Lesson 1: Think before you speak

If I didn't shoot my mouth off every now and again I'd have two or three stars on my shoulder by now. But it's hard sometimes. Anyone who's worn the uniform has felt at least the slightest frustration when you have to take an order from someone for whom the closest they've got to war was sitting in the front row while watching a screening of Black Hawk Down. But at the best of times we suck it up and say "yes sir" to the man in the suit who has been democratically elected by you, the voters to give us, the fighting men, our orders.

We do our venting by mouthing off to each other in closed circles, wishing for the glory-days of Reagan or whomever embodied the greatest leader we've had in our own opinion. It's secret. What we do not do is give an interview to one of the most popular magazines on the face of the earth, criticising current senior administration officials and mocking them for all the word to read. That is however, exactly what US Army General Stanley A. McChrystal, Commander, International Security Assistance Force and US Forces Afghanistan and his staff did for Rolling Stone this month.

Last year SECDEF Robert Gates asked for US Army General David D. McKiernan's resignation as Commander, ISAF and USFOR-A. Gates said new leadership was needed as the new administration of President Barack Obama launched a new strategy in the seven-year-old Afghanistan war. McKiernan was replaced by General McChrystal [right] who began his command in May '09, with an assessment of the war effort as his first task.

While it was unusual to have a wartime commander removed even during a change in administration [the tlast time it had been done was when President Truman replaced General MacArthur in Korea], McChrystal was described as "a driven visionary with the fortitude and intelligence to turn the war around" he had a wealth of experience in counter-insurgency as a Special Ops officer in difference to McKiernan who was a more traditional military commander and retired with full honours after being replaced.

For the most part, the substitution worked. Based on McChrystal’s original assessment, President Obama ordered an additional 30,000 U.S. troops to Afghanistan. Under his direction, US and ISAF operations in Afghanistan have achieved a greater degree of success and a number of high-profile surges like Operation: Moshtarak in February were successful in the end [despite some civilian casualties]. In March, McChrystal began to exercise a perceived over-arching authority over Special Operations forces, which I will say drew some fire from myself, but as I said; sometimes I shoot my own mouth off.

Despite McChrystal's military achievements, he has a history of making waves. Late in '09, as Obama was weighing how to adjust Afghanistan policy, McChrystal spoke bluntly and publicly about his desire for even more troops — earning a scolding from the president, who felt the general was trying to box him into a corner. But the Rolling Stone article was not something that could be answered by a scolding, it was time for McChrystal to do the honourable thing and avoid the indignity of being fired.

President Obama has selected the current Commander of US Central Command, Army General David H. Petraeus to replace General McChrystal. As McChrystal had been employing some of the tactics that Petraeus himself had hammered out at CENTCOM and what Petraeus developed while in command of US and coalition Forces in Iraq previous to that; it was seen as a logical choice that Petraeus himself step in to replace his disgraced colleague. It is technically a step down for the man known as "King David" who up until now had held the senior military position in direct administration of both the Iraq and Afghanistan conflicts and who made the news himself only last week.

General McChrystal himself said in a statement: “This morning the president accepted my resignation as commander of U.S. and NATO coalition forces in Afghanistan”. “I strongly support the president’s strategy in Afghanistan and am deeply committed to our coalition forces, our partner nations and the Afghan people. It was out of respect for this commitment and the desire to see the mission succeed that I tendered my resignation.”

The President himself said: “Over the last nine years with America fighting wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, he has earned a reputation as one of our nation’s finest soldiers, but war is greater than any one man or woman, whether a private, a general or a president. As difficult as it is to lose General McChrystal, I believe it is the right decision for our national security.” In nominating General Petraeus, Obama reiterated that the change in leadership marks a change in personnel, not policy.

Posted as a reminder to think before you speak. Each of us is entitled to say what we think, just not in uniform.

Here is the Rolling Stone article online.

Source: Fox News, USDOD, Rolling Stone

Amos a surprise tap to replace Conway

If I was a betting man, I'd have lost money Monday as Secretary Of Defense Robert Gates announced his recommendation that current Assistant Commandant General James F. Amos replace General James T. Conway [right] as the 35th Commandant of the United States Marine Corps when Conway retires in the Autumn.

The odds of Amos [left] being picked were remote for two main reasons: One is only 5 out of the previous 30 officers whom have held the Assistant Commandant position have been selected to continue on as Commandant, the latest one being General Paul X. Kelley in 1983. The second reason is that in the entire history of the Marine Corps, only infantry officers have ever served as Commandants and Amos is an aviator.

My money would have been on Lt. General Joseph F. "Fighting Joe" Dunford, the current Commanding General of the 1st Marine Expeditionary Force and U.S. Marine Corps Forces Central Command - basically the top Marine in Afghanistan and Iraq. Failing Dunford, I'd have gone for General James N. "Mad Dog" Mattis, current Commander, U.S. Joint Forces Command and former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Transformation as being commandant would be an extraordinary capstone to his incredible career.

