Olympic Missiles not UNETIDA's

UNETIDA have denied accusations that the so-called "Olympic Missiles" being planned to be deployed by the British Ministry of Defence in the London area for the Olympics this summer is for defence against an imminent Extra Terrestrial attack.

"Nonsense," said Colonel "Rockets" Thompson, UNETIDA's Missile Defence Commander earlier today. "The tactical high-velocity missiles that the British are going to place on top of populated residential flats would do little against alien tech capable of reaching and attacking the planet."

Colonel Thomson was referring to a story which appeared in the worlds news yesterday where apparently a Higher Velocity Missile system could be placed on a water tower [above] in an East London estate, where 700 people live according to leaflets received by residents from the Ministry of Defence. The MoD says that the missiles will not pose a hazard to residents and "will only be authorised for active use following specific orders from the highest levels of government in response to a confirmed and extreme security threat".

The British Army says the HVM system is "designed to counter threats from very high performance, low-flying aircraft". It says the missile travels at more than three times the speed of sound, using "a system of three dart-like projectiles to allow multiple hits on the target". The missiles can be fired from the shoulder, from a lightweight multiple launcher or from armoured vehicles.

Residents of the gated flats on Bow, East London were wary over the plan according to spokesman Brian Whelan a resident and journalist. "From the few people I've spoken to, and the security we have here, they're not happy about it," he said. "I don't think it needs to be here at all. They say they'll only use them as a last resort, but... you'd shower debris across the east end of London by firing these missiles."

Mr Whelan, who claims to have seen soldiers carrying a crate into the building, said his property management company put up posters and gave out the leaflets [above] on Saturday.

Colonel Thompson assured the press that if UNETIDA had to fire off any of the class of missiles it controls that debris would be "the last thing folks would be worried about".

Read more at BBC News and FOX News.

Vampires attack Indian villages!

For the past few months, the villages of Gundalapatti and Mottangurichi near the Indian town of Dharmapuri have been deserted by 18:00 every day. Villagers are confining themselves indoors and no one goes out after dark for fear of attack from the roaming undead!

As strange as it sounds, the villagers are sure vampires (Ratha Kaatteri) have been attacking their cattle and could harm them as well. For some unknown reason, the cattle have been dying one after the other. Locals have now painted holy "namam" signs outside homes and written messages on doors asking vampires to spare them for the night.

Amused, members of the Indian political party Dravidar Kazhagam have announced 100,000 rupee [almost $2000] reward to anyone catching a vampire in the villages. “It is a big hoax. Anti-socials whose illegal night activities such as bootlegging and liquor brewing have been disturbed are spreading rumours and killing cattle,” said O. Jayaraman, who announced the reward. “Since people are not willing to believe us, we have challenged them with this reward."

The United Nations Paranormal and Supernatural Interdiction Directorate [UNPASID] has condemned the politicians action. "The last thing we need is some amateur Blade or Buffy running around the outskirts of Dharmapuri with silver, garlic, holy water and wooden stakes hoping to bag a leech" said Brigadier “Walrus” Jones, Assistant Director of UNPASID. "This is a job best left to professionals."

Source: IO9 / The DailyTelegraph / The Mail Online / The Deccan Chronicle

Kim Jong-un! More limp-dicked than daddy?

North Korea's latest attempt to launch a long-range rocket has once again ended in a complete failure. The reclusive country's new young leader Kim Jong-un has proved himself as impotent as his father – maybe even more so as in an unprecedented move – he admitted failure!

Embarrassingly, North Korea’s rocket flew for between 1.5 and 2 minutes covering a just over 100km before exploding over the Yellow Sea. This was much less than the last rocket in 2009 that overflew Japan. North Korea said its much hyped long-range rocket launch failed and the state now faces international outrage over the attempt.

The epic fail immediately raised questions over the impoverished nation's reclusive leadership which maintains one of the world's largest standing armies but which cannot feed its people without outside aid, largely from its solitary powerful backer, China. "The failed launch turns speculation toward the ramifications for the leadership in Pyongyang: a fireworks display gone bad on the biggest day of the year," said Scott Snyder of the Council on Foreign Relations.

The uncharacteristic admission of failure by the DPRK to 23 million people watching a state TV broadcast last night is a major discussion point however. "It could be indication of subtle change in the  leadership in how they handle these things, something that may be different from the past," said Baek Seung-joo of the Korea Institute of Defense Analyses. “It would have been unthinkable for them to admit this kind of failure in the past. The decision to have come out with the admission had to come from Kim Jong-un."

More importantly the launch is in breach of United Nations Security Council resolution 1874 and drew condemnation from the United States, Russia, Japan and South Korea and threats to tighten the already harsh sanctions aimed at stopping Pyongyang developing nuclear weapons. The concern is that they’re using launches to perfect the technology that would enable them to construct a warhead delivery system capable of striking the United States. North Korea has repeatedly defended its right to launch rockets for what it says are peaceful purposes and may have invested hundreds of millions of dollars in this latest failed attempt.

UNETIDA, who some conspiracy theorists believe prevented N.Korea’s previous launches has denied using their orbital “Skyshield” laser to destroy the North Korean rocket. “We were monitoring the situation closely and while we do have some broad-ranging powers to use Skyshield to defend and protect our trans-atmospheric technological infrastructure, we did not need take any preventative action against the feeble attempts of North Korea to make an orbital launch” said Colonel “Rockets” Thompson UNETIDA’s Missile Defence Commander. “Seriously, they’d have more luck trying to launch a satellite using a hot air balloon!”

The North American Aerospace Defense Command, NORAD, said the first stage rocket broke up in mid-flight inside the Earth's atmosphere and fell into the sea west of South Korea, and the remainder was deemed to have failed. "No debris fell on land," NORAD said. "At no time were the missile or the resultant debris a threat. The White House released a statement condemning the launch, saying: "Despite the failure of its attempted missile launch, North Korea's provocative action threatens regional security, violates international law and contravenes its own recent commitments." In response to the launch, Washington announced it was suspending plans to contribute food aid to the North in exchange for a rollback of its nuclear programs.

