Ukraine's next president could be Darth Vader?

Vladimir Putin's very own propaganda machine Russia Today reported that the Sith Lord Darth Vader is now a real Ukraine presidential candidate. It's obviously not the real Vader [as he succumbed to his wounds and died in the arms of his son aboard the second Death Star] but the otherwise unnamed chairman of the Ukrainian Internet Party, who wears a Darth Vader outfit during his public appearances.

Vader's involvement in Ukrainian politics seemed to begin in the 2012 parliamentary election. The Sith Lord actually scored a record 3% of votes, which could have secured high office but because supporters had to add Vader’s name to the ballots themselves, they were rendered void.

Lord Vader with his signed paperwork outside City Hall in Odessa

This time however, Darth Vader has already filed the necessary paperwork to appear on the May 25th ballot along with submitting the required deposit of 2.5m hryvnia ($225,225) for presidential candidacy. He told Russia Today: "I am prepared to take responsibility for the fate of this country, if fellow citizens do me this high honour. I alone can make an empire out of a republic, to restore former glory, to return lost territories and pride for this country."

Despite my love of Star Wars, a win for Vader would be disastrous on two levels -

1: It's a bit nuts in all fairness and cheapens the sanctity of Star Wars and

2: Putin could invade Ukraine on the basis they've lost all sense of reality if they've elected a Disney Character as President or just as easily use Vader's publicly stated imperialist policies to initiate a first-strike against Ukraine as he doesn't seem to need much excuse these days.

Basically, I'm not on board with this. Now if it was Master Yoda....

Source: Mr. V / Gizmodo / RT

Alien mothership photographed in Chile!

SPEARHEAD have dismissed photographic evidence from Chile of an enormous UFO as a ‘trick of light’ 

Brigadier General “Whopper” Creedon, SPEARHEAD Assistant Director for Intelligence and Information informed reporters Friday that Gen. Ricardo Bermudez (Ret.) the director general of the Comité de Estudios de Fenómenos Aéreos Anomalos urgently contacted the SPEARHEAD field office in Santiago to report the findings of a couple who took a photograph of an aerial anomaly over a reservoir. Creedon explained that the report was given adequate analysis and investigation since March 20^th, but ultimately it was considered to be insubstantial.  

“While we at SPEARHEAD have tremendous respect for General Bermudez, his people and the work of CEFAA, we cannot at this time, support their claim that the anomalous aerial phenomenon is real and we consider the “proof and the eyewitness accounts” to be as flimsy as a Victoria Secret model’s underwear,” said General Creedon. “The sun is clearly visible in the photographic “evidence” as it often is over that beautiful country,” he continued “but when shining down as it does on say the waters of - say a reservoir - it can certainly create some light refractions and play more than a few tricks of light, which I can certainly forgive for being mistaken for a giant mother ship descending upon the world.”

Source: Mr. V, io9, Planeta UFO, Terra Peru, Ricardo Francino Saldivia, Guillermo Giménez, Planeta UFO with translation by S. Corrales

Happy Paddy's Day

I say Paddy's Day because the whole concept of a 'St. Patrick' has religious connotations and thus passe in today's society. And it's not really a day for HIM it's a day for US. But whatever you call it. Spare a thought for the Marines in Okinawa, Japan who do this on Paddy's day.

It'll probably make more sense after you gave a few, so get started. That's an order!

RIP Hal Douglas

He was the man who told you Martin Riggs was a "criminal's worst nightmare", he warned you to "Check your weapons, take your seat, and say your prayers" when going to see Con Air and he promised you that "The world will never be the same once you've seen it through the eyes of Forest Gump." Sadly, he lost a 4 year battle with cancer and passed away last Friday. His name was Hal Douglas and you've never heard of him.

Douglas was second only to Don LaFontaine [who passed in 2008] in the world of TV commercials, movie trailer voice overs and documentary narration. While LaFontaine is credited with creating the phrase "In a world...", Douglas perhaps used it just as much often substituting Land/Time/Town etc. for World as needed.

He said once in an interview: ‘I never thought of it as a great voice.... It’s throaty, chesty, a voice in need of clearing.’

He may have had one slight edge in the fame stakes over his peers however; in 2002 he portrayed the character of "Jack", an over-zealous voice-over artist literally lampooning himself and his entire career in a trailer for the Jerry Seinfeld movie Comedian. It is considered by many, including myself to be the funniest movie trailer of all time.

Rest in peace Mr. Douglas.

There's been more than one Lone Survivor

Peter The Kingdom Berg adapted Marcus Lutrell's harrowing account of Operation Red Wings which took place in June 2005. While Berg does use a fair amount of artistic licence in the kill-count and the last 10 minutes is just a Hollywood war-porn and DID NOT HAPPEN THAT WAY - it's no reason not to enjoy this in the spirit it is intended, for Lutrell to tell the world the story of the courage and heroism of his buddies who were lost on an op that went sour.

The cast was brilliant. Mark Wahlberg [as Lutrell] loses his 'Mark Wahlberg' persona to do some 'real' acting for a change and comes out on top. Ben 3:10 To Yuma Foster, Emilie Killer Joe Hirsch and Eric Black Hawk Down Bana all bring their A-game to this fine piece of work. And finally Taylor Kitch has FULLY REDEEMED himself for both John Carter and Battleship and does good service to Lt. Mike Murphy, a name known by every U.S. serviceman today.