I have no issue with Amos however, he is a man with his own ideas an opinions and had not just played second-fiddle to Jim Conway for 4 years. In fact I suspect that Gates may have chosen him partly because he's less hardlined against the repeal of the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy than I suspect Mattis [right] would be and I know Conway is. General Dunford at 55 is likely in retrospect considered to be fairly young for the position and may have had trouble commanding the respect of the older generals, but Gates has tapped him for the Assistant Commandant position, so perhaps he'll grow from there.

As for Amos, during my famous visit to the 8th and I in March '09 as we passed the Assistant Commandant's house, I recall Gunny Price pointing out what a strange metal bar braced over the General's basement entrance was for "That's where General Amos does his pull ups every morning" he said. When he noticed my shock he smiled "Yeah, he's in his 60's!"

french Fuckers finally off home

The greatest pack of cheating and trouble-making scumbag wasters on the face of the planet, the french, monumentally failed again Tuesday afternoon; this time against the home team at the World Cup in South Africa. Proving they've learned nothing from 1789 - that their revolutions all end in tears; even bringing out on that cheating cunt Thierry Henry during the second half to play some more Gaelic Football [seriously, he handled it again] didn't save them.

Like that turd that somehow didn't flush down the jacks with all the others, the french so-called "team" hung around long past it should have after their abysmal performance against Mexico last week. The former world and European champions also created one of the biggest dramas in World Cup history, boycotting a training session after Nicolas Anelka was sent home for insulting coach Raymond Domenech at halftime of a 2-0 defeat in that match.

a misguided fool

But even as their World Cup hopes floated away like an excited child's untethered helium balloon, the drama didn't stop there. After the final whistle, the South African coach Carlos Alberto Parreira offered his hand and a smile to Domenech but the french fucker shook his finger at him and tried to walk away only to be grabbed by Parreira presumably to get some explanation for his rudeness. But Domenech, a man who called his own team "unspeakably stupid" before the match, continued with his uncouth behavior and began apparently lecturing the Brazilian with an abundance of finger pointing. Watch it here:

When cornered by the press afterwards, Domenech gave no answers for his actions but when asked about the crisis in the french team he responded: "If these are all the questions you are going to ask me, I am going to leave you, we are not from the same world." Brooks Peck wrote in his Yahoo Sports blog: "After all of Domenech's astrology-based roster decisions, post-match marriage proposals, and complete inability to maintain order in his team, I'll agree that he's probably not from the same world."

Bye france! Go and drown your sorrows, or better still - just drown...

Arise Sir Patrick

"Qua'Plah! Your Majesty"

MacGruber: The Ultimate Tool

"If rippin throats gets that warhead back, I'll suck as many dicks as I ...uh...rip as many throats out as I have to."

If you've not seen a MacGruber sketch on Saturday Night Live you're missing out. There have been a couple of dozen of them since the character first appeared in 2007. The premise is simplistic: Based on '80's TV Show MacGyver; MacGruber, played by Will Forte finds himself locked in a "Control Room" of an abandoned mine, airfield, a ship or some other location. Locked in there with him is either Maya Rudolph as Casey [until she was replaced by Kristen Wiig as Vicki], various guest stars of the week and of course a bomb with only a few seconds left on the timer. Vicki will exclaim in panic that there's only X-amount of seconds on the bomb timer and MacGruber will demand her or the guest to hand him objects in the room like a match, a rubber band, a key or chewing gum which we are to presume that MacGruber will expertly combine in some fashion to diffuse the bomb. This never happens however as he is distracted by a wealth of emotional issues triggered by manifestations or reminders of the problems in his life. These include his alcoholism, loosing his savings in the economic crisis, his plastic surgery addiction, his racism and his son's homosexuality. While exploring these though provoking themes, MacGruber looses focus and the bomb explodes.

As the MacGruber sketches last on average about one minute, it was obvious that the subject matter would have to be considerably fleshed out quite literally a hundred fold as the movie is 100 minutes long. Writers Forte, John Soloman and Jorma Taccone who write the SNL MacGruber sketches themselves penned an extraordinary tale of MacGruber returning to action after a long absence triggered by the death of his wife and former assistant Casey [a role reprised by Rudolph]. He teams up with new assistant Vicki [Wiig] and an Army hotshot Lt. Piper [Ryan Phillipe] after being coaxed out of a monastic "retirement" by his old C.O. Colonel Faith [Powers Boothe] in a scene parodying Rambo III.

The motivations of MacGruber are singularly defined by his desire for revenge against Dieter Von Cunth [a now-portly Val Kilmer] a man whom MacGruber is convinced killed Casey. The character undergoes a bizarre metamorphosis from a cowardly inept clown to a deeply mentally disturbed borderline psychotic individual which may not seem funny but in the context of this insane movie is not only perfectly normal but ultimately hilarious.

