Monday, August 11, 2008

The Mummy: The Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor

I very much doubted that even legendary director, the amazing Rob (xXx / Stealth) Cohen could pull of a great second sequel to The Mummy after Steven Sommers dropped the ball with The Mummy Returns in '01. And I was right, but this shocking pile of crap that displays none of Cohen's artistic strengths was worse then I expected.

I love seeing Brendan Frasier on screen and the Rick O'Connell character is still cool after all these years, but I wish he was given more meat instead of being stuck in this garbage with the ol' "Here we go again" (referring to of course yet more encounters with Mummies - as if nodding cheaply to the Die Hard movies when McClane finds himself in the "same shit" in each installment of that franchise). His performance alone is still worth half a star though.

I'm glad that it was her decision not to do this after reading the abysmal script, but possibly the worst crime here was to recast Evelyn from the quintessentially beautiful English rose Rachel Weisz to Maria fuckin' Bello of all people!!! The only thing I'd cast Bello as is a skanky $10 whore, certainly not Evelyn O'Connell. She's now too old and unattractive to be a summer blockbuster action-movie leading-lady. I'm going to leave it to my fellow blogger Cubaboy to paint a more flattering picture of her however.

Jet Li didn't have much to say (which is not uncommon for Jet) but I expected more from one of the siver screens current greatest martial artists, as I did from Michelle Yeoh who should have got to kick more ass and I'm not even going to start with the two younger cast members because it's just the pinnacle of this horrible mess.

I will say that most of the special effects, especially the monsters- dragon & yeti were well done and worth a half-star, but that (with Brendan Frasier's half-star) is about all I can wring from this disastrous movie. Hell even Randy Edelman, one of my favourite composers failed to provide any memorable musical accompaniment.

Final Verdict: If you see one shit movie this year- try to see something better than this. It won't be hard.

Colonel Creedon Rating: *


Anonymous said...

And WB obviously know that it's shit because they have put the Long anticipated (by us Freaks that love the books) Half blood prince trailer with this movie, ensuring that there will be a high box office return on the coat tails of that.... how many will stay for the film though?????

Anonymous said...

"The only thing I'd cast Bello as is a skanky $10 whore"

Well, Lt.Col, as your experience with $10 whores is legendary, I'll take your word for it. ;)

Lieutenant General Creedon said...

@ Pint Of: None if they have any sense!

@Civvy: That was an undercover operation. I do what I do for the flag!

Anonymous said...

Ah That explains it, you where spending the government's dime, I thought $10 whores where too rich for your blood especially on the money the Marines pay you, luckily for us politicians, patriots, such as you are willing to lay down their lives for their country at the minimum wage!

Bruce Russell said...

Query: which is preferable? One $10 whore, or two (2) $5 whores. And does it make any difference if we pronounce the word so it sounds like "hoor" as is the practice in much of Ireland?

Does Connie have any thoughts on the matter. *Snicker*

Anonymous said...

She does, and I quote:

"Should I get one $300 hookerbot, or 300 $1 hookerbots?"

An engraved invitation to kiss my gluteus maximus is on its way to your mailboxes. Except for Pints. Oooh! That reminds me! I have beer! So long, suckers!

Anonymous said...

Bruce, really it comes down to what the Customer prefers, but at these prices, one $10 dollar, 2 $5 dollar or even 5 $2 dollar, ladies of negotiable virtue. It's more a question of Quantity over Quality,

A "Cute Hoor", is someone who manages to get a good deal, e.g. "the Lt.Col managed to get a $10 dollar whore for the price of a $5 dollar one, well, ain't he a cute hoor!