Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Colonel Returns from the U.S.

I'm back folks! You'll be pleased to know that I have returned from my travels alive and well rested. I had a very different vacation when compared to my last one to the U.S., this time choosing to spend my days in the quiet forest area of Hocking Hills State Park in Ohio.

But it wasn't all R&R. I discovered to my horror upon my arrival that most of the countryside was covered with snow and ice! But it was March! The snow was over a foot in some places and even waterfalls had frozen solid, their cascading waters halted by sub-freezing temperatures. This had to be more than the idiocy of Al Gore who swears the planet is getting hotter...

My investigation led to an area near Old Man's Cave, a popular tourist destination for visitors of the area. There I discovered a live Frostobulekker, an ice-dwelling alien entity that I had encountered some 15 years ago in the Antarctic.

While back then we needed phosphorous grenades and napalm to destroy the one in the freezing conditions of the South Pole, it was easy to see this one was too weak in the relative warmth of the Midwestern United States to put up any sort of fight.

As it seemed most unwilling to communicate...







...I destroyed it with a stick.

Peace and tranquility broke out all across the land as the sun's power was then enough to melt the remaining snow and ice.

You're welcome America!

Now it's time for me to get back to work so bear with me while I sort through all the usual news you must know!

8 comments:

Alro said...

Welcome back.

Civilian Overseer said...

Damned Frostobulekker, should have hired a Wampa. Just can't get good help these days.

Civilian Overseer said...

Colonel, BTW, I can't tell if you disguised yourself as a beardy-weirdy or have embraced hillybilly chic. Either way, I'm sure it's against the regs.

Anonymous said...

hmmm I get the feeling the Colonel may have been reliving some GI JOE memories there ....you left the cabin intact at least...please tell me you did that at least!

vaughan said...

Tha anonymous post was me by the way....just in case the Colonel starts thinking just who has so much research done on him?....by the way if you beat the Frostobulekker with a stick what the hell did you have to use all the weaponry the last time!This is Unetidas flagrant spending again ...I want to see how you explain this one to the Shadow Ops finance commitee on the Hill....although your explanation for the solid platinum toilet handles was in hindsight reasonable

Constance said...

So good to see that you made it out alive, Colonel. I mean, all that snow and ice looks dangerous. You could have fallen and gotten an axe in the back!

Colonel Creedon said...

@ Alro: Thanks man.

@ Civvy: You would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those pesky kids.

You're quite correct. A full beard as seen in those photographs is in direct violation of the Uniform Regulations Of The United States Marine Corps, Paragraph 1004 [Personal Appearance] Section 7 [Grooming Regulations] (d) [Facial/Chest Hair] Element 1. "The face will be clean-shaven, except that a mustache may be worn. When worn, the mustache will be neatly trimmed and must be contained within the lines of B-B', C-C', D-D' and the margin area of the upper lip, as shown in figures 1-1 and 1-2. The individual length of a mustache hair fully extended must not exceed 1/2 inch." I would of course never appear in garrison or dress uniform unshaven. However, individuals assigned specifically to Special Operations Forces have some leeway when operating in countries where it my be necessary to "blend in" with the locals. A clean-shaven whitey would get spotted and eliminated in seconds, but a beard like that in a country that prides the bearded affords you a second glance from your enemy - and a second glance is all that's needed to put two rounds into their temple "Booyah!"

My illness did not afford me the time to stand in front of a mirror to remove it upon my return from the mission-zone and as I was going to another area where people seem to pride their beards [even some of the women - shudder] I decided to keep it until I returned to duty. Rest assured it's shaved now. Hey do you think I should put the hair in a zip-lok and sell it on Ebay?

@ Vaughan: I did leave the cabin instact. It was a nice cabin and I felt it unnecessary to see it destroyed as Destro did to Snake-Eyes' cabin in the High Sierras in G.I.Joe #31 [or the AF 1987 Summer Special depending on where you live]. Although admittadly I did examine the floor for a bolt-hole in case a clandestine escape was necessary...

As for the Frostobulekker; you see the one in the Antarctic was in it's "home" enviornment - sub-zero uninhabitable conditions to us but one in which this entity thrives. We needed serious heat and firepower to eliminate that. Ohio on the otherhand was like 65F [18C], a thaw was trying to take hold and probably would have suceeded in eventually beating the Frostobulekker if I hadn't eliminated it beforehand.

I probably should also mention the one in the Antartic was 300 meters tall, able to move and could fire ice-rays with the effect of liquid-nitrogen at us. The one in Ohio did not seem to display any of these characteristics.

@ Constance: Indeed my dear. Anything could have happened in a hostile enviornment like that.... anything!

Civilian Overseer said...

Colonel the government expressly forbids, I repeat, forbids you from putting your genetic material on the market. Can you image if the North Koreans or Iran got a hold of it?.

There is only room for one walking WMD on the planet.