You're never too old to be Tasered! - Part 17 in my "Shoot First, Questions Never" series!

Police in a small Wyoming town used a Taser 5 times on a 76-year-old man riding an antique tractor in a parade after he allegedly disobeyed police orders and the tractor hit a car.

Retired truck driver Bud Grose of Glenrock told The AP in a telephone interview that he was OK after the incident, but is consulting with an attorney. "Yes, it hurt, but it didn't put me down or cause me any reason to go to a doctor," Grose said. "But I am 76, and I have a heart condition."

The incident occurred during the annual Deer Creek Days event in Glenrock, a town of about 2,200 residents about 20 miles east of Casper in central Wyoming. Police said Grose disobeyed their orders and the tractor hit a police car.

[Right: An example of the 1958 John Deere, Mr. Grose was driving recklessly]

Grose said the tractor was pulling a four-wheeled wagon that carried three women sitting on chairs inside and was near the end of the parade route when the incident occurred.

The Division of Criminal Investigation report said Grose disobeyed Officer Michael Kavenius' traffic command and steered around him to head toward the town park rather than the end of the parade. Kavenius told state investigators he was struck by Grose's tractor, but Grose denied hitting the officer.

The report said Kavenius then chased Grose on foot until an Officer Brown joined the pursuit in a police SUV and caught up to Grose's tractor. The police pulled in front of the tractor, which came to a stop as it bumped the SUV. That's when Kavenius shocked Grose with the Taser.

Following the incident Grose was quoted as saying "I'm probably gonna retire from parades now", so I say - lesson learned.

Iran's Second Nuke Site

By now, everyone will have heard that the whistle has been blown on Iran having a 2nd Nuke site. Apparently they blew it themselves and revealed it to everyone because they were under the impression that the site had been infiltrated by Western intelligence agencies and it's existence would be revealed at the G-20 economic summit in Pittsburgh for maximum impact.

A US official revealed Washington knew of the new Iranian nuclear facility since the Bush administration but wanted to make sure of the intelligence on the facility before revealing its existence. Most likely to avoid the backlash from acting on "non-human intel" which suggested Saddam Hussein's WMDs in Iraq. Additionally Washington was waiting for the facility to be further along in its development before making its existence known, so it would be more of a "slam dunk case." The official went on to say there were no plans to make the information known this week or even at next week's P5+1 meeting on Iran. The speculation is that when Iran became aware that the West know of the plant, they made the tactical decision to make the plant public to try and get ahead of Western adversaries.

But there did the intelligence come from....?

Well obviously the official report is highly classified but it has been referred to by a host of officials in the US while giving press statements Friday. The following lines were referred to by one anonymous individual but parts have been redacted.

... under the direction of the CIA's Special Operations Group ... team, consisting of Gunnery Sergeant Tyler, Marine Force Recon, Senior Chief Petty Officer Samuels, Navy SEAL and commanded by Lieutenant Colonel Creedon ... in total darkness ... a HALO drop into Namak Lake in the Kavir National Park, approximately 70 miles South East from target ... at 05:30 began a 4 day trek ... to minimize contact with indigenous peoples ... buried the goat shepard in the foothill ... 80 high resolution photographs and sound recordings of the ... separate routes ... Creedon made it safely to Halabjah, Iraq on the night of ... other personnel are uncertain and are missing presumed dead ...

Source: Fox News, CNN, NBC, Sky News, BBC, Wired, The Guardian

Steven Segal: Lawman

I've just learned from reading this in IGN; but apparently since filming in Louisiana 20 years ago, Steven Segal himself has been working as a fully-commissioned deputy with the Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office. In addition to going out on patrol, Seagal is an expert marksman who has worked with their SWAT team and has instructed the officers in firearms and hand-to-hand combat.

A new reality series Steven Segal: Lawman on the A&E channel, will allow us to ride shotgun with Seagal as he and his hand-selected elite team of deputies respond to crimes-in-progress. Then, when Seagal goes off-duty, the cameras will continue following him as he pursues his many ventures – including musical performances and philanthropic efforts – all over New Orleans. I swear I'm not making this up!

Seagal has never sought publicity for his work with the Sheriff's Office before now, which is why we don't know about. "I've been working as an officer in Jefferson Parish for two decades under most people's radar," said Seagal, "I've decided to work with A&E on this series now because I believe it's important to show the nation all the positive work being accomplished here in Louisiana – to see the passion and commitment that comes from the Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office in this post-Katrina environment."

Source: IGN

The A-Team is cast

It seems like Smokin' Aces director Joe Carnahan has finalised his casting choices for The A-Team movie and has begin filming...

The role of Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith played by the late George Peppard will be assumed by Liam Neeson (Star Wars Episode I & Batman Begins).

Bradley Cooper a recent breakout star appearing in The Hangover, Midnight Meat Train and Alias will assume the role of Lieutenant Templeton "Faceman" Peck, formerly played by Dirk Benedict.

Sgt. Bosco "B.A." Baracus, famously played by Mr. T. will be played now by UFC fighter Quinton "Rampage" Jackson.

As I write this, it's still in the rumoured-but-also-a-done-deal but as they've started filming, I'm going to call it and assume that District 9's Sharlto Copley will assume the mantle of Captain H.M. "Howling Mad" Murdock previously played by Dwight Schultz.

