Friday, March 28, 2008

The 3rd Annual Whopper Awards! ***WINNERS***

And now the moment you've been waiting patiently for 24 hours for:

Best Actor In A Dramatic Role:

Ashraf Barhom
(The Kingdom)

That's right, Israeli actor Ashraf Barhom is the winner of the first coveted Whopper Award this year. In The Kingdom, portraying Colonel Faris Al Ghazi, he effortlessly out acted Oscar winners Jamie Foxx and Chris Cooper. Cooper himself incidentally was just pipped to the Whopper for his role in Breach by Barhom.

Best Actor In An Action Role:

Gerard Butler

"Tonight! We dine in HELL!"

Best Actress In A Dramatic Role:

Lena Headey

As Queen Gorgo in 300, the Spartan queen as deadly as she is beautiful; British actress Lena Headey delivered an intoxicating performance that outshone her peers in this category.

Best Actress For Just Being Hot:

Milla Jovovich (Resident Evil Extinction)

Best Supporting Actor:

Samuel L. Jackson

"It's just an evil fuckin' room!" Only the great Sam Jackson can show up in a movie for 10 minutes, grab the best line in the script and walk out with a paycheck with his head held high knowing he's sill as cool as Shaft!

Best Supporting Actress:
Lauren Holly (NCIS)

Foremost because as NCIS Director Jenny Shepard she can play a woman of power and convincingly portray someone who can keep a former USMC Gunny like Gibbs in check. Not necessarily because she's a redhead and still super hot at 44.

Best Director:
Michael Bay (Transformers)


Below is the awesome special extended edition of the "Awesome" Verizon advertisement.

Best Score:

Steve Jablonsky

"Poor is the student who cannot surpass his master" is phrase I use when a Marine shoots better than I on the rifle range. Eventually someone will come along and break the records you set or do a better job than you could ever do, especially when you train them right. In 2007 Hans Zimmer had two fantastic scores, The Simpsons Movie and Pirates Of The Caribbean: At Worlds End, the latter of which was also nominated. However even the magnificent talent borne by Zimmer paled in comparison to the range of themes and musical emotion crafted by Steve Jablonsky whose knowledge was bestowed by Zimmer himself.

Listen to some of the score samples here at

Best Dramatic Motion Picture:

The Bourne Ultimatum

Some folk may frown and call foul at the idea that a Bourne movie is a drama and you'd be right, it's more of a thriller however a chase thriller if you want to further categorise it into a sub-genre. However as it has a far more complex plot than a simplistic Action Movie (see below) and I have only three categories for best film, I'm going to lump Bourne's perfectly crafted 3rd outing into this category. Shut-up! They're my awards! I hope this is the end for Bourne as few trilogies end as perfectly as this movie.

Best Action Movie:



Special Note: I deliberately removed Transformers from the running as I have already declared it "The Greatest Movie Of The Decade", and so cannot be confined to an accolade for a single year.

Best Comedic Motion Picture:

Hot Fuzz

I preferred this to Shaun of The Dead as I prefer a Cop movie to a Zombie movie. Hot Fuzz is almost more homage than spoof and it works, it's funnier and all the better for it. Edgar Wright excellently crafted a buddy cop movie set in rural England and made it hilarious. Timothy Dalton makes a much better bad guy than a Bond, that's for sure.

Best Foreign Language Movie:

Letters From Iwo Jima

This was a hard one to pick as Days of Glory was so brilliant (and anti-french), but the second half of Clint Eastwood's spectacular Word War II masterpiece really does deserve the Whopper. Told from the perspective of the Japanese; it completes the saga begin in Flags of our Fathers as a whole entity showing both sides of the conflict in a historical context. Most impressive.

Best Television Show:

The Unit

Combining the most realistic military action scenes with what some call home-front soap-opera drama seemed like such a dumb idea to my 2IGTV Co-host Mark, that he was full sure it wouldn't last the first 13 episodes. The writers strike cut the current season short but the series stands at 34 episodes more than Mark original prediction. The series was created by David Mamet and features Denis Haysbert as Sergeant Major Jonas Blane. It's one of the few shows on television which has consistently and steadily improved with age. Long may it continue.

Best Video Game:

Neverwinter Nights 2

Even my love of John Woo or Tom Clancy couldn't topple this epic adventure from the top spot as my best gaming experience of FY07. The technical advances that have taken place in PC Gaming, and the RPG genre in particular are staggering when you compare this masterpiece to it's predecessor. I'm literally itching to play the expansion pack sitting on my shelf.

Best Special Effects:


Justs goes to show that you don't need hundreds of millions of dollars to convince someone what's on screen is real. The aerial combat here was the best I've ever seen in a movie. Top Gun is long forgotten now.

Best DVD:

Die Hard 4.0

Dialog as heard in cinema:

Dialog as heard on DVD:
"Yippie Ki-Yay MotherFUCKER"

If this happens again, I'll consider not returning to the cinema. Don't mess with a screen legend's dialog.

Special Whopper Awards go to:

300 for Best Trailer Representing a 2007 Release

Iron Man for Best Teaser Trailer of 2007

Shoot ‘Em Up for Most Glorified use of Automatic Weaponry

Smokin' Aces for Best Choreographed Automatic Weaponry scene

300 for Most Delightful Use of Edged Weaponry

30 Days Of Night for Best Gore

War for Best Martial Arts

Die Hard 4.0 for Best Pyrotechnics

Special Mentions:

28 Weeks Later for use of Helicopter Rotor Blades to chop up moving Zombies.

I Am Legend for giving me the idea of hiding an M4 in an umbrella stand.

The Worst Movie of 2007
The Invasion

Yes, there was something even worse than Spider-Man 3.

The Worst Performance of 2007
Gina Holden for Flash Gordon

She's so awful it eclipses her hotness. Seriously, watch her I dare you.

That's it until 2009 folks...

Please note the absence of Best Writing and Best Cinematography from the previous Whopper Awards is not an error; the efforts of writing were sub par this year and so do not deserve to be awarded and I haven't a fucking clue what Cinematography really is so I don't think my opinion is valid on that particular subject.

*Rules: The 3rd Whopper Awards awards the entertainment industry with a worthless accolade for producing the "best" work released from Jan 1st 2007 to Dec 31st 2007 (and for FY07 (October 1st 2006 to September 30th 2007 for the interactive entertainment industry).

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Have to say I can agree with the comments regarding Lauren Holly.

Although I'd have to admit to having a preference for Miss de Pablo.