Source: Reuters / FOX News

John Carter of Waterworld

John Carter of Mars, a worthy tome from Edgar Rice Burroghs which Disney sought to be converted into a science fiction blockbuster so people with an aversion to the picture less written word could enjoy the tale as it was meant to be - in glorious 3D. Sadly a wealth of production issues which saw not one, but two reshoots - brought this enormous turkey to our cinema screens and forced the entire Disney corporation to declare a loss this quarter. That’s what you get for giving the best part of a quarter of a billion dollars to Andrew Stanton the animation director who brought us Wall-E for his first live action attempt. Stanton’s defence “I’m not going to get it right first time!” and he’s right, but I’d find it unbelievably to think he’ll be given a second chance.

Assuming that signing the contract was his first, Stanton's second mistake was Taylor Kitsch a more notable TV actor who played Gambit in Wolverine, in other words not someone you'd take a $250m risk on. I won’t say Kitsch was wooden as much as he was vanilla flavoured coke – you can’t judge it until you’ve tried it and now I’m worried about Battleship knowing he’s the lead because vanilla coke is something I've had to spit out. Something that may have contributed to the movie's hefty price tag was a smorgasbord of well-known supporting cast members. Dominic Centurion West and Mark Sherlock Holmes Strong served as dual villains, Willem Defoe and Samantha Morton lent their voice talents to the Thrakks with Ciaran Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy Hinds and James Ironclad Purefoy rounding off the cast. The best work was done by composer Michael Giacchino who produced more "perfume for a turd" as he did so wonderfully with Land of the Lost and Speed Racer.

Another problem was that the marketing for this movie was as anemic as Lionsgate had for Conan The Barbarian. Practically non-existent exposure and attempting to convince people at every turn that John Carter wasn't a science fiction epic [to the degree that they removed "of Mars" from its title] didn't help the movie at all. Did they know they had produced something to rival Waterworld as the biggest disgrace on celluloid? It would seem so. It is now confirmed as the biggest box-office bomb in movie history.

I’d have to regard the movie as “mildly entertaining” in so far as I’ve often wondered what it would be like if you could try to meld Star Wars and Flash Gordon together. The hero rescuing a princess that as it turns out can take care of herself was straight out of Star Wars, and the Thrakk arena not only looked like Geonosis from Attack of the Clones but it pitted man against beast in much the same way and ends with one of the main antagonists getting beheaded as fairly lively as Jango Fett; we’ve seen it all before and obviously done much better. The Thrakk were basically Flash Gordon’s Hawkmen who arrive at the last minute to turn the tide of battle and... and... bloody hell this movie was shit… I don’t need to write anymore, just accept it…

Colonel Creedon Rating: *

Movie Mini-Reviews - 27-03-12

Underworld: Awakening

No need for any kind of elaboration here:

Kate Bekinsale dons her tight leather and reprises her role as Selene after her absence in the lacklustre prequel previous to this installment. There was excellent use of 3D much like it was in Resident Evil 4 and the gore quotient increased exponentially this time round securing a future place in my Blue Ray collection.

Win

Colonel Creedon Rating: ****1/2

Chronicle

NBC’s Heroes [more importantly its first season] dealt with how some ordinary people discovered some extraordinary powers after a solar eclipse. It was well written, directed, acted and produced and lasted four years because of it.

Chronicle is the result of someone watching Heroes and thinking: “How do I make this into a movie for the Youtube-obsessed crowd? – I know we’ll get three unknown [but very good] actors that we can pay in peanuts and shoot them in a dizzyingly distracting way focussing on how they deal with tremendous power while leaving the question of who/why they get their powers unanswered”.

Many went to see it but only the Youtube crowd could enjoy it. Ironic that the word "Chronic" is in the title.

Colonel Creedon Rating: *1/2

Safe House

Low-ranking CIA agent Matt Weston [Ryan Reynolds] wishes for a promotion out of his dead-end posting to Cape Town, but his mentor Barlow [Brendan Gleeson] is happy to keep him there a little while longer. When notorious ex-CIA double agent Tobin Frost [Denzel Washington], on the run from some nefarious individuals, surrenders himself to the US Embassy – he is sent to Weston's “Safe House” a secure facility where Frost can be held and waterboarded before he enters the US judicial system. Agent Linklater [Vera Farmiga] sends a CIA team to protect Frost led by Kiefer [Robert Patrick] which fails to prevent an attack by the people who really want him and so young agent Weston grabs his “house guest” and flees.

What follows is a well paced action/chase thriller with some excellent performances from it's star-studded cast including a surprise appearance from Ruben Blades as the counterfeiter Villar and Sam Shephard in an equally rare appearance as CIA director Whitford. The action is tight and was realistic right up until the last 5-10 minutes when the characters seem to adopt a level of Hollywood invincibility in an ending that has me suspect that it wasn’t filmed as originally written but it thankfully does not detract too much from the value production as a whole.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ****

Contraband

Mark Whalberg, Ben Foster and Kate Bekinsale [no leather this time] star in this by-the-numbers thriller which while is exciting at times - is so utterly predictable it takes some of the cine-magic away. More entertaining than the baseline bog-standard but not as good as Wahlberg’s previous movie in this vein – The Italian Job. Worth watching for J.K. Simmons’ performance as the antagonising freighter captain.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ***

Armageddon One test successful

UNETIDA have revealed to the UN Security Council that their test of the most powerful tactical nuclear strike device has been successful on the surface of Mars. "Normally we blow stuff up on the far side of the moon but this was going to be so big we had to put it out further" said Dr. "Quantum" Pataal, Director of UNETIDA Research and Development.