In the late 80’s I led a four man Force Recon team into ███████ on a three day Green Op to gather intel so that the brass could plan an operation against the ███████ there. Everything went exactly as planned for the first two days, we had a wooded area for concealment and clean lines of sight on ███████ but little elevation. On day three however everything went to hell. One of the ███████ K9 sentry patrols caught a whiff of some 3-day old Devil Dog sweat or something of ours when the wind changed and began making for our position. The dog handler was out of direct site of the rest of the ███████ but as he seemed to be about to radio in that he was veering off his patrol path, I gave the order to drop them. Three seconds later Gunny Hackett had perforated the handler’s skull with some 5.56, and sent the mutt to doggie heaven too.

We were so fucked. It was almost midday, broad daylight and we had ten minutes, if lucky, before Turner and Hooch were noticed missing. Hiding the bodies was pointless and would have bought us out of cover and probably taken as long as their search party would have taken to find us. It was time to get out of Dodge. Ten minutes seemed optimistic now. We had only gathered our gear and intel, sent our extraction request and were less than half a klick South when the ███████ alert klaxon started wailing – and they had more dogs.

To be honest I thought I was cleverer than the hounds; my egress route took us through a river which would delay doggie pursuit as we’d not enter and exit the river on opposite banks – we’d get out on the same side about a klick downstream! It was an ingenious strategy and I was confident it would enter the Corps' advanced training doctrine for SERE before long. Now if Sergeant Xan just hadn’t triggered that claymore we’d all have escaped intact.

There was nothing left of SSgt Xan save his dog tags, but Sergeant Wieler was very much alive and was pretty vocal about losing his leg below the knee. Giving him a branch to chew on silenced him as we applied a tourniquet but Gunny Hackett and I were under no delusions that the ███████ knew exactly where we were now. As the Gunny's thigh had taken shrapnel, he took the intel and I hoisted Sgt Wieler to begin our downward slope towards the bay before the first bullets began to puncture the foliage around us and we heard the angry barks of well-trained hounds.

The first shell landed about 200 meters in front of us which was bad news because we were running into their range. The dog-augmented force behind us and the several hundred meter sheer drop to the side meant that our best chance was to bet against the mortars. Finally Lady Luck seemed to take some pity on us and we were out of range before we got to the coastline. Alas, our zig-zagging had allowed the ███████ to catch up to us and there was now a heavy machine gun employed with it’s tracers buzzing past us like angry hornets. We stopped a few times to return the favour and dropped a few of 'em before I saw Gunny Hackett’s knee getting blown out and I felt my own stab of pain in my shoulder.

Sgt. Wieler, although unconscious, saved my life because most of the machine gun rounds had chewed him up instead of hitting me. I had met his folks some months back, his death would hit his mom bad but his dad had been a squid in 'Nam and new the score. He’d proudly hang his kid’s Purple Heart above his own and that of his father before him from WWII.

Gunny Hackett grabbed my arm and handed me the intel. “Captain, this is bigger than us! Get it to them!” He was bleeding from his chest now too. I gave him my grenades, spare mags and I saluted him. He returned it saying "Go Sir!" As I ran, I heard him lay down precision covering fire, earning a posthumous Medal of Honor, a photograph of which I'd be allowed to show his wife and daughter some months later. I heard a tremendous explosion from Hackett's position just before I dived into the surf eliminating most of who was pursuing me, and I recall dearly hoping that the extraction sub got our message.

Has this got anything to do with Lone Survivor? No it's just that the sights and sounds in the movie caused a few flashbacks as I watched it. Most Hollywood war movie/action fare won't do that to me. This is no Black Hawk Down but it rides with The Hurt Locker and it seemed real enough from my seat - I don't think it can get more praise than that from someone who's done what I have.

Whopper Rating: *****

SPEARHEAD and NASA unconcerned for now

During an emergency UNSC meeting on the Crimean crisis yesterday a question was raised concerning SPEARHEAD's ability to secure the planet should there be conflict between the superpowers.

The commander of SPEARHEAD U.S. Army Lieutenant General "Stomper" Santorno, said that both he and his senior flag and general officers including those from the Russian Federation "serve a higher cause than any one nation and are responsible for the planet first and our flags second". He explained that while the operating forces of SPEARHEAD are commissioned, instructed, trained and fielded by the worlds military and security forces as well as drawn from the medical and scientific community of many nations their oaths are superseded by the needs of Earth as a whole.

General Santorno's sentiment was echoed by Russian Air Force Lieutenant General "Voran" Kerimov, SPEARHEAD Deputy Commander for Operations/ Deputy Chief of Staff who addressed the council as the most senior Russian Federation officer assigned to SPEARHEAD. He said that any officer or or serviceman who does not commit his life to the security of Earth would be summarily dismissed from the organisation after a short but effective course of brainwashing.

While SPEARHEAD may find it easy to close ranks, the media became concerned about the joint Russian-U.S. space program. Currently a U.S. astronaut and two cosmonauts, one whom is from Crimea, are scheduled to touch down on Russian soil next Monday after months aboard the ISS. "Everything is nominal right now in our relationship with the Russians," said NASA Administrator Charles Bolden.

Since the retirement of space shuttle program, the U.S. relies entirely on Russia for human transport to and from the ISS, paying $70 million for every astronaut. U.S. House of Representatives Science Committee Chairman Lamar Smith said in a statement on Tuesday that the U.S. needs to back away from the arrangement with Russia's space program and paying them to "hitch a ride to space". He wants NASA to develop it's own delivery vessel and once again lead the world into space. "Leadership in space exploration is a goal worthy of a great nation."