Interestingly Patrick Watchmen Wilson will play a CIA agent and Jessica Biel has been added to the cast to ensure that we'll actually give this a chance - bizarrely she appears to be cast in an ex-lover of Face role and apparently also the Army general in pursuit of them - I'm sure that's a mistake - but general or not, this Colonel will be standing to attention - Ha!!

Lucas! - I hope this isn't shit, just so Iron Man 2 wont be alone in the cinema all summer...

Get the first look at the A-Team van on Comingsoon.net

Source: Variety,IMDB, AICN, IGN

Whiteout - Frosty

What an incredible opening to a movie - It's nighttime and there's a snowstorm. A Russian transport plane is flying over Antarctica. Then there's like this shootout - an incredibly clever thing to do on a plane. Naturally the pilot is killed and the plane spectacularly crashes in the ice and snow, it's fires are soon quenched by the intense cold leaving no trace. The following scene is even better; as one of the most supremely hot women on the planet Kate Bekinsale arrives at her Antarctic base and she promptly sheds about nine layers of clothing down to an impossibly white white sports bra and panties and proceeds to remove them too and take a splendid shower which unfortunately restricts you to imagining what she's doing as the steam reacts far too quickly to the cold air obscuring our lecherous gazing. Both scenes comprise the first 10 minutes of the movie...

Sadly the rest of it is cinematic excrement.

Dear God, what a travesty of cinema. After the opening 10 minutes we're soon treated to the most dull, boring, cliched and predictable thrillers I've ever had the misfortune of seeing. At first I thought they had taken a daring step with vaguely 'film noir' style dialog, but I soon realised it was just shit writing. I think it was catering to some of the most stupid people on the planet - you know the blonde bimbo sitting behind you at the cinema who needs the movie's plot explained - well not this time Barbie, because it's practically spelled out for you here. Dialog like: "I'm in the shower", says Kate as her doctor friend [Tom Skerritt] enters her quarters to the sound of running water and endless steam - he's an M.D. I think he'd work out that for himself luv. Later Kate finds a map with big squares drawn on it like a grid with big numbers from 100-105 in each square. Big red Xs have been drawn through 100-104 and Kate points to the map now filling the entire screen: "It looks like they stopped at grid 105." Truly a master detective.

After about an hour of fuck all happening I just wanted to drift off and dream that shower scene was longer but my eyes were transfixed to the hole-filled train-wreck plot which contained about seven or eight flashbacks of increasing duration to explain the traumatic on-the-job experience that Kate had years ago to prompt her to escape to Antarctica to forget about it. Once the director has used up these flashbacks however, he starts to create flashbacks of things we saw at the beginning of the movie, including the plane crash and the dialog that practically reveals the true evil mastermind - just in case we weren't paying attention the first time we saw them just over an hour ago. Why couldn't Kate have a flashback of the fuckin' shower scene? I remember that too but I'd not object to seeing it again - from an ahem, different angle perhaps.

I did briefly nap but woke up about 10 minutes towards the end to the noise of the final fight scene between Kate, the one-dimensional Gabriel Macht [he wasn't he in a shit film already this year?] and someone I'd obviously missed the introduction of. This ended exactly as I though it would - completely unspectacularly. This left only the obligatory "shocking twist" as our heroine puts all the pieces of this painfully obvious puzzle together revealing the true culprit to this ridiculous plot.

Final Verdict: For this, I'll use the words of Sith Master, who mailed them to me earlier: "Watch the 1st 10 minutes and the trailer. Any other good bits (blood freezing underfoot, slashed throats, etc.) are interspersed with tedium. Watch the rest only you have a fetish for the lead actress."

Colonel Creedon Rating: *
[because I can't give ***** for the just first 10 minutes]

Official Site / IMDB / Wikipedia

Neverwinter Nights 2: Mask Of The Betrayer - Review

Obsidian’s first expansion to Neverwinter Nights 2, itself the sequel to one of the most beloved RPGs of the decade is entitled Mask Of The Betrayer. The expansion adds on about 20 hours or so to the 40 hour strong original campaign both continuing and bringing a closure to your main character’s adventure. Now I had high hopes for this as I had not played Bioware’s expansions for the original Neverwinter Nights and as I had never experienced playing a character beyond level 20 [even in PnP D&D], this was a somewhat exciting departure.

The story and progression were for the most part, the usual standard. The main quest is to determine the nature of a curse you were inflicted with. Two areas of Faerûn's "Unapproachable East" are the setting for the game, inhabited by many spirits and feature many tears in the veils between the material plane and that of the shadow-realm. Rashemen and Thay are areas oft cited in D&D lore but never visited in a video game before. All I really knew of Rashemen was that the Baldur’s Gate character Minsc hailed from within it’s borders and Thay was the realm of the Red Wizards. As such, this became a refreshing change of pace from the Sword Coast, which has been the subject of practically all the D&D based RPG games I've played.

