Thursday, January 05, 2006

The Whopper Awards 2005 - Part 8

Now almost done, I just want to include some special mentions to a few productions which caught my attention pretty uniquely and didn't really warrant nominations for others of their ilk:

The Most Pants-Wetting Motion Picture Of 2005 was:
Team America: World Police

I'm still laughing...

The Best Gore in a Motion Picture In 2005 was in:

Yer woman was like in a "pond" of blood. The producers weren't afraid to show anything, teeth and eyeballs being ripped out, skulls being smashed, broken bones etc. Dare I say "was it just a little too far" even for me???

Most Glorified Use Of Automatic Weaponry:
Land Of The Dead

More ammunition expended than in the past several years in Iraq.

Most Delightful Use Of Edged Weaponry:

Can't really say why without ruining the film. E-mail me if you want to know...

Best Pyrotechnics In A Motion Picture For 2005:
XXX2: State Of The Union

Should have been called: XXX2: Everything Explodes

Best Martial Arts In A Motion Picture:
Ong Bak

I'll be quite honest here; could I take Jet Li: maybe not, take Norris: possibly, Segal: probably, Van Damme: definitely, but this Tony Jaa lad: NO FUCKING WAY!!!

The Best Remake of 2005:
Assault On Precinct 13

I do miss the scene in the original where the little 6 year old girl gets it in the temple from the fake ice-cream man with the Mauser machine-pistol but for a remake it's absolutely brilliant.

The Best Video-Game Demo:

It was so good; I said I wouldn't play the full game until I had enough time to appreciate it. I can play DOOM in the dark with the lights off but not a snowball's chance in hell would I attempt to play this without them on and maybe even Mummy in the room holding my hand.

Most Disappointing Tripe Of 2005:
War Of The Worlds:

God in heaven save me from shit like this! I've talked about it enough earlier so I'm not going into this now.

Kingdom Of Heaven:

The Crusades I've read about sound like fun, this wasn't. Good battles, great score but I expected much more from the man who made Gladiator, Black Hawk Down, Blade Runner and G.I.Jane. (Strange that the only acceptable use of listing G.I.Jane together with 3 of the greatest films of all time is in a list of films by Ridley Scott)!

The Enterprise Finale:

I cry to think about it. Fat Riker and Granny Troi in the fucking Holodeck! Excrement! An insult to loyal fans of Enterprise. People in Hollywood get shot for less than what the producers did here, so why the hell do Rick Berman and Brannon Braga still live and breathe?

Starship Troopers: The Game

I had high hopes for this, but apart from rendering lots of bugs on screen at once it doesn't have much else going for it. If you have the demo then you have the game. Thanks be to Christ I didn't buy it.

Now for my final word, really directed at casual readers who don't know me as well as the rest. Why wasn't Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith in any of the winners or even in the nominations?
Well the best answer to that is that the Star Wars movies are held in a religious reverence by me. They don't exist as films in my mind as such they are parts of my psyche in much the same way as a priest's favourite book is not the bible. The most printed book in the world is the Qur'an but you don't see it getting book reviews or literary awards now do you?

For arguments sake in a hypothetical situation if SW:ROTS was 'just another sci-fi movie' then some of the previous awards would have been different: Revenge Of The Sith would have been Best film, with Best Director, McGregor as Best Actor In Dramatic Role AND Action Role, Cinematography hands down, Special Effects obviously and John Williams for Score and Battle of the Heroes, the ROTS theme music. You see it wouldn't have been as exciting as it was really!

Thank you all for reading and I hope to continue this next year, but for now it's back to normal from tomorrow on.


Anonymous said...

Overall... Feh, hardly any controversy, my god if you want these awards to have merit you must have more controversy , next year throw in gay cowboy movie Brokeback mountain just for the hell of it.
I know you liked the descent because I made you go to it ,I'm still haunted by flasbacks of your reactions in the cinema, but surely you should have had a special award for Bruce Willis ripping Nick Stahls nuts off in sin city?
So you didn't like Kingdom of Heaven?Why does it take you so long to admit these things , three days it took you to admit Sky Captain was absolute Shit!do not be afraid to criticise Ridley , after all he made Black Hawk Down and Gladiator , but he also made White Squall , 1492 (A Frenchman playing an Italian working for Spain!oh thats good casting) and GI Jane which only Siskel and Ebert liked.
The only thing I feel Sorry about is how Disappointed you are over Starship troopers, ah the amount of times as you talked about it a tiny trickle of drool would fall from your lips , its a shame really.......

Anonymous said...

What's "Feh"?

Yeah, the poor Colonel won't be spending hours shooting alian arachnid bugs. Well waking hours that is...

Anonymous said...

Feh is just a sound you make when your not really surprised , go on try it it's fun.

Anonymous said...

feh: an expression of disgust, disapproval, displeasure

example: feh, hardly any controversy

The award I'm most interested in is the martial arts one; can we arrange a competition were the Colonels gets a match against those he names in his post (Van Damme, Segal, Norris, Jet Li, Tony Jaa). Just to see how he measures up to his claims :)
I'd have to agree with the Team America award. More disturbingly, I know someone who talks like Kim Jong-Il.
Also, I think we should give Bruce Willis an award for "Best Amateur Castration". You all know what I mean!

Lieutenant General Creedon said...

Van Damme, Segal, Norris, bring em on! All together or one at a time, makes no difference to me. However, I'd be a little "aprehensive" about tackling Li and I'd take no shame in running from Jaa!

The Whopper Awards 2005 (appendix)
Best Amateur Castration Of All Time:
Bruce Willis - Sin City.
There you go it's now official.