The Armageddon One warhead delivery platform entered orbit of Mars earlier in the month and launched the most powerful nuclear device ever conceived at the surface of the Red Planet. "This was one of UNETIDA's greatest achievements" Pataal said as nuclear scientists from the U.S., India and China came together "to create something of such raw destructive power - it can only be described as beautiful."

Amateur astronomers had been wondering about a "towering cloud" this week captured in a photograph by Wayne Jaeschke who knew it was something unusual. He posted the photo on the site Cloudy Nights, explaining that sources had suggested it was a high-altitude water-ice cloud over Mars' Acidalia region.

Colonel "Whopper" Creedon, Acting Director of Intelligence of UNETIDA offered that the sources Mr. Jaeschke referred to were under UNETIDA control. "We obviously have to cover this up," he reported to the council "and it's easy when you have a back door into the operations of NASA's Mars Odyssey orbiter." Creedon outlined that any images from Thermal Emission Imaging System, or THEMIS, which is one of the instruments on the orbiter can be "doctored" in almost real-time to give the impression of a naturally occurring phenomena to the observers at The Mars Space Flight Facility at Arizona State University.

Despite some setbacks of Soyuz launches in 2011, Russia accepted responsibility for propelling Armageddon One to Mars and the rocket "Спокойствие" [Tranquility] was understood to have been launched from the Baikonur Cosmodrome in late September.

Earth assaulted by a solar storm...

…but hey how come we’re all still using the Internet!!!

Many consider the events of the past few of days to have been blown out of proportion by the media as much as they did with the Y2K bug in 1999 when we were given visions of aircraft suddenly falling out of the sky and nuclear reactor cooling towers going offline. Solar flares expending from the Sun last week triggered a storm of charged particles known as a coronal mass ejection which on Thursday battered the Earth’s magnetic field which protects the planet from harmful solar radiation. Scientists warned that this could have disrupted power grids, satellite navigation and plane routes but there was no significant impact other than the NOAA declaring a R3 level radio blackout and some aircraft routes diverted from the polar regions.

So why wasn’t there significant power surges or major disruptions to worldwide communications? Could it be that the storms above our atmosphere weren’t powerful enough to significantly shake our magnetic field or had the boffins just been over-cautious in their analysis? In truth it was neither and in a closed session of the UN General Assembly in NYC on Saturday morning, the truth was revealed…

“Worse case scenario was of course that the storm could have depolarised the magnetic field and irradiated every living thing on the planet” warned Dr. “Cloudburst” Hunt, UNETIDA's representative to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. “I’m sure that’s one way that the universe will reset the balance between man and nature but the magnitude of current solar activity is only threatening to unleash the same devastation as a planet wide EMP pulse.” Hunt added that while losing all our technological achievements since the invention of electricity would be a devastating blow to modern civilisation - it wasn’t as if we had no warning or were powerless to stop it.

“We always have a plan!” said Dr. “Quantum” Paatal, Director of UNETIDA Research and Development. “It just sometimes depends if we have the technology to implement it.” Pataal explained that within the past five years UNETIDA researchers discovered that a race of powerful aliens visited the Mediterranean Basin some 5000 years ago and "influenced" the Egyptian, Greek and Roman civilisations throughout their history. "We discovered that the 'keys' to our own survival had been given to us in the hope we would work together and combine them to protect ourselves from the Sun. "Sadly" said Pataal "The world does not work like that and with time running out we had to violate a few conventions."

"The Earth is not going down on my watch!" bellowed Colonel "Whopper" Creedon, Acting Director of Intelligence for UNETIDA. The Colonel revealed that he released powerful Extra-Terrestrial technology to thwart the Sun's plans influence the course of our existence. "It's all very complicated and no one will understand, let alone believe me if I explained"  he said. Creedon informed the assembly that last year he recovered an ancient Egyptian key, "liberated" from a plundered museum during Arab Spring and that last month he had dispatched UNETIDA Special Operators posing as thieves to retrieve a similar artifact from Greece's Ancient Olympia museum. The Colonel stopped sort of detailing what form the keys themselves took - for reasons of planetary security - but he did say that they were placed in a type of lock that was recently unearthed at excavations at Palatine Hill in Rome, one of the earliest sites of Roman civilisation.

“I must stress that while the timing of Arab Spring and the collapse of the Greek Economy were fortunate to have occurred at the most opportune times for our retrieval operations," continued Creedon. "I must make it abundantly clear that UNETIDA categorically denies involvement in suspected engineering of those events, we only used them as cover for our clandestine operations necessary to protect member states from threats outside the boundaries of international law in accordance with our mandate.” The was said presumably because Russia currently suspects that Arab Spring was started by the United States and Europe in an attempt to exert more control in the region.

A member of the UN assembly asked the UNETIDA contingent if the alien technology deployment that saved the planet was a permanent solution to our woes from solar storms in the future. Neither Dr. Pataal or Dr. Hunt could affirmatively reassure the delagate it was so. Creedon only offered: "We are not gods! - But we're the closest thing you have!"

SETI is crowdsourcing

Crowdsourcing [basically getting a whole load of enthusiastic interested people to do your testing for you] as a method of obtaining data has proved to be a very useful tool for scientists in a range of disciplines. For years the Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence has been using the computers of willing participants to analyse their information, but now they are looking for a more active "human" element.

At the TED (Technology, Entertainment and Design) conference in Los Angeles last week, SETI announced that they will begin streaming radio frequencies that are transmitted from the Allen Telescope Array through a new website Setilive.org. Users of the site will be asked to search for signs of unusual activity within the frequencies as it is hoped that the human brain can discover something the automated system may not catch.

Seti Live is the latest stage SETI's quest "to empower Earthlings everywhere to become active participants in the ultimate search for cosmic company". Dr Jillian Tarter, Director of the SETI Institute's Center for SETI Research has devoted her career to the search and is head of the new initiative. "There are frequencies that our automated signal detection systems now ignore, because there are too many signals there," she said. "Most are created by Earth's communication and entertainment technologies, but buried within this noise there may be a signal from a distant technology. I'm hoping that an army of volunteers can help us deal with these crowded frequency bands that confuse our machines. By doing this in real time, we will have an opportunity to follow up immediately on what our volunteers discover."