It is however easy to see why this movie is getting panned in the UK and didn't do a whole lot better in the U.S. either. Like Wayne's World and The Blues Brothers, it's difficult to market as a big-screen adventure and will probably do much better with its inevitable cult following like its predecessors. Its humour is quite frankly a mixture of teenage American Pie toilet humour, a parody of the most cheesy '80's movies and TV shows and the best freaky face that Forte can flex his incredibly limber facial muscles to produce. Its action is just as bizarre with some characters playing it as straight as the most intense Tony Scott movie coupled with the ridiculous bloodletting of Uwe Boll movies. As such its true target audience is an extremely narrow cross-section of movie-goers.

Thankfully, I'm in that cross section and this is one of the best action-comedies I've ever seen on screen. The action-comedy is a strange beast, it demands delivery of both action and comedy in near-equal measure and not step over the line of either genre least the other will suffer. What I mean is an action comedy can't have too much comedy or the action will suffer and vice versa as this would lead to the failure of the whole. First-time feature film director Jorma Taccone, responsible for directing may of the MacGruber sketches and more than 60 SNL Digital Shorts including "Jizz in my Pants" and the Emmy winning "Dick in a Box" never let either side of the action/comedy coin flip too far over and crafted an outstanding masterpiece of the genre... complete with throat-rips!

Final Verdict: Despite a slight over-use of crass toilet-humour, the movie is still side-splittingly hilarious and grotesquely violent in equal measure. A clear comedy winner. But I'm not sure I'll eat a celery stalk ever again...

Colonel Creedon Rating: ****1/2

Petraeus takes ill during McCain's Interrogation

CENTCOM Commander, General David H. Petraeus was escorted from a congressional hearing room after fainting during a Senate Armed Services Committee hearing today.

While being questioned by the man who won 2nd place in the 2008 US Presidential election, Sen. John McCain; The General slumped forward in an apparent fainting spell as his aides rushed to his sides including Colonel Erik O. Gunhus, Petraeus' spokesman.

Gen. Petraeus "is feeling much better," said Gunhus afterwards "It appeared that he fainted."

A doctor checked The General out and he returned to the hearing room amid applause to continue, but committee chairman Senator Carl Levin "overruled him," Gunhus said. "Looks like we will continue tomorrow. He will be OK." On his way out of the building, Petraeus told CNN, "I'm doing OK. I just got a little dehydrated. I ate a couple of bananas and drank some water. I didn't eat breakfast this morning."

Petraeus has the unenviable task of commanding U.S. Central Command, which oversees the conduct of the U.S. wars in the Middle East and central Asia.

"It certainly looked like a botched attempt to poison him," said Colonel "Whopper" Creedon of UNETIDA. "I just watched Casino Royale and it was really like watching the General go through what Bond did. Thankfully our enemies will never understand that people like Petraeus, James Bond or myself can't be taken out with mere poison. Rangers, Recon and MI6 are all trained to withstand such an attack. They'll have to do better than that."

See the full video of coverage on CNN

Because History is written by the Winners!

Source: Darth Harrington / New York Post

Transformers 3 aims to correct issues with Revenge of the Fallen

There are many directors and producers out there who are satisfied with simply making money. One would assume there was no problem with a movie that has made $836m worldwide putting it behind only Avatar, but "awesome" Michael Bay acknowledges the faults with last year's Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen and is prepared to correct them.

It appears that both Bay and producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura weren't 100% happy with the way the sequel to the greatest movie of the decade turned out despite it's outstanding financial success and are promising something a bit more of what made the original so great by correcting the errors in judgement of the sequel.

While were are promised that there will be less "dorky comedy" in Transformers 3, we will be given a superior villain - provided that is that Bay takes his inspiration from the comic books as opposed to the animated series. It has been revealed that Shockwave, the powerful Cyclopian Decepticon, second in power only to Megatron will be the new antagonist. I'm certainly on board with that, I always liked that character. He had a completely different leadership style to old Meg and his plans seemed to be a bit more focused than others. He was always a purveyor of absolutely pure logic, to a point where he once rescinded command of the Decepticons to Megatron because "it was the most logical thing to do."

Shockwave was originally going to be in the original Transformers movie but his role eventually evolved into the Decepticon Blackout, which was a good call. The character was given a movie-style treatment by the creators of the Transformers video games, but I'd think it unlikely that that design will be used in the movie itself considering he seems to resemble his G1 appearence far too much in comparison to most other characters. It would be a nice touch to give him only one eye though.

Another change made that might only upset you if you prefer brunettes to blonds as Whopper Award Nominee Megan Fox has been replaced by Rosie Huntington-Whiteley of Britishland.