You can play the same character you played in the original campaign or create a new one for MOTB. Playing the same character does have a few benefits, obviously you are well used to your abilities and feats but also you bring whatever you were wearing when you export your original character [right before you kill the King Of Shadows at the end of the original campaign] so any rings, amulets, cloaks, helmets, footwear, robes or armour remain part of your character from the outset of your new adventure. You loose all weapons as well as all the crap in your inventory, but that's a good thing in my opinion as after 40 hours you've collected far to much shite, that you really don't need. In fairness you’ll obtain items that make those former possessions seem like child’s toys soon enough as the level cap is now 30 [up from 20] and you’ll gain equipment commensurate with this level or perhaps fashion your own epic items before long. While it will affect only the most immersed players of this RPG, the crafting system has been completely overhauled. One good thing is that you can now craft on the fly without needing a specific workbench. However the magical components of the equipment you can create are “essences” dropped by fallen foes, so you have to collect dozens of essences of Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, Power or Spirit to imbue your equipment with any worthwhile power and this can often turn the joy of crafting into a tedious chore, but it is worth it to have an in-game crafted weapon like “Karadon’s +5 Burning Frost Sword of Justice.”

It’s important to note that this expansion is significantly darker in tone than the original. There is little comedy relief and the story is deeply personal and introspective, concerning mainly only you and your place in the word as opposed to your influence upon the world as a greater whole and so is quite different to what has come before in that regard. What’s more distressing is that before long you’ll become afflicted with “The Curse of the Betrayer” [which would have been a far more apt title for this expansion. This curse is a frustratingly annoying “enhancement” to your character but it’s an integral part of the story, so I don’t want to spoil it for you. However the way it was implemented was ridiculous. I don’t mind telling you that I hacked the game to eliminate the negative effects of this additional ability because if I didn’t or couldn’t do it, I wouldn’t have bothered to continue playing. On a level that wouldn’t affect everyone: whatever about other characters, a supremely heroic, selfless, holy Paladin would not have used this ability as the game intended. Had this happened in a P&P game, I’d have sacrificed myself for the first noble cause I’d have found, even a charity cake-sale, rather than be subjected to performing the curse's "acts". However, the curse is part of the storyline so it does have a place and once you understand what has to be done in the game word it all comes together, but there has been other ways where an “affliction” had been implemented if they studied Baldur’s Gate 2’s Throne of Bhall expansion more closely.

As this was an expansion developed by the same folks as the original, albeit a different creative team, I was expecting to have companions as entertaining, vibrant, resourceful and worthy as those of the original campaign like Khelgar and Sand, but the cretins you’re landed with here are appallingly dull by comparison. Okku, a large fey bear-spirit proving the most interesting with regards to both personal development and ability to aid you. Should you play “darkside” you won’t have Okku for long but One Of Many - needless to say I never met him in my adventure. From the beginning you’re teamed up with Safiya a Red Wizard of Thay who is integral to the plot [or at least my choices] and an epic-level magic user came in always handy when you’re a magically deficient Paladin. Safiya has an almost permanently summoned Mephit[?] who acts as your rogue, and he is capable enough to pick most locks and disarm traps until the high more difficult obstacles but both are uninteresting and I doubt I’d have mourned their loss if suitable replacements were available unlike the attachments and bonds between the original campaign characters like Elanee and Neeshka. That said the companions now contain a sense of accountability with players as if you treated them well and if the agree with your actions, the will bestow certain benefits, such as bonuses in combat. On the flip side, treat them like shit and I understand they will become uncooperative and may even abandon you.

The game engine has been tweaked and it now allows two new camera angles. The first is a "3rd Person" over-the-shoulder camera where the mouse and keyboard control movement and the camera follows the view point of the controlled character. The second is an RTS style camera view, which allows you to zoom out and control the characters as though they were units (using shift-click, dragging boxes, etc). The game suffered from it’s ability to “forget” what view it was using every now and again but it wasn’t too hard to control once you got the hang of it. There has been quite a few graphical enhancements but the frame rate holds up, even during graphically intense battles where spell effects are everywhere on the screen. Many of the amazing spell effects of the original have been made even more spectacular. What is problematic with his however is that dozens of spells may be thrown around on screen at once with explosively bright coloured effects that can all but obscure everything on screen making it tremendously difficult to ascertain who is who or where your enemy is unless you manage to select them before the fireworks. But that’s a minor niggle.

In addition to patching the original game, the features of MotB will integrate themselves into the character creation and progression tables allowing you to create characters benefiting from the additional races [e.g. Half Drow, or Genasi], classes like spirit shamen and new feats and spells while playing the original Neverwinter Nights 2. I will also say the ante has been upped in the sound department too especially in the music department with a dark, haunting and magnificently thematic score by Alexander Brandon.

All in all Mask Of The Betrayer is extremely impressive for an mere expansion pack offering twice as much gameplay as you'd find in most full games out there. I felt my took a step forwards into the unknown, became an epic hero and my character is well on his way to becoming a god. Something that is unlikely to be realised in game terms but it's nice to know he will continue on in spirit. While initially upset that, being somewhat materialistic, that I lost my land, fortress, possessions, woman and money [not necessarily in that order] from the original campaign and so was no longer in complete control of my life or administrating the “big picture” of the character’s influence upon the game world; I did on the other hand get “noticed” by the Gods - So maybe that’s the ultimate progression here.

Final Verdict: Very polished with some impressive engine and welcome control enhancements, interesting and suitably epic plot but saddled with woeful characterisation of companions and annoying “curse.” You'll feel like a legendary hero all the way through beating enemies and obstacles you once would have ran from, the battles are a lot tougher, and there are also challenging puzzles to solve but the rewards are greater, not least of which is some mighty fine gaming.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ****

Supermarket Empire Strikes Back against Jedi!!!

