Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Whiteout - Frosty

What an incredible opening to a movie - It's nighttime and there's a snowstorm. A Russian transport plane is flying over Antarctica. Then there's like this shootout - an incredibly clever thing to do on a plane. Naturally the pilot is killed and the plane spectacularly crashes in the ice and snow, it's fires are soon quenched by the intense cold leaving no trace. The following scene is even better; as one of the most supremely hot women on the planet Kate Bekinsale arrives at her Antarctic base and she promptly sheds about nine layers of clothing down to an impossibly white white sports bra and panties and proceeds to remove them too and take a splendid shower which unfortunately restricts you to imagining what she's doing as the steam reacts far too quickly to the cold air obscuring our lecherous gazing. Both scenes comprise the first 10 minutes of the movie...

Sadly the rest of it is cinematic excrement.

Dear God, what a travesty of cinema. After the opening 10 minutes we're soon treated to the most dull, boring, cliched and predictable thrillers I've ever had the misfortune of seeing. At first I thought they had taken a daring step with vaguely 'film noir' style dialog, but I soon realised it was just shit writing. I think it was catering to some of the most stupid people on the planet - you know the blonde bimbo sitting behind you at the cinema who needs the movie's plot explained - well not this time Barbie, because it's practically spelled out for you here. Dialog like: "I'm in the shower", says Kate as her doctor friend [Tom Skerritt] enters her quarters to the sound of running water and endless steam - he's an M.D. I think he'd work out that for himself luv. Later Kate finds a map with big squares drawn on it like a grid with big numbers from 100-105 in each square. Big red Xs have been drawn through 100-104 and Kate points to the map now filling the entire screen: "It looks like they stopped at grid 105." Truly a master detective.

After about an hour of fuck all happening I just wanted to drift off and dream that shower scene was longer but my eyes were transfixed to the hole-filled train-wreck plot which contained about seven or eight flashbacks of increasing duration to explain the traumatic on-the-job experience that Kate had years ago to prompt her to escape to Antarctica to forget about it. Once the director has used up these flashbacks however, he starts to create flashbacks of things we saw at the beginning of the movie, including the plane crash and the dialog that practically reveals the true evil mastermind - just in case we weren't paying attention the first time we saw them just over an hour ago. Why couldn't Kate have a flashback of the fuckin' shower scene? I remember that too but I'd not object to seeing it again - from an ahem, different angle perhaps.

I did briefly nap but woke up about 10 minutes towards the end to the noise of the final fight scene between Kate, the one-dimensional Gabriel Macht [he wasn't he in a shit film already this year?] and someone I'd obviously missed the introduction of. This ended exactly as I though it would - completely unspectacularly. This left only the obligatory "shocking twist" as our heroine puts all the pieces of this painfully obvious puzzle together revealing the true culprit to this ridiculous plot.

Final Verdict: For this, I'll use the words of Sith Master, who mailed them to me earlier: "Watch the 1st 10 minutes and the trailer. Any other good bits (blood freezing underfoot, slashed throats, etc.) are interspersed with tedium. Watch the rest only you have a fetish for the lead actress."

Colonel Creedon Rating: *
[because I can't give ***** for the just first 10 minutes]


Bruce Russell said...

You get points for your correct use of the term "frosty."

I, Constance said...


Yes. Chill, frozen, frigid.

The opposite of warm. Snug. Pleasant. Toasty.

You know, now that I think about it, it is pretty cold when people skate on thin ice...

Former Grunt said...

Good movie then? :)

Bruce Russell said...

Lots of subtext in C's post. Trouble in paradise?

Civilian Overseer said...

Connie, How does the process of skating on thin ice lower the ambient temperature? Wait are you using groundless metaphor again? ;)

Constance said...

Groundless metaphor? Bah!

I often remind myself that I have set my feet on the path of peace, even though it is a hard way to walk. Especially with all the jerks tearing up my town!


Civilian Overseer said...

Connie If you're lucky, you just might hire the WTeam, An elite force, wrongfully aquitted of crimes they did actually commit. Lead by Colonel Whopper Creedon, he loves it when a plan requires big guns.

They're specialists in dejerking towns.