As for plot points, all we know is that it delves into the space race between the U.S.S.R. and the USA, suggesting there was a hidden Transformers role in it all that remains one of the planet's most dangerous secrets.

Source: USA Today

Super-Hero Movie Update.

James Wanted McEvoy has signed on the dotted line to portray a young Charles Xavier in X-Men: First Class. Both Aaron Kick-Ass Johnson and Michael Centurion Fassbender are rumoured to have been offered the role of Erik Lensheer [who will become Magneto]. Jane Goldman, Ashley Miller and Zack Stentz are writing, but it's Matthew Kick-Ass Vaughn directing that has me paying attention after Brett Ratner's X-Men: Last Stand nonsense.

Jeremy Hurt Locker Renner will seemingly play Clint Barton aka Hawkeye in The Avengers movie. He joins Robert Downey Jr., Don Cheadle, Scarlett Johansson and Samuel L. Jackson reprising their roles from Iron Man 2 as well as Chris Hemsworth as Thor [who will have his own Kenneth Branagh directed movie next year] and of course Chris Evans as Captain America. Joss Buffy The Vampire Slayer Whedon is directing.

Speaking of Joe Johnston's Captain America, it appears that character will be getting some nifty new Hollywood re-imagining of his classic duds below:

Captain America: The First Avenger also stars Sam Jackson as Fury [again], Hayley Atwell as Peggy Carter, Sebastian Kings Stan as Cap's sidekick "Bucky" Barns, Neal Band of Brothers McDonough as Dum Dum Dugan, Tommy Lee Jones as General Chester Phillips - the man responsible for bringing Steve Rogers into the program that turns him into Captain America and as mentioned a few weeks back; Hugo Weaving as The Red Skull.

Getting away from Marvel for a moment, to that other little comic book house, DC Comics...

Batman: Year One, Frank Miller and David Mazzucchelli's imagining of the early ears of Batman which has become one of the greatest Dark Knight tales ever is coming to the small screen in animated form. While other than Batman Begins and it's sequel The Dark Knight, the DC movie machine is a fairly damp squib when compared to mighty Marvel; DC Comics animated tales have been a joy to watch since the Batman Animated Series in the 90's, so I have high hopes for this one, especially in light of the magnificent Batman: Gotham Knight a couple of years back.

Christopher Nolan has yet to sign on the dotted line for a 3rd Batman movie but I must applaud his resolve to say "No" when asked if The Joker would return as I don't think Heath Ledger's performance could be topped. He's also confident that Mr. Freeze or The Penguin won't be a part of it either. It seems Nolan will produce a Superman reboot however, which bodes well for that.

Current Super-Hero movie Scheduling

Thor - May 6, 2011
X-Men: First Class - June 3rd, 2011
Green Lantern (3D) - June 17, 2011
Captain America: The First Avenger - July 22, 2011

The Avengers - May 3rd, 2012
Batman 3 - July 20, 2012
Spider-Man reboot - July 2012
Superman Reboot - Late [Xmas] 2012

Apologies

My sincere apologies for the lack of updates recently folks.

We "found" something in the Sahara desert. Not only was there no known natural or artificial way of it getting there now - evidence suggests it had been buried long before "we" could have created it.

I've said all I can, back to business...

DENNIS HOPPER 1936 - 2010

It is with great regret that I report the sad, but expected, passing of veteran actor Dennis Lee Hopper from prostate cancer. He had been ill for some time. While Hopper gained notoriety for writing and directing the 1969 classic Easy Rider, he will perhaps better be remembered for his extraordinary acting career in both television and cinema for 55 years. He was 74.

Born in Kansas to, Marjorie, a lifeguard instructor and Jay Hopper, an OSS agent; young Dennis developed an interest in acting which eventually brought him to the Actors Studio in NYC. Hopper eventually turned his hand to photography, painting, poetry, and art collecting. One of his photographs became an album cover for Ike and Tina Turner and he purchased one of Andy Warhol's early prints of Campbell's Soup Cans for $75.

In addition to appearing in hundreds of television shows in the 50's and 60's (including The Time Tunnel, Bonanza, The Twilight Zone and The Big Valley), he also made his mark on movies starring alongside James Dean and John Wayne. But it was in 1969 when he gathered Peter Fonda, Jack Nicholson and Terry Southern to star with him in his movie Easy Rider that people began to really take note. Despite accolades for this work as both a writer and director [ including an Oscar nomination], Hopper's confrontational attitude and accelerated use of drugs and alcohol took its toll on his career and his first marriage.

Audiences were treated first hand to what was going through his's mind at this time by the almost incomprehensible film The Last Movie, dismissed by both critics and audiences in 1971. Hopper sustained his Hollywood lifestyle by appearing in many low-budget movies until landing perhaps his most perfect role in Francis Ford Coppola's Apocalypse Now. It is widely held that Hopper, an avid photographer, was not really acting as he portrayed a manic hyperactive photojournalist.