Colonel "Whopper" Creedon, Acting Director of Intelligence for UNETIDA, condemned SETI's work as a "nuisance" and called Seti Live "dangerous and irresponsible" as he warned that the program participants may inadvertently hasten an attempted invasion by an almost certainly belligerent alien race that could cause unprecedented damage to our way of life. It is believed that the Colonel will have UNETIDA Information & Communications introduce a "rogue" signal into the Allen Array to keep Seti Live enthusiasts baffled and out of his hair for years.

R.I.P. Ralph McQuarrie 1929 - 2012

Legendary concept artist Ralph McQuarrie, credited with creating the look of many Star Wars characters, planets and spacecraft for George Lucas has died at his home in Berkeley, California aged 82.

"I am deeply saddened by the passing of such a visionary artist and such a humble man," Lucas said in a statement at the weekend. "Ralph McQuarrie was the first person I hired to help me envision Star Wars. His genial contribution, in the form of unequalled production paintings, propelled and inspired all of the cast and crew of the original Star Wars trilogy. When words could not convey my ideas, I could always point to one of Ralph's fabulous illustrations and say, 'Do it like this.'" In fact, the Samurai-inspired black helmet and caped-outfit worn by arch nemesis Darth Vader was McQuarrie's work. It was his idea to put a breathing apparatus on Vader’s mask, so that he could survive in the vacuum of space and which led to the villain’s raspy voice in the films.

Even after the unprecedented success of American Graffiti, United Artists and Universal Pictures made the greatest mistakes in the history of errors when they each rejected the science fiction idea of a young George Lucas in the early ‘70’s, dismissing it as box office poison. Had the fledgling deity walked into his early meetings with 20th Century Fox in 1975 without what he did bring to explain his fantastical and ingenious imaginings, it may never have happened that Star Wars would become the phenomenon, religion and way of life it is today. Lucas enlisted Ralph McQuarrie to show Fox executives his story. Using Lucas’ visionary script for inspiration, McQuarrie drew scenes of epic space battles and warriors brandishing swords made of laser light. Armed with some two dozen such images, Lucas won funding from Fox and thusly McQuarrie is widely credited with shaping Lucas’ galaxy far, far away.

The original Star Wars characters: Han Solo, Starkiller Hero, Chewbacca, C3PO and R2D2

Born Ralph Angus McQuarrie on June 13, 1929, in Gary, Indiana, he grew up on a farm outside Billings, Montana. As a youngster he constructed model aircraft and was fascinated by space exploration throughout his life. He saw combat with the U.S. Army in Korea and survived a bullet to the head. The round punctured his helmet, bloodying his skull. After the war he attended what is now known as the Art Center College of Design in Pasadena. He began worked as an illustrator for a dental business drawing teeth and dentist’s tools before becoming a technical artist for Boeing in the ‘60’s and drew diagrams for the 747 construction manual. Later he was an illustrator for CBS and created animation sequences of the Apollo missions. Following his work for CBS he came into contact with Hal Barwood and Matthew Robbins, who had worked with Lucas on THX-1138, about designing a science fiction film. Through their work Lucas met with McQuarrie and asked him to design what ultimately became Star Wars.

McQuarrie served as an artist for all three episodes of the original Star Wars trilogy, and many of the illustrations which served as a base for what would evolve into the final character or spacecraft of the saga are known and revered by both casual and dedicated fans alike. Star Wars prequel illustrator Iain McCaig, called McQuarrie a pioneer of film conceptual art and before him, few directors called on artists to help visualize their projects. “He didn’t just draw a picture of Darth standing in a neutral pose,” McCaig said, “he did a scene of Darth lashing out at Luke Skywalker. You could feel the power and the pathos going on in that moment. He did more than just design costumes - He helped capture the the story-telling moments in really dazzling pictures.”

In The Empire Strikes Back, McQuarrie makes a cameo appearance in a scene inside the hanger during the Battle of Hoth. As part of Hasbro’s efforts to reproduce each and every character who has ever appeared in the saga: his character General Pharl McQuarrie was released as an action figure during the 30th Anniversary celebration of the movie. McQuarrie’s vibrant artwork also brought dramatic scenery and lifelike characters to realisation in such classics as Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Raiders of the Lost Ark and E.T. He was part of a team that won the 1985 Academy Award for best visual effects for his work on Cocoon. He also worked on the original Battlestar Galactica TV series, Back to the Future, Total Recall and the project that was to become Star Trek:The Motion Picture. His survivors include Joan, his wife of 29 years.

Sources: CNN, BBC, The Washington Post

WOW past its prime

On Wednesday Blizzard Entertainment announced it was to axe 600 staff worldwide from their Internet game development unit, primarily World of Warcraft. The blinker-wearing idiots that wouldn't admit that WOW was on a never-ending spiralling downfall will hopefully understand the true implications of these job losses, 200 of which will be in their Cork facility.

Blizzard opened its complex in Cork, Ireland as a European customer support centre in '07 and employment soared from an initial projection of just 100 jobs. Supported by the IDA in '09 then-Taoiseach Brian Cowen launched a massive 500 job expansion bringing the total Irish employment to almost 900. Over 12 million people worldwide subscribed to World of Warcraft - their largest game - and the Cork centre was able to provide support, advice and product information in 25 European languages.

Wednesday's news shocked both the Government and the IDA given that the computer games industry is globally enjoying booming sales. Blizzard claims that about 10% of these redundancies will come directly from game development, while the majority of redundancies affecting other areas of the business. "Constant evaluation of teams and processes is necessary for the long-term health of any business," Blizzard chief executive and co-founder Mike Morhaime said.