Jedi Masters Morda and Jonba Hehol address some of their Welsh Jedi followers

Jedi Master Morda Hehol brother of Master Jonba Hehol, assaulted in March 2008, and the founder of the International Church of Jediism, which has 500,000 followers worldwide was thrown out of a Tesco supermarket in Bangor, North Wales for refusing to remove his Jedi hood which flouted store security rules. Dan Jones [Master Hehol's birth name] claims he has been "victimised over his beliefs" and left "emotionally humiliated" by the supermarket. "It states in our Jedi doctrination that I can wear headwear. It just covers the back of my head," he said. "You have a choice of wearing headwear in your home or at work but you have to wear a cover for your head when you are in public."

Jones said he'd gone to the store to buy something to eat during his lunch-break when staff surrounded him and ordered him to the checkout where they demanded that he remove the offending hood or leave the store. "I said "No, its part of my religious right." I gave them a Jedi church business card," he said. Jones has made an official complaint to Tesco, is considering a boycott of the store and is seeking legal advice.

A Tesco spokesperson objected: "He hasn't been banned. Jedi are very welcome to shop in our stores although we would ask them to remove their hoods. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Luke Skywalker all appeared hoodless without ever going over to the Dark Side. If Jedi walk around our stores with their hoods on, they'll miss lots of special offers."

[Right: Only one of these headdress' is a "security risk"!]

So it begs the question if Tesco in Wales don't allow Jedi hoods - why do they allow wogs wear burqa which are the proven headdress of terrorists!!! Who bestowed the power on Tesco of all people to dictate what is a real religion and what is not? There are reported to be half a million Jedi worldwide, so numerical adherence cannot be the criterion upon which Tesco makes its judgement about legitimacy. Jedi possess a ‘church’ and a creed, they adhere to doctrine and submit to their interpretation of the ‘Force’.

Now while I do accept that it's fabricated nonsense that practicers of the Jedi religion "must wear a hood up in any public place of a large audience;" as a "symbolism of your faith," -they're making that shit up - actually pretty much like the practicers of the hokey "Muslim" religion often change their doctrine to suit their mood at any given time and many of whom use it to commit obscene atrocities in the name of Allah.

Jediism is no more ridiculous than any other religion or belief. According to the last census, Jedi outnumber Sikhs who also wear headdress. Tesco's comeback to the Jedi was excellent, but I seriously doubt if they'd would be making Allah jokes if it was a Muslim in a hijab?

Source: Civilian Overseer, The Daily Telegraph, The Daily Mail, The Sun

Could Eurovision Voting Be Treasonous?

The organisers of the increasingly irrelevant and ultimatly camp Eurovision Song Contest have threatened to bring broadcasting sanctions against TV networks if they disclose information about the contest's voters' identities.

This shocking news follows reports that a number of people in Azerbaijan were interrogated by police after voting for a song by neighbouring Armenia [with whom Azerbaijan had conflicted with over the disputed Nagorno-Karabakh region in the 1990s] in this year's contest. One such person told the BBC he had been accused of being unpatriotic and a "potential security threat", after he sent a text backing Armenia's song, Jan Jan.

Telecoms companies had previously been responsible for protecting voters' details, but now broadcasters will shoulder the burden as the European Broadcasting Union (EBU) does not have the ability to penalise telephone companies, "for any disclosure of information which could be used to identify voters". The EBU's director general, Jean Reveillon, said violating the privacy of voters "or interrogation of individuals... is totally unacceptable". Banning a broadcaster would effectively stop a country from being able to take part.

Norway's Alexander Rybak won the contest this year, smashing the record for the most points awarded during the competition with 387.

Alexander Rybak (left) not to be confused with Casey "Fuckin'" Rybak (right).

Source: BBC News, Vaughan

Obama scraps Bush's European Missile Defence Plan

President Obama is overhauling President Bush's plan for a missile defense shield in Europe, based partly on an "updated intelligence assessment" of Iran's offensive capabilities and replaced it with a new system. Obama said "new missile defense architecture in Europe ... will provide capabilities sooner, build on proven systems and offer greater defenses against the threat of missile attack" than the program that Bush proposed. The Islamic republic's "short- and medium-range" missiles pose the most current threat, he said, and "this new ballistic missile defense will best address" that threat.

U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates, speaking from the Pentagon immediately after the president's announcement, denied the United States was "scrapping" missile defense. "This new approach provides a better missile defense capability for our forces in Europe, for our European allies and eventually for our homeland than the program I recommended almost three years ago." Gates said. The new system will have "hundreds" of missile interceptors.

Left: SECDEF Robert Gates. Right: General James Cartwright, VCJCOS

It also will have mobile radars, including some in space, "that can move to wherever the threat actually emanates and wherever we feel we need to defend ourselves," said Gen. James Cartwright, deputy chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. He contrasted the new sensor technology with the radar systems envisioned in the old plan, which he called "basically left over from the Cold War." The new plan includes three types of missiles to shoot down incoming threats -- Patriot missiles, which defend a single location; SM-3 interceptors, which he said could protect "a general area like the area from Philadelphia to Washington, D.C."; and large ground-based interceptors in Alaska and California. The first phase of the system is due to be in place in 2011, with the subsequent phases rolling out around 2015, 2018 and 2020. "It's a more advanced system, more cost-effective and efficient," the Marine general said.