In the early 1980's Hopper entered rehab to kick his 3-grams-a-day cocaine addiction washed down by 30 bottles of beer and marijuana spliffs. It may have taken a while but it seemed to have worked by the time he played Frank Booth in David Lynch's Blue Velvet. He was back on form and his career revived.

Hopper directed Robert Duvall and Sean Penn in the acclaimed police drama Colours in 1988 Just two years later studio executives butchered his 1990 Jodie Foster film Catchfire - forcing him to use the Alan Smithee [disowned] credit and causing him to lose his taste for direction.

Like most actors of his ilk, Hopper took what was offered and since the 80's has appeared in classics like True Romance, Land Of The Dead and Speed [in which he falls victim to one of my favourite death scenes of all time], but he has appeared in countless turds like Waterworld, Super Mario Borthers and Space Truckers. He's no stranger to video games either as he made the FMV video game Black Dahlia in 1998 and more notably provided the voice of Steve Scott in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Despite his multitude of roles on the silver sceen, I'd be confident that the latter half of Hopper's career will be more remembered for his television appearances with the role of Victor Drazen, one of the first antagoonists in the hit Fox show 24, as Special Operations Colonel Eli McNulty on NBC's E-Ring and most recently up to the time he became ill, as record producer Ben Cendars in the TV show based on the movie Crash.

Hopper was delighted to have completed his work on Crash's second season as well as editing a 546-page book of photographs taken by him. Hopper was honored with the 2,403rd star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, in front of the iconic Grauman's Chinese Theater on Hollywood Boulevard. Surrounded by friends including Jack Nicholson, Viggo Mortensen, David Lynch, Michael Madsen, family, and fans, he attended its addition to the sidewalk on March 26, 2010.

Hopper is survived by his fifth wife Victoria Duffy [from whom he had filed for divorce], 42 with whom he had a 6 year old daughter. May he rest in peace.

Thanks to Constance for substantial editing assistance

I guess the Army will let anyone join now?

The whole post 911 security tightening measures notwithstanding; one would think after the Fort Hood incident that the US Army would have some measures in place to prevent fraudulent enlistment into their esteemed ranks.

Apparently Jesse Bernard Johnston III, a Texas man with no military experience save 12 weeks Marine JROTC course from which he dropped out in '04, tricked the Army into letting him join a reserve unit as, wait for it - a non-commissioned officer. Johnston, 26, joined the Army Reserve in February as a sergeant and was assigned to the Army's Corps Support Airplane Company, based at the Fort Worth Naval Air Station, that has seen action in Iraq.

Johnston's former wife said "he would attend military functions in Marine dress uniform and claimed to have served in Iraq." The Associated Press says it appears to be the first case of "stolen valor" involving the enlistment process. Most cases involve attempts to get veterans benefits fraudulently or to falsely claim medals.

"This just raises some incredibly significant issues at a time when this country is involved in a global war on terror," said Rep. Mike Coffman, a Colorado Republican who served with the Marines in Iraq and the first Gulf War. "If this person was able to penetrate the military fraudulently, you have to ask the question: Couldn't somebody who was out to do harm to our country do the same thing?"

Lt. Col. Maria Quon, spokeswoman for the Army's Human Resources Command, said her database contains an entry showing Johnston joined the military in 2002, but there are no documents to support the 2002 date. She described the lack of documentation as "unusual" and said it likely means the date was entered this year. The National Personnel Records Center, which collects information on all who have been discharged from the military said that it could find no evidence that Johnston ever served.

Colonel "Whopper" Creedon of UNETIDA unleashed a damning tirade: "I was outraged to read about this goon today. Did you see the photo of him in the blues? It makes me puke that anyone can just buy a set of these in a surplus store and go around pretendin' he's some kinda hero. One look at his fruit salad will tell you his uniform had never been inspected, I see two glaring errors even at that resolution. I'd not have authorised him with a goddamn G.I.Joe club membership, let alone enlisted him as an E-5 in the Army. If the maggot wants to serve that badly, let him serve in Levenworth."

Source: D.Stanglin, AP via USA Today

Should've been called Robbing Hood...

...because both my time and money were robbed by Ridley Scott’s woeful representation of a classic legend.

The idea was sound: create a Robin Hood story that centred less on the legendary feats of the world's most famous archer and remould it using a more genuine historical basis. Of course, the obvious trap here is that if one removes the implausibility and mysticism from such a legend and yet still craft an entertaining story - one has to inject the tale with enough substance to make up for the loss of entertainment. Guess which part was missed in this project...