Former astronaut Tom Jones says that NASA is intent on keeping ISS missions from becoming a political football. He points to the Apollo/Soyuz missions of the mid-70s, during the height of the Cold War, as evidence that the two countries cooperated in a spirit of detente and said the two space partners are more inter-dependent than ever now. "What they lack for example, is all the control software that we use to point, manoeuvre and control the space station," Jones says. "So, they would not be wise to deny us access, because they would be denying themselves access to all the utilities and supplies they need for the space station."

Source: FOX News

SPEARHEAD PRIORITY ONE EAM - CODE 8.
TUESDAY - MARCH 4TH 2014 - 03:15 EET.
DIRECTED: SPEARHEAD OPERATING FORCES NAVAL LOGISTICS COMMAND SEVASTOPOL, UKRAINE.
ORDERS: EVACUATION ORDER PROTOCOL 4 IN EFFECT. AIRLIFT TO SPEARHEAD REGIONAL SITE 566, ISTANBUL, TURKEY.
SIGNED: CORPS GENERAL D'ANGELO, SPEARHEAD REGIONAL OPERATIONS COMMANDER EUROPE.
END.

The 2014 Academy Awards got stuck in a 'Gravity' well

Yes I came up with that title myself and let's face it, it's probably worthy of it's own award, but instead let me acknowledge last nights achievements in movie making.

Gravity deservedly walked away with seven golden statuettes including Best Director, Score, Cinematography,  and Visual Effects celebrating it as one of the most remarkable and original pieces of entertainment this century. As it's also the only one of the major motion pictures nominated that I'll probably watch at all [and I thought it was excellent], then I'm going to agree with everything it got.

The other winner was Steve McQueen's 12 Years A Slave, a more obvious Oscar-demander dealing with the darkest period in American history which took Best Supporting Actress for newcomer Lupita Nyong'o as well as the coveted Best Picture. Disney's Frozen also took two awards one for Best Animated Feature and Best Song, while The Great Gatsby took the two main Design awards.

Other winners included Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto for Dallas Buyers Club with Best Actor and Supporting respectively. Cate Blanchett, Best Actress for Blue Jasmine and Spike Jonze for his Her screenplay. 

Ellen DeGeneres hasn't been on the Oscar stage for some time but she was certainly a safe option to host as well as someone who probably wouldn't get herself into too much trouble [even with Liza Minelli whom she accused of being a transvestite]. But I guess not everyone can be Billy Crystal.

The In Memoriam was nicely done and the inclusion of Harold Ramis was noted even though he only passed away a few days ago. Sadly however they always forget some very notable names like the great Dennis Farina, but the lack of Tom Clancy was quite frankly unforgivable.

Someone asked me what movies/people I'd give the awards to for the year instead. Well, I think Gravity's sound was outstanding and I can't think of another movie that needed such a rich soundbase before so I agree with the Academy. Alfonso Cauron's direction was also faultless so he'd still get best director. Again Visual Effects had to go to Gravity they blew Star Trek and Iron Man out of the water. In difference to actual winners, I would have given Best Actress to Bullock if only to never give an accolade to a Woody Allen movie and as great and necessary as Steven Price's score was for Gravity, the best score of the year was actually Trevor Morris' effort for Olympus Has Fallen [with a nod to Zimmers' Man of Steel]. 

Veering completely away from any nominations I'd tie Jim Carrey and Russel Crowe for Best Supporting Actor for Kick-Ass 2 and Man of Steel respectively [with a nod to Cumberbatch for Star Trek Into Darkness]. Diane Lane was in a class of her own in Man of Steel and would have had no competition from what I saw. I thought the most work into design was on display in Pacific Rim [with a nod to Riddick] while the physical stunt work in G.I.Joe: Retaliation, Fast and Furious 6 and It's a Good Day to Die Hard would be impossible to compare, and I don't think they give an award for it?  

Shane Black and co. easily wins any screenplay battle with Iron Man 3 as does Robert Downey Jr. for his portrayal of Tony Stark in it but it'd be impossible difficult to give a "best picture" award to a single movie. If there's a separate award for Animated Feature they should also break up the live action to respective genres. Then I'd be able to make Gravity best drama, Star Trek Into Darkness best sci-fi, The Hobbit The Desolation Of Smaug best adventure/fantasy, Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa best comedy and Iron Man 3 best action movie - and if I can't do that, then why the hell not? I'm the General goddammit!

Aliens attack Earth, hit moon!

September 11th will always hold special meaning for Captain "Watchman" Talbot, Team Leader at SPEARHEAD Observation Station Matador in Rota, Spain. Like many young Americans, Talbot enlisted in the military following the 9/11 attacks in 2001. He first worked as a Command & Control systems technician in the USAF before making the jump to officer. His first officer promotion to 1st lieutenant in 2009 also came on September 11th, and four years later as a newly minted captain he was assigned to what was then UNETIDA. But September 11th, 2013 will be the day Capt. Talbot will never forget as he was a real-time first-hand witness of an alien attack against Earth that could have wiped out several buildings - somewhere, were it not for the fortuitous position of the moon.

Brigadier General "Whopper" Creedon, SPEARHEAD Assistant Commander for Intelligence and Information briefed the UNSC on Monday on what took place at 20:07 GMT, 11 September 2013. He detailed the impact of small but fast apparently low-yield projectile which struck the moon causing a bright flash of light for almost 10 seconds. The projectile, according to the General “was approximately one meter wide and propelled at a tracked rate of over 60,000km/h as it impacted on the lunar surface.” General Creedon did not, or could not reveal the source of the alien projectile and was not forthcoming in speculation, but was adamant that it was "a belligerent alien projectile and not an benign errand meteorite.”