Elements of the new plan are extremely familiar to those that were made aware of the United Nations Extra-Terrestrial Invasion Defence Agency's 2005 "Alien Mothership Deterrent Initiative" proposed by Colonel "Whopper" Creedon who was then the Extra-Terrestial Encounters Advisor to the Bush White House, now UNETIDA's Special Operations Commander who was unavailable for comment today. Other UNETIDA personnel were on hand however:

"A volley of multi-kinetic neutronic mines will solve most of your hostile encounter problems" said Captain "Harpoon" Dutton KBE, Commander, UNETIDA Naval Tactical Support (CUNTS) "but I'm a big fan of serious missile power too. It pleases me that we'll be getting more of them."

Brigadier General “Ballista” Jackson, UNETIDA Missile Defence Commander [Northern] said "The system that President Bush proposed would have deployed interceptors that had yet to be tested in real conditions to defend against ICBMs that Iran has yet to develop. They'd have been useless against the technology that we know Iran does have. The new plan make more sense short term, then we worry about long term threats once that's in place." When asked if Obama's plan was in fact related to Creedon's 2005 proposal he responded. "It's a more advanced system, more cost-effective and efficient plus we will now have hundreds of missiles at our command rather than just 10! Does that sound like a Colonel Creedon plan to you?"

Sources: Fox News, US DoD, CNN

New Pacific Trailer

A new trailer for the Steven Spielberg & Tom Hanks epic, The Pacific has been released...

Fookin' Hell: District 9's an Explosive Prawn Cocktail!

If you examine the very best science fiction stories you’ll see they are in fact allegories for world events, problems and atrocities that have been brought to light in a manner that’s appealing because they’re wrapped up in the visual spectacle of the sci-fi genre. Lets face it; unless ythey're a pretentious Oscar-chasing director that also has some measure of talent, ythey're not going to be able to effectively get their message across to the audience without disguising it. However if they're a director who has Peter Lord Of The Rings Jackson and the Weta workshop behind you, then you may as well craft a controversial tale of racial intolerance and human rights abuse using highly impressive special effects, Aliens, gunfire and explosives.

District 9 is one of the few high-profile movies I’ve seen in a while that is not a sequel, a remake or an adaptation from some other medium, and that brings a virgin freshness as well as both the excitement and the interpretation from not knowing what to really expect. From brief hearsay and the usual internet mumblings all I was expecting from this was at best - a morality tale of racial intolerance where humans would most likely be depicted as the baddies. Now this is indeed to some extent what the first half of the movie alludes to; but then all hell breaks loose and it becomes an ‘80’s balls-out action-movie! I shit you not people, the set up may be a little tedious, but when the action starts and the lead begins flying - punctuated with only the most necessary of explosions, you’ve got little time to breath between digesting the action and trying to subconsciously remember where you’ve seen these scenarios before. Terminator 2, Lethal Weapon, Total Recall, Aliens and Black Hawk Down are things that came to mind here, but for anyone who loves Robocop, this is a real treat. Substitute apartheid for fascism and you'll quiclky see the similarities of corporate corruption, satire and the small cog in the machine that looses his humanity and becomes an uncompromising fighting machine.

This is a flawed gem however. While the effects are astounding expecially those of the Aliens [the prawns] and the action superb, there are alas a number of serious problems. One is that despite some excellent acting talent; all of the characters, including the main protagonist are complete assholes. I’ can't recall seeing such an unlikeable group anywhere. The main character, Wikus Van De Merwe says “fook” a lot [much like people from Dublin actually] due to his South African accent, but as this is his only likeable trait, it’s difficult to empathise with him once he becomes infected, as by then we’ve already seen him burn unborn aliens in their eggs which "sounds like popcorn" and he doesn’t redeem himself much for the remainder of the movie. The other major issue refers to the Aliens use of their highly-advanced super-powerful weapons and technology - but you'll just have to see the movie to know why this is a problem.

The documentary-style direction of former digital effects animator Neill Blomkamp compliments Trent Opaloch's photragraphy and they treat the subject matter perfectly. There is some exceptional acting from the completly unknown cast, led by Sharlto Copley which just goes to show that if you have a competant casting director and have the balls to take a chance on someone, you can shave off several million dollars from the price-tag and pour it into SFX and pyrotechnics! Another chance was taken on a reletivly unknown Canadian composer Clinton Shorter whose only body of work was television and DTV movies and he provided one of the most remarkable and unique scores of the year. I sure hope Peter Jackson has many more friends like Blomkamp whom he'll help make great movies like this.

Colonel Creedon Rating: ****1/2

Official Site / IMDB / Wikipedia

Stallone's been taking LSD with his Steroids

Sylvester Stallone has revealed to AICN, the true plot line to Rambo 5 and it's most certainly not what Variety published recently...

So basically, Stallone is abandoning the quasi-realistic setting of a clinically disturbed Vietnam vet surviving in the world which made the character what he is and is doing his version of John Carpenter's The Thing melded with a story from G.I.Joe: Frontline.

This is insanity of the highest order and probably the riskiest move a studio could take with an established character that they don't intend to push straight to DVD.

Hell, it just might work...