“Their subscriber base for World of Warcraft is getting smaller, so they are adjusting their cost structure for that decline” said Sterne Agee analyst Arvind Bhatia although I do believe some of the blame can be laid squarely at my own feet. Despite enjoying the RTS WarCraft series, I never endorsed World of Warcraft myself, dismissing it as too "gaudy" for a fantasy setting and that its animation was much to "stylised" for my liking, throwing my hat in with Turbine's Dungeons and Dragons Online instead. My non-public shunning of StarCraft 2's piecemeal release and my equally unvoiced declaration that - while I loved the Diablo series - I would not support Diablo 3 as it does not feature a Paladin [or any kind of divine-powered heavily armoured large sword-wielding hero archetype] may also account for Blizzard's decline if someone got wind of it.

Chances are, they'll need to hire again when the mindless sheep flock to this TITAN!

The 84th Academy Awards

Never before have I had so little invested in the Oscars. A phenomenally poor line up of overrated nonsense was being praised by the world’s most self-congratulatory group of attention-seekers. My interest was only piqued when Meryl Streep once again added to her collection for her portrayal of the great Margaret Thatcher. Naturally I frowned in disgust as Transformers: Dark of the Moon’s most deserving technical awards were shunned in favour of something unworthy. Best Picture went to an oh-so-original black and white silent movie and I think in an age of THX and Real 3D it was if the Academy was declaring a big “Fuck You!” to the world's audiences – pathetic. Kudos though to the wonderful Christopher Plummer, who is almost as old as Oscar, for Best Supporting Actor and the legendary James Earl Jones who received an honorary award.

There were a few interesting presentations to say the least, Ben Stiller played it straight for once against Emma Stone’s overly enthusiastic “new girl” while Will Farrell caused some racket with Zach Galifianakis they bashed cymbals together with their trademark brand of humorous antics. Sadly however Angelina Jolie proved that no matter how much leg she showed on stage, she’ll never upstage the delicate elegance of Natalie Portman who was by far the most resplendent of the evening even in her understated  gown. I was also surprised to have missed the memo where it was declared that Chris Rock would no longer be funny as he crashed and burned with some lame attempts at humour but Robert Downey Jr. didn’t disappoint by having his own personal camera crew with him filming a “Live Documentary” as he presented with Iron Man co-star Gwyneth Paltrow.

Despite the vacuously boring subject matter nominated this year, the production as a whole was saved by two major entertaining elements. These were the magnificent compositions of the prince of film composition himself - Hans Zimmer who scored the event splendidly and composed the greatest theme ever for any awards ceremony of all time and the hilarious presentation from Billy Crystal whose performance makes you wonder what muppet decides on giving the job to the likes of Anne Hathaway and James Franco. All I can say was thanks be to Lucas that Brett Ratner is a bigot and his antics caused the has-been Eddie Murphy to bow out gracefully. I won’t go so far as to say that it was Crystal’s best performance yet, but he stole the show with his trademark jokes without descending into Ricky Gervais territory, because Crystal doesn’t need to: “And now may I present a reoccurring fantasy of mine, Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz!” – and when introducting Christian Bale he warned the audience to "stay out of his eyeline!" - gold.

More next year.

When fame is confused with worth

I read a quite frankly ridiculous comment earlier somewhere from someone who wrote that America was "diminished" due to the loss of Whitney Houston at the weekend. I've heard some pretty nonsensical drivel from people on this here Internet [I'll admit to even adding to it], but that one was a doozy.

People, America is not diminished in any way because "one of her most talent daughters" [that was another one] was gone. I'm not saying she wasn't talented, she had a great voice, but America [and the world in fact] lost this talent years ago already when Houston choose drugs and alcohol over her career and descended into the abyss of excess and addiction. This weekend only saw the passing of a sad and pathetic forgotten shadow of a once great talent.

How I long for a day when the media acknowledges true heroes with the same zeal they use to glorify idiotic junkies. Sadly the same media machine like most other days fails to properly acknowledge the losses that truly diminish America - her patriots and defenders who perish in the sands of a distant land as they give their lives to bring freedom, democracy and a better way of life to those less fortunate.

Let us acknowledge the death of US Marine Lance Corporal Osbrany Montes De Oca, 20, from North Arlington, New Jersey, with the 2nd Marine Division, who was killed in action on Friday during an ambush by enemy forces in Helmand province and US Army Private 1st Class Cesar Cortez, 24, with the 32nd Army Air and Missile Defense Command from Oceanside, California, who died in a motor vehicle accident on Saturday in Bahrain supporting Operation Enduring Freedom.

You see, anyone with any kind of voice can sing but some are just better than others and society would have us believe that those are to be held in greater esteem. However, a precious few will volunteer to pick up a weapon and fight for what they believe in. Houston, De Oca and Cortez choose dangerous paths that could have - and did lead to their deaths. It's just annoying that the one idiot amongst them will be mourned by the most people.

Victory? - Webisode 1

The colonel plays a Ministry officer in "Victory?"

For years I have remained at my post vigilantly guarding against the alien menace. Unknown to the vast majority of Earth patriots, UNETIDA protect planetary citizens on a daily basis. While my unit and I maintain the highest level of alert readiness, our actions are highly classified and blissful ignorance reigns amongst the citizenry. But what would a world be like without UNETIDA? What would happen if we failed? I was approached by filmmaker John Vaughan to act as a military consultant on a fictional account of this terrifying idea. Joined on screen by some of Ireland's finest actors including Dave Split Second Duffy and Jonathan Patriot Games Ryan, it is my great honour to finally be able to provide for you shocking televised entertainment that paints the truest portrait of the threat we oppose.

For a chilling glimpse into this (luckily) fictional world, visit this link, watch Webisode 1 of Victory? and cast your vote using your Facebook details. This is a competition and we Marines never shrink from a fight. Rally to my cause and support this fine team who have worked fervently in service to you and show your appreciation by voting for Victory.