Scott was successful in setting his Robin Hood is a grittily realistic setting alright, everyone in the film was dirty and in rags, even the royalty were not as splendorously dressed as in most such depictions. All the wealth of the country had been drained by King Richard’s horrendously expensive crusade and there was little distinction between the once wealthy landowners and a common beggar. Needless to say this is a woefully depressing and pessimistic setting and of course the last thing the people need is a newly crowned King John who sends out the tyrannical Sir Godfrey as a medieval tax-collector or in many cases - life-collector. This undesirable situation is made worse by the fact that everyone’s favourite impotent troublemakers, the french, seek to invade England after weakening the state’s position by turning the Northern landowners against the King.

It’s at this point you’d assume that in true Hollywood blockbuster fashion Robin Hood would emerge to save the day and Scott would recrown Russel Crowe as an action-hero of this decade as he did in 2000. Well, Robin does succeed in thwarting the nefarious plans of Sir Godfrey and routes the Frogs from Dover coming ashore in wooden landing craft in a sort of medieval D-Day landing; but helping his army are his elite troops - war-orphaned children on Shetland ponies [I’m seriously not making this up]. Obviously that’s nothing like what Robin Hood is famous for and it’s not until the last 10 minutes does actually do something worthy of the character. This Robin doesn’t do any relieving the rich of their worldly possessions and using them to improve the economic situation of the poor, other than to plant grain stolen from the local church. When he does claim the belongings of a few dead nights – he was only robbing them from the knights’ assassins and it’s implied he keeps all the loot for himself and his perpetually intoxicated “merry” men.

One of the main reasons this fails is Crowe himself, complete with a bizarrely muddled accent - seriously, it takes real talent to speak with American, Australian and Irish accents in the same sentence. The man is far too old to be playing the titular hero at this point, which is supposed to be an origin story and we’re yet supposed to be treated to his true exploits! This is a middle-aged Robin Hood who meets a tragically frumpy old-Maid Marian played by an even more unforgivably older Cate Blanchett. The complete lack of chemistry between them does a monumental disservice to one of the most epic romances of legend. Danny Huston and William Hurt phone in their equally lacklustre performances and is heart-breaking too see poor Max Von Sydow acting like he had been kidnapped from the elderly actors retirement home and was being forced to perform against his will or he won’t get his supper. In fact out of such an overall dull cloud of a cast only the always splendid Mark Strong as Godfrey shone through like the sun itself with Scott Grimes' Will Scarlett showing some effort.

It’s obvious by the movie’s end that Scott has left it open-ended for a sequel to address these shortcomings. The idea of a sequel to this fills me with dread as both Crowe and Blanchett will be even older. Even if he gets a younger cast; in order to get to what potentially could be a more exciting chapter concerning a more recognisable Robin, one would have to painfully wade through this exceptionally bland origin drivel.

Final Verdict: Ridly Scott has crafted many movies of note, but this will not be regarded as one. Had this been about a medieval hero of his own invention it may have been worthy of something but as a Robin Hood story it can only be detested and ridiculed for such weak performances and a hopelessly disjointed plot flimsily connected to the legend. Some sporadically well crafted action scenes are present but are too tame to be enjoyed fully. Realistic to a point [not enough blood] but devoid of the expected action, adventure and sheer fun that made the legend of Robin Hood so enduring. Watch it if you simply have to or if forced but if you’re master of your own destiny – avoid.

Colonel Creedon Rating: *

"I am your Father!" ... and now I have been for 30 years!

This day exacly 30 years ago, the sprawling masses of fans of the original Star Wars movie [and Lucas forbid - people that may not have seen the original, but I doubt it] got to see what was unknowingly at the time - the greatest use of celluloid* that the world had ever seen [and will ever see again if the standard since then is anything to go by].

I speak of course of the May 21st release date of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back in 1980 which thought the world the meaning of how to keep a secret after coming out of a movie...

Thank you George.

*The compound used to make film stock - I'll educade you people yet.

More Crazy Japanese Bastards...

We all love those hidden "Candid Camera" style shows, they have it in the US with the original Alan Funt Candid Camera to the more recent Ashton Kutcher's Punk'd, while Bob Monkhouse and Jeremy Beadle did shows in the UK and of course Mike Murphy and the Naked Camera crew are responsible for our home grown efforts over the years. In any incarnation it's all really harmless fun.

But I honestly think those Crazy Japanese Bastards missed the point for their version...

HAPPY LUCAS DAY

Today, those who believe in his divine power, celebrate the 66th Birthday of the world's foremost visionary director, creator of Star Wars, George W. Lucas.

Since Lucas Day '09, God has executive produced the second season of the always impressive Star Wars: The Clone Wars, He is currently in post production work on Red Tails, the story of the Tuskegee Airmen, the first African-American pilots to fly in a combat squadron during World War II and preproduction work on both the Star Wars live action series and Indiana Jones 5.