Source: AICN

War is a Drug. Get addicted with The Hurt Locker

I don’t watch The Colbert Report for Sir Steven’s glowing movie reviews, but I do remember Kathryn Bigelow being on a few weeks back. I recall her as director for Point Break, a classic but ultimately unfulfilling movie and the far more substantial tale of K-19: The Widowmaker. Colbert interviewed her in his usual manner, questioning her ability as a woman to direct what is essentially a guys action movie. Ultimately however through her description of the movie and the clip that was shown – I was sold once I saw the quality of the explosions and I was hoping it wasn’t going to be another whining liberal tirade as a lot of these movies tend to be.

The Hurt Locker is purely about the mentality of the soldiers with one of the most unenviable duties in the world – Explosive Ordnance Disposal [EOD]. Are they just ice-cool or raving lunatics? Well this movie is well written, acted and directed enough for you to make up your own mind.

Jeremy Renner [28 Weeks Later, S.W.A.T.] plays Staff Sergeant William James, team leader and EOD technician who arrives to command Bravo Company for it's final 39 days before they're rotated out. The team consists of himself and his two subordinates, Sergeant J.T. Sanborn [Anthony Mackie of Eagle Eye and The Manchurian Candidate] and Specialist Owen Eldridge [Brian Geraghty] and they quickly learn that Jones is a reckless maverick that will most likely get them killed. These three powerful flawless performers head a cast that was enhanced by actual Iraqi refugees in Jordan and included cameo appearances from Guy Pearce, Ralph Fiennes and the most excellent David Morse as Colonel Reed delivering an exceptional performance that’s one of the many highlights of the movie.

The movie is not without faults; one obvious issue would be that blood would not stop the operation of an M82A1 Barrett sniper rifle. Then there was the complete lack of backup for the EOD team whole driving around Baghdad when in reality there'd be a quick reaction force of three or more Humvees with associated personnel. Bigelow's final mistake was framing her picture in 2004, which predates the iPod touch, YouTube, the Xbox 360 & Gears of War as well as more obviously the ACU [Army Combat Uniform] which did not begin fielding until February 2005 but all feature in this movie. Admittedly, these wouldn't be picked up by everyone but they were enough to tarnish my personal experience ever so slightly.

Issues aside, I exited this movie's cinema on Saturday with hope, a hope that more movies can be made to this standard, where neither left nor right wing agendas are forced upon an audience that just doesn't give a shit about policy, they just want to see a good movie as do I at the end of the day. Bigelow has captured the essence of war flawlessly, utilising the camera work of Barry Ackroyd [The Wind That Shakes the Barley] from a script by Mark Boal who wrote the movie after he himself was embedded as a journalist with the real EOD teams. The tension is sharp, the violence visceral and the few moments of gore are shockingly authentic. This is a movie that will be remembered with Black Hawk Down, Saving Private Ryan and Full Metal Jacket.

Final Verdict: The Hurt Locker is thus far, the greatest film made about the war in Iraq.

Colonel Creedon Rating: *****

Official Site / IMDB / Wikipedia

Make Mine Disney?

At time of writing, I've received 15 messages, texts, E-mails and phone calls from people in a blind panic. This is much bigger news than the death of that black or white child molesting freak during the summer!!! This is real big.

Disney have just bought Marvel Comics for $4bn.

It's not hard to see why. Disney have everything from Cinderella in Animation, High School Musical on film, Hanna Montana on TV and toys that appeal to kids of all ages - but I daresay most of them girls. Yes, it's all girls crap! Disney are a company who must plunder both genders of children but apart from Toy Story, Cars and most recently G-Force almost everything else is spurned by the mighty male. Action was required to corner the entire male demographic in one fell swoop and they've done it. Marvel Entertainment, bastion of testosterone in the form of Hulk, Wolverine and The Punisher to name but a few of their some 5000 characters are all to be owned by the House of Mouse.

All sorts of things could come from this, some are good and some are bad. On the plus side, we have Disney's Pixar, masters of CG animation; imagine what would happen if they turned their attention away from their usual nonsense [Dreamworks are beginning to pwn them on that level anyway] and create a load of awesome Marvel Comics productions. Whatever they are I'm sure they'll look a damn sight more impressive than the animation Marvel is producing at the moment.

On the downside, well, I thought of this image on my way home today and I've just recreated it for you...
More when I know it.

Zombies: "Hit them hard and hit them often" says report

It appears that the BBC is finally taking the Zombie threat more seriously than most. Researches in Canada published a scientific paper within a book entitled Infectious Diseases Modelling Research Progress. There, they theorise a zombie "plague" resembles a lethal, rapidly spreading infection. The researchers say the exercise could help scientists model the spread of unfamiliar diseases through human populations. They say only frequent counter-attacks with increasing force would eradicate the zombies and conclude that humanity's only hope is to "hit them [the undead] hard and hit them often". They added: "It's imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly or else... we are all in a great deal of trouble."

"This is exactly the advice that governments should be getting", said Colonel "Whopper" Creedon of UNETIDA [the United Nations Extra Terrestrial Invasion Defence Agency]. "The analysis contained in this book reveals that a strategy of capturing or curing the zombies or some other namby-pamby wishy-washy nonsense would only put off the inevitable - that we must eradicate the threat instantly, without any form of consensus or consultation with scientists or government. The military should have a mandate to neutralise this threat decisively as soon as it manifests itself without any civilian oversight - after all is it not those civilians who could be turned into Zombies themselves..."

