Monday, March 07, 2011

“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”

Carlos Irwin Estevez better known to the world as Charlie Sheen, a man who has a star on the Walk of Fame, has been a household name since his early appearances in such '80's movies as Red Dawn, Platoon and Wall Street. In the '90's he took on more questionable roles in Navy SEALs, The Rookie and The Three Musketeers but mastered comedy as Topper Harley in the Hot Shots! movies. At the turn of the century Sheen stepped onto the small screen and won an Emmy when he replaced Michael J. Fox on Spin City before becoming the highest paid actor on television on Two and a Half Men.

Sheen has never been presumed to be a saint. He has shot Kelly Preston, has dated porn stars, has OD'd on cocaine and had such a bitter divorce with Denise Richards that he made Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger look like a happily married couple. However recently things have taken a such a turn for the worst and despite my declaration that I'd no longer pay attention to celebrity gossip after wasting so much time on Paris Hilton and Tom Sizemore, I really feel it's necessary to address the worlds newest "Warlock" Charlie Sheen because it appears he has now completely lost it.

“The nights I don’t sleep it’s because there’s a higher calling telling me to stand guard.”

A couple of weeks ago, CBS shut down production on Two and a Half Men so Sheen could attend rehab after making headlines with a particularly out-of-control party, but Sheen was having none of it and said in an open letter:

What does this say about Haim Levine [show creator Chuck Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows ... I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.

Remember these are my people ... not yours...we will continue on together...

..and yes, you read all that right. Later Sheen challenged Lorre to a fight and "if he wins, then he can leave MY show." He said he entered at-home rehab and that he is "100 percent" clean. "Here is your first pee test," he said to radio host Alex Jones, adding the "next one goes in your mouth. No, you won't get high." Sheen also spoke out against Alcoholics Anonymous calling them a "bootleg cult" with a success rate of 5 percent. "I am special and I will never be one of you... I have a disease? Bulls***. I cured it ... with my mind."

"Duh, winning! It's, like, guys, IMDB right there, 62 movies and a ton of success. I mean, c'mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn't even trying. I wasn't even warm."

On Good Morning America, Sheen called his life: "perfect. It's awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books,” he said. “We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it's scary. People say it's lonely at the top, but I sure like the view."

Sheen wasn't happy that none off his sitcom co-stars spoke up to defend him and added: "I'm not trying to embarrass you or ruin your jobs or ruin the show. It would be nice if there was some measure of support though -- from anybody. Anybody. That's all right. Every great movement begins with one man and I guess that's me."

It's little wonder that at that point Sheen’s longtime publicist Stan Rosenfield had enough and quit. "I have worked with Charlie Sheen for a long time and I care about him very much,” Rosenfield told Us Weekly. “However, at this time, I’m unable to work effectively as his publicist and have respectfully resigned.”

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

His father Martin Sheen told the media that he was praying for him and asked all this friends whom his son would listen to, to to help him but some sage advice came from the possibly equally mentally disturbed actor Gary Busey: "Charlie's got to understand what the truth is. The beautiful thing about the truth is that it requires no questions." While it's just as insane as Sheen's rambling and about as useful to him as a handle on a snowball; let it not be misunderstood how bad things are when Gary Busey is offering you advice.

On drugs, Charlie Sheen said: "I just don't do it. I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren't special. People who don't have tiger blood and Adonis DNA. The last time I took drugs I probably took more that anyone could survive. I was banging seven gram rocks because that’s how I roll, I have one speed, go. I'm different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying's for fools, dying's for amateurs.”

I'll give him until July...

Sources: ABC, FOX,CNN, MSNBC, TMZ and dozens of random sources - Sheen is everywhere -a Warlock with Tiger Blood!!!!!

16 comments:

Civilian Overseer said...

Well Colonel, if anyone has the necessary experience of hard partying to accurately predicate when the wheels are going to come off this particular train wreck its you.

I remember when redacted in national security interests, they where quite upset and then you redacted in national security interests. Heehee, those where the days. ;)

vaughan said...

What I love about Charlie "the Machine" Sheen is that Warner bros only fired him....last night!!! it took this long to do it....this mess has been going on since Christmas 2009 when he assaulted his wife...and it's only yesterday they decide "yeah enoughs enough"
What makes me angry that looking at that first photo Sheen's been obviously reading the Colonels blackflagged Autobiography and been using quotes without the colonels permission...how low can the man...or warlock go?

Constance said...

I know how Sheen feels. From this moment forward, I too will stop pretending I am not a total rock star who is not CRUSHING IT! every day. You know Rob Lowe's character in Parks and Recreation? That's me.

Civilian Overseer said...

Connie!, I go through all this trouble to bring it each and everyday and here you are crushing it everyday.

What I want to know is, who is going to tidy it?, Well?

Civilian Overseer said...

Connie, I forgot to add, you know Alec Baldwin's character in 30Rock?, that's me.

Constance said...

Well that's too bad, because my alter ego is Liz Lemon.

Civilian Overseer said...

In that case, shoulders back Connie, you're not greeting guests se castle Frankenstein now. ;)

Constance said...

Thanks for the encouragement, "Skivvy." I will now proceed to go out and CRUSH IT!

Maybe you should name the baby Colleen Constance?

Constance said...

Thanks for the encouragement, "Skivvy." I will now proceed to go out and CRUSH IT!

Maybe you should name the baby Colleen Constance?

Civilian Overseer said...

Connie, just because you've seen the King's Speech does not mean that you have to repeat everything twice. Honestly, some people are so impressionable.

Believe me Bridget Overseer makes Colleen Donaghy look like a blessed Saint of Compassion. Still freakishly strong. ;)

Constance said...

wait - wtf? Did the offspring make its appearance already?

Am I behind on the news. Colonel! Trouble!

Civilian Overseer said...

Connie, ah no that would be physically impossible. Didn't anyone explain that deliveries from the stork usually take around 9 months?.

I am referring of course to that lady who gifted me to the world all those years ago.

Civilian Overseer said...

Another thing even though my kid is going to half Corkonian, I'm still going to treat them as a human being.

Constance said...

Anyone else notice that Sheen looks like Corey Feldman?

Civilian Overseer said...

Connie, that dependson which Corey is dead and buried. Feldman or Haims?, 'cos his career is beginning to reek. ;)

Constance said...

It is Mr. Haim who has passed on. And Mr. Feldman's public tweet was a bit odd, yet I haven't found it in the time I was willing to look for it. I did however see that Mr. Feldman further tweeted his outrage at the Academy for not memorializing Haim's death at the most recent award ceremony.