Sunday, May 06, 2007

Spider-Man 3: Complete Shit!

"I'm seriously worried that the whole thing is going to go awry". That's what I said waaay back in January 2006 when they revealed the casting choices and character selections for Spider-Man 3. And boy was I right (as I usually am) but never did I think that it would be this bad. Just to note: I am going to spoil everything here so if you're stupid enough to go and see Spider-Man 3 and don't want it ruined (more than Raimi has done) then don't continue past this line.
Spider-Man 3 sucked major ass. I don't know what the fuck happened. A nuclear bomb went off on this production and nothing could have saved this atrocious mess. I've often been criticised by not rating movies other than the ones that get 4 or 5 stars so this will be a departure from that policy big time.

To be quite honest I don't know where to begin, Okay they crammed three bad guys into this movie: Harry Osbourne who of course takes up the mantle of the Green Goblin to exact revenge on Peter Parker / Spider-Man for the death of his father. Then we have an angst ridden version of the Sandman another of Spider-Man's staple villains from the comic-book. Finally there was the much hyped Venom, who is a great character in the book but on screen is a load of crap; Amateurish CGI and a ridiculous "origin" plot cement the big-screen Venom as the worst move ever made by Raimi. With that lot there I was half-expecting Hobgoblin, Kraven, Vulture, Scorpion, Shocker and Rhino to turn up as well.

The plot of this movie veered so far off course from the comic-book that it didn't seem like a Spidey flick at all. The obvious love that Raimi had for Spider-Man's established lore showed in the care care and attention to the characters of the first 2 films, but this was in no-way evident on screen last evening. As I said in my previous post Gwen Stacy shouldn't have been here at all, Eddie Brock should be a 6-foot football jock not a Daily Bugle photographer, and the whole Uncle-Ben-was-actually-killed-by-Marko was quite frankly insane. The origin of Venom I may have lived with if it had sped up the film and they hadn't introduced the astronaut John Jameson in Spider-Man 2 who was supposed to bring the Venom symbiont to Earth thus ruining a perfect already established plot device.

The movie was far too long by about 25 mins, Raimi tried to pile too much on here. He had two new villains who needed origins, motivations and alter-ego's. One villain too many I say, either Sandman or Venom should have been chucked during the editing of the script especially if they were intent on exploring Harry Osbourne/Green Goblin, thus eliminating their origins and alter ego storyline as well. Gwen Stacy/Captain Stacy had no business really in the film they could have been cut too. There wasn't enough Daily Bugle/J. Jonah Jameson scenes and the snappy dialogue crafted for J.K. Simmons in the previous movies was absent here, it was like a character trying to be J.J. but not hitting the mark, it would have made more sense to have a J.J. hell-bent on tracking down the new black-suited-wall-crawling menace. All those changes may have made the movie less of a mess and less disjointed as opposed to watching Peter, Mary Jane, Harry, Sandman and Venom's mediocre storylines converge in a climax that while spectacular- I had lost interest about 45 minutes earlier and just didn't give a shit at that stage.

Despite having the character of Harry Osbourne assassinated by the writers, "I protected you in school" - He what? He was an asshole in school! James Franco seemed to be the only person even trying to act on screen, how fitting it is then for in a film like this that he dies. Another major problem is that they cast Bryce Dallas Howard as Gwen Stacy who unfortunately is a superior actress (with a superior bod) to Kirsten Dunst, it's unbelievable for Peter not to dump Mary Jane for Gwen. Dunst carried it off well for the previous two movies but her on-screen charisma is nothing in comparison to Howard. Thomas Hayden Church has come a long way from the village-idiot Lowell on the sit-com Wings but fails to impact as this over-dramatized Sandman. Topher Grace is an excellent comedy actor and his performance here should remind him to stay with the comedy genre. The best thing about this film wasn't even J.K. Simmons this time round, it was the amazing Bruce Campbell in a 2 minute cameo as a "French" waiter who easily stole the show.

Final word: Sam Raimi has turned what should have been an awesome trilogy to rank up there with Indy, LOTR and Terminator but has soiled the franchise with this excrement even worse then Brett Ratner did with X:3.

COLONEL CREEDON RATING: *

14 comments:

Mark said...

I concur, and the sad thing is that it made $375M worldwide this weekend proving to the studios that it's okay to shit in a bag and charge close to 10 euro a glance.

This is the moment the backlash against comic book movies begins.

Now here's the thing, was it just me or was the Goblin fight at the start of the movie difficult to watch? It was so badly animated that in some places you can't tell what the fuck is happening.

'jœrmuŋgandr said...

I'm sad to hear the film is absolute trousers.
On a related note, I think I have a reason for the Lt.Col's seemingly high ratings most of the time: selection bias. The Lt.Col knows what sort of film he likes - I bet if he were made to review a wider panel of films - say, romantic comedies, Robert ALtman films, etc, then we'd see a lot more 1 and 2 star films.

Lt. Colonel Creedon said...

@ Mark: Right you are old buddy, Sony Pictures chief executive Michael Lynton confirmed 3 more movies here.
There was a lot more wrong with this film than I've said here but I was getting so angry while writing it I had to stop.

I hope the "backlash" only effects FF2 or films we don't care about as opposed to The Dark Knight and Iron Man.

@ Joe: I see your point but if Spidy 3 is anything to go by I think we'll have enough 1's and 2's to satisfy those who enjoy reading of abysmal failure.

Anonymous said...

the money i paid to get into that film was only justified when parker turned into venom! i cant believe he was willing to make a complete ass out of himself. especially in the jazz club scene.

Jay said...

Two most exciting parts of the movie for me where the trailers for the forthcoming transformers release and the end credits when i knew that i could escape the cinema.
Jesus, mary, joseph the three kings the star of david, the water into wine the bread the fishes etc etc etc
I can just about believe that these miracles happened. partly because there isnt anyone alive to suggest otherwise but how the miracle of this steaming pile of horse shit ever graced the silver screen is beyond me. was it trying to be a comedy a romance a kids action movie??? it certainly wasnt trying to be entertaining in any way!! the fact that sony are rubbing their hands all the way to the bank is an absolute joke. GOD please give me the three hours of my life back

www.myspace.com/jstands4jay

Aaron said...

I liked it !

karate said...

u r an ideot the film is awesome and dude how can u call it bad man u r an asshole ps im a dj

Civilian Overseer said...

Judo-Chop, sure told your sorry asses!, I have to disagree with you Lt.Col, nothing sucks as bad as X-Men 3.

Anonymous said...

Goblin fight at the start of the movie "Difficult to watch" ? More like fucking impossible.

Anonymous said...

I have a cure for your problem, DON'T WATCH IT EVER AGAIN!!!!! I happened to enjoy the movie and, as soon as it is released, will be purchasing it on DVD.

Lt. Colonel Creedon said...

Don't worry. I doubt most people who made the mistake of watching this movie would ever want to watch it again, much like Batman & Robin that way.

Anonymous said...

Well i think that spider-man 3, is the greatest movie of all time!! and that your a basement virgin; that touches urself to images of the incredibly accurate Venom! Every detail was done down to perfection (the appearance, the origin, the attitude and of course that fantastic topher Grace!)
any ho i will kick anyones ass that says that spider man 3 is any thing other than brilliant

snoogins!

Lt. Colonel Creedon said...

"any ho i will kick anyones ass that says that spider man 3 is any thing other than brilliant"

Spider-Man 3 is still complete shit. Now come and kick my ass, moron!

Anonymous said...

Lt. Colonel Creedon u can suck my balls spider man 3 is the greatest movie i have seen since elecktra and xmen 3 (both instant classics):P


Nung!