General Creedon also briefed the council on the public information being released concerning the thwarted attack. "SPEARHEAD is ceding primary credit for the observation of the attack to Spanish astronomers operating the Moon Impacts Detection and Analysis System (Midas) of telescopes in southern Spain. This of course is to protect PROJECT: MOONSHIELD which vitally must remain completely classified. We obviously also needed to reclassify the attack, to the more acceptable natural phenomenon of a meteorite hitting the moon's surface." informed the General.

SPEARHEAD’s redacted and replaced information [complete with expertly doctored video evidence] was reported in the Monthly Notices of the Royal Astronomical Society, appeared in the science and technology section of BBC News and was posted on popular space phenomenon an pop-culture website IO9.

Sources: IO9 / Mr. V.

Space rock lost, but MEEOWS scores hit

Described as an astronomical event not to be missed and would have been live streamed all over the world; 2000 EM26, a 900-foot asteroid, was supposed to streak by the planet Tuesday night, close enough for us to see it as it zoomed by. Somewhat alarmingly however, it never showed up, sending astronomers into a blind panic as they came to the realisation that it had vanished and they have no idea where the asteroid has gone.

There are many theories as to how the thing just disappeared. It’s most likely that it’s orbit was originally miscalculated - but surely not by everyone who did so? Did no one double check? It’s not the kind of calculation you’d want to get wrong, especially if an asteroid was coming close enough to Earth for to us to see. The Slooh observatory is trying to track down the asteroid using robotic telescopes, and has also asked amateur astronomers to help out with the search.

In an announcement that appears unrelated, Major General “Spiker” Lurd, SPEARHEAD Deputy Commander for Planetary Defences, announced that there was a successful test firing of the Microwave Energy Earth Orbital Weapons System [MEEOWS] developed by DARPA, the The Russian Federal Space Agency and Google. “We had as successful test firing on an unidentified space object about the size of 3 football fields” announced General Lurd excitedly. “The object superheated and we believe it silently fragmented into granule sized debris,” he said grinning from ear to ear. “We can’t wait to try it out on the alien mothership when it…” but apparently before he was finished the General’s microphone was cut and his assistant thanked reporters for attending before dismissing them.

Source: IO9 / Slooh / Mr. V.

Movie review catch up 19-02-14

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

Anchorman is without a doubt one of the best, some say 'the best' single comedy movie of all time. No sequel could hope to match it and there was even a dark fear that a sequel would detract from the original. Well I can verify that it’s true that it couldn’t match it for laughs and quotability for likely the next 50 years, Anchorman 2 is an ‘acceptable’ sequel to the magnificent original. I would have to describe it as a dear old uncle whom you have not seen in years but you’re now just a bit too old for him to give you money anymore. All the laughs and the charm is there and you enjoy the company – but there’s no payoff.

The movie pretty much follows the theme and tone of the original as perhaps they were afraid of deviating too much from the formula with which they struck gold before but everything now is a lot more rehearsed, dare I say ‘forced’ and certainly more visually expensive on screen. Ferrell, Rudd, Kocher, Carell and Appelgate all return and are joined by Kirsten Wiig and James Marsden. Cameos from the likes of Harrison Ford, Liam Neeson, Will Smith and Vince Vaughan certainly didn’t keep the budget down but did keep the laughs up as the “finale battle” degenerated into am epic farce of apocalyptic proportions. Certainly worth a look if you’re a fan of Anchorman or Ferrell but missed if you don’t tolerate either.

Whopper's Rating: ***1/2

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

Ben Stiller directs himself, taking the daydreaming character for another silver screen spin after Danny Kaye did for Norman McLeod in 1947. This time out, there is the advantage of digital effects to make Walter’s daydreams more [un]believable. While there is no shortage of laughs I wouldn’t put this into the same basket as Stiller’s other comedies like Dodgeball or even Meet The Parents, instead it seems to veer into Oscar-chasing territory in it’s themes, scope and vision which is a bad thing as most Oscar-chasers are shit. It would have been far more in Stiller's favour veer away from reality and deliver more crazy antics of Mitty’s daydreams.

Regardless, excellent performances from Stiller, with Kirsten Wiig [she gets around], Adam Scott bringing his best asshole performance since Stepbrothers and even perpetually muppet-faced Sean Penn was tolerable in his cameo. This might be one for TV to be honest.

Whopper's Rating: **1/2

Jack Ryan Shadow Recruit


Shakespeare-lover turned more worthwhile movie director Sir Kenneth [Thor] Brannagh turned his directorial attention more recently to the late Tom Clancy's most famous character - Jack Ryan. The result was a perfectly judged, excellently shot, masterfully directed but overall mediocre spy-thriller. Writer David Mission: Impossible Koepp plotted a new origin tale for the Jason Bourne wannabe that could have been something better in the hands of someone more capable like Tony Gilroy if they wanted to go down that route.

Chris Star Trek Pine plays the titular character 'adequatly', swapping his Captain Kirk cockiness for a young man who realises he's woefully out of his depth but manages to make the best of his situation. While he'll never surpass the likes of Alec Baldwin or Harrison Ford's Jack Ryans, he was certainly better than Ben Affleck although that's not hard now is it?

Pine is supported by Kiera Pirates of the Caribbean Knightly who is destined to become Ryan's long suffering wife Cathy and Kevin Costner returned from the dead last year for Man of Steel and it looks like he's decided to stay alive to portray William Harper for a couple of Tom Clancy franchise movies.