Colonel "Whopper" Creedon

U.N.'s dysfunctional payroll system highlighted

During their investigation into "irregularities" within the UNPASID and UNETIDA organisations over the past number of months, the Special Investigation Committee are believed - but unconfirmed to have discovered startling miscalculations in budget and personnel payroll. These beliefs may now be compounded by a newly released report by the Committee’s parent organisation, the U.N.'s internal watchdogs - the Office of Internal Oversight Services [OIOS] who have now highlighted that the system employed to track and manage employees and payroll across the U.N. Secretariat as being far removed from the normal world of accounting: you know the one where books balance, who works where is known, and giant undocumented inexplicable variations in payroll records are questioned instantly.

 

Not in the magical land of the U.N. however where: personnel records list thousands of employees for the NYC Secretariat but are paid elsewhere, 1,000 employees from other U.N. organizations are on the Secretariat payroll even though they do not appear in the Secretariat system as personnel, and when the OIOS themselves tried to perform a matching function they turned up differences worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in a single month, or nearly $5 million on an annualized basis. Additionally, new employees who work on the antiquated personnel system have not had training, while retirements have whittled down the number of veterans who actually know what they're doing. One obvious implication is that budget projections and reports to the nations that pay the U.N.’s bills and oversee its operations could potentially be works of fiction in comparison to the reality of the situation. Forensic accounting experts say that all of the things identified in the OIOS report point to a situation ripe for error and potentially exploitable.

 

In response, the U.N. itself claim the issues raised by the report no longer exist. U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon’s spokesman, Martin Nesirky, declared on behalf of the U.N.’s Department of Management that the concerns had been taken care of  "the reports used to assess the accuracy of the payroll results were found to be accurate by OIOS. The minor variances identified during the audit process were related to minor bugs in a very limited number of accounting reports. The fixing of those bugs, will be done no later than June 2012."

 

The OIOS report notes that the neglect of training was because the staffing managers expected their old payroll system to be replaced by Umoja, a sophisticated, computer and software platform, and so assumed they didn't have to finance keeping people updated on how to run the old system. The problem is that it didn't work out that way and the system was supposed to be completed by the end of 2012, at a cost of $312 million but it will now be 2015. One would think that if U.N.’s technology is in such dire shape, as is the high-tech solution to all the problems, then no one can be sure that the chaos outlined in watchdog report has been dealt despite the Department of Management's claim.

Read more at FoxNews.

Don't play the Game of Shadows

The anticipated sequel to Guy Richie’s seminal interpretation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Homes character, sadly does not continue in the same vein as it’s predecessor with Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows. It’s with a heavy heart I must report that the movie is a bitterly disappointing experience overall and captures none of the magic which brought the series to life. Yes there were some very entertaining moments and grandiose set pieces but there was far too much substance missing from this that it mostly fell apart under the weight of its ambition to be “bigger, better, funnier” [as it’s misleading publicity tagline went] than 2010’s Sherlock Holmes. Was part of it crushed under the weight of audience expectations for this to at least equal its predecessor? Perhaps, but the blame for this class of  nonsense can’t be laid at the feet of its audience.

I’m was questioning if Robert Downey Jnr. was back on the 'hard shit' after observing his performance here. While Holmes is indeed somewhat unhinged, he wasn’t a complete Section-8 as Downey goes out of his way to present him in this almost mockery of the character. If the man wants to show us he can do completely batshit crazy then he should keep it for a different project and not display it here.  In addition to Downey's epic fail, we also had an “oh so hilarious” eccentric nude homosexual performance from Steven Fry [also completely overacting], Jarrid Harris thankfully put in a subdued performance and I think did a better job than Mark Strong in the original even though his role here probably caused for a Jeremy Irons in Dungeons and Dragons. It was Jude Law who was actually the only star who seemed to take the movie seriously. In fact there was times when looking at Law that I could see him thinking “what the fuck’s going on here?” – and they weren’t Dr. Watson’s thoughts – they were Law’s “what the fuck’s going on here?”

Hans Zimmer composed a subtle jolly little theme for Holmes in the original and it was brought back for the sequel only now the score was three times louder with a 175% increase in instrumentation. I’d like to think that Zimmer composed such an over-the-top loud noisy score to both keep people awake by drowning out the abysmal dialog and generally distract us from the level of sheer nonsense on screen, but in my maturity I think not. No I conclude Zimmer got lost in some quasi-Wagnerian berserker-rage and composed this while foaming at the mouth.

In retrospect while watching Game of Shadows, I was reminded of both The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and The Wild Wild West [yes the Will Smith one]. As bad as this was it won’t be as bad as either of those reprehensible stains on celluloid but one would think that Hollywood would have learned about trying to marry modern standards with older genres - outside science fiction that is. This is rarely accomplished successfully and Brotherhood of the Wolf is the only example I can think of in recent memory where it has worked. While I can hardly argue that Sherlock Holmes was classically made, as Richie borrowed heavily from the techniques which have made him famous – where Sherlock Homes is to Lock Stock… and Snatch, Game of Shadows is to Rock ‘n’ Rolla and Revolver – basically Richie just vanishes up his own arse and completely ruins everything.

Final Verdict: Avoid, even on BD or DL.

Colonel Creedon Rating: *1/2

Movie Mini-Reviews 30-01-12

It was pointed out to me this week that I hadn't yet reviewed The Thing [the 2011 prequel]. I was sure I had, so I claimed I did. In reality I hadn't actually finished this post and must publicly apologise to Sith Master and submit the following:

In Time

In Time is a high-concept hard-science fiction tale from Andrew The Truman Show Niccol. Set in a world where you are genetically engineered to stop aging at 25, you are given a year to live before you die - unless you obtain extra time elsewhere. The only currency here is time itself and it can be transferred from one person to another by touch. As a result, the poor live day to day on borrowed time while the rich are practically immortal.

