and cast your vote using your Facebook details. This is a competition and we Marines never shrink from a fight. Rally to my cause and support this fine team who have worked fervently in service to you and show your appreciation by voting for Victory.

Colonel "Whopper" Creedon

U.N.'s dysfunctional payroll system highlighted

During their investigation into "irregularities" within the UNPASID and UNETIDA organisations over the past number of months, the Special Investigation Committee are believed - but unconfirmed to have discovered startling miscalculations in budget and personnel payroll. These beliefs may now be compounded by a newly released report by the Committee’s parent organisation, the U.N.'s internal watchdogs - the Office of Internal Oversight Services [OIOS] who have now highlighted that the system employed to track and manage employees and payroll across the U.N. Secretariat as being far removed from the normal world of accounting: you know the one where books balance, who works where is known, and giant undocumented inexplicable variations in payroll records are questioned instantly.

 

Not in the magical land of the U.N. however where: personnel records list thousands of employees for the NYC Secretariat but are paid elsewhere, 1,000 employees from other U.N. organizations are on the Secretariat payroll even though they do not appear in the Secretariat system as personnel, and when the OIOS themselves tried to perform a matching function they turned up differences worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in a single month, or nearly $5 million on an annualized basis. Additionally, new employees who work on the antiquated personnel system have not had training, while retirements have whittled down the number of veterans who actually know what they're doing. One obvious implication is that budget projections and reports to the nations that pay the U.N.’s bills and oversee its operations could potentially be works of fiction in comparison to the reality of the situation. Forensic accounting experts say that all of the things identified in the OIOS report point to a situation ripe for error and potentially exploitable.

 

In response, the U.N. itself claim the issues raised by the report no longer exist. U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon’s spokesman, Martin Nesirky, declared on behalf of the U.N.’s Department of Management that the concerns had been taken care of  "the reports used to assess the accuracy of the payroll results were found to be accurate by OIOS. The minor variances identified during the audit process were related to minor bugs in a very limited number of accounting reports. The fixing of those bugs, will be done no later than June 2012."

 

The OIOS report notes that the neglect of training was because the staffing managers expected their old payroll system to be replaced by Umoja, a sophisticated, computer and software platform, and so assumed they didn't have to finance keeping people updated on how to run the old system. The problem is that it didn't work out that way and the system was supposed to be completed by the end of 2012, at a cost of $312 million but it will now be 2015. One would think that if U.N.’s technology is in such dire shape, as is the high-tech solution to all the problems, then no one can be sure that the chaos outlined in watchdog report has been dealt despite the Department of Management's claim.

Read more at FoxNews.

Don't play the Game of Shadows

The anticipated sequel to Guy Richie’s seminal interpretation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Homes character, sadly does not continue in the same vein as it’s predecessor with Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows. It’s with a heavy heart I must report that the movie is a bitterly disappointing experience overall and captures none of the magic which brought the series to life. Yes there were some very entertaining moments and grandiose set pieces but there was far too much substance missing from this that it mostly fell apart under the weight of its ambition to be “bigger, better, funnier” [as it’s misleading publicity tagline went] than 2010’s Sherlock Holmes. Was part of it crushed under the weight of audience expectations for this to at least equal its predecessor? Perhaps, but the blame for this class of  nonsense can’t be laid at the feet of its audience.

I’m was questioning if Robert Downey Jnr. was back on the 'hard shit' after observing his performance here. While Holmes is indeed somewhat unhinged, he wasn’t a complete Section-8 as Downey goes out of his way to present him in this almost mockery of the character. If the man wants to show us he can do completely batshit crazy then he should keep it for a different project and not display it here.  In addition to Downey's epic fail, we also had an “oh so hilarious” eccentric nude homosexual performance from Steven Fry [also completely overacting], Jarrid Harris thankfully put in a subdued performance and I think did a better job than Mark Strong in the original even though his role here probably caused for a Jeremy Irons in Dungeons and Dragons. It was Jude Law who was actually the only star who seemed to take the movie seriously. In fact there was times when looking at Law that I could see him thinking “what the fuck’s going on here?” – and they weren’t Dr. Watson’s thoughts – they were Law’s “what the fuck’s going on here?”

Hans Zimmer composed a subtle jolly little theme for Holmes in the original and it was brought back for the sequel only now the score was three times louder with a 175% increase in instrumentation. I’d like to think that Zimmer composed such an over-the-top loud noisy score to both keep people awake by drowning out the abysmal dialog and generally distract us from the level of sheer nonsense on screen, but in my maturity I think not. No I conclude Zimmer got lost in some quasi-Wagnerian berserker-rage and composed this while foaming at the mouth.

In retrospect while watching Game of Shadows, I was reminded of both The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and The Wild Wild West [yes the Will Smith one]. As bad as this was it won’t be as bad as either of those reprehensible stains on celluloid but one would think that Hollywood would have learned about trying to marry modern standards with older genres - outside science fiction that is. This is rarely accomplished successfully and Brotherhood of the Wolf is the only example I can think of in recent memory where it has worked. While I can hardly argue that Sherlock Holmes was classically made, as Richie borrowed heavily from the techniques which have made him famous – where Sherlock Homes is to Lock Stock… and Snatch, Game of Shadows is to Rock ‘n’ Rolla and Revolver – basically Richie just vanishes up his own arse and completely ruins everything.

Final Verdict: Avoid, even on BD or DL.

Colonel Creedon Rating: *1/2