Governor Schwarzenegger announced that Lucas would be one of 13 California Hall of Fame inductees in The California Museum's yearlong exhibit. The induction ceremony was on December 1, 2009 in Sacramento, California.

Lucas' net worth is currently estimated at $3,000,000,000.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEORGE!

Captain America: The First Avenger

Iron Man 2 is old news now; heh - just waiting for the Blu-ray then I'll get all excited again but for now let us turn our attention to one of Marvel's teir-one superheroes, Captain America.

Director Joe Johnston (The Rocketeer, The Wolfman) is head honcho for the movie based on Steve Rogers, a young soldier during WWII who volunteers to undergo a series of experiments for a US army Super Soldier program which transforms him into a human weapon: Captain America. In order to defeat a high ranking Nazi menace, The Red Skull; Cap sacrafices himself and becomes entombed in solid ice for 60 years... ...until now.

Well that's just probably the most feasable"origin story" they could possibly glean from a rich history almost as old as Batman and Superman, I'm sure it'll be something like that. So Johnston will direct pretty-boy Chris Street Kings Evans in the role of the Captain [thankfully ending fourther Fantastic Four embarassment] and it was announced Tuesday that Hugo Am-I-seriously-being-typecast -or-what? Weaving will portray The Red Skull in yet another role akin to V for Vendetta and Transformers where we'll not see the man's awesome facial expressions.

Captain America: The First Avenger is slated for a July 22nd 2011 release [only a few weeks after Kenneth Branagh directs Chris Hemsworth in Thor]. Captain America will probaby feature a far heavier link to Joss Whedon's The Avengers movie in 2012. More when I have it.

Hawking's Grim Warning

World-renowned astrophysicist, Professor Stephen Hawking has been thinking a lot about the cosmic question, "Are we alone?" The answer is probably not, he says.

In honor of NASA's 50th anniversary, the 66-year-old British cosmologist delivered a lecture at George Washington University last week and theorized that there are answers to whether there is extraterrestrial life. Some of his suggestions indicated that there was no life elsewhere, and we are alone or, as an extention of that; that there is there is no life elsewhere that is within our perception as intellegent life. He further suggested that if intelligent life existed - when it gets smart enough to send signals into space, it also is smart enough to make destructive nuclear weapons.

In a new documentary series for Discovery Channel, Hawking says that Earth is unlikely to be the only planet where life has evolved and “The real challenge is to work out what aliens might actually be like.” While he theorizes that most will be microscopic organisms, a few life forms could be intelligent and pose a threat. He believes that contact with such a species could be devastating for humanity.

Simply meeting an alien could be deadly because alien life might not have DNA like us, Hawking warned: "Watch out if you would meet an alien. You could be infected with a disease with which you have no resistance." He also suggests that aliens might simply raid Earth for its resources and then move on: “We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn’t want to meet. I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet. Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they can reach.”

Hawking concludes that trying to make contact with alien races is “a little too risky”. He said: “If aliens ever visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Native Americans.”

Hawking's warnings of an alien invasion have prompted a vigorous defence of extraterrestrials by their most prominent Canadian fan. Former federal defence minister Paul Hellyer, 86, believes not only that aliens have visited Earth but also that they have contributed greatly to human technological advances. "The reality is that they've been visiting Earth for decades and probably millennia and have contributed considerably to our knowledge," Hellyer said.

Colonel "Whopper" Creedon of UNETIDA on the other hand seemed pleased with Hawking's theories. "I've had no greater vindication of what I do and why I continue to wear this uniform," he said following Hawking's lecture. The Colonel was later seen approaching the Professor who suffers from ALS and is confined to a wheelchair and placing a large brown envelope descretly behind Hawking's back before giving him a thumbs up. Hawking's electronic chuckle echoed throughout the room...

Stephen Hawking's Universe begins on the Discovery Channel on Sunday May 9 at 9pm

Source: MSNBC / CTV News / The Times / Christian Science Monitor / Constance

*EXCLUSIVE* Iron Man 2 Review

First of all, I'd like to welcome the thousands of my fellow Iron Man fans from as far afield as those in the United States, who won't see this movie for another week.

As regular readers will know, I greatly enjoyed the original Iron Man movie, presenting it with the much coveted "*****+" rating, which basically means "greater than the average 5-Star movie." The precision with which director Jon Favreau and lead actor Robert Downey Jr. treated my most favourite comic book hero of all was simply amazing and deserved to be rewarded. Now, the same team has returned exactly 2 years later with a sequel to enhance their celluloid vision of the Iron Man legend.