Justin Timberlake flexes his acting muscles yet again to take the lead in this his first major action role, he plays Will Salas a commoner from the workers district who only ever has hours on his clock and must work constantly to earn time to live. He meets Hamilton, a wealthy man with a century on his clock whom he saves from a brutal fate. Hamilton has death wish and fulfills it but not before bestowing Salas with his century. After failing to save his mother [Olivia Tron: Legacy Wilde] from “timing out” he travels to the wealthy district where he falls foul of a relentless timekeeper Raymond Leon [Cilian Inception Murphy], but befriends a feisty rich-kid Sylvia [Amanda Red Riding Hood Sigfried] who is disillusioned with her lot in life and they begin an incredible futuristic Bonnie & Clyde meets Robin Hood campaign to bring time to the masses.

This was an excellent alternate-universe chase-move and possibly one of the most original movies of the past ten years. The writer Harlan Ellison was at one time under the impression that this movie was based on "Repent, Harlequin!" Said the Ticktockman his 1965 short-story, but after seeing In Time, he promptly dropped his lawsuit and didn't even demand a credit - such was the movie's sheer originality. I want more of this please.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ****

The Thing

When you have the audacity to make a prequel to such a perfect piece of art like John Carpenter's 1982 masterpiece The Thing. The least you can do is not actually call it The Thing again. This makes it very confusing as if you now say The Thing without specification, then it's not immediately clear if your referring to to the original movie or this extremely lame turd.

The Thing 2011 which I chose to now refer to it as, is a fascinating study in ill-conceived movie making. Starring Mary Elizabeth Scott Pilgrim Winstead, Joel Star Wars Episode II, Attack of the Clones Edgerton, Ulrich Centurion Thomsen, Eric Christian NCIS: Los Angeles Olsen and a whole host of unknown Scandinavians who sound like The Swedish Chef. They basically all plod around running from unconvincing CGI monsters that pale in comparison to grotesque creations of Rob Bottin for just over an hour and a half under the incompetent direction of Matthijs van Heijningen Jr. who had made nothing before this other than commercials and a Dutch short-film - and boy does it show.

I beseech you all not to waste your time with this laughably-shit sci-fi horror, one of the most pointless prequels ever created that fails to add anything to its progenitor.

Colonel Creedon Rating: *

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol

I'll admit I didn't hold out much hope for a fourth installment of this ageing series despite J.J. Abrams delivering an adequate sequel [M:I-3] to John Woo's sublime masterpiece [M:I-2] - itself a superior sequel to a by-the numbers original Mission: Impossible from Brian DePalma back in 1996. This was because DePalma, Woo and Abrams had proved themselves to me before their M:I movies appeared but Brad Bird's only claim to my DVD shelf was The Incredibles a great movie but a CGI animated one,. Animation is a very different kettle of fish to the world of live-action movie making, certainly one as intense as I'd imagine an M:I shoot to be.

I needn't have worried at all, Bird took the reigns of this phenomenal beast and made it his own. He melded an excellent cast of Tom Cruise, Jeremey Hurt Locker Renner, newcomer Paula Patton and made fantastic use of Simon Star Trek Pegg forming the best IMF team of the franchise. The situation that the team find themselves in is far from ideal and they must complete their impossible mission with little support and with sharpened wits as opposed to audacious technology. Spectacular stunts, exotic locales and intense thrills have been the series hallmarks and this movie seems to have the most of the lot.

Absolutely outstanding, I almost died from adrenaline poisoning. You'd be an idiot to miss it.

Colonel Creedon Rating: *****+

Haywire

Not being a fan of  Steven Soderbergh didn't compel me to go and see this, but as his most recent effort Contagion wasn't all that bad and Haywire sounded somewhat interesting I said I'd give it a shot and my decision paid off. I won't sit here and tell you that because of this, Soderbergh deserves a place in the top 100 action-directors of all time, but this is certainly an adequate action-thriller worthy of some attention.

Soderbergh's usual ensemble cast was led by former mixed martial arts fighter Gina Carano as Mallory Kane who took to acting like a duck to water and fared far better then your average wrestler/sport-star turning their hand at acting despite needing to work less on her own stunts and more on her charisma. To assist her however, Soderbergh gave her such co-stars as Channing G.I.Joe: The Rise of Cobra Tatum, Micheal X-Men: First Class Fassbender, Ewan Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of The Sith McGregor, Antonio Desperado Banderas, Bill Aliens Paxton  and the venerable Micheal Douglas himself.

Kane works for a private mercenary contractor Kenneth [McGregor] who sends her on a rescue mission to Barcelona and later a milk-run to Dublin of all places where she realised she's been betrayed and goes on the run leaving a trail of corpses in her wake to clear her name. While the plot is extreamly contrived and full of holes, it's nonetheless an enjoyable thriller despite a lot of it being set in that shithole Dublin, an iffy misjudged score doesn't help and features an annoying performance from Banderas who shouldn't really be doing his Puss in Boots voice in a serious production. 

Nevertheless, I think now that he is done with the Ocean's sequels, Soderbergh could do worse than develop this as a franchise - just do better next time.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ***1/2

Solar Eruption will not destroy us all... ...this time.

After a satellite tracked an ultraviolet flash from a massive solar eruption - The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Agency’s Space Weather Prediction Center, the U.S.' official source of warnings about space weather and its impact on Earth, issued a watch for a geomagnetic storm expected to hit the  planet on Tuesday morning.

While the NOAA have stated that there is no risk to humanity, as a precaution, polar flights on Earth are expected to be re-routed. The blast from the immense solar radiation storm let loose with a coronal mass ejection (CME) that will hit the atmosphere Tuesday morning, something NASA and NOAA monitor for as it could cause problems for astronauts, communications satellites, rocket launches, navigation and even the power grid.

M9-class Solar Storm [NASA imagery]

The solar flare spat out late Sunday, Jan. 22, at 10:59 p.m. EST was rated an M9-class eruption -- nearly an X-class flare, the most powerful type of solar storm.