Creedon went on to say UNPASID [the United Nations Paranormal and Supernatural Interdiction Directorate] of which counter-zombie defence is part of it's mission, has barely 20% of the funding that UNETIDA has "yet it's arguably just as likely that the planet will find itself under threat from the Zompocalypse than an Extra-Terrestrial invasion." He concluded by pleading that "funding must be addressed to equip world forces for issues pertaining to the undead."

Be sure to read the BBC's full report here.

The Kennedy Era is over - Edward Kennedy 1932-2009

For over a generation there has been a Kennedy at the forefront of of US Politics but sadly yesterday that era came to an end with the passing of Sen. Edward "Ted" Kennedy 77, from a brain tumour.

Like many conservatives, I regarded most* of his political views with utter disdain, and so I find it hard to discuss my true feelings about the "Liberal Lion" of the Senate. That said; despite his backward views, a multitude of personal tragedies and questionable transgressions, I recognise his status as a political icon. I'm positive that he will be missed and remembered not only in the US but here in Ireland too.

In 2006, Time magazine named him as one of America's "Ten Best Senators", saying that he had "amassed a titanic record of legislation affecting the lives of virtually every man, woman and child in the country" but as far as this island goes he will be remembered as both the madman who staunchly supported Irish Republicanism in the 70's, once calling for British troops to leave Northern Ireland, but more recently, one of the political heroes of the peace process leading to the Good Friday Agreement in 1998.

[Left: Bertie Anern and Ted Kennedy, Capitol Hill March 15th 2007]

One of our own prominent politicians Micheál Martin TD said today: "He knew and loved Ireland - it's people, it's music and its culture. As the embodiment of the Irish immigrant story, his special dedication to the peace process was unrivalled and deeply held." Tributes were also seen and heard from An Taoiseach Brian Cowan, former foreign affairs minister Peter Barry and Ambassador Dan Rooney but it was the words of our greatest living former leader Bertie Ahern that resonate most: "it is Ted Kennedy’s great achievement that his own life transcended tragedy and not only emulated but surpassed the achievement of his brothers who he revered. The causes, for which he stood, civil rights, health care, immigrant workers and Ireland, are all immensely endowed because of the decades of unstinting effort, political skill and campaigning zeal which he dedicated his life to."

Sen. Kennedy will lie in repose Thursday and Friday at the John F. Kennedy Presidential Library and Museum in Boston and will be buried Saturday near his brothers at Arlington National Cemetery, Arlington Va.

*Despite his opposition to the war, I agreed with for example: his 2005 legislation that sped up production and procurement of uparmored Humvees

Not off the hook yet!

After months of consideration, Attorney General Eric Holder plans to appoint a special prosecutor to examine allegations that terror suspects were abused at the hands of their CIA interrogators. The decision, comes as the Department of Justice releases a 2004 report from the CIA's inspector general detailing allegations of harsh interrogation practices. The report includes claims that interrogators threatened at least one prisoner with a power drill and also conducted mock executions to scare detainees.

The move would reverse the policy of the Bush administration and could expose CIA employees and agency contractors to criminal prosecution for the alleged mistreatment of terror suspects in the years after the Sept. 11 attacks. President Obama signed off on setting up a special interrogation team that would be placed at the FBI but report directly to the White House-based National Security Council.

Though such work typically falls to the CIA, one senior U.S. official told FOX News that the CIA did not want to house the new initiative. "They're glad to be out of the long-term detention business," the official said. The unit's structure would depart significantly from such work under the Bush administration, when the CIA had the lead and sometimes exclusive role in questioning Al Qaeda suspects.

Hrrrmph! I thought that Obama said that he wanted this issue left in the past? Now I have to get rid of perfectly good power tools...

Source: Fox News

So THIS is what Cameron's been up to:

James Cameron is one of my favourite directors, he made some pretty good stuff since carving his name indelibly into cinematic history with The Terminator in 1984. Following that success, he delivered a new flawless 5-Star movie every 2 or 3 years with Aliens ['86], The Abyss ['89], Terminator 2: Judgement Day ['91] and completed his phenomenal run with True Lies ['94]. Like many other directors he's been "off the rails" for a few years - following the nonsensical yet commercially successful Titanic in '97 Cameron went all Jacques Cousteau with an IMAX camera and made some documentaries. So basically for the past 15 years Cameron has put nothing worthwhile on the silver screen.

But if this is anything to go by, I think the man may have finally returned...

http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox/avatar/

Unglorious Basterds

No, that's not a spelling error, it's just my incredibly clever way of saying that this movie fell a bit short of the mark. Now I don't consider myself to be a true Quentin Tarantino fan. I like Pulp Fiction very much [it’s on my DVD shelf behind me] but not really Reservoir Dogs or Jackie Brown, not bad movies, just not “me”. The man is arguably a better writer when he's not directing as I love True Romance and From Dusk Till Dawn [both also on my DVD shelf behind me]. However Tarantino’s contribution to cinema has been less then stellar this decade. 2003’s Kill Bill Vol.1, superior to its 2nd half the following year was his last truly great work. Following that, he wasted time directing episodes of ER, a scene in Robert Rodriguez’ Sin City and produced the irredeemably shit Death Proof. A lot of hope was therefore pinned on the Inglorious Basterds.