Tony Stark is back wearing the magnificent suit of red and gold armour that transforms him into Iron Man. His ego has grown exponentially since we last saw him and that's not without reason as he's "successfully privatised world peace" becoming a nuclear deterrent, a shield that can literally prevent entire countries from being belligerent. Despite the world enjoying the longest period of peace it's ever had, there are are still threats; The US government is unhappy that control of the most powerful weapon on the planet is owned and operated by an impulsive millionaire playboy with a god-complex and seek to take control of it. Justin Hammer, Stark's foremost business rival is doing his best to create a copy of Iron Man to sell on government contract and Ivan Vanko, a disgruntled son of a former Stark employee, desires a revenge that only Tony's death will sate. When you add all this onto Stark's latest health problem in that he's slowly being poisoned by palladium needed to power the Arc Reactor in his chest, you'd be quite right in thinking that the deck is stacked against our hero. But it's not so, Tony is not in this alone, he has his friends close by, Pepper Potts and Happy Hogan return to help him as does Stark's sinister friend from the end of the first Iron Man movie [the ending you saw if you stayed and watched until after the credits that is] Nick Fury, The director of SHIELD and of course, no Iron Man story would be complete without Lt. Colonel James "Rhodey" Rhodes.

Thankfully, Favreau packed as much story as he did characters in here so that everyone had an important role to play and no one just tacked on for the sake of it [well maybe just the obligatory appearance of Marvel Comics creator Stan Lee, playing himself this time for about 1.5 seconds in a blink-and-you-miss-him cameo]. Writer Justin Theroux drew from some of the best stories from the Iron Man comic, adapting elements from the saga known as "The Armor Wars" as well as a new take on the debilitating effects of wearing the armour that threatened to take Stark's life in the mid-'90's. The special effects wizardry has been increased by a factor of 10 to render Iron Man, War Machine, Whiplash and the drones glimpsed in the movie's trailers that come together to create one of the most impressive and explosive climactic battles ever witnessed. John Debney surpasses even Ramin Djwadi's superb score to the original by crafting some new themes to musically illustrate how much the franchise has improved.

Downey Jr. naturally is what makes this movie what it is and his continued representation of Stark is utterly flawless in execution, blending the perfect amount of humour, levity and desperation that the plot requires as he firmly maintains his place as the most perfectly cast super hero ever. Not a part of me misses Terence Howard after seeing Don Cheadle as Rhodey/War Machine, he fit like a glove into the role, and was most welcome. Gweneth Paltrow remains "satisfactory" as Pepper Potts and thankfully the romance is kept to a minimum [there's too much stuff goin' on in the movie for anyone to be concerned with that anyhow]. Favreau increased his own role as Happy Hogan mainly in a heroically humorous context and rightly so. Samuel L Jackson's performance as Nick Fury may not have action scenes but he's certainly got a lot more time to advertise the forthcoming Avengers movie. A new face [and what a face] is added in the super-sweet, most outstandingly delectable form of Scarlett Johannson, with the trademark auburn locks of SHIELD spymaster Natalia Romanoff, the Black Widow, who steals each and every moment she's on screen. It is however the sheer superiority of both Mickey Rourke as Ivan "Whiplash" Vanko sporting Russian prison tattoos over his scarred body, mumbling in Russian and just plain "looking evil" as well as Sam Rockwell's utterly brilliant performance as Justin Hammer, Stark's corporate nemesis that drives this movie above the original. Do watch out for Clarke Gregg reprising his role as SHIELD Agent Coulson, Leslie Bibb returning as Christine Everhart, Gary Shandling as Senator Stern and Whopper Award Nominee 2008 Kate Mara as a U.S. Marshal.

Sequels are always a worry, I always remind people of the fact that Aliens was far superior to Alien but Predator 2 was a crock of shit in comparison to Predator. While it's easy for a movie to follow the Highlander or Robocop path to successively shit sequels, there have been many triumphs in the past decade, and most 0f them are super hero movies - Spider-Man, Batman Begins, Blade and X-Men had pheonominal sequels in comparison to their originals, which is something it would have been very difficult for Iron Man 2 to achieve as it already had a pheonominal original. But it did, absolutly it did.

Final Verdict: Jon Favreau took all that was great about the original and actually enhanced it somehow. It's both contradictorally funnier as well as darker. Adding so many explosions, weapons fire, a redheaded Scarjo and the baddest black motherfucker in town, Sam Jackson to the threats represented by the actions of Rourke and Rockwell's characters was so genius, I'm left wondering did Fav actually make this movie just for me?

Colonel Creedon Rating: EXEMPTION GRANTED [No amount of stars can be used to rate the movie, it is above flawless]

*And by "exclusive," I may not mean that this is the first review of the film anywhere in the world.

Gerry Ryan is DEAD!!!

RTE's resident assclown / broadcaster for the past 20 years, Gerry Ryan has been found dead by Gardaí in his Leeson Street, Dublin apartment after he didn't show up for work to do his daily radio show.

Good riddance, I never liked him. The "Ryan line" should have been wrapped around his neck long ago.

Source: Vaughan / The Irish Examiner.