UNETIDA confirmed that it is on full alert as Rear Admiral "Smokestack" Henderson, Acting Director of UNETIDA personally briefed the press. "A number of our initiatives will have scheduling disruptions as the CME will deliver a strong glancing blow to Earth's magnetic field over the coming days as it sails north of Earth. However at no time will we defenceless."

Sources: NASA / Fox News

Helo crash claims 6 Marines

The DOD on Saturday identified the six brave men from Marine Heavy Helicopter Squadron 363 killed earlier this week in a helicopter crash in Helmand province, Afghanistan. German Brig. Gen. Carsten Jacobson, a spokesman for the NATO coalition in Kabul, said Friday that they were examining a “technical fault” as the possible culprit.

Marine Heavy Helicopter Squadron 363 known as the “Red Lions” is part of Marine Aircraft Group 24, 1st Marine Aircraft Wing, III Marine Expeditionary Force, out of Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii. The squadron consists of CH-53D Sea Stallion transport helicopters but is scheduled to transition to the new MV-22 Osprey with in the next few years.

The Marines killed were identified as: Capt. Daniel B. Bartle, 27, of Ferndale, Wash., Capt. Nathan R. McHone, 29, of Crystal Lake, Ill., Master Sgt. Travis W. Riddick, 40, of Centerville, Iowa., Cpl. Jesse W. Stites, 23, of North Beach, Md., Cpl. Kevin J. Reinhard, 25, of Colonia, N.J. and Cpl. Joseph D. Logan, 22, of Willis, Texas. I wish to offer my sincere condolences to their families at this time.

Doomsday Clock goes forward

The "Doomsday Clock" has become a universally recognised indicator of the world’s vulnerability to catastrophe from nuclear weapons, climate change, and emerging technologies in the life sciences. Last week, the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists (BAS) moved the symbolic minute hand from six to just five minutes before midnight. This was to reflect their analysis of the world’s lack of progress on battling climate change and WMD proliferation.

The clock was created in 1947 and set to 11:53PM by the directors of the BAS at the University of Chicago and originally seen as a symbol of the threat of nuclear war. Over the years, the clock has been moved to 11.58PM in 1953, when the US and Russia both tested thermonuclear devices but in 1991 after the end of the Cold War it went back as far as 11:43PM. The decision  to set the current position was made following a symposium in the US where scientists reviewed the implications of recent events including Japan’s Fukushima accident and trends for the future of humanity with input from other experts on nuclear weapons, nuclear energy, climate change and biosecurity.

The BAS formally announced it's decision to move the hand back to 11:55PM, because while it previously appeared that world leaders might address the truly global threats that we face, "In many cases, that trend has not continued or been reversed. The challenges to rid the world of nuclear weapons, harness nuclear power, and meet the nearly inexorable climate disruptions from global warming are complex and interconnected. In the face of such complex problems, it is difficult to see where the capacity lies to address these challenges. Political processes seem wholly inadequate; the potential for nuclear weapons use in regional conflicts in the Middle East, Northeast Asia, and South Asia are alarming; safer nuclear reactor designs need to be developed and built, and more stringent oversight, training, and attention are needed to prevent future disasters; the pace of technological solutions to address climate change may not be adequate to meet the hardships that large-scale disruption of the climate portends.”

Contributions from scientists and analysts working with the United Nations Extra Terrestrial Invasion Defence Agency however are not counted by the symposium due to the classified nature of their work. UNETIDA is however reported to have its own Doomsday Clock style chronometer on the wall of the Planetary Defence Command Centre. "Yep we sure do," confirmed Colonel "Whopper" Creedon, Acting Director of Intelligence for UNETIDA. "But considering the power of our enemies and what we know that you don't, ours is measured in mere seconds," he said chillingly.

Source: Yahoo via Eamonn

Money? What money?

On December 12th last, FOX News broke a story revealing that at least two major United Nations development agencies, described as having accumulated some $3.2 billion in cash in 2009, refused to divulge exactly what they spent their program money on. The information was contained in a confidential draft report prepared on behalf of the Norwegian development agency known as NORAD [not to be confused with the real NORAD] for the Norwegian government, one of the U.N.’s biggest donors.

The refusal revealed that the agencies, the United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA) and UNICEF, failed “grossly” to live up to the “credo of adherence to transparency” that both agencies claim to follow in their work. The two-volume draft study, was prepared in June and aimed to “contribute to the understanding of financing flows and current financial planning and budgeting processes,” at five selected U.N. agencies, including “how are resources allocated?” and “where does the money go?”

After Fox News examined the first volume they reported that four of the five U.N. agencies examined had a much bigger total of at least $12.2 billion in unspent cash by the end of 2009. All of the agencies refused to comment on the specifics of the document at that time. Nonetheless, they vigorously denied having unspent free cash in their treasuries, saying that the funds were specifically earmarked for the future years of programs that had already been approved. The agencies also declined to comment regarding the assertions made in the second volume of the study.

The report has naturally sparked a lively internal discussion over its conclusions and observations. The Volume I report declared that in addition to risking a donor backlash, the build-up of cash in the big U.N. aid agencies “implies that substantial donor funding is not being used for development purposes,” a notion that all the U.N. agencies vigorously dispute. Volume II of the study, entitled Activity-based Financial Flows in U.N. System: A Study of Select U.N. Organizations, focuses on what it calls “case studies” to support the first volume of general observations. And it discloses another major problem: according to the report, several of the agencies are apparently unwilling, or in some cases, unable, to account for what happened to some of the money that they know they spent.

A source close to the U.N. Special Investigation Committee, probing UNPASID and UNETIDA said that the $12bn figure was significantly close to a "Special Projects" budget that the senior staff of UNPASID had approved, but for which there was no known origin. The source spoke on condition of anonymity and was not authorised to make public statements on behalf of the U.N.

Read more at FOX News.