Saturday, June 20, 2009

Has Obama Declared War On Bugs?

UNETIDA was placed on it's highest alert level Wednesday when it was learned that President Barack Obama personally slew a rogue fly in The White House.

UNETIDA Commander - Air Vice Marshal “Albatross” Davenport flew to Washington DC. Wednesday to meet with the US Joint Chiefs Of Staff concerning the President's recent actions during an interview for CNBC where the he had threatened, assaulted and subsequently murdered a Musca domestica or Common Housefly, and then gloated about it.

“Basically, I had to be sure that the US wasn’t going to single handedly wage war on the flies” AVM Davenport said following the meeting. He said that UNETIDA does have a degree of autonomy but The UN Security Council must authorise their actions on a global scale. “President Obama’s somewhat reckless actions had us poised for war, should any of the insectiod races chosen to retaliate against any of us, ...and by any - I mean literally anyone! We don’t know if those blighters recognise our geopolitical divisions, they could take out whatever country was facing them at the time depending on the rotation of the planet. There’s no knowing how close, we came or even if the danger is passed. What if the fly was an ambassador or a peace envoy? We’d be rightly stuffed!”

“Annoyed? You bet your goddamn ass I’m annoyed” responded Colonel "Whopper" Creedon, UNETIDA's Special Operations Commander as he prepared his men, when asked if he was annoyed about the sudden mobilization of his unit due to Barack Obama’s new-found killer instinct. “But not pissed at my at my CinC for growing a pair as big as mine! No, I’m annoyed at these PETA morons for revealing that we possess “non lethal” methods of dealing with Bugs and that there is a section of human society that is prepared to use these devices willingly. Hellshit! The last impression we want to give our potential insect overlords is that we’re weak and faggoty about dealing with their threat and don’t wanna harm ‘em. Screw that! They’re gonna to get a subscription to a new broadsheet “The Daily Dose of Death” and I’m the Delivery Dude! Oorah!!!”

In a related note, Lt. Colonel “Dingo” Stuart, UNETIDA Asst. Director of Intelligence, has been given an assignment to detect any agency reporting the missing/damaged status of one of these.

Here is the video which is now being beamed into space and could anger those watching... from afar...


9 comments:

Dahar Master said...

http://www.whitehouse.gov/assets/images/kennedy_servicemeeting_CK-0181.jpg

Constance said...

A new Kung-Fu master has arisen... and it's the POTUS!

Anonymous said...

I'll tell you what this is, a slow fucking news day. Some guy kills a fly...what next, dog bites man shocker??? Rain found in Ireland??? For fucks sake!!

Civilian Overseer said...

I'm shocked and appalled that the Colonel let a bug get so close to the C&C in the first place. I mean first a shoe thrower slips though his security net and now this. You're slipping Creedon, pretty soon,you'll slow down enough for Guns or Grunt to get even with you.

Anonymous said...

Guess the words got away from you again, eh, Colonel?
"not pissed at my at my CinC for growing a pair as big as mine"
if swatting a bug is all it takes to get a pair like yours...

Colonel Creedon said...

@ Anononymous [1]: It is. Perhaps we should be thnkful for that in an age where each new day of news fills us with stories of injustice, sorrow and suffering worldwide. We need something "lighthearted" to break the cycle and hopefully make a potential suicide think twice about their actions.

@ Civvy: Presidential security isn't handelled by UNETIDA. That why he has the Secret Service. Please direct your insults to Director Mark Sullivan.
Guns, fair enough but not Grunt; the only getting even with me he would want to do is make sure I buy him a pint as we had an uneven number of rounds the other night???

@ Anonymous [2]: But yeah a public figure deliberatly doing what he did on national television, risking the image of him that had been built up over years and which would certainly incur the wrath of PETA, religious nut-jobs and special intrest groups the world over - yeah that's some pretty big cojones. ...and easily seen you ain't got any hiding behind your Anonymity. Hooyah!!!

Civilian Overseer said...

Still suffering from MyRoundPhobia, eh Colonel?, you havn't changed have you. ;)

As for the Presidental security, are you telling me you wouldn't swat a fly for your president?, just because it's not your job?. Did Patriotism just die?

vaughan said...

I for one would just like to say that when the day comes , I will welcome our new fly overlords!

Anonymous said...

PETA
People Eating Tasty Animals?
I'm all for that!