In development for what seemed like an eternity, Inglorious Basterds conjured up images of an modernly ultra-violent Dirty Dozen remake filled with Tarantino’s dark humour and snappy dialog and the Basterds themselves fighting and killing thousands of Nazis in pitched battles on their way to their glory – basically better than Viagra for war-nuts. Well that’s not what we got… The movie opened with what should be heralded as one of the greatest war-movie scenes in history. It’s a simple conversation between a French dairy farmer and SS Colonel Hans Landa over glasses of milk concerning the whereabouts of the farmer’s Jewish neighbours. The raw tension of this 20 minute scene is stunning and the dialog is superior to any of Tarantino’s “café” scenes in Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs where the characters are in deep philosophical conversation. Sadly as soon as this is over, the whole fuckin’ thing falls completely apart and degenerates into something ultimately unworthy of it’s magnificent opening.

I will say at times, the dialog is sharp and as witty as Tarantino usually produces. The humour and violence he infuses into his movies is present here but sadly not in the abundance we’ve come to expect from the man. There are sparsely few genuinely amusing moments involving the Basterds' attempts at Italian but Mike Myers' General Fenech would have been more at home in an Austin Powers piss-take movie [yes I don’t mean even a real Austin movie – they’re actually good] where he plays all of the characters alongside multiple Eddie Murphy’s or some equally stupid crap – here it’s just stupid.

Of huge disappointment is that only 50% of the movie is focused on Lt. Aldo Raine [Brad Pitt] and his men – the other half is a completely unconnected but nonetheless intense revenge tale with Mélanie Laurent’s character Shosanna, who is determined to kill the Nazis who murdered her family. Now in the hands of a ‘serious’ director, this story of ultimate revenge would be outstanding, a film in itself; I think I’d even be happy with Tarantino directing it himself provided he’d film it like the aforementioned first 20 minutes of this movie. Sadly this is completely wasted here as part of Tarantino’s WW2 wet-dream with Mike Myers' over-acting, stereotypical hammy villains and other such inappropriate elements which don’t meld.

The characters in this movie were a mixed bag of either excellence or “why have this character even in this movie?” Til King Arthur, The Replacement Killers Schweiger’s Sgt. Stiglitz [pictured right] character would be in the former group and easily my favourite Basterd. A defector from the Nazis he joined the lads in country after they saved him from a death sentence. The aforementioned villain Col. Landa "The Jew Hunter” began as a sublimely evil and reprehensible SS officer, but he soon degenerated from a cold calculating detective into a parody of himself and finished the movie as a sad excuse for a hammy sub-standard Bond villain. Don’t get me started on Rod Taylor’s appearance as Winston Churchill: Why? Dear sweet Lucas why?

A mention must be paid however to Eli Roth, director of Hostel as Sgt. Donny Donowitz “The Bear Jew.” His was a wonderful performance and was the highlight of two of the movie's most intensely blood-soaked scenes: one where he beats a Nazi’s head to a pulp with a baseball bat and later empties an MP40 sub-machine gun into another’s face. Which brings me to the point that the instances of violence here earned this movie a full star. Other than Roth’s scenes, we see some splendid throat slitting, swastikas being carved into foreheads and some Native American style scalping which was really quite exquisite. Sadly, these brief albeit beautifully filmed moments of violence are too infrequent and spread out over the movie’s over-long running time resulting in unnecessary boredom on the part of the audience, without even so much as the tension of the opening scene to punctuate them.

Tarantino pretentiously doesn’t believe that anyone can score one of his movies because it's like someone "interfering with his vision", or so he says, which is why he chooses pre-existing music and songs when putting a soundtrack to his movies. Inglorious Basterds is no different, the soundtrack here consists of many cues written by veteran composer Ennio Morricone which were in fact written for now long-forgotten Spaghetti Westerns and also bizarrely mixed in is a track by David Bowie. The former does work somewhat with the visuals on screen, the latter however is a harsh reminder that you’re watching a total fucking mess anyway, so why not Bowie in WW2? Wibble!

If I was to excavate for a meaning to this movie, I'd have to say that Tarantino was trying to tell us how dangerous film can be - not just the old nitrate film which we discover [through misplaced narration by Samuel L. Jackson, before witnessing for ourselves] is highly flammable - but the medium of film itself is dangerous as witnessed through the disastrous consequences, both physically and emotionally that Basterds' premier of Nazi propaganda movie "A Nation's Pride" had. Of such ironic pity however is the fact that Tarantino did not take his own advice and has made a movie that will no doubt be loved by the increasingly underdeveloped minds of the worlds youth who will believe that this is - if not "based on a true story" will believe that it's completely true. Sigh, I can just imagine the history essays now...

Final Verdict: Was I expecting too much from this? I think not, I wanted something from the man who made Pulp Fiction, even the man who wrote True Romance. But what I got was the latest movie from the director of Death Proof. Alas Basterds is not the comeback movie everyone hoped it would be and Tarantino ends this decade with nothing more than a feint whimpering homage to his Spaghetti Western and War movie collection which is likely to offend those that survived the harrowing conflict of World War II. Nice one Quentin!

Colonel Creedon Rating: **

Official Site / IMDB /Wikipedia