Papal blood stolen for clone?

SPEARHEAD is on the trail of a radical militant Catholic sect called the "Paladins of Yahweh” whom they suspect are behind the theft of a precious reliquary containing the blood of John Paul II from a remote mountain church in Italy on Saturday.

The stolen reliquary. In the centre of the medallion is a piece of cloth on which Pope John Paul II's bled after an assassination attempt in 1981.

World news reported the reliquary and a crucifix, were stolen from their location in the Church of St Peter of Ienca in San Pietro della Ienca, Abruzzo, Italy. On Monday a team of aboiut 50 Carabinieri police officers, aided by sniffer dogs, searched the area close to the church at the foot of Gran Sasso, a 9,550ft- high mountain in the Apennines east of Rome in in the belief that the thieves might have immediately dumped the stolen objects as was the case in a similar theft of the pontiffs blood stolen from a priest while he was travelling on a train north of Rome, but alas there has been no such luck here.

It’s believed that because John Paul II is due to be canonised by Pope Francis in April, that the reliquary, one of only three in existence, will increase exponentially in value and this may be simply a tale of old-fashioned greed. Nothing other than the crucifix and reliquary were stolen from the church, not even the collection box, which might indicate that this was a “commissioned” robbery.

Meanwhile, Giovanni Panunzio, head of Osservatorio Antiplagio an anti-occult group suggested that the theft might be linked to Satanism. “This period of the year is important in the Satanic calendar so this sort of sacrilege often takes place at this time of the year.” Some cults see the period of January 20-27 as a time for the “abduction, ceremonial preparation and holding of a sacrificial victim for Candlemas”, a feast day celebrated along with other “satanic revels” on February 2nd.

However, SPEARHEAD is currently only investigating because the Paladins of Yahweh have become a noteworthy and “highly motivated threat” according to Major General "Jäger" Brandt, SPEARHEAD Deputy Commander for Security and Surveillance. This is believed to be due to Pope Francis’ extremely moderate views uncharacteristic of a person in his station, which include but not limited to: eschewing the traditional trappings of his position for mundane accommodation and vehicles, general acceptance of homosexuals, debunking the traditional interpretations of hell and purgatory, assuring atheists will have a place in heaven and making a blood-sacrifice to Falconus, God of Birds. “It’s almost certain that groups like the Paladins of Yahweh would be incensed by Pope Francis' actions” said General Brandt “and we must draw to the inescapable conclusion that their theft of the relic was for the sole purpose of developing a clone of Pope John Paul II to somehow ‘rise from the dead’ and get the Catholicism back on their track.”

During question time General Brandt said that while there was absolutely no evidence supporting the theory that the Paladins of Yahweh were even involved, let alone possessing the scientific knowledge or technology associated with human cloning, he assured the press that “it was still the most likely scenario” and added “It just really has to be ja?”  In response to a final question Brandt said “As a matter of fact I’ve just finished reading ALL of Dan Brown's novels, but I fail to see what this has to do with anything. We’re finished now ja?” and he just left the podium.

Source: Irish Times / The Telegraph / BBC / Mr. V