Whopper's Rating: ****

John Key not Alien Lizard!

Not a reptile

New Zealand's Prime Minister John Key responded to an Official Information Act (OIA) request asking for "any evidence to disprove the theory that [he] is in fact a... ...shapeshifting reptilian alien ushering humanity towards enslavement".

"To the best of my knowledge, no. Having been asked that question directly, I've taken the unusual step of not only seeing a doctor but a vet, and both have confirmed I'm not a reptile," said Key yesterday. "So I'm certainly not a reptile. I've never been in a spaceship, never been in outer space, and my tongue's not overly long either."

Shane Warbrooke of Aukland put in an OIA request to the PM's office possibly after reading the nonsense created by David Icke, a British author who believes many world leaders are actually part of a plot to enslave the human race, driven by reptilian shapeshifting aliens.

When asked was it true that Captain “Caduceus” Fox M.D., Assistant SPEARHEAD Surgeon General was recently called to Wellington, New Zealand to perform verification, the SPEARHEAD spokesman Master Warrant Officer “Chatterbox” Hendrickx said there was no comment. He did however deny a report that Shane Warbrooke took an unscheduled leave of absence from work because he was sent to a SPEARHEAD 'reeducation' facility in Australia.

Source: 3news.nz / IO9 / Mr. V.

Issues continue at Malmstrom

SPEARHEAD has declared it has grave concerns regarding new revelations last week that the number of US airmen embroiled in a nuclear cheating scandal has now practically tripled to almost a hundred.

During investigations into alleged drug use by personnel at other bases, 34 US Air Force officers in charge of launching nuclear missiles were suspended in January due to accusations of cheating in monthly proficiency tests. It was not immediately clear whether the additional 58 or so airmen implicated were alleged to have participated in the cheating or were involved in an indirect way.

The Air Force said that the entire team at Malmstrom AFB in Montana in charge of overseeing missile launches would be re-tested after the Air Force OSI discovered that one missile officer had shared test questions with 16 other officers. It said another 17 admitted to knowing about this cheating but did not report it. The tests in question are designed to ensure proficiency by launch officers in processing classified “emergency war orders,” received through their chain of command to launch a missile.

The scandal has led to security clearance suspension and temporary removal from duty of a substantial near 20% of the 500 strong Air Force cadre of nuclear missile launch control officers. Malmstrom is home to the 341st Missile Wing, responcible for 150 nuclear Minuteman 3 ICBMs, a third of the entire ICBM force. The Air Force has not clarified how that affects the mission, beyond requiring the remaining nuclear crew to bear a bigger share of the work. This has naturally lead to fear that the U.S. nuclear response capability is at least been temporarily diminished.

Recently appointed Air Force Secretary Deborah Lee James said she was “profoundly disappointed” at the alleged cheating and drug possession. The Air Force Chief of Staff General Mark Welsh, said there is “absolutely no excuse” for cheating. Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel ordered a review of the problems inside the ICBM force saying he was "deeply concerned" about morale and discipline among nuclear officers - but insisted that US nuclear arms were safe. Hagel met with senior officers involved in the nuclear force last Wednesday at the Pentagon to discuss how to attack the problems.

Questions were also raised by the UNSC about the United States ability to support SPEARHEAD’s Skyshield initiative, by where ICBMs from the U.S., Russia and China are interlinked to use their combined launches to destroy belligerent extra-terrestrial craft. SPEARHEAD’s Missile Defence Commander Brigadier General "Rockets" Thompson said should SPEARHEAD conclude that the U.S. is no longer capable of sustaining it’s third of Skyshield; they could retask and station Russian and Chineese nuclear submarines inside U.S. territorial waters to make up for the deficiency – even if there’s no imminent threat. “Something I doubt the Pentagon would be overly happy about.” he added.

Philip Seymour Hoffman 1967-2014

Hollywood was shocked yesterday as the tragic news of the death of Oscar-winning actor Philip Seymour Hoffman [46] broke. The actor apparently died of a drug overdose, police said, and envelopes containing what was believed to be heroin were found with him.

Hoffman had a heavy-set build and often looked dishevelled. He was equally at home with either comedy or drama and he won the Academy Award for Best Actor for the 2005 biographical film Capote oft mentioned in the classic podcast 2IGTV. Hoffman was nominated for three other movies, The Master [2012], Doubt [2008] and Charlie Wilson's War [2007] and received three Tony nominations for his work on Broadway, including the role of Willy Loman in Death Of A Salesman [2012].

Despite such accolades, the aforementioned movies and the majority of the movies Hoffman appeared in are in all honesty – boring drivel. If you’re not a beard-stroking pretentious twat however, you will better regard Hoffman for his supporting role in Twister [1996] while horror/thriller aficionados will be more familiar with his role as Freddy Lounds in Red Dragon [2002]. Nevertheless it’s almost certain he will be most regarded for his portrayal of the villainous Owen Davian in J.J. Abrams’ Mission: Impossible III [2006], easily the greatest villain Tom Cruise has ever sent to his death throughout his career. Hoffman brought an air of true villainy to the Mission: Impossible franchise that I have very little doubt will ever be matched and he even got to fight himself thanks to the series' signature mask-play. The hatred the audience eventually felt for Davian was so palpable that his on-screen death brought a cheer for all who observed.
 

While he may have portrayed many intelligent characters throughout his career, Hoffman himself wasn’t so mentally gifted as evident from the foolishness of his drug use. He revealed in a 2006 interview that he had suffered from substance abuse after graduating from college, and went to rehab. He relapsed over 20 years later, and checked into a program in May 2013 because of problems with prescription pills and heroin, the substance that apparently ultimately killed him.
 

Hoffman's body was discovered in a bathroom at his Greenwich Village apartment by his assistant and a friend who made the emergency services call. He is survived by his partner of 15 years, Mimi O'Donnell, and their three children.

Papal blood stolen for clone?

SPEARHEAD is on the trail of a radical militant Catholic sect called the "Paladins of Yahweh” whom they suspect are behind the theft of a precious reliquary containing the blood of John Paul II from a remote mountain church in Italy on Saturday.

The stolen reliquary. In the centre of the medallion is a piece of cloth on which Pope John Paul II's bled after an assassination attempt in 1981.

World news reported the reliquary and a crucifix, were stolen from their location in the Church of St Peter of Ienca in San Pietro della Ienca, Abruzzo, Italy. On Monday a team of aboiut 50 Carabinieri police officers, aided by sniffer dogs, searched the area close to the church at the foot of Gran Sasso, a 9,550ft- high mountain in the Apennines east of Rome in in the belief that the thieves might have immediately dumped the stolen objects as was the case in a similar theft of the pontiffs blood stolen from a priest while he was travelling on a train north of Rome, but alas there has been no such luck here.

It’s believed that because John Paul II is due to be canonised by Pope Francis in April, that the reliquary, one of only three in existence, will increase exponentially in value and this may be simply a tale of old-fashioned greed. Nothing other than the crucifix and reliquary were stolen from the church, not even the collection box, which might indicate that this was a “commissioned” robbery.

Meanwhile, Giovanni Panunzio, head of Osservatorio Antiplagio an anti-occult group suggested that the theft might be linked to Satanism. “This period of the year is important in the Satanic calendar so this sort of sacrilege often takes place at this time of the year.” Some cults see the period of January 20-27 as a time for the “abduction, ceremonial preparation and holding of a sacrificial victim for Candlemas”, a feast day celebrated along with other “satanic revels” on February 2nd.

However, SPEARHEAD is currently only investigating because the Paladins of Yahweh have become a noteworthy and “highly motivated threat” according to Major General "Jäger" Brandt, SPEARHEAD Deputy Commander for Security and Surveillance. This is believed to be due to Pope Francis’ extremely moderate views uncharacteristic of a person in his station, which include but not limited to: eschewing the traditional trappings of his position for mundane accommodation and vehicles, general acceptance of homosexuals, debunking the traditional interpretations of hell and purgatory, assuring atheists will have a place in heaven and making a blood-sacrifice to Falconus, God of Birds. “It’s almost certain that groups like the Paladins of Yahweh would be incensed by Pope Francis' actions” said General Brandt “and we must draw to the inescapable conclusion that their theft of the relic was for the sole purpose of developing a clone of Pope John Paul II to somehow ‘rise from the dead’ and get the Catholicism back on their track.”

During question time General Brandt said that while there was absolutely no evidence supporting the theory that the Paladins of Yahweh were even involved, let alone possessing the scientific knowledge or technology associated with human cloning, he assured the press that “it was still the most likely scenario” and added “It just really has to be ja?”  In response to a final question Brandt said “As a matter of fact I’ve just finished reading ALL of Dan Brown's novels, but I fail to see what this has to do with anything. We’re finished now ja?” and he just left the podium.

Source: Irish Times / The Telegraph / BBC / Mr. V

Movie review catch-up 29-01-14

Homefront

This movie is based on a book which Sylvester Stallone purchased the movie rights for years ago because he wanted to make it into Rambo IV. However what must have happened was that someone must have reminded Sly that John Rambo wasn’t a former DEA agent, nor had he a daughter so this was totally the wrong book to buy for Rambo IV and he went in a different direction for that sublime masterpiece and shelved Homefront for later.

Another reason why Homefront wouldn’t have worked for Rambo IV was that it’s basically Commando and Raw Deal rolled into one and to be fair, even Sylvester Stallone is above knocking off old 1980’s Schwarzenegger movies for his second most famous character. However with the likes of Jack Reacher and 2 Guns proving that Hollywood seems to be in an 80’s/early 90’s fad at the moment, Homefront is not out of place. Jason Statham is Phil Broker a former DEA agent trying to make a peaceful life for himself in Louisiana with his young daughter but his violent past catches up with him when their lives are disrupted by both local hoodlums [great performance from James Franco]  and the desire for revenge by a man whom Broker put away.

Whopper's Rating: ***

Gravity

Children of Men is one of the few British movies I own, so when Alfonso Cuaron set his next movie in space, but not sci-fi space, I became quite intrigued. Cuaron crafted a gripping,  at times frightening and deliberately claustrophobic tale of a female astronaut [Sandra Bullock] and her quest to survive in the cold darkness of space and return to the Earth.

Now despite what the complaints from Niel Degrasse Tyson “buzzkill of science” would have you believe, over 99% of the audience either won’t know or won’t fucking care that you wouldn’t be able to see space debris in the manner depicted in the movie. The realism of the movie is nevertheless far above the Hollywood norm for this type of film and eschews the customary sounds in space that are often added for theatrical reasons and favours instead Steven Price's score to aurally punctuate the events on screen. The result is indeed a bleak representation of the otherwise exciting realm of space but not entirely without it’s own excitement. See it in 3D if possible.

Note: This movie was seen in 3-D as exemption clause [D] was enacted, negating the DECLARATION OF REJECTION FOR MAINSTREAM THREE-DIMENSIONAL CINEMATIC PROJECTION AS A VIABLE ALTERNATIVE TO TWO-DIMENSIONAL IN ITS CURRENT FORM made in July 2012

Whopper's Rating: *****

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Peter Jackson's fifth epic middle-earth movie won’t disappoint those that enjoyed the first past of this new trilogy begun last year. Here however we have a much more cohesive adventure, less exposition, more neck-breaking action and a rather large dragon!

Tolkein purists will get their noses in a knot with the addition of Legolas and the creation of Tauriel but I’m not going to stand here and complain about Orlando Bloom representing the finest screen depiction of an elvish ranger and certainly not feign disgust the hot red-headed elven totty in the form of the delectable Evangeline Lilly because I couldn’t convincingly do so. As far as I’m concerned I’m sure that if Tolkein had been writing for a Hollywood movie and not the greatest fantasy books of all time then Peter Jackson wouldn’t need to make the alterations he is now.

I think I’ll chalk up Desolation of Smaug to be an excellent middle part of the story, but as we all know the endgame is the most important, and I’ll reserve final judgements until then. The Hobbit: There and Back Again is released December this year.

Whopper's Rating: *****

SPEARHEAD: "No unidentified craft or structure on moon"

SPEARHEAD today denied what it called “ridiculous” reports of an enormous spacecraft, or structure apparently lodged in the surface of Earth’s moon.

Reports emerged last week that a large object of unknown origin was visually verified as having landed or was constructed on the moon. The reports claim that as a result, three Terrier-Orion rockets were launched from NASA's Wallops Flight Facility last Wednesday on undisclosed missions for the DoD.

Apparently they believe that in 2011, NASA began tracking what a source described as “an array of massive, three-dimensional, black structures in space, in straight-line formation, advancing in direction of planet earth” and in 2012 the source [identified only by an assumed name “Dr. Eric Norton”] was shown photographs of them taken over several months. As the objects got closer, Norton confirmed that "They were shaped in the best way I can describe, as a three-dimensional L-shaped craft."

It was reported that once the objects had reached a point 200,000km beyond Mars in January 2013, they vanished, but their assumed trajectory brought them in close proximity, or direct contact with the moon. It is said that in response, the U.S. launched a previously Obama-cancelled project LADEE [Lunar Atmosphere and Dust Environment Explorer] in September to supplement NASA's existing Lunar Reconnaissance Orbital Camera [LROC] to assist in locating and photographing the objects and “by December, 2013, both LADEE and the LROC found at least one of the two enormous objects had landed on the moon, in a crater the size of the City of Chicago.”

No source was specified, but it was reported that LROCs high resolution images were classified by the U.S. government, however it’s low-resolution photos were “accidentally” uploaded to Google Moon, a Google Earth-type application that plots the lunar surface, and of course the objects were seen by members of the public – revealing the incredible secret!

SPEARHEAD responded to the media reports at a press conference where the SPEARHEAD Assistant Commander for Intelligence and Information himself, Brigadier General “Whopper” Creedon in his first full press conference since assuming the post in November, was quick to rubbish the claims of the media reports. The General described the media as obviously having a “slow news day” where they were behaving “like barnacles” latching onto the totally refutable claims  of “some irresponsible quack, who is obviously high on drugs” in reference to Dr. Norton and that they should adopt a more stringent policy when vetting sources.

The General issued concrete assurance that there was no unidentified spacecraft or structures on the moon and that the people who are looking at the photos have equal judgement to the “bunch of time-wasting freaks who saw rats and lizards” in the recent photographs of the Martian surface. Responding to questions, Creedon also stated that many NASA projects had received special funding from "elsewhere" to proceed as planned and the DoD frequently launches craft at a moments notice for secret surveillance purposes and to increase drone range across the planet. "There's nothing to be concerned about," he assured.

According to SPEARHEAD's senior scientist Dr. "Quantum" Pataal, who assisted Creedon "there are several far more rational explanations for the moon photo anomaly including but not limited to: space debris passing by, tricks of light, meteorite impacts or the more likely scenario which is simply stitching artifacts from applying hundreds of square images onto a three dimensional spherical object". The latter phenomenon is often seen in Google Earth itself and is common in modern 3D video games.

Unfortunately, General Creedon's press conference was cut short by what appeared to be an emergency as his aide-de-camp handed him a cellphone. Nearby microphones picked up him saying: "Jade Rabbit is dead?.... How?.... It found WHAT?..... Dear God!"

Source: Turner Radio Network / Space.com / The Daily Mail / The New York Daily News / Mr. V

Movie review catch-up 21-01-14

Escape Plan

Stallone and Schwarzenegger have teamed up before but that was really only for the last act of The Expendables 2. In Escape Plan they get near equal billing and screen time in this glorious homage to The Great Escape, er I mean that other epic prison escape movie Fortress!

It’s fairly bizarre seeing Schwarzenegger actually act for a change playing an intelligent individual rather than just grunting as shooting, although there’s plenty of both including his appropriation of a Helicopter-mounted machine gun which he fires from the hip. Stunning performance also from Jim Caviezel as the prison warden with Vinnie Jones as the over-eager head guard lapdog.

Whopper's Rating: ****

Ender’s Game

Based on controversial homophobe Orson Scott Card’s classic sci-fi novel, Ender’s Game is the tale of a child prodigy trained to become the supreme battle strategist for the human race as it prepares to defend itself against attack from an insect-like alien race.

I’m probably going to dump this in my disc collection with the likes of Wing Commander, the movie based on the game, as I wouldn’t consider this a potential classic science fiction movie by a long shot but I’d certainly watch it again. Sir Ben Kinglsley shows up to support Asa Butterfield [Ender] with Abigail Zombieland Breslen, Hailee True Grit Steinfeld and Harrison Ford as Colonel Graff.

I’ve been told to read the book to fully appreciate how much Hollywood has “butchered” this classic science fiction tale, but from what I’ve read so far, the decisions the producers made seem to be entirely understandable. 

Whopper's Rating: **** 

Thor: The Dark World

Worthy sequel to a movie that I originally thought would fail because I think the character is a bit silly to be honest. However Branagh made it work and now Alan Taylor gets to deliver a tale of epic proportions as Thor imprisons Loki in the aftermath of The Avengers but must learn to work with him against an ancient enemy to save his beloved Jane from being consumed by darkness [along with the rest of the planet].

Here the ground work is laid for “phase 2” of the Marvel Super Heroes arc that will continue in Captain America: Winter Soldier and on to Guardians of the Galaxy and Avengers 2. Everyone from Thor returns for The Dark World, so no surprises. Christopher Eccleston [who wants to be a ‘real actor’ so much he snubbed Doctor Who's reunion] is the woefully substandard villain. Natalie Portman still looks like she just doesn’t want to be in the movie but a tip of the hat goes to Stellan Skarsgård for bringing even more life to Prof. Selvig this time around. Cameo alert: You will recognise Chris O’Dowd you may not Benicio Del Toro, you have been warned!

Whopper's Rating: ****1/2

Ignorant cinema texter taken out!

As this did not involve a currently serving law-enforcement official it can't be added to my Shoot First... series, but it nevertheless highlights a justifiable, if a tad overdramatic, response to something that ought to be considered a heinous crime.

Earlier in the week, a dispute over the use of a cell phone inside a cinema “escalated quickly” to quote Ron Burgundy, leaving the cell phone user dead and a smoking gun belonging to a former police officer.

The dispute began around 13:30 at a showing of new Mark Wahlberg movie Lone Survivor at The Grove 16 Theatre in Wesley Chapel, Florida. Curtis Reeves Jr., a 71 year old retired Tampa Bay police captain, asked Chad Oulson 43 to stop texting on his cell phone. According to media outlets Oulson apparently refused, telling Reeves that he was sending text messages to his young daughter. Reeves subsequently alerted the theatre staff, an act which seemed to escalate the confrontation.

A Marine Vietnam vet and eyewitness in the theatre, Charles Cummings [68], told reporters that the men started raising their voices and popcorn was thrown. According to authorities Reeves allegedly drew his .38-calibre semiautomatic pistol in front of about 10 people and shot Oulson.  According to the arrest report, Reeves claims that the victim struck him in the face with an unknown object and said that he was in fear of being attacked and the shooting was self-defence. Judge Lynn Tepper rejected the notion that second-degree murder charges were too severe and refused to let him out on bond.

Personally, I think that people who use their mobile phones in a cinema deserve to be shot. It’s a darkened room and cell phones are bright with increasingly bigger screens nowadays and are very distracting. Chad Oulson was given ample warning by Curtis Reeves to cease and desist but was too much of a dickhead to comply. Interestingly, he was also allegedly sending a text to his daughter whom different media reports are saying is aged between 22 months and 3 years, in any case – too young to have a cell phone, so if true, Oulson was apparently a bad parent as well as an asshole.

However, perhaps surprisingly I don’t think Reeves was entirely justified in his actions in this event; this is because the trailers were still showing. You see, the main feature hadn’t actually started yet and I think it should be OK to use your phone up to the point where the movie proper actually starts. Regardless of the lack of justification, we now live in a world there this has happened; of course the lesson here is if you use your phone during a movie from now on, you should be prepared to go down like a punk.

Paul Hellyer reveals undisputable alien presence

Canada’s former defence minister The Honourable Paul Hellyer PC spoke on Russia Today recently saying that alien species have been visiting earth for thousands of years and they’re worried that humans are going to wreck the planet. He said up to 80 different species regularly visit earth; some are the familiar “grays” seen in popular culture and caricatures while others pass as humans.

Hellyer explained that they come from all over the galaxy but while one or two of the species were benevolent and wanted to help humans, we haven’t seen more of them until very recently because they’re bound by a code of conduct from providing superior knowledge to us, presumably similar to Star Trek’s 'Prime Directive'.

Hellyer said military investigators had found strong evidence that at least four species had been visiting earth for much of human history, and their visits had become more frequent since our discovery of atomic technology. He explained their fear that we would start using atomic weapons again.

He said aliens had accepted that humans had a right to run their own planet, although they were concerns about our stewardship of it and while aliens wish they could share more technology with humans, they’re afraid we’d use these advances for warfare.

Unusually, SPEARHEAD were not quick to denounce, or even prevent Hellyer from being broadcast. Master Warrant Officer “Chatterbox” Hendrickx of the SPEARHEAD Public Affairs office said in a press event that former minister Hellyer did great service to his country in the 60's and some of the very model that he used to unify his country's armed forces into a single organisation was used by UNETIDA to do the same with international forces in the early 1970's.

MWO Hendrickx was keen to point out that although Mr. Hellyer did not speak for SPEARHEAD, his "wise and level-headed counsel would be welcome at any negotiation table" between the people of Earth and the beings from [in Hellyer's own words] "near one of Saturn's moons" in due course.