Sunday, October 02, 2011

Advertisment leaves three dead!

A poorly conceived advertisement for a Cork city music event at a nightclub has left three dead in the wake of a UNETIDA raid on the premises on Friday morning.

The advertisement for a music event sponsored by a prominent European beer company was presented in a "wrap around" format over the real cover of the local newspaper. It presented the ad in such a way that it posed as the newspaper's headline "MIDDAY INVASION" [in the Impact font as 44mm high lettering]. It also featured a green "tractor beam" over the nightclub venue,  doctored photographs of extra-terrestrial spacecraft over the prominent Shandon landmark and testimony from a non-existent professor from a society that was invented for the purposes of the advertisement. Only a tiny message at the bottom  identifies the page as an advertisement [4mm high non-bold Times New Roman lettering].

Friday morning shoppers in Cork city were horrified to see a group of helicopters deposit two dozen armed men on the roof  and an armoured car simultaneously plough through the front doors of the ground floor of the nightclub; which by day is a small shopping arcade. Witnesses saw flashes from windows and heard small explosions and automatic weapons fire.

A UNETIDA statement later in the afternoon revealed that a Special Operations strike team was promptly dispatched to raid the venue described in the newspaper. A ground unit entered from street level while helicopters deposited a second unit the roof of the establishment where they blew in skylights and windows to gain access. The team reported that they "encountered resistance" once inside. They terminated three targets who were reported as "babbling and screaming alien language" and were disguised as cleaning staff. A fourth target was wounded and apprehended.

On Saturday, Colonel "Whopper" Creedon, Acting Director of UNETIDA Intelligence revealed that personnel, acting on the information presented in the newspaper, did perform an assault on the premises and shot and killed one Lithuanian and two Polish nationals employed by a local cleaning firm to service the establishment. He also slammed the newspaper and the European beer company for presenting the information in the manner that they did so, which he described as "grossly irresponsible". The only good thing about the ad according to Creedon "is that it covers George Hook's exceptionally ugly mug from being seen".

"UNETIDA is a fast-reaction force to this type of threat" added Creedon, "that sometimes means we don't have time to read all the way down to the samll print at the bottom of a page."


9 comments:

Civilian Overseer said...

Only three!?, by Jove, that's admirable restraint, Colonel, carry on.

sith master said...

Perhaps the 'Magnificent Handgun' wasn't fully loaded.

Civilian Overseer said...

Or perhaps it was loaded with "blanks". ;)

VAUGHAN said...

Oh god sithy why did you bring the "magnificent hand gun " up , it's replaying in my mind again and again, when I close my eyes I can still see the Colonel Laughing. ,but this latest incident Can't you see?It's all happening again!!!!!!

Constance said...

are you sure it wasn't your dancing that killed them?

Constance said...

hang on...

Sithy brought "the "magnificent hand gun UP"????

IT is replaying in Vaughan's mind?

What do you boys get up to when I'm not around??

Colonel Creedon said...

SHUT IT! you people! Or I'll never make General!

Constance said...

I might have a few photos that will ensure you don't...

Constance said...

hang on...

Is this the same Savoy where your beloved grandmother taught a very painful lesson to the Movie House